To run away from my family and my grief

[AirCon]

Last year my life was sickeningly happy
I had a lovely fiancé, our gorgeous 4 year old son, good job and good income. And I was pregnant with a little girl.

Then I made a terrible mistake

At the end of my pregnancy, my little one stopped moving suddenly. When I say suddenly, I was busy at work one day when it occurred to me I couldn't remember the last time I felt her move. I think it was the morning before. My heart stopped. Unfortunately hers had too and there was no bringing her back.

She had been in distress for days, I was later told. For days. And I didn't even know, didn't even worry. How is this possible? I can't imagine any other mother being so stupid, so negligent.

It's a year since I gave birth to her and it has been nothing but hell. I have pushed my fiancé away (I should call him partner now actually, we won't be getting married), I've scared my little boy with my desperate and daily grief and the antidepressants are not helping. I haven't gone back to work. I do nothing but cry, sleep, cry, sleep.

I don't know what to do. I really just don't know what to do. This horrible, pitiful mess is all my fault. The year anniversary has brought it all to a head as I really thought we'd get through this and somehow I feel like the early months were the easiest, when I was protected by shock.

I'm thinking of leaving them. Disappearing far far away and just sending emails so they know I'm alive.

My partner would be better off without me. If I disappeared, he could find a lovely, caring wife who would not cry every day (and who would keep any children they had safe). My little boy could grow up in a safe, loving household where his mother doesn't cry on him daily.

I just can't see any other solution. I'm haunted by my little one's death and I don't know what to do.

OP .. I am so sorry you've had to experience all this. Please try to be kind to yourself and find it in your heart to forgive yourself.. you did the best you could.

Your Dd will have felt your love in the womb... she will have felt safe and secure. She will have felt your happiness.

Sometimes nature , sadly, has other plans that we can't begin to understand. Here's a terribly beautiful poem by WB yeats called the stolen child

Oh OP.

You blame yourself for your baby's death. You're a slave to If and Only.

It's not fair or right that your little girl died, and I am so sorry that she did. It sounds like you've gone over and over every possible explanation as to why she died, and can't come up with a direct reason, so therefore it must have been something you did or didn't do. Because the logical part of you just cannot rationalise that there was no reason for this to happen, so it's easier just to blame yourself.

I won't tell you not to do this... because it's something that you need to do. It's part of the grieving process, and hard as it is - and it really is bloody hard - you need to work through this yourself.

My little boy died almost ten years ago. I was plagued with the Why him questions. I thought that because I'd let him die, I wasn't a fit mother to my other child. I thought they would be better off without me. I sank to rock bottom and thought about suicide, but then a chance comment from another mother that had lost her son saved me. She said that it's not about finding the answer to the Why? question, it's about learning to live with the question itself. In the end, knowing why she died won't alter how you feel about it because she will still be dead.

I know you feel at rock bottom now my lovely, but please know that you can carry on, that you can do this, that you can live with this. You can do this, because there is no other reasonable choice, you have to.

I'm sending you so much love sweets, please be gentle with yourself. Your pain is so raw, so agonising. One foot in front of the other, sweetheart, and don't forget to breathe.

You need profession help and you need it now.

Will your GP's surgery still be open? If so then call.

What's your local hospital? Can one of us check to see if they have a MH crisis team or liaison team where you might be able to get emergency advice?

I'm sure your partner is very worried about you (as opposed to just 'fed up'), have you told him straight out that the meds and counseling are not working and you're not coping? He can't support you or help you help yourself is he doesn't know what he's facing.

It was not your fault. You have let no one down, except perhaps yourself, by feeling you are in some way to blame. It was not your fault.

Look, I don't mean to sound bossy, or unappreciative of everybody's kind and thoughtful posts, especially those sharing their own stories.

But at this moment in time you don't need our sympathy, you need immediate intervention.

I'm sorry to be blunt. But these are extreme feelings that you cannot cope with. And the solutions your mind is coming up with are way off base.

Please call the duty social worker for your borough at the very least. They can help you assess what kind of help you need RIGHT NOW. Be it with the crisis team at a&e or the OOH GP or whatever.

Denying yourself help is part of the self-punishment. WE can see how this is a very bad place. YOU are so stuck in it you can't really see it, and probably think you don't deserve help anyway.

Please just do something now. Even if you feel you don't deserve intervention or help, you are vital for your little boy's emotional survival. You need to do this for him.

It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known. Blaming yourself will not help.

I know from someone else that when they didn't feel grief every day they felt guilty. Guilty because they had smiled and how could they smile when something so terrible had happened.

But you can. You have a son who needs love and laughter and a fiance who is probably grieving as well. Please ask them for help. Ask your doctor to refer you as well.

You don't love her any the less because you start to live your life again. You are not betraying her by thinking about other things than her. She wouldn't want you to feel as bad as you do. .

All the best I hope you can come back and update this thread.

I think in medical terms "distressed" means elevated heartrate etc.
I don't think it means "distressed" the way we would understand it - ie "upset, unhappy".

yes, Madame is right
call OOH gp or social services

go on. off you go.

phone them now

Oh sweetie there is no way any of this is your Fault!! You had an awful experience and none of it is anything that you could have changed.

You need to show your post to your GP and your husband and seek some professional help.

It sounds to me like you are still grieving and suffering from post natal depression. You are blaming yourself for something that was totally out of your control.

Your dh and ds would not be better off without you. Your little boy needs his mummy and your dh will be grieving too. He will be doing it differently but you need each other to get through this.

Please get some help and advice

I really don't think the OP is depressed, and phoning social services will do not one jot of good.

The OP is devastated, grieving, heart weary. She is in the depths of the worst pain imaginable. What help will SS be for that? She is grieving the death of her daughter, she doesn't need SS telling her to pull herself together or that she's failing her son by being upset.

I really think that she needs to talk to people that actually understand how her world has been torn apart. She's getting fantastic support from here, which is great, but I think she needs to know that what she is feeling right now, this moment, is totally normal and understandable. And I'm afraid, unless you have had a child that has died, you cannot begin to imagine how that feels. ( I don't mean that in a condescending way)

Please OP, consider contacting one of these charities

The Child Death Helpline
Tel: 0800 282 986

The Compassionate Friends
Tel: 08451 232304

Sands National Helpline - 020 7436 5881

I agree with Sebsmummy that the use of the word distress was inappropriate. I don't think that it means the same to someone medical as it does to us lay people. This isn't your fault and you need some help and support. I hope you get it.

Opie, I fear you misunderstand the function of the Duty Social worker after office hours. They are the Senior person in the borough for crises, including mental health crises. For example, it will usually be the Duty Social worker who will be called in to section someone.

And I hardly think your estimation that social services would tell her to pull herself together is either accurate or helpful.

None of us can diagnose the OP. However she already has a diagnosis. But is not getting the help she needs right now.

Obsessive thoughts of running away are extreme - her sadness is extreme it is limiting her ability to function emotionally and cognitively.

I think posting on MN is obviously a cry for help. But we can't give her the real life help she needs immediately.

SHe needs taking care of in a much more immediate, profound way than we or her DP can provide her right now.

Kirsten, I just saw your post, your explained distressed really well.

I think these organisations mentioned and their helplines have their place long term.

I think that some people are suggesting the mental health crisis team because in her OP, Air sounded in crisis. She wasnt 'just' (sorry to use that word) feeling the overwhelming pain and grief she has been feeling all along. She described wanting to run away and leave her family and life. She described not wanting to be here any more, in one way or another. That constitutes a crisis.

My grief caused a crisis in me a year down the line. A crisis that needed treatment, not just listening or kind words. I needed a hospital stay and a psychologist with grief experience to help me. No amount of support organizations or talking about it or crying it out was enough. I wasnt functioning at all. I couldnt be a mother to my children, I couldnt get out of bed most days and it was getting worse. My grief was understandable, but I had got stuck in it to such an extent that it was jeopardising my life. The OP sounds like she may be in a similar place, in which case, she needs to speak out and get the help she deserves.

Yes, she's in a crisis - but it's grief as opposed to mental heath issues, imo.

I don't think her feelings are extreme. Her baby has died. Only a year ago. She is hurting and devastated and desolate. I'd be concerned if she wasn't.

Yes, she needs help, I totally agree... but I can't see how SS can help with this one. She needs specialist child bereavement counselling.

Opie. I refer you to my previous post and the role that the Out of Hours Duty Social Worker (it is a job title, not a description) has.

Extreme grief is a mental health issue. How can it not be anything other?

But let's not argue the toss, eh? I think it is always better safe than sorry, and in my experience of MH issues and child bereavement I think the OP would benefit from an emergency assessment.

But in order not to confuse you or other posters or the OP, I would suggest again the Crisis team at A&E, or whatever set up operates in the borough, city, county. Calling A&E and ask to speak to the duty pyschiatrist and take it from there.

Get help OP, don't be afraid.

Nothing anyone here will say will change the way you feel; you've made up your mind. You need professionals to help you see things differently.

You have been so brave posting this. Take it one step further and get the help you need. I'll be thinking of you.

OP you need help. It is not your fault. Please see your GP and contact SANDS ASAP.

Genuinely so sorry aircon for your loss and for what you are going through.

I don't think that anyone here can say whether you are depressed or not, to me it sounds almost as though you can not grieve fully because you are stuck on blaming yourself for what has happened. It wasn't your fault, it truly wasn't, and I think that whoever told you that your baby was in distress has unwittingly been very unhelpful to you.

Are you speaking to other parents who have suffered loss? Counselling? Other talking therapy? You have to find a way to come to terms with the fact that losing your baby was tragic and unfair but absolutely not your fault.

I don't think that you should leave your little boy, he loves you and needs you.

Please be kind to yourself, take things one day at a time, one week at a time.

I'm not sure how you're managing to function day to day, you say you're waking up, crying then sleeping.

Can you try to do one small thing tomorrow that gives you the tiniest bit if comfort? Just a short walk with your little boy holding hands, or watch him feed the ducks?

It has only been a fairly short time since you lost your beautiful girl and the time of year will be triggering.

OP, I am so, so sorry that this has happened to you and I hope that you will see that this was not your fault. Other posters have given much better advice that I have but do you think it's possible for you to try and talk this through with your partner? I am sure he is not frustrated with you; he is probably feeling the loss of the life you all saw together and struggling to see a future that is different. Try and think about what you want for you and your ds and if there are tiny steps you can take right now to move towards that. Will be thinking of you. x

Sweetheart, this was not your fault. I'm so sorry that you've been through all this. Please follow all the good advice on here and get help x

Oh, this is heartbreaking.

Kristen is right. Distressed doesn't mean the same in a medical context - it means that she had a higher heartrate, or that she wasn't breathing well. It was a poor choice of words, and you shouldn't allow your mind to cling on to it. There was no way for you to know. Honestly. You didn't ignore anything, you didn't decide not to get treatment. There is absolutely no way that you are to blame.

There's a lot of good advice here, but I think the key here will be to accept that this wasn't your fault. You may have to start slowly - maybe allowing yourself to entertain the idea that maybe it wasn't your fault, to start with? When you fight the guilt, you'll be able to grieve, and it'll help. It won't go away, she'll never leave you, you'll never forget. It'll get better, though, for all of you. Together.

Oh Aircon I am so so sorry about the loss of your baby girl.

The feelings you are having are totally normal and natural - I too have lost my daughter. I went to the hospital when I realised I hadn't felt my baby move for a while - she was barely alive when we were seen and they delivered her by emcs but the damage was already done - she had been starved of oxygen, and had probably been in distress for a while, and although they tried really hard, she died 2 days later. That was NYE 2 years ago. I feel very guilty too - why hadn't I noticed that I hadn't felt her move before?
I do totally understand, as do far too many other ladies. It's really good that you have an understanding GP, go to Sands meetings and have some RL support. Are you able to talk to your fiancé about how you are feeling? It can be so hard to open up, especially when you are being so tough on yourself, but your partner & son need you, and will hopefully be able to help support you.

My heart absolutely goes out to you, this heart wrenching grief can feel like such a lonely place, but you are not on your own, and you are totally not to blame for the tragic loss of your beautiful daughter xxx

And I was really busy and there were a few moments when it crossed my mind that I should sit down and check in with her...but I just assumed all was fine and didn't. Until I suddenly became aware I hadn't been feeling her. There were warning signs there if I'd have looked for them

I disagree, you sound like every single pregnant lady including myself I have ever known and HOW MANY women are actually moving house when heavily pregnant? So many, I was schlepping heavy furniture with my fist.