To run away from my family and my grief

[AirCon]

Last year my life was sickeningly happy
I had a lovely fiancé, our gorgeous 4 year old son, good job and good income. And I was pregnant with a little girl.

Then I made a terrible mistake

At the end of my pregnancy, my little one stopped moving suddenly. When I say suddenly, I was busy at work one day when it occurred to me I couldn't remember the last time I felt her move. I think it was the morning before. My heart stopped. Unfortunately hers had too and there was no bringing her back.

She had been in distress for days, I was later told. For days. And I didn't even know, didn't even worry. How is this possible? I can't imagine any other mother being so stupid, so negligent.

It's a year since I gave birth to her and it has been nothing but hell. I have pushed my fiancé away (I should call him partner now actually, we won't be getting married), I've scared my little boy with my desperate and daily grief and the antidepressants are not helping. I haven't gone back to work. I do nothing but cry, sleep, cry, sleep.

I don't know what to do. I really just don't know what to do. This horrible, pitiful mess is all my fault. The year anniversary has brought it all to a head as I really thought we'd get through this and somehow I feel like the early months were the easiest, when I was protected by shock.

I'm thinking of leaving them. Disappearing far far away and just sending emails so they know I'm alive.

My partner would be better off without me. If I disappeared, he could find a lovely, caring wife who would not cry every day (and who would keep any children they had safe). My little boy could grow up in a safe, loving household where his mother doesn't cry on him daily.

I just can't see any other solution. I'm haunted by my little one's death and I don't know what to do.

AirCon, you sound like a truly lovely person. I am so very sorry for your loss. This happened to a really gorgeous friend of mine, like you she is finding it very hard from day to day and has experienced a huge range of emotions. Relationships have been strained in her family as she and her husband have coped in their different ways.

Two things she did that seem to have helped were raising some money in her Dd's memory for SANDs and more recently taking on an amazing challenge (don't want to be too identifying) which required her to travel abroad for 10 days to complete it. It was a mountain climb. She said that the great physical challenge made her feel that if she could reach that particular summit then she could overcome others. I think she also found having a few days space and peace very soothing.

That maybe not what you feel like at all, I just wanted to share in case it might. She is an amazing mum, just like you and the fact that this happened to her and to you is just so bloody unfair. It is definitely, definitely not her fault though and it's not yours either. Much love to you and your family x

Hope you are doing ok, and managing to get that help sorted.

You need to for bereavement counseling. It was not your fault, can you hear that? It was not your fault. Your daughter needs you. You will survive this. You need to call your GP and make an appointment for today and you need to have counseling to start next week.

I am so so sorry for your loss.

Wow more replies, I'm really touched
I have had another wobble but I also have a plan with my dr and a friend has also put me in touch with her psychiatrist - he is private but my family are helping pay for a few sessions

As I mentioned I didn't feel that antidelressants were working but my GP made me see that i might need to think about a higher dose or different type, which I'm sure the psychiatrist can be more specific on. The one I have is cilatropram I think, but I know there are others, some better for high level anxiety like this. Any advice before I see him would be really appreciated. What happens during a psychiatrist evaluation?? Do they probe into everything ie is it like counselling in any way or do they just ask a few questions and medicate/arrange therapy like CBT?

So sorry aircon. Life is cruel but you couldn't have done anything different, you are not to blame for this.

Antidepressants don't work for everyone, you sometimes have to try a few to get the right one. Sometimes we think they're a magic pill but have to be aware that they work best with a form of talking therapy. Pills make the symptoms better but don't help you deal with the cause. They're temporary and are great while you're on them but you need to talk to someone to make sense of what happened.

Do you talk to your partner about how you feel?

No one I know constantly monitors their baby's movements. I know I didn't. Does this make me negligent and a bad mum? I don't think so. In my last pregnancy I went to hospital as I realised I hadn't felt the baby move for over a day. I had not noticed before! Because that's what pregnancy is like. You are busy with work, other children, and life. You cannot monitor movements all day. And babies sleep in the womb, they have periods of inactivity, you can't be expected to note all this down and realise that something has changed. I am not a doctor but I don't know of any way to sense distress in an unborn baby. The fact that you are so worried about your little boy shows that you are a good mum, you have just had a terrible terrible thing happen to you. Please try to kinder to yourself, you don't deserve the hard time you are giving yourself . At all.

You're not depressed or in need of CBT. You are recovering from a major life trauma and bereavement. You are normal to feel the way you feel, there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling, it is a normal response. You need support now to make sure you are well looked after so you can stay looking after your family. Consider a psychotherapist, a psychiatrist works with mental health issues, a psychotherapist also with emotional issues. You do not sound mentally unwell but emotionally unwell. You will get better. First thing you must do is not blame yourself. You know logically there is nothing you could have done. Life can be cruel.

Aircon I am so verysorryforyourloss

I lost my middle child my first ds after he was born been two years now and it's tough

everyday I think of him
everyday

what you are feeling is normal under the circumstances
im shocked people are advising phoning ss

You need love time support and more time

it will get easier to bear you have come this far
you have survived and you can do on surviving

until with time hopefully we learn to truely live again

you are not to blame neither am I
and nor is any other mother in this thread
my heart goes out to you all

You are grieving
Its a normal reaction to feel the way you do
anniversary s are really tough

Have you tried any support groups like sands

ive made two amazing rl friends through them
and we all pull each other through.

I feel perhsps talking to others that actually get it.
it probably better than counsellors and therapists

xx

Thanks for more comments
Yes do speak to my DP but he is dealing with his own grief, silently, so it's difficult.

BBQ I'm sorry about your DS. I do go to SANDS meetings, although I find it difficult sometimes, as I am not that open about my feelings in RL and probably give the impression I'm doing 'better' than most of the people there.

aircon, thankyou.

i wonder if you would benefit from finding one or two contacts/friends.
in rl that have been through similar

perhaos the organiser of your local sands group could help put you in touch with someone
perhaps someone else that finds opening up at the meeting v difficult

i know i meet one of my friends this way.

the organiser gave me her phone number and we spoke via text and email for a while, then we started meeting up
and still v v good friends
and those two are the first people i turn to if i ve had a tricky day

for eg the other day someone i iknow was laughing n joking away how that as long as the children are alive at the end of the day shes done a good job.
she was only joking, i think she was inferring she had low standards

but as someone whos hasn't got all her children there at the end of the day her words stung.

and having other people to talk to about these type of incidents, whch happen very often esp the how many children have you got question, which you get asked all the time

really helps t have someone to turn to in rl as well as online

anyway just an idea

Thanks BBQ I think you may be right
I do have friends through SANDS that have experienced this, but their actual circumstances are slightly different and maybe I need to find someone I can really relate to, in terms of the guilty feelings and depression. I look at everyone and they seem to be handling things much more honestly and normally than I am. I know that's not necessarily the truth, but it does feel like that.

aircon, imo and ime a year really is not time,when it comes to greif such as this.
every mother I have ever come across in any situation involving the loss of a child
all feel guilty, and all shouldn't
it is the last thing any of them ever wanted

you say your finding things difficult with your dp
is this a case of the typical, man tries to be the strong one and hold it all together, when really want you want and need is for him to share his grief with you
ive seen this happen to almost every couple

and my dh does this quite a bit too
I try to remind myself his had a lifetime of social condition telling him, men don't cry etc
and its kind of how society acts and expects him to act
like people other ask the father how the mother is without ever asking the father how he is doing

yet even my dh will admit, its worse for me than it is him, I grew ds, I felt him kicking in my womb, I gave birth to him, and I had all the hormones your body produces to make you protect and love this baby you've just given birth to

plus in time that goes on, people talk to mothers about how many children they have
I get asked almost daily

yet he vvv rarely gets asked

it sounds harsh, but its like its not as bad for him
but its also kinda true

you are doing well
you have hung in so long

is having another child something you would llike?
I know most people I know, when they experienced this type of loss thatssomething they are desperate for
to have another baby.

I wonder if proper bereavement counselling is worth a shot?
would you consider this?

plus please don't think everyone else is coping better, they are probably thinking the same that your coping better than they are
just please be honest with friends and family and tell them how much your suffering
tell them how they can help

huge hugs this is really really a devastating things to have happened
it is not your fault
you did not want this to happen
your doing well
it will get easier to bear in time
hold onto hope

not time, sorry I mean no time x