To run away from my family and my grief

[AirCon]

Last year my life was sickeningly happy
I had a lovely fiancé, our gorgeous 4 year old son, good job and good income. And I was pregnant with a little girl.

Then I made a terrible mistake

At the end of my pregnancy, my little one stopped moving suddenly. When I say suddenly, I was busy at work one day when it occurred to me I couldn't remember the last time I felt her move. I think it was the morning before. My heart stopped. Unfortunately hers had too and there was no bringing her back.

She had been in distress for days, I was later told. For days. And I didn't even know, didn't even worry. How is this possible? I can't imagine any other mother being so stupid, so negligent.

It's a year since I gave birth to her and it has been nothing but hell. I have pushed my fiancé away (I should call him partner now actually, we won't be getting married), I've scared my little boy with my desperate and daily grief and the antidepressants are not helping. I haven't gone back to work. I do nothing but cry, sleep, cry, sleep.

I don't know what to do. I really just don't know what to do. This horrible, pitiful mess is all my fault. The year anniversary has brought it all to a head as I really thought we'd get through this and somehow I feel like the early months were the easiest, when I was protected by shock.

I'm thinking of leaving them. Disappearing far far away and just sending emails so they know I'm alive.

My partner would be better off without me. If I disappeared, he could find a lovely, caring wife who would not cry every day (and who would keep any children they had safe). My little boy could grow up in a safe, loving household where his mother doesn't cry on him daily.

I just can't see any other solution. I'm haunted by my little one's death and I don't know what to do.

I have felt like you when in the depths of depression. Like my family deserved for me to leave and they would be better without me.

I never told anyone until after I was better, but wish that I had.

Please tell someone how you are feeling x

Op please go and see your gp your greivang this wasn't your fault it was a terrible thing to happen to you but it really isn't your fault and antidepressants may help,I,m a mental health nurse but have also struggled with depression and anxiety your partner and son need you .

Dear AirCon . I echo what others have said. You couldnt have imagined that this would happen. You did nothing wrong. And you sound as if you are still in the deepest stages of grief (understandable) and need much more support than you are getting. When you feel this low, counselling/support organizations etc arent enough.

I dont want to make this about me, but I can say that I have been through this kind of grief and awful blaming of myself for it all. A year on (just like you) I felt like this - worse, not in any way closer to feeling better. I dreamed of running away, told my husband I was leaving him and our children as they were better off without me...all of it.

One day I woke up and felt that I could not go on living with this kind of pain another day. The sleeping/crying cycle had become unbearable. The pain was immense. I walked out of the house alne in a daze and started walking and by some little miracle, a tiny part of my brain told me to go to hospital. I rocked up at A&E and asked to speak to someone from the psychiatric team. I had no faith that anyone or anything could make things better, I just knew that I was about to trash my life in some awful, destructive way and that I couldnt go on without help.

It was the start of a slow but real process of recovery from the worst stages of grief. I spent some time in hospital (voluntarily) and then began seeing a psychologist weekly. I started to thrash things out with her and within myself in a much more profound and changing way than I had been able to do before. For the first time I can see a way forward, a life free from this pain. The pain never goes away (night is worst for me....I feel haunted by my loss) but I am starting to feel that life is worth living again.

Please, please tell someone how desperate you feel. Write it down, spell it out - that you feel you cannot go on.

You need help. You have been through the worst loss I think anyone can go through, that of a child, and there is no time limit on recovering from that grief. Dont be ashamed. Ask for the help you need. Sending you love and strength.

Your post made me cry. I could not read the thread. Your sadness will haunt me for a long time. I am so so sorry for your loss.

I think you are a brave and incredible woman. You are so brave to be able to articulate your grief.

I think most parents feel guilty when/if their children hurt. (But not everything is in our hands).

I am crying writing this. I will think of you. I wish I could say something to help you. I can only empathise over the internet.

I know you don't feel it now but you are an amazing compassionate mother. Even in your grief you feel guilty at how your grief is affecting your ds.

This raw pain will heal. Your emotions will become more bearable. Please don't feel guilty.

This wasn't your fault. You didn't choose it and you didn't make it happen. Look after yourself. Try and show yourself some kindness. Your little boy loves you. You have not failed anyone.

Your post tells me you are a brave and amazing woman

Your comments have provided so much comfort, thank you
I have so much anger, I'm angry at myself as I had the easiest pregnancy and kept thinking 'wow this is as good as life gets'

And I was really busy and there were a few moments when it crossed my mind that I should sit down and check in with her...but I just assumed all was fine and didn't. Until I suddenly became aware I hadn't been feeling her. There were warning signs there if I'd have looked for them

My partner is just so fed up with me and who can blame him?

There are always warning signs in retrospect - always. And even if you're having an easy pregnancy everything is so busy if you're working and have a small child to look after. It was not your fault. If this had happened to someone else, you would be saying exactly the same thing as every single poster on here. You're right to have your anger - what happened to you was so bloody wrong and unfair. But it wasn't your fault. You're not right to direct the anger at yourself, and that's where you need more help. It wasn't your fault. Please get help - not just for your own sake, but for your partner and your little boy, because you all deserve to find some happiness again.

Previous poster is right sweetheart-if this had happened to someone else, you'd in no way think it was their fault. It's hard but try to think what you might say to someone else in your situation...
We are here.
You will get through this.
Get help. Don't shut it out. You can't. You must get more help. Your little boy needs you.

Much, much love xx

I work in mental health crisis, what you are describing suggests significant depression. Please go urgently to gp and get referred to cmht, There are lots of options to help you,things can be better but you probably wont see that now.Try to believe what people are telling you.

You are all so kind and I have got so much from your thoughtful, loving comments.

Everyone says I'm depressed but I know so little about depression. Isn't it a chemical thing? So the antidepressants would only work if I had a chemical imbalance? That's what I was thinking and why I thought my current medication wasn't having much of an effect.

Anger is so much a part of this sort of grief (all grief, really, but the loss of a child especially so).

The previous poster is right - the anger is natural and totally justified, but you need help to turn it away from being directed at yourself. You are not to blame, AirCon. X

Depression is a complex thing. Some people get a chemical imbalance in their brain that is unrelated to life events (e.g. With some bipolar people) but often, stressful or traumatic events trigger depression. Who wouldnt be depressed after such a traumatic situation as this? My heart just goes out to you.

You can be treated with medication regardless of whether brain chemicals or life have caused your depression. An anti depressant can be used just to lift your mood out of the very depths of despair for a period of time, often in conjunction with therapy. For me, I came to a place where regular counselling wasn't powerful enough. I had sunk into a depression that needed more intensive support (for me that was hospital and psychological therapy). If your GP is helpful and you feel strong enough, it may be worth going back to see him/her and saying that you need more help. But if you're feeling at absolute rock bottom and considering running away from your life, A&E may be more appropriate. You'll get to see the psych team and access the help you need without waiting for long winded referrals.

Wishing you lots of luck x

Depression can be due to chemical imbalance (and that can certainly exacerbate it), but it's far far more likely to be a response to what's happening in your world. There's a wonderful psychiatrist called R.D. Laing who says that mental illness is 'a sane response to an insane world.' What happened to you was terrible; it was beyond what most of us can imagine. And you're left trying to cope with that, and coping with what it did to your whole family. How could you possibly be OK and not need more help from a psychiatric team? My understanding is that drugs can calm things down so that you're in a better position to talk about what happened to you, and reach a point where you can imagine and achieve happiness within your family. xxx

Oh I'm so sad for you, but you please know it wasn't you.

I'm also cross at the distress message given to you. It has made this so much worse for you. You couldn't know.

There are lots of theories about what depression is, people have different views, anti depressants stimulate the production of chemicals in the brain, different types work slightly differently, some people need a combination. What starts as a normal grief reation to a awful life event can tip into severe depression if it persists for months.

Then I made a terrible mistake

No, you definitely did not. You did nothing but love your family. I echo everyone here who is urging you to seek help dealing with your anguish. And your partner and son definitely do need you - that you feel they would be better off without you is itself a symptom of your current depression. I bet they are desperate to have you back! Sending hugs xx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.

I too have been where you are but it will be 5 years this year.

The anger and guilt you are feeling is so very normal, I know that won't solve anything but the guilt is there for everyone and it's so hard to deal with. My daughter died in NICU and I wasn't with her (it was sudden and I was in the ward), I have really struggled with that.

Sands did help me, if you need someone to talk to urgently the sands helpline is good - 020 7436 5881.

Ten babies are stillborn in the UK everyday, that's 10 women every day who tear themselves apart with guilt and regret.

Please don't leave your family, please speak to someone again, use the helplines.

None of this was foreseeable AT ALL - if people could tell the future the world would be a very different place.

One thing is absolutely certain - your ds will not be better off without you, he will be worse off. You lost your daughter - but you don't have to lose your son . He loves you and you love him.

A year is not so long; in time, you will heal and you will be able to think of your dd with less pain.

Hi Air

I can tell by the strength of grief from your post that had you the slightest Inkling that their was something wrong earlier on then you would have gone to the hospital, after all you did when you realised the lack of movement.

You are grieving lovely but you are stuck within the cycle, you really need to speak to someone who is trained to accompany you on this journey. You could try CRUISE or see if the GP could rever you for counselling.

I have lost a child she was nearly 2, the pain is the worst I've ever had to deal with, the thing she had could never have been for told and there is no cure. The pain and grief you feel now is so overwhelming that you cannot take joy in the child you have left because it probably feels a betrayal of the one you lost. I suspect that you feel so much guilt it over shadows every part of your life.

You can move forward through your grief lovely , in a way you've already taken a small step by acknowledging your pain to us on here. Don't allow the guilt you feel to turn in to a big stick to beat yourself with, your child needs you and you need them let their love for you heal you rather than make you feel you are not worthy.

The anti d's are a start but you need to talk and cry and shout then accept that it happened life is cruel and shit and unbearable sometimes, but there is a live small joy wanting their mum, please don't let him start grieving for losing you too, you've lost too much already.

All my thoughts are with you, you are not alone

My dd was stillborn at term and I think the same way as you do every day.

I'm expecting again and terrified. But my lovely midwife told me that no matter what I had done, it would have been too late.

It was not my fault. And it wasn't yours.

I think you need to try some counselling. A massive part of proper grieving is getting past the angry stage.

What I will say is - you are so, so normal. This isn't an unusual or abnormal reaction. And you will one day find a way through. Can you talk to your health visitor, GP, bereavement midwife? I found it very comforting talking to the midwife who delivered DD. She was so upset, so understanding. Could you try that?

If the anti depressants aren't working, maybe it's because you are grieving, not depressed. They aren't a magic solution. And you are so entitled to grieve. The first anniversary is a terrible time.

As for your wee boy - a mum crying is just fine. Because it's his mum, there for him. He wont remember the crying, but he would remember not having you.

What is your little girls name? My daughter is called Gabrielle. She would have turned 2 in April.

Did you have a postmortem or a postnatal talk about what happened?

Because I know that if I'd listened to my body and my baby, I might not be in this position today

I have not read all the thread but you know you can't be responsible for what happened and that you didn't listen to your body.

All the other women who lost babies in this way, would you really point a finger at them and say " You did this, its your fault" ? I doubt it, because it isn't...

I wonder if someones comment or something you have read has triggered this blame off on yourself. or perhaps something from childhood?

I had reduced movement and I had very little hospital assistance in fact I had to argue for what I did get because we were borderline cross over from one stage to the next, cant remeber what it was...

it was the weekend, took hours to get to monitor and certainly no scan.

It was all out of my hands, my baby went days without moving and at the time I read lots of other womens did too....

there was constant stress and very little I could do, if my baby had been in distress I would not have known at all.

I know you know all of this, and grief doesn't have a time line, maybe someone is putting pressure on you.....wondering why your still so upset? Allow yourself to grieve, you cant blame yourself, and concentrate on each minuet of every day to get through....

Grief affects everyone differently, you keep putting one foot infront of the other and without noticing it, one day you feel lighter and you can start to recover, not forget...but just to feel less raw.

It's not your fault what happens. DD at the end stopped kicking regularly and was perfectly healthy. I was on edge the entire last week of pregnancy because of it. You can't tell when a baby is alright or not.

Even if you did get there in time, I'm not sure they'd be able to do anything for your baby. You did nothing wrong.

So sorry for your loss.

See your GP, your depression is making decisions right now, not you. You need a crisis team to help you out and get through this.

Freud described grief as Melancholy, melancholy is an old word for depression. What you are describing is suffering from complicated grief.

Because I know that if I'd listened to my body and my baby, I might not be in this position today

I have not read all the thread but you know you can't be responsible for what happened and that you didn't listen to your body.

All the other women who lost babies in this way, would you really point a finger at them and say " You did this, its your fault" ? I doubt it, because it isn't...

I wonder if someones comment or something you have read has triggered this blame off on yourself. or perhaps something from childhood?

I had reduced movement and I had very little hospital assistance in fact I had to argue for what I did get because we were borderline cross over from one stage to the next, cant remeber what it was...

it was the weekend, took hours to get to monitor and certainly no scan.

It was all out of my hands, my baby went days without moving and at the time I read lots of other womens did too....

there was constant stress and very little I could do, if my baby had been in distress I would not have known at all.

I know you know all of this, and grief doesn't have a time line, maybe someone is putting pressure on you.....wondering why your still so upset? Allow yourself to grieve, you cant blame yourself, and concentrate on each minuet of every day to get through....

Grief affects everyone differently, you keep putting one foot infront of the other and without noticing it, one day you feel lighter and you can start to recover, not forget...but just to feel less raw.