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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to invite DD's paternal grandparents to 1st birthday party?

100 replies

chesterberry · 04/08/2014 14:05

As a bit of back-story DD's father left me when I was pregnant and has nothing to do with her. He has recently begun to acknowledge that she is his daughter after previously saying she couldn't possible be his but hasn't requested contact with her. His parents do see DD and have done since she was born although they live several hours away from us. Contact was one day a month and they had a few unsupervised contacts however they broke my trust and I'm concerned they might arrange for DD's father to meet them when they have her. The current agreement is they will see us one weekend every 5/6 weeks but with me in the nearby vicinity the whole time.

My DD turns one this weekend and my parents are hosting a very small gathering for her at their house - my parents and siblings will be there along with a small number of my friends and their DC. It is going to be a very low-key affair and, aside from the fact there will be birthday cake and presents, I don't anticipate the day being very 'party' like.

I have not invited DD's paternal grandparents and they are due to see us the weekend after her birthday. I previously told them that I was not having a party for DD (which was the truth at the time) however my parents have since arranged this gathering. Unfortunately a friend of mine commented on something I posted on facebook with something along the lines of 'looking forward to seeing you on Saturday for [DD name]'s party - can't believe it's been a whole year.' DD's grandmother saw this and has sent me a message saying how upset she is that I lied about having a party and have not invited her.

I replied and explained that it isn't a party but a very small gathering and was arranged after I last spoke to them. I assured them that we could have a special day out the following week to celebrate her birthday wit them. I have had another reply saying I am being very unfair denying them the joy of seeing their granddaughter on her actual birthday and that I'm putting my parent's relationship with my DD above their own relationship with her.

I really do not want to invite them. My parents and friends all hate my ex and, by extension, are not massive fans of his parents. Before leaving me he tried to pressure me into an abortion and said he hoped I'd miscarry and on one occasion he threatened me. I have told his parents this although they haven't really acknowledged it. Their presence would turn what, hopefully, will be a lovely, relaxed celebration into something no doubt stressful and tense.They live hundreds of miles from my parents and would need to travel down so just popping around for a bit before/after the gathering isn't really a possibility.

I really feel that I shouldn't invite them but I don't know if I am being selfish and letting my poor relationship with them (and their son) cloud my judgement. My family very much feel I shouldn't invite them but my mum has said she will support me in whatever I choose to do and welcome them if necessary (they have met a few times previously when ex and I were together) but I still really, really don't want them there. AIBU?

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 04/08/2014 19:14

Personally, I think you've gone over and above what anyone should be expected to do to facilitate a GP-child relationship with their ex's parents.

Enjoy your day and ignore their guilt-tripping.

PhaedraIsMyName · 04/08/2014 19:26

your dd has a right to have both grandparents in her life

Why do people make up such non-existent rights?

PhaedraIsMyName · 04/08/2014 19:33

The grandfather is the one who is incapable of keeping a photograph in his wallet or on his phone to show his friends in the pub isn't he ? That was the excuse for the Facebook photos.

You're much nicer than me I'd have ended all contact then.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 04/08/2014 19:34

but you sound like a good person.

You can still be a good wonderful person and do what you want.

ChrisMooseAlbanians · 04/08/2014 19:34

Well done OP. yanbu AT ALL! What a fantastic reply too

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 04/08/2014 19:35

Well done chester.....Your holding a good course amongst horrible behaviour you really are. Enjoy the bday.

grannytomine · 04/08/2014 19:37

Children can't get too much love. These people clearly love her, did you say it was a six hour drive to see her? Why would you, or your parents, not want that?

I hope you can all celebrate for and with your daughter and put differences away for her sake. Don't blame them for their son's behaviour, he is an adult and should be given the full credit.

grannytomine · 04/08/2014 19:39

Morethan why does the OPs mother come first, are grandparents ranked in some way?

PhaedraIsMyName · 04/08/2014 19:44

grannytonine The OP is not punishing them for their son's behaviour. She is rightly being very cautious of them because of their own appalling behaviour when they had access.

They dressed the child up in a t-shirt saying daddy's little princess (frankly bad enough in its own right)"Daddy" wanted OP to have an abortion. This photograph was posted without OP's consent on Facebook followed up by spiteful and bullying texts when OP asked them to remove the photograph.

You need to read the other thread.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 04/08/2014 19:55

I didnt know or read about other thread its perfectly clear and obv from this one.

Chiana · 04/08/2014 20:00

OP, I think you're being reasonable and polite. I also think though that you badly need to contact the CSA. Your ex should be paying maintenance.

angelohsodelight · 04/08/2014 20:05

You have a happy first birthday with your daughter, one with lovely memories rather than being on edge.

Yanbu

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 04/08/2014 20:06

Your ex should be paying maintenance

Hes not paying

Pilgit · 04/08/2014 20:16

What gets me about this is that they seem to expect the OP will foster an equal relationship. Even without the abuse of trust after their sons behaviour it would be odd to think that would happen. OP you are being amazing and if they cannot see that it that's their problem.

SquattingNeville · 04/08/2014 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missnevermind · 04/08/2014 20:31

I have been with DH for 27 years. My parents and his parents have met twice. Once before the wedding and at the wedding.
Their is no reason to have all the grandparents on the same room at the same time. The kids get 2 party's one with each family. I thought this was quite normal

HermioneWeasley · 04/08/2014 20:39

"they have said I am putting my parents' relationship with my DD above theirs"

Erm, yes. These are your parents who you love and trust. You are under no obligation to maintain a relationship with your ex's parents. They may be sad for them, but it's reality. They have also not done anything to win your trust or reassure you- quite the opposite.

They are lucky that you let them see her at all.

Stick to your guns - anyone who undermines you as DD's primary carer is not acting in HER best interests.

merrymouse · 04/08/2014 20:49

"your dd has a right to have both grandparents in her life".

If that were true (and excepting cases of death or illness) that would be the the relevant parent's responsibility. What about aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins? All families look different and have varying amounts of contact.

As far as this family is concerned it sounds as though the father wouldn't be too bothered if his daughter were adopted.

WeAreEternal · 04/08/2014 20:58

I would contact her will a message along these lines,

"I'm sorry that you are upset, it was certainly not my intention. when I told you I was not having a party I meant it, I never had any intentions of giving dd a party for her first birthday, personally I don't see the point in a party for a one year old.
I had suggested a special family meal to my parents to celebrate which they offered to organise and host it which I was grateful for. However, after that conversation they then decided they would invite a few more family members and close friends, which is how it has turned into a small party.

If I had organised a party I absolutely would have invited you, but this isn't my party it is my parents and I'm sorry to say that they are not comfortable with inviting you.
I'm sure you can appreciate that they feel that inviting you may cause an uncomfortable atmosphere which will likely affect what should be a nice celebration for dd, and after all it's what's best for her that matters above everything.

I promise we will make the following weekend just special for DD"

captainproton · 05/08/2014 06:33

Weareeternal, but why should OP have to say that? She is separated from the father. I have no wish to socialise with my ex's parents. If they are still standing by their son and haven't gone NC, and if they had gone NC then that silly TSHIRT idea would never have happened, then they are basically condoning his behaviour and the fact he won't financially support his own child.

They seem to have very little respect for OP, and I think they seem very selfish.

If anything the OP should be setting some boundaries. A contact schedule she is comfortable with that would benefit her DD. I would also want to start making steps to get some child maintenance from the father. Perhaps she could ask these people if they could assist in getting their son to support his child. At the least they could supply current address, employment details for CSA.

I would also insist on communication via email only, and be clear that any other forms of communication will be viewed as harassment.

Anyone with half a clue on the feelings of others will realise that the maternal GP are unlikely to invite them the paternal GP, and parents of a price A wanker to their home on their grandchild's birthday.

FryOneFatManic · 05/08/2014 06:53

Those who reckon the GPs are not responsible for their son's behaviour towards OP and her DD, need to remember that this son's behaviour didn't come from nowhere.

They seem to be controlling and bullying people (I read the other thread) and it's no surprise their son is the way he is.

I do think the OP should go to the CSA (or whatever it is now) for maintenance.

Four125 · 05/08/2014 06:54

I remember your previous threads, I think you have been incredibly patient and understanding in your dealings with them.
YANBU.
But they have often BU.

DizzyKipper · 05/08/2014 07:12

When looking at the thread title I was initially prepared to tell you that you were being unreasonable - I do believe it's important to keep things fair and "equal" between both sides of the family. But actually reading your OP I don't think you are. You're not with the father, and the fact is you're not denying them the opportunity to celebrate their GD's birthday with her - it's just that the day will be on a different one to her bday (which is actually the norm in my family). You get to celebrate your daughter's bday with just your side of the family together if you want, they don't have a right to be there when you're not actually with the father. If they also want a party for her then they're capable of organising one themselves for their side, surely? But then due to space limitations this is how we handle our DD's bday - one day we spend with my family, one day we spend with DH's. So long as you're giving them the opportunity to see her and try to establish a relationship with your daughter I don't see that you're dong anything wrong.

Icimoi · 05/08/2014 07:24

They don't seem to have been bothered about seeing their granddaughter on her birthday until they realised that your parents were. That's rather dog in the manger.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/08/2014 08:26

Yes that's a great reply, op

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