AIBU not to invite DD's paternal grandparents to 1st birthday party?

[chesterberry]

As a bit of back-story DD's father left me when I was pregnant and has nothing to do with her. He has recently begun to acknowledge that she is his daughter after previously saying she couldn't possible be his but hasn't requested contact with her. His parents do see DD and have done since she was born although they live several hours away from us. Contact was one day a month and they had a few unsupervised contacts however they broke my trust and I'm concerned they might arrange for DD's father to meet them when they have her. The current agreement is they will see us one weekend every 5/6 weeks but with me in the nearby vicinity the whole time.

My DD turns one this weekend and my parents are hosting a very small gathering for her at their house - my parents and siblings will be there along with a small number of my friends and their DC. It is going to be a very low-key affair and, aside from the fact there will be birthday cake and presents, I don't anticipate the day being very 'party' like.

I have not invited DD's paternal grandparents and they are due to see us the weekend after her birthday. I previously told them that I was not having a party for DD (which was the truth at the time) however my parents have since arranged this gathering. Unfortunately a friend of mine commented on something I posted on facebook with something along the lines of 'looking forward to seeing you on Saturday for [DD name]'s party - can't believe it's been a whole year.' DD's grandmother saw this and has sent me a message saying how upset she is that I lied about having a party and have not invited her.

I replied and explained that it isn't a party but a very small gathering and was arranged after I last spoke to them. I assured them that we could have a special day out the following week to celebrate her birthday wit them. I have had another reply saying I am being very unfair denying them the joy of seeing their granddaughter on her actual birthday and that I'm putting my parent's relationship with my DD above their own relationship with her.

I really do not want to invite them. My parents and friends all hate my ex and, by extension, are not massive fans of his parents. Before leaving me he tried to pressure me into an abortion and said he hoped I'd miscarry and on one occasion he threatened me. I have told his parents this although they haven't really acknowledged it. Their presence would turn what, hopefully, will be a lovely, relaxed celebration into something no doubt stressful and tense.They live hundreds of miles from my parents and would need to travel down so just popping around for a bit before/after the gathering isn't really a possibility.

I really feel that I shouldn't invite them but I don't know if I am being selfish and letting my poor relationship with them (and their son) cloud my judgement. My family very much feel I shouldn't invite them but my mum has said she will support me in whatever I choose to do and welcome them if necessary (they have met a few times previously when ex and I were together) but I still really, really don't want them there. AIBU?

YANBU in not wanting them there, but for me you have a fairly straightforward Get Out Of Jail Free card, which is - "my parents are hosting a very small gathering for her at their house" . Quite simply, this is not your party and it is not your place to issue invites, that is your parents' place.

His mother messaging "how upset she is that I lied about having a party and have not invited her" - well, she is mistaken on both points. You did not lie, you are not having a party. You are in no position to invite her even if you wanted to (which you don't). You do not control what your parents do, you have simply accepted their invitation.

"I have had another reply saying I am being very unfair denying them the joy of seeing their granddaughter on her actual birthday and that I'm putting my parent's relationship with my DD above their own relationship with her"
Hmm. Regardless of your parents' party, she was well aware of the date of your DD's birthday, was she not? So she knew she wasn't going to be seeing her on her 'actual' birthday before your parents decided to have this small gathering.

OP, you're a better woman than me, because I doubt I would entertain the thought of these people being near me and mine at all.

Can you not stretch out a hand and draw them closer?

Having read your other thread, the only thing I would consider stretching out to them would be a big stick to push them further away.

Everything is all about them and what they want, your DD's interests appear to be an irrelevance.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 04-Aug-14 16:47:16

very clear and good angle to come at them from and she is right. Its not your party. These people have some gaul dont they, if this was my son I would be embarrased to face the other GP's and would never ever come at it from bullying angle either!!

OP

Do you know what maybe they should be invited and the frosty reception they would receive all round may help to drum it home just what an awful situation this is for you.

Having read your other thread, the only thing I would consider stretching out to them would be a big stick to push them further away

No YANBU. You aren't responsible for your daughter's relationship with your IL's. Their relationship is through their son and if he isn't interested in being a parent you don't have a responsibility towards them legally or otherwise.

It is nice that you have enabled them to see her but even if the party was hosted by you you still wouldn't have an obligation to invite them.

Change your facebook settings and let them see your daughter when it suits you.

A relationship with GP's at this age really only benefits the GP's. DD won't be missing out on them not being there for her birthday.

Also, I wouldn't invite them either given their history.

YANBU

I'm concerned when people think that grandparents have a right to see there dgc at all costs. They don't.

BTW op, when my DD was born I also thought I had too facilitate GP requests and involvment and of course society heavily dicates we do...in many forms.

Its taken me 6 years to realise no, this is not the case and people who are nasty and behave badly do not, actually get a right to be involved in their GC life.

OP, if your ex has a change of heart and wants to become involved in his daughter's life then it is for her benefit. This may or may not happen.

But if it did you would probably want to arrange some kind of contact schedule which would include possibly alternating with which parent your daughter spends birthdays and xmas with. Certainly we do this with my DSS. No one can dictate to the other what your DD must do on your watch. These types of arrangements work well when there is little communication between mum and dad.

But as grandparents they don't have to have contact at all, and maybe not even until your DD is old enough to appreciate it.

OP, you're being exceptionally considerate and thoughtful, in my opinion. With the current situation re your ex the ILs are very fortunate to have had as much contact as they have. If ex starts to take his responsibilities seriously and behaves himself during contact then it could be that the exILs will find themselves invited to your daughter's second birthday celebrations, but they should count themselves very lucky that you're amenable to them seeing her at all.

Actually, they aren't your IL's are they, as they don't have any legal link to your daughter.

Haven't read the entire post, but I can only say I am glad you are facilitating the relationship between the paternal grandparents and your dd, I don't think that entitles them to attend a party held by your parents or necessarily to see her on the very day dd turns one and they have no right to demand that of you.

Your Ex sounds awful, though wanting an abortion is valid, IMHO, and does not, of itself, disqualify any parent. And ex-sister-in-law of mine had the fact that she initially wanted to abort held against forever after, much to my disgust.

I think you are being more than generous regarding their contact with her - it must be a strain on you with all that's happened not to be able to just leave them behind and be the bigger person.

Why should you or your parents have people in your house you don't want. There are going to be an awful lot of events over the years surely they can't expect to be included in everything you and your DD do?

I would actually email them reminding them that you have no obligation to allow them contact with you DD - you have no intention of not letting them see her but if you receive anymore correspondence of that nature you may well have to have a rethink in the future as you are not prepared to let them negatively affect you or DD in any way.

You don't need this hassle - they are being treated perfectly reasonably.

She is your child , not theirs. They had their chance at child rearing and now it is your turn . If you don't want to invite them , don't . Life is too short to spend it ruminating on what is or isn't the " right " thing to do . Enjoy your daughters birthday . You do not have to continue to think about including them in things you want to do with your own child . They have no legal rights at all and judging by their behaviour in the past they are not to be trusted 100% . So, enjoy YOUR child !!

YANBU at all, they are being treated completely fairly-as others have said your mother is hosting this little party and they are visiting the following week.

HOWEVER-to those who have said that they have not taken any responsibility for their son's behaviour- why should they? He is an adult and they have no control over him and are not responsible for his words or actions.
Just monitor their own behaviour towards your child.

I wouldn't be facilitating contact while their son refused to acknowledge my child... All comments like that would be swiftly met with "but according to your son, she isn't his, and therefore isn't your grand daughter."

You are being nicer than me, but either way - they have no right to dictate what happens on what day... I think I would say something back like "she won't know what day it is at this age - don't worry about it, it is just a day my parents have arranged, you will get to see more of her on the day we are due to meet up anyway".

That is if you can refrain from saying "bugger off you silly woman"

:-)

I remember your last thread. I'm surprised you still let them see her - but you sound like a good person.

They seem to be living in cloud cuckoo land where they are calling the shots concerning your daughter. I would fire a warning shot over their bows by cancelling the visit the week after the birthday and throwing a wobbly of your own about how everyone in her family ruins things.

I would be really wary about their son being involved at all- not because of him- but because they seem so controlling.

I agree with tobiasfunke. You are being very good to them, and it's time they realized it. If their son had his way there would not even be a birthday to celebrate. You should put your foot down. Absolutely do not let them wear you down over the party. You don't want them there and your family doesn't want them there - and your daughter is too young to know what's going on. You have all the power in this scenario, and you're being very kind. Don't let them browbeat you into doing things you don't want to do (like son, like parents?)

Thank you everyone. I have deleted DD's grandmother from facebook (eek) and sent a message explaining that it won't be possible for her to attend my parent's gathering on DD's birthday but that we shall see her the following weekend and that it would be lovely to celebrate DD's birthday together then.

Hopefully I shall receive a reasonable reply.

Well done that is a courteous and appropriate reply.

Well done Chesterberry! It's taken me years to put my MIL in her place after she thought she would be present at every single birthday/xmas my DD has. She just took over so many times and often caused arguments.

I'd be tempted to put a mummy's little princess t shirt on her and post that on Facebook. You have to stop this now, let them know who is in charge or this will continue to happen. The only reason they have any relationship with your dd is because you LET them.

No, YANBU at all. Ok if it was a big affair and everyone was invited but them then maybe she has a point.
Under the circumstances the fact they broke your trust and their sons behaviour she is lucky you keep contact going at all.
I would reply that of course your mum comes first and will do, and that if her son had been half decent she could have had a better relationship. I'm for you.