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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it might be true that most people dislike weddings?

146 replies

TheRealAmandaClarke · 03/08/2014 07:50

Or have become a grumpy old woman? Grin

(I know the truth btw, I'm not offended)

I think its a fairly recent thing and probably related to the "modern" high expectations from B&G about their day, spiralling costs which the B&G usually pay for themselves, and large guest lists/ geographical spread of families and friends which make overnight stays a neccessity.

I don't think there was so much angst about wedding in the past (apart from the ever present family politics issues iyswim).

Have we lost all sense of reason with our weddings? So many threads raise issues about children at weddings (almost always a cost factor to not invite them and often a problem for guests), overseas weddings dictating the family holiday for that year, expensive overnight stays in remote hotels (oops Blush), requests for money.......

I honestly think that it didn't used to be that bad. And more people were content with a modest celebration with family and friends, that suited their budget, rather than giant disney princess, magazine cover, tattler style events that we all seem to need. And the cost affects the couple and all their guests with much grumbling for some time.

Am i unreasonable to suggest this?
Am i alone?

OP posts:
hoobypickypicky · 03/08/2014 14:18

" Saying no isn't an option if they are family weddings and you've been to their sibling or cousins weddings and aren't going on hols."

Saying no isn't an option for you but it is for me!

I've declined more than once with the response that I don't like weddings and would make a miserable guest.

microcosmia · 03/08/2014 14:28

Seriously hooby it's not in my case. I'm the only family left of one branch of the family so I do get invited more because of that. I can't really refuse to go to the wedding of a relative if I've been to the weddings of her 3 brothers the previous year. Well, technically I could but the fallout would be enormous. Likewise I have to gift them the same amount of money as it would be expected. I'd prefer to give a lamp or something but unfortunately unbeknownst to me I set a precedent at the first one before all the other engagements and wedding plans were known. The people getting married were all the same degree of relation to me. I could hardly make fish of one and flesh of the other. If I did it would lead to bad feeling and my lot can hold a silent grudge for generations, it's just not worth it.

microcosmia · 03/08/2014 14:29

Seriously hooby it's not in my case. I'm the only family left of one branch of the family so I do get invited more because of that. I can't really refuse to go to the wedding of a relative if I've been to the weddings of her 3 brothers the previous year. Well, technically I could but the fallout would be enormous. Likewise I have to gift them the same amount of money as it would be expected. I'd prefer to give a lamp or something but unfortunately unbeknownst to me I set a precedent at the first one before all the other engagements and wedding plans were known. The people getting married were all the same degree of relation to me. I could hardly make fish of one and flesh of the other. If I did it would lead to bad feeling and my lot can hold a silent grudge for generations, it's just not worth it.

combust22 · 03/08/2014 14:29

Too right saying no is an option.
My OHs nephew is planning a huge wedding at a stately home in the Scottish Borders, I have already made it clear i won't be going.

Weddings are gruesome.

hoobypickypicky · 03/08/2014 14:37

Ah but think of the peace and quiet a simple no could provide, microcosmia. And possibly for years too! Grin

But seriously, I never have been a fan of the"I have to do it" theory in life. I don't have to. I really don't and I won't. Life's too short to do things which are inessential and don't make me happy. If people want to kick off and make a drama of it I tell them the door marked "Stage Entrance" is ---- > that way. Wink

Hotbot · 03/08/2014 14:57

Tedious beyond belief and you daren't refuse to attend as the shit hits the fan big time !!
Dh bad I have spent 600 quid on the last one, outfits x4 accomodation gifts, stress of entertaining kids and keeping them quiet
I really think we could have a fab family,weekend for that, and we really couldn't refuse to go.

microcosmia · 03/08/2014 15:05

Hooby I know what you say is true. I'd normally be pretty assertive about declining things but when it comes to family it's different. Too much politics. I'm something of an outsider as it is which is fine but digging in on this would be courting trouble. DH hates going but his family are even more tricky about funerals, all kinds of unknowable codes of behaviour surface.

So we go, grit our teeth, do our duty and cut and run when we can. It might sound hypocritical but it's the only way to retain civil ties with people who are very bound by social rules and don't accept opting out especially in matters of religious ceremonies that they invest huge significance in, and are convinced of their righteousness.

microcosmia · 03/08/2014 15:07

That sounded a bit ranty, sorry!

microcosmia · 03/08/2014 15:07

Hooby I know what you say is true. I'd normally be pretty assertive about declining things but when it comes to family it's different. Too much politics. I'm something of an outsider as it is which is fine but digging in on this would be courting trouble. DH hates going but his family are even more tricky about funerals, all kinds of unknowable codes of behaviour surface.

So we go, grit our teeth, do our duty and cut and run when we can. It might sound hypocritical but it's the only way to retain civil ties with people who are very bound by social rules and don't accept opting out especially in matters of religious ceremonies that they invest huge significance in, and are convinced of their righteousness.

grannytomine · 03/08/2014 15:10

I used to like weddings but they are a bit much now although some people still have weddings that aren't like a Hollywood production. I have never been abroad to a wedding, the idea of being trapped in a hotel I didn't choose in a country I didn't choose with alot of people I don't choose is my idea of hell. I wouldn't do it if it was free let alone pay for it.

microcosmia · 03/08/2014 15:10

I have no idea what's happening with my posts, it only happens on this site too

combust22 · 03/08/2014 15:12

Families don't mean much to me, I don't care who I offend. Apart from those very close, the rest can take a hike.

noddyholder · 03/08/2014 15:14

I think that obligation to family and guilt etc is why I love my friends so much!

noddyholder · 03/08/2014 15:15

I just say I'm busy that weekend sorry I can't make it and send a gift (sometimes)

combust22 · 03/08/2014 15:31

Apart from my own DC families are a random genetic occurance.

Floop · 03/08/2014 15:32

I absolutely bloody love weddings.

combust22 · 03/08/2014 15:34

And mostly bothersome.

combust22 · 03/08/2014 15:36

I enjoyed my divorce far more than my wedding. Better party, didn't have to get dressed up and no-one minded me getting sloshed. In fact it was expected.

noddyholder · 03/08/2014 16:07
Grin
Laquitar · 03/08/2014 18:28

As much as i don't like the very formal onrs (i dont like a long wait for photographs etc), i m also a bit hmm with the competitive frugal ones tbh. The ones that if you have anything more than baked beans and leaves from trees instead of napkins you are showing off.

Middle range ones are the best for me and i like dancing.

I think that there is some personal responsibility when you are a guest. You cant go there with a bad mood trying to pick anything 'wrong', not making an effort to talk to others, and having this superior air that you havetoo much depth for all this!
Imo it helps if you go with a good mood, willingness to be open to new friends and a sense of humour.

Ikea,
It sounds nice to me, i hope you have good fun!

Thumbwitch · 03/08/2014 19:02

Having already said upthread that I like weddings, I should have added (even though it wasn't asked about) that I really don't like the trend for extended hen-nights/weekends/weeks. REALLY don't like that. So expensive, and forced entertainment, doing what the bride-to-be really enjoys (well it is her event so not that surprising but not really my scene half the time!)

So I didn't have one. Well, I did in the end but it was a traditional small gathering of good friends the night before the wedding - I had one couple staying over at my house, he went to bed early and left us to it, and another 3 girlfriends came over - we had a good laugh! Completely spontaneous and didn't cost a bean except for the one who brought a bottle of fizz with them. Grin

MrsMikeDelfino · 03/08/2014 19:07

I love weddings. -Especially if it's a child free one and I can leave them with the grandparents-- Grin
disclaimer - love 'em really. Just can't beat a child free wedding. Grin

MrsMikeDelfino · 03/08/2014 19:07

Strike out fail. Duh.

Laquitar · 03/08/2014 19:11

YY i dont like hen nights/wkends away/spas either.

hoobypickypicky · 03/08/2014 19:13

You didn't sound like you were ranting at all, microcosmia. :) It's funny how some families attach so much more meaning to these events than others.

I'm fascinated and trying to work out the whys and wherefores of your family's take on weddings without being so nosy that I ask you your shoe size and favourite make of car. Grin

Is the whole expectation of attendance and unknowable codes of behaviour at weddings and funerals religious based or class based? Or cultural, as in, "This is the way it's done in small crofting islands in the Outer Hebrides"?

Oh god, please don't tell me that you do come from a small crofting community in the outer Hebrides! Grin