AIBU not to invite DD's paternal grandparents to 1st birthday party?

[chesterberry]

As a bit of back-story DD's father left me when I was pregnant and has nothing to do with her. He has recently begun to acknowledge that she is his daughter after previously saying she couldn't possible be his but hasn't requested contact with her. His parents do see DD and have done since she was born although they live several hours away from us. Contact was one day a month and they had a few unsupervised contacts however they broke my trust and I'm concerned they might arrange for DD's father to meet them when they have her. The current agreement is they will see us one weekend every 5/6 weeks but with me in the nearby vicinity the whole time.

My DD turns one this weekend and my parents are hosting a very small gathering for her at their house - my parents and siblings will be there along with a small number of my friends and their DC. It is going to be a very low-key affair and, aside from the fact there will be birthday cake and presents, I don't anticipate the day being very 'party' like.

I have not invited DD's paternal grandparents and they are due to see us the weekend after her birthday. I previously told them that I was not having a party for DD (which was the truth at the time) however my parents have since arranged this gathering. Unfortunately a friend of mine commented on something I posted on facebook with something along the lines of 'looking forward to seeing you on Saturday for [DD name]'s party - can't believe it's been a whole year.' DD's grandmother saw this and has sent me a message saying how upset she is that I lied about having a party and have not invited her.

I replied and explained that it isn't a party but a very small gathering and was arranged after I last spoke to them. I assured them that we could have a special day out the following week to celebrate her birthday wit them. I have had another reply saying I am being very unfair denying them the joy of seeing their granddaughter on her actual birthday and that I'm putting my parent's relationship with my DD above their own relationship with her.

I really do not want to invite them. My parents and friends all hate my ex and, by extension, are not massive fans of his parents. Before leaving me he tried to pressure me into an abortion and said he hoped I'd miscarry and on one occasion he threatened me. I have told his parents this although they haven't really acknowledged it. Their presence would turn what, hopefully, will be a lovely, relaxed celebration into something no doubt stressful and tense.They live hundreds of miles from my parents and would need to travel down so just popping around for a bit before/after the gathering isn't really a possibility.

I really feel that I shouldn't invite them but I don't know if I am being selfish and letting my poor relationship with them (and their son) cloud my judgement. My family very much feel I shouldn't invite them but my mum has said she will support me in whatever I choose to do and welcome them if necessary (they have met a few times previously when ex and I were together) but I still really, really don't want them there. AIBU?

If my ds did what their ds is doing, I would go ape at him, he has behaved disgracefully, but it is not their fault! Mabey tgey are trying to get their son to have a relationship with him and to get him to take some responsibility and to let him know what he's missing but have gone about it the wrong way! Don't use your dd as a weapon in all this, she has a right to have a relationship with her grandparents. They sound like they really want her in their lives.

Ok mabey don't invite them this year, stick to the following week as planned, but you can't expect that every year of her life, they will want to spend her actual birthday with her at some point, so be prepared for that.

Apologies OP, I thought that when you said that they "broke your trust", they had arranged for DD to see her dad without your knowledge. What did they do to break your trust?

OP, you are having them down to celebrate her birthday. People can have multiple celebrations, you do not have to invite them to all of them. YANBU.

Don't blame them for your ex actions!

I am a grandparent and would understand absolutely why you don't want them at a family party. They are very fortunate to be allowed to see her at all. They have no rights to contact. Relax and enjoy your little gathering and let them come the following week if you wish.
I repeat they have no rights at all with regard to your dd.

she has a right to have a relationship with her grandparents.

No one has actual rights to anything actually and if they upset op so much she is different with her daughter then I would say best for them to butt out.

They don't seem to have taken any responsibility for their sons actions have they? In fact quite the opposite.

thegreylady Mon 04-Aug-14 15:40:50 totally agree.

Op you are obviously from your posts and your actions in allowing them contact, a very reasonable person and a kind person.

You seem to have a measure of your childs GP - what they are about, and how to handle them, you seem switched on.

You do not need to ask on here what to do, you know the right thing to do.

And children do not need to be around or know their GP. If they can be, of course thats utterly wonderful, and lucky the families were this is so, but for many its not so for many different reasons, but it doesnt have to be.

You and your DD especially owe these people nothing....it sounds like they take you and her for granted.

I think it's astonishing that anyone thinks you are BU. my dd's first birthday was celebrated with a nice breakfast with dh and the. a little party with my mum and baby friends. My mum popped over at some point, dh's didn't because they live In a different town.

Also sounds to me that you are going to end up cutting contact with these people at some point. I'd jyst do what suits you and ignore any negativity.

What did they do to break your trust?

They had unsupervised contact with her and took her out for a few hours. Whilst there they changed her out of the clothes I had dressed her in and put her into a 'Daddy's Little Princess' type T-shirt. They took photographs of her wearing this before changing her back into the clothes I had sent her out in and returning her to me. The photo was then put on facebook on the grandfather's account and my ex was tagged in the photos. I am not friends with the grandfather so couldn't see the photo but was shown it by a mutual friend.

On paper it doesn't sound like much but it was the fact they did this behind my back with the intention of hiding it from me that upset me and made me worry I couldn't trust them. They are upset at their son for what he has done but I think they are upset because he has denied them the relationship they would like with DD rather than because he hurt me or denied my DD a loving father. I explained everything that happened between ex and I during the pregnancy to them in a letter (previously I hadn't gone into all the details) and they didn't really acknowledge it. I think they see my ex leaving me pregnant and disowning DD as an awful, terrible thing but they don't seem concerned by his behaviour towards me. As such I think they feel they can fix the whole mess by encouraging their son to have a relationship with our DD and I think they think him being involved would enable them to see DD more often and would be less embarrassing for them when they tell friends about their DGD. My worry is that they would arrange for him to meet her whilst they had contact and would do so without telling me; I would let my ex see our DD if he expressed an honest interest but would be very unhappy if it was arranged by the grandparents without my knowledge. Of course I may be mistaken but I cannot trust them at the moment.

Op seriously I remember your thread they lost any high ground the the first time they changed her and took pics etc. I understand she might well be disappointed with her not being invited, I hope she has lambasted her useless fuckwit of a son as well because I feel his transgression is the biggest.

She hasn't got a leg to stand on with regards to contact yet alone any extended family get togethers. You have been more than generous with regards letting the have contact and I feel she is over stepping the mark,this time. I think it's about time she wound her neck in and maybe you need to be firm with her on this point.

Block and delete her from Facebook do contact through email only or text, you've learnt your lesson so to speak she sees you as the enemy now re draw your boundaries.

And thank you to everybody's responses telling me that it is okay not to invite them. I think I will just reiterate that the gathering has not been arranged by me but my parents and that we are just having a quiet get-together with my side of the family. I will say that on this occasion it won't be possible to invite them as it's at my parent's house so I'm not organising the day. I'm going to ignore the bit about putting my parent's relationship with DD over their own.

I will suggest that we do something nice to mark DD's birthday next weekend and that if they want to bring down the relevant family members from their side of the family to make more of an occasion of it that would be fine.

Hopefully that will be enough for them.

You are free to invite whoever you want to the party but it isn't surprising that this is a complicated situation where emotions run high. Your ex did not want the child, you did and you kept the baby and he left. This puts his parents in an impossible situation, where they have to accept their son's choices but there is also a little girl who exists, and with whom, in an occasionally clumsy way, they really want a relationship.

The t-shirt thing was less than tactful, but years ago there was a thread about mums of boys dressing their baby boys in a girl's dress and taking photos. Weird, but sort of understandable. If they have no other grandchildren, they might spend a lot of time thinking about your daughter. What pain for them that supervised visits every other month is all the contact they get.

You hold all the cards at the moment and dictate the terms of their relationship with their granddaughter, which is fair enough, but bear in mind that maybe you might need their help and assistance one day.

What I am not sure about is why they are your friends on Facebook?

(That last post was what I will put in a message to DD's grandmother, not a message to the posters here)

I think that FB is causing problems here. You are not FB friends with them, so you didn't see the post, but they obviously weren't hiding it if a mutual friend saw it. Putting something on FB is the opposite of hiding it.

Then they found out about the party (through another FB post) and thought that you were hiding it from them. I think that you and DD's GPs need to have a conversation about FB, about visits and about DD's dad. And please contact CSA about maintenance, your DD deserves it and her dad needs to pay it.

What I am not sure about is why they are your friends on Facebook?

I had ex's mother as a friend on facebook when ex and I were in a relationship - we were together over three years and I had stayed at his parent's house numerous times and at some point I guess we added each other as friends.

Once I became pregnant and even after my ex left it just seemed an easy way to stay in contact with her considering that she wanted to be involved in the baby. To begin with she was very supportive and I didn't anticipate so many problems. I have thought about deleting her since the relationship has become more problematic but I'm worried it will come across as passive aggressive or cause more problems when she notices.

Maybe I should just take the plunge and delete her though.

I think your giving them way to much thought and clout you dont have too, let them do all walking for you, and be firm with them. good luck and enjoy the birthday, I always think the first is for the mum especially! Enjoy, dont give them a second thought.

You have every right to put your own parents above them anway, this is not a normal situation!

this is a hard one one the one hand you think to hell with them and there useless son .but on the other they are not responsible for there sons behaviour .parents dont like uncomfortable truths about there darling adult children .if your mum thinks she wont be able to hold her tounge then no dont invite them maybe they will have to accept this is not going to be a normal grandaughter /grandparent relationship .i hope you have a good day with your baby .there first birthday is a special time .

The grandparents shouldn't be held responsible for what their son did. That isn't fair. Albeit, their behaviour last time they had DD isn't fair either but Id have had that out with them by now to let them know in no uncertain terms that Im not pleased, and why, and that they need to bear in mind their son's appalling behaviour.

If I felt they had an acceptance regarding how I felt then even based on their past mistakes, I would let them see DD. Its 1 error. You have to be careful with these situations. The stark reality is that children don't remain children forever; they grow up and often ask questions, especially when they see/hear their friends talking about grandparents. You can find they aren't in agreement with your reasons for keeping them away from grandparents and that can become an issue in itself.

Haven't read all of the thread, so apologies if this has already been covered.

Bottom line - your parents are hosting this family gathering for your DD. As hosts, if they are not 100% happy with having your exes parents there (and why should they be), that is their prerogative.

Given the travel factor & the generally demanding & not 100% trustworthy nature of exes parents I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. For me it would be as much about setting a precedent as the event itself. Let them manipulate you once & they will continue to do so for the next 17 years.

I agree mistress, they are the Girls grandparents too, and whilst tgey have no legal rights of contact, your dd has a right to have both grandparents in her life (providing they are not toxic) which I don't think they are. Yes I would have told them that you were unhappy about what they did considering their sons appealling behaviour, you do not want it happening again as it can affect your trust in them, that is important. They need to be with you on your side to have a relationship with their grandaughter.

They are not responsible for their ds behaviour, he is!

Mabey next year they can see her on her actual birthday, mabey alternate it!

I have had another reply saying I am being very unfair denying them the joy of seeing their granddaughter on her actual birthday and that I'm putting my parent's relationship with my DD above their own relationship with her.

Emotional blackmail... don't let them hold this gun to your head.

You are not denying them anything. You already had plans to see them the following weekend.

Its pathetic to get hung up on a date. They will ultimately get more attention from your daughter by having her to themselves a week later.

You have been invited somewhere.
The hosts have chosen who to invite.
The hosts have chosen not to invite your daughters other GC.
Up to them!
Would paternal GC be inviting your extended family everywhere?

And personally, based on your last thread which I remember well, you are being as nice and generous as you can be in the circumstances.

Fwiw - we are fine with all the GP's. My mum was there for DS's first birthday ONLY because it was also her own birthday. My sister hosted a joint party a few days before. Don't think PIL even knew about it as they live 4 hours away.

They came down the weekend before and we spent the whole weekend doing special birthday treats (cake smash ) which none of my family attended.

I don't think there was any ill feeling. PIL also see DS less than once every 6 weeks by choice / circumstance and they are fine. They have a lovely relationship. Those visits are also supervised, because they come and stay with us or vice versa, and they want to spend time with us too!

So - I could say that GP only see DS once every 2/3 months and it's supervised. That is technically true. But not bad!

So if you said to them, yes, come to the party, but we will be cancelling the wekeend after - they wouldn't be happy either! They are being controlling.

The specific situation and your relationship with the your dad's father aside, yanbu to have a small gathering at your parents' and not invite the other set. I honestly don't see what the big deal is at all, and think if the GPS were reasonable people they wouldn't have a problem doing something at another time. The fact they are leaping on your friend's comments and confronting you about it and trying to force your hand for an invitation to someone else's house shows they are not reasonable people IMO.

Who behaves like that? I mean really?

On my niece's birthday my SIL used to hold a little gathering for her side of the family and another for ours on a different day. Not a party, just tea and cake. No reason for the separation except smaller groups were easier for her and no one took any offence, why would they?

My parents haven't always been able to see my children on their actual birthday, but have seen them a few days later instead and it was absolutely fine. They are not children, why should they be devastated at not seeing her on her birthday? And she won't know the difference.

One of my Ils does not celebrate birthdays and the other does. As a result we often have a big day out for the dcs birthdays that I don't invite them to, but then arrange something lower key with them the day or so after. Not a problem for anyone, they are all grown ups!

In a family where everyone is supportive and loving towards each other rather than possessive and controlling, what you are planning would be absolutely normal.

You cannot judge the gps by the actions of their son, however it seems like as a family they have a history of trying to pressure you into doing what they want, manipulate you and make you doubt yourself. Don't let them. You know you are doing your best in the circumstances, continue to be kind and include them, beyond that, do whatever you please with your daughter OP.

Sorry, I clearly meant your dd's father in the first sentence!