To run away from my family and my grief

[AirCon]

Last year my life was sickeningly happy
I had a lovely fiancé, our gorgeous 4 year old son, good job and good income. And I was pregnant with a little girl.

Then I made a terrible mistake

At the end of my pregnancy, my little one stopped moving suddenly. When I say suddenly, I was busy at work one day when it occurred to me I couldn't remember the last time I felt her move. I think it was the morning before. My heart stopped. Unfortunately hers had too and there was no bringing her back.

She had been in distress for days, I was later told. For days. And I didn't even know, didn't even worry. How is this possible? I can't imagine any other mother being so stupid, so negligent.

It's a year since I gave birth to her and it has been nothing but hell. I have pushed my fiancé away (I should call him partner now actually, we won't be getting married), I've scared my little boy with my desperate and daily grief and the antidepressants are not helping. I haven't gone back to work. I do nothing but cry, sleep, cry, sleep.

I don't know what to do. I really just don't know what to do. This horrible, pitiful mess is all my fault. The year anniversary has brought it all to a head as I really thought we'd get through this and somehow I feel like the early months were the easiest, when I was protected by shock.

I'm thinking of leaving them. Disappearing far far away and just sending emails so they know I'm alive.

My partner would be better off without me. If I disappeared, he could find a lovely, caring wife who would not cry every day (and who would keep any children they had safe). My little boy could grow up in a safe, loving household where his mother doesn't cry on him daily.

I just can't see any other solution. I'm haunted by my little one's death and I don't know what to do.

Thinking of you, aircon. Hope you're getting the help and understanding you need and deserve xxx

I'm thinking if you too Aircon. Xxx

Thinking of you x

No one could ever think that this was your fault. Your beautiful daughter would only have known her mother's love.

Xxxxxx

this post has moved me to tears. so many brave, incredible women on here. OP, i hope you are there, reading this. how are you today?

Hoping you have managed to get some help x

I'm still here and still taking comfort in your responses
I'm sorry my son needs taking out right now, but I'll plonk him in front of the TV later and reply

Glad to see you back op. x

I don't think your partner is fed up with you. Grief is such an individual thing, even as a couple, as parents, your grief and the way you deal with it is likely to be different.

You're both doing the best you can right now to get through each day, for your son and also your daughter, living for them both

Just to add another voice to the choir - This wasn't your fault. Often there is no warning and obsessive movement counters suffer still births too.

Imagine if you had had a car accident that had left you physically disabled in a way that made you feel that you were a great burden on your family. Would you still feel all this guilt? Would you still feel you should be over it by now?

We never equate the same level of blamelessness on those suffering mental disability as those suffering physical disability. And that is utterly wrong. You have suffered a trauma that has left you with a mental disability. You need help, support and to know that this is utterly utterly NOT your fault and not something you should be expected to get past or move on from.

Hi aircon im really sorry for your loss, we lost ds4 at 20 weeks due to incompetant cervix. There were small signs that something was going on but I was busy, ds3 was 6 months old at the time and I missed it. By the time I went to the hospital it was too late and thry couldnt stop my cervix opening.

I blamed myself alot, I sometimes still do. Its not your fault though, and it wasnt mine either, all of us who have been in this position feel guilt in one form or another, all of us wish we had done something different but the chances are if we had it wouldnt have changed things. We all love our babies, would have done anything for things to have been different, its just an awful tragic thing that has happened and is no ones fault.

We are coming up to 3 years now, it does get easier in time, even though it feels like it never will. Xx

Oh my goodness, I just typed out the longest message ever, with some comments directed at individual posters (it was so very, very long, took my breath away how many of us on here have suffered such horrible losses, and in a strange way it did make me feel less alone) AND THEN I CLOSED THE BLOODY, FUCKARSING WINDOW. Breathe. Breathe. Aggghh.

I will retype it all this evening when the kid is sleeping. In the meantime, I'll just say I am trying to access help beyond what I have received so far. The trouble with medication, doctors, counsellors etc is that it seems to be very much a case of trial and error, and I am lacking a lot in the energy and motivation to keep pushing for the support I need. I have been very lucky in that my family (amazing, amazing in-laws) have helped me to get help, too, but sometimes it feels as if nothing will work. I haven’t given up though and I am trying to fight the feelings that I am of no use to anyone. Had a lovely, sunny day with the boy today, who is currently EATING ALL HIS BROCOLLI (sp???), so that's a cause for smiling.

Oh hell, I'll do it now, since DS has moved onto dessert and will be quiet for 5 mins

Magso - so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing that your DH dealt with grief silently, DP is the same and I'm so glad you're in a better place with things now

Ipswich - so terribly sorry for the loss of your little boy, thank you for the solidarity

Deluge - your story was really helpful, I so appreciated you sharing it with me and it has inspired me to really try and get some proper help

Blackhandbag - thank you also for sharing your loss with me, I'm so sorry your dd died so suddenly in NICU

Guiltypleasures - I'm sorry your lost your darling toddler, you must have loved her so very much (and of course still do). I'm so grateful for your kind words

Slithy - I'm sorry about previous Gabrielle, thank you for reaching out to me in this crisis with such thoughtful advice. We didn't find out why our little one died, so I became yet another bereaved mum ticking the unknown causes box, sadly.

Opies - I'm sorry you lost your little one ten years ago, I have been thinking a lot about what you said 'learning to live with the questions' and there is so much truth in it

Back shortly...

Ellypoo - I'm so sorry about your daughter, I really am. It must have been lovely to have held her while she was alive, and yet so utterly heartwrenching to say goodbye. Thank you.

Minmooch - you are such an inspiration. Your girls and boys - all of them - must be so very, very proud of you. You have really helped me to feel that I can forge a way through this

Whatevertheweather - thinking of your DD as she approaches her third 'birthday', and thank you

Minginintherain - your advice was so thoughtful and comforting. It really helps to hear you say other mothers would have done the same but were just lucky - I need to hear it, even if I convince myself otherwise daily. Thank you also for sharing about your SANDS group. I'm sorry you've been through this too.

Beemer - I'm so sad you've been through this too, thank you for writing and I hope you have lots of gentle days in your future

Havana - thank you and I'm sorry you lost your little boy. Thank you for giving me hope of lighter days ahead

I'm sorry if I left out any of you lovely people who shared your losses, I tried to go through the thread and respond to all. And everyone else - your advice, tough talking (definitely need that some times), poem - the yeats one, I love it, and insistence I should not blame myself. Ok, this is beginning to sound like an Oscar's speech, but truly, thank you

Not much to add except that I'm pg with dc2 and honestly I find it really hard to tell what reduced movement would feel like, neither has moved that much. I can't believe that any action on your part would have changed the outcome. I do think it takes a long time to find the right care team, there are a lot of ones that don't help for whatever reason and you must keep going til you find the right one.

I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. How is your Fiance coping with the bereavement? can you find comfort in each other or is it pushing you apart?

I'm glad you had a good day today. Keep fighting. You're doing so well and you don't even know it. Hell, you must be doing something right, I can't get any of mine (DH included) to eat broccoli :)

Joking aside, I hope you find strength from all our posts and that it's some comfort knowing you're not alone. It's shit that any of us have to go through this but that feeling of being all alone in it makes it so much harder.

We did find out what happened to our son, but to be honest it didn't really help. We still had the "why did it have to be him? " question. We just tried to take comfort from each other and our DS, even planned our wedding as we decided we just wanted to be married. Life has gotten better, we now have another wonderful DS. We'll never forget our LO but it doesn't feel like it's just happened anymore.

I've met some lovely people on here in the bereavement topic, waves at whatever ( who won't know who I am as I've nc)

It might be an idea to start a thread or have this one moved to there, as many of the posters don't hang around am I being unreasonable.

Ipswichwitch is right, even if you knew why, it wouldn't necessarily help. I have one dc with a genetic condition and another with a very rare auto-immune condition. I've worked out I'm a mum in 18 billion! But it doesn't make my fairly infrequent now thank god heartache any more or less to know the statistics.
You sound so much lighter today, I'm pleased for you. Keep going. And if you have a rough day here and there, remember you're allowed to.
I'm glad you feel less alone now.

Good to hear from you, Air Con. I'm glad you're carrying on carrying on

Please know we're always here to natter to.

I can't add more than anyone else has but so sorry for what you have been through and glad you can draw some comfort from others on here who have been through such unthinkable hearbreak. I have no idea why the Healthcare professional told you your lo was in distress for days. There was no way at all they could have known that. This sadly is a common occurance and noone knows why or how. Had you picked it up right away, it would not have made any difference and I am angry that you were told any different. Not that it makes any difference to your pain but believe me it was not your fault. It was a tragic thing that neither you or anyone else could have prevented. I really hope you get the help you need and can start rebuilding your life. its still there for you and you will never forget your daughter, shes a part of it too xxxxxx

I think the fact u posted shows how much u care and love your dp and son!

I can't even begin to imagine what you feel, you drew
Me to years! Your little girl would have been loved immensely just like you love her daddy and her brother! Nothing will take away the fact
You are her mummy! She will be the brightest star in the sky tonight!

Be kind to yourself op! Your gonna get there x

So sorry for your loss. It wasn't your fault op, at all. I hope you get the right help and support and the grief eases for you x

Thinking of you aircon xx

Be angry Aircon, be angry at the whole world because you have every right to be angry and sad and heartbroken; it's truly tragic and so utterly unfair but you mustn't be angry at yourself.

It wasn't your fault. You are not to blame.

I can't even begin to imagine how you feel but the fact that you're still functioning.. You're stronger than you realise.

Muster up all your strength, not to get through this or to 'get over it' but just to get the help and support you so clearly need.

I don't know what to say, I'm so genuinely sorry.