AIBU not to invite DD's paternal grandparents to 1st birthday party?

[chesterberry]

As a bit of back-story DD's father left me when I was pregnant and has nothing to do with her. He has recently begun to acknowledge that she is his daughter after previously saying she couldn't possible be his but hasn't requested contact with her. His parents do see DD and have done since she was born although they live several hours away from us. Contact was one day a month and they had a few unsupervised contacts however they broke my trust and I'm concerned they might arrange for DD's father to meet them when they have her. The current agreement is they will see us one weekend every 5/6 weeks but with me in the nearby vicinity the whole time.

My DD turns one this weekend and my parents are hosting a very small gathering for her at their house - my parents and siblings will be there along with a small number of my friends and their DC. It is going to be a very low-key affair and, aside from the fact there will be birthday cake and presents, I don't anticipate the day being very 'party' like.

I have not invited DD's paternal grandparents and they are due to see us the weekend after her birthday. I previously told them that I was not having a party for DD (which was the truth at the time) however my parents have since arranged this gathering. Unfortunately a friend of mine commented on something I posted on facebook with something along the lines of 'looking forward to seeing you on Saturday for [DD name]'s party - can't believe it's been a whole year.' DD's grandmother saw this and has sent me a message saying how upset she is that I lied about having a party and have not invited her.

I replied and explained that it isn't a party but a very small gathering and was arranged after I last spoke to them. I assured them that we could have a special day out the following week to celebrate her birthday wit them. I have had another reply saying I am being very unfair denying them the joy of seeing their granddaughter on her actual birthday and that I'm putting my parent's relationship with my DD above their own relationship with her.

I really do not want to invite them. My parents and friends all hate my ex and, by extension, are not massive fans of his parents. Before leaving me he tried to pressure me into an abortion and said he hoped I'd miscarry and on one occasion he threatened me. I have told his parents this although they haven't really acknowledged it. Their presence would turn what, hopefully, will be a lovely, relaxed celebration into something no doubt stressful and tense.They live hundreds of miles from my parents and would need to travel down so just popping around for a bit before/after the gathering isn't really a possibility.

I really feel that I shouldn't invite them but I don't know if I am being selfish and letting my poor relationship with them (and their son) cloud my judgement. My family very much feel I shouldn't invite them but my mum has said she will support me in whatever I choose to do and welcome them if necessary (they have met a few times previously when ex and I were together) but I still really, really don't want them there. AIBU?

No I don't think you are being unreasonable, particularly as you feel you cannot trust them. It sounds like you are going out of your way to facilitate a telati

Argh phone sorry!
A relationship with them despite their son having nothing to do with his child. I don't think you should feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to do. Stick to your guns and see them the week after as arranged. Enjoy your daughters first birthday!

Don't invite them. Stay with your original plan and sort out your facebook security settings so they can't see everything you post.

Are these the grandparents who redressed your daughter on their day out with her?

It's unfortunate that your friend wrote that on Facebook but I think your plan sounds fine. By seeing her the following weekend they get more one on one time with her than they would at her "party".

I remember your previous threads. You ILs seem only to care about themselves. Stick with your original plans and have a little "party" with them the following week. Happy birthday to your DD.

Sorry, but i think you are BU.

You are holding them responsible for their son's actions, how would you like it if someone did that to you?

Yes, they betrayed your triust once, but you have them on a short leash now so that shouldn't happen. However, there will come a time when you need to trust them again.

She IS their grandchild. How would you feel if your grandchild were denied to you?

OK, so the gathering was arranged after you discussed it with her and you think everyone will be uncomfirtable with them there, but can you not allow them an hour or so on the morning of her birthday!

Can you not show some compassion? Can you not stretch out a hand and draw them closer?

Yanbu, what's stopping them from having a little gathering of their own for her. I'm sure the atmosphere will be tense and not enjoyable anyway with them there given the history.
Don't feel guilty, I wouldn't invite them either.

I have had another reply saying I am being very unfair denying them the joy of seeing their granddaughter on her actual birthday and that I'm putting my parent's relationship with my DD above their own relationship with her

Hello GP I am sorry you saw this message but it really is a low key affair for dd hosted by my parents.

I really hope you can understand and also due to the unfortunate behaviour of your son around X coming into the world and his subsequent behaviour and your attitude to it, you will have to understand your places as this childs gp are not going to be the run of the mill type, because this is not a run of hte mill situation.

Please dont be rude to me again or write me rude messages or pressure me, or I will have to review contact.

It's difficult to say without knowing what they did to cause your mistrust. But overall I would say yabu. Any grandparent would be devastated at not being present at a 1st birthday party.

• Baaaaaaaaaaaa Mon 04-Aug-14 14:50:52

Rather telling poor op what she could be doing, why not focus on the baddies here which are the son and his parents
I include them because they have not aknowlegded, or apologised for or given any sign they are helping behind the scenes with their sons hideous behaviour.

They have broken her trust and now making emotional demands on her when they know damn well, due to their son, she has had an awful awful time, bringing this little baby into this world.

They have no rights, they have no rights to make emotional demands on her or emotionally blackmail her and certainly not compare themselves to her parents.

Any grandparent would be devastated at not being present at a 1st birthday party

Their son wanted this baby aborted.

They should be bloody glad op didnt do that and they have a granddaughter and that they see at all after the disgusting and shameful, shameful mess their son wrecked on this girl, which they the poor grandparents have done nothing^ about!!!

My goodness, if this was my son!!! Apologies, support, shame, humility, long talks and so on, would be my plan of action should I want to see the grandchild, NOT making demands, and emotional blackmail!

Jesus Christ Buds! Their son! Not them! You are being very very cruel. We don't know enough to suggest that his parents are in favour of his horrible behaviour. Let's assume for a moment that they live their grandchild- as the evidence seems to suggest.
OP I understand how you feel but can you elaborate on what his parents have done to make you mistrust them?

*love

Thank you for your replies. Changing my privacy settings so that they can see less on facebook is certainly a good idea! I am careful regarding what I post but obviously can't control what my friends post.

Are these the grandparents who redressed your daughter on their day out with her?
Yes, the same grand-parents. They dressed her in a 'Daddy's Little Princess' style T-shirt and took photos of her wearing it which they then tagged my ex in. They tried to hide this from me.

You are holding them responsible for their son's actions ... How would you feel if your grandchild were denied to you
I am really not holding them responsible for their son's actions and that is why I have done my best to facilitate contact with them. Some of my friends and family do find it difficult to separate the actions of my ex from his parents and I think they are less willing to forgive them for some of the instances where they have been difficult surrounding contact in the past. Although truthfully it would be much easier for me to stop contact altogether I am trying to maintain it for the sake of my DD. I am certainly not trying to deny them their granddaughter (although admittedly I do look at contact in terms of not denying my DD a relationship with them rather than looking at it from their POV) but the relationship is difficult and complicated. They can be, unfortunately, difficult, self-centred and somewhat controlling people although they are very nice when it suits them. I do feel it is necessary for me to be very firm regarding my expectations of contact as they are the sort of people who, given an inch, will take a mile. However I really am not trying to deny them contact (they are seeing her next week!), I suppose I just hadn't really anticipated having to involve them in every event regarding DD. Maybe that was naive of me.

can you not allow them an hour or so on the morning of her birthday!
I would be happy for them to see her briefly on the morning of her birthday, however they live hundreds of miles away. It would take them at least six hours to get to my parent's house so I am not sure that would be possible. Although I suppose I could offer that as a compromise and then it is up to them whether it is worth travelling all the way down just for an hour or so or whether they'd rather wait until the following weekend. I am not sure whether DD's grandparents really do feel that seeing DD on her birthday is so important (especially as DD is so little and won't even know it is her birthday) or whether they are just trying to cause a fuss but at least if I invite them to meet us for an hour or so in the morning I don't have to feel guilty.

I really don't want to invite them.

OP, regardless of whether YABU or not, it's your choice. It might disappoint the GP, but they're not your responsibility. You want a happy, hassle-free day with your DD, so do whatever is most likely to make that the case.

I wouldn't invite them. You don't need to give them a reason.

Sorry to ask, but are you the poster who's baby was dressed into a "daddy's little angel" (or something similar) t-shirt and the grandparents tagged the baby's dad in the picture? If you are I remember that thread and I was angry on your (if it was you) behalf!

Ok. Then dressing her in the daddy's princess thing is horrible- I completely understand that must feel like a proper kick in the teeth and a complete lack of respect for you. They were probably trying to reinforce their relationship with her but it is stupid and nasty and disrespectful nonetheless.
I would be honest- that you are very keen for them to have a relationship with their granddaughter but you find it difficult because of their son's treatment of you. That their behaviour in dressing your dd like that really felt like they were taking his side as their son rather than your side as their granddaughter's mother. That you need them to accept how badly he treated you and his disdain for dd before you can feel comfortable with making them a full part of both of their lives.

I'm sorry you had to go through that with him. I hope you manage to build a relationship with them and that they manage to accept what he is- which is nothing to do with any of you.

At what point are you planning to let your DD see her dad OP?

I remember the dressing in outfit post too. I also think you are making the right decisions and the gps should be bloody grateful. Hope this will not overshadow your lovely day with dd

Let? I thought the ops ex wasn't interested?

dione, op said the dad hasn't requested any contact so thankfully she won't have to deal with that question.

At what point are you planning to let your DD see her dad OP?

Probably when he gets off his arse and decides he wants to see her. Did you read the OP at all? He hasn't bothered with her for the past year, and has only recently started showing an interest, which hasn't extended to actually seeing her yet. Which is big of him.

OP I YANBU at all. If it was me in your situation it would be a cold day in hell before I let them anywhere near her!

Dione the OP has already said that her ex has not shown any interest in seeing his child. And even if he did start wanting to, considering the disgusting way he has treated the OP he'd be bloody lucky if she did let him see her.

Since it is OP's parents who have organised the party, surely it is up to them to decide who is invited, and their feelings are clear on the matter. A one year old child doesn't understand or care what a birthday is, and would no doubt be very happy to see her other grandparents on a different day - a situation which arises all the time in many many families, and not always because of break-ups, but just because logistics dictate. Birthdays can be moveable feasts, and no-one need get so uptight about it. I understand that OP feels she needs to maintain a relationship with GPs for DD's sake, but they have already jeopardised this with the previous incident, and don't have any right to dictate or manipulate further. They should be grateful for the consideration they have already received. OP - I would suggest you block them on FB and see them at your convenience, if at all. Enjoy DD's 1st birthday with your family, and don't waste any more emotional energy on the other GPs.

At what point are you planning to let your DD see her dad OP?

I am not denying my DD her father and I would always let my DD see her dad if it was what she wanted and what I thought to be in her best interests.

My ex is currently the one not letting my DD have a relationship with him. He maintained throughout the pregnancy and after her birth that I had cheated on him (I hadn't and had never given him any reason to think otherwise) and that she couldn't possibly be his. He does not pay any child maintenance and is not on the birth certificate. From what I have heard from mutual friends he is now acknowledging that she is his, however he has still not expressed any interest in meeting our DD to me.

If he were to approach me and state that he wanted to build a relationship with DD then, assuming I felt his intentions were honest and that DD would be safe, I wouldn't deny this. But that has not happened (and honestly, I hope it doesn't. But I wouldn't stand in his way unless I felt he was a risk to DD).