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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder where the joy is in forcing someone to marry you?

204 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 31/07/2014 22:26

This is probably going to sound awful and I'm so sorry if I offend!

A lot of my friends at the moment are getting engaged which I do think is lovely, but the vast majority have been trying to twist their DPs arm about it for at least a year+, a lot have been given ultimatums etc which I personally wouldn't be able to bear, I can see why if the woman wants to wait until married to have children etc and totally understand marriage is important to many people but personally I just think having to practically force someone to ask you would put a very bad taste in my mouth. But each and every time one of these guys propose to my friends, I genuinely am absolutely pleased for them, have even shed a tear of happiness knowing how much said friend has been waiting and worrying.
What I don't think the guys have been bargaining for is how fast said friends would start planning weddings and organising things. I get the impression these guys thought maybe the ring was buying them another couple of years but in so many cases I've seen friends enter wedding competitions, enquiring via Facebook about certain venues etc within days of getting the longed for proposal!
Why is it so often the women driving these things, does it not take the joy out of it?

AIBU for feeling this way? Do I sound jealous? I honestly don't think that's it at all, it just sometimes feels like watching a car crash about to happen!

OP posts:

chipshop · 02/08/2014 11:27

I do find it interesting. I have a few friends where DP is good friends with their DHs. The women tell me their romantic proposal stories whereas I know one DH got a propose or you're dumped ultimatum and another distressed DH called DP from his kitchen saying he knew he had to walk into the lounge and propose (he was about to be ditched too) but he really didn't want to.

DP is a funny one, he freaked out at the thought of us moving in together when I got a job in his city, then when I started looking into my own place he was beside himself and begged me to move in. Then I moved in and he went on about how amazing it was whereas having him in my space 24/7 drove me crackers initially!

He's like this with anything new. So I can see him having a breakdown over proposing, then saying being married is the best thing ever.

LL12 · 02/08/2014 13:35

I know of about three couples where they live together and have children, and the woman wants to get married but her boyfriend doesn't.
Just as the first child is about to start school they get 'engaged' even though the man still has no intention of actually getting married.
Is it like someone else said and just a pacifier being used by the man?
Does the woman think that she will gain more respect from teachers when they see that she is wearing an engagement ring?
It just seems very oddl

FraidyCat · 02/08/2014 13:47

What actually are the benefits of being married these days though? Are there actually any? I just don't see the incentive now.

You might get half of his house when you separate, instead of nothing.

areyoubeingserviced · 02/08/2014 14:12

I really don't understand why people don't discuss these things when they are dating.
My dh and I discussed a number of issues when we were dating ; marriage, children , finance etc
I know too many desperate women who have strong armed their partners into marrying them. Their dps then feel that they are some great prize( I can assure you, that many are not).
The funny thing is that men propose to the women who are not desperate to get married.

scottishmummy · 02/08/2014 14:12

what an achievement? half his house.that sound so graspy

FishRabbit · 02/08/2014 14:17

He doesn't have a house! We live in mine.

whatever5 · 02/08/2014 14:26

For me the benefits in getting married were that we would then have children. I didn't want to risk leaving having children until it was too late so I made it clear in my late 20s that if marriage/children wasn't on the cards in the near future I would move on. In some peoples opinion that may mean I "forced" him to get married but we have been together (happily) for 23 years now. My mother did the same thing and she and my father have been very happily married for over 50 years. Many of the people who didn't "force" their DP to get married are however, now divorced.

noddyholder · 02/08/2014 14:30

Half his house?

CuriosityCola · 02/08/2014 15:15

Half of all joint assets surely.

This is not graspy. My mother was really naive about this and we ended up nearly on the street because of it. Luckily the council gave us a flat after being homeless for a year.

combust22 · 02/08/2014 15:23

whatever "For me the benefits in getting married were that we would then have children."

It is possible to have children without being married.

Pantone363 · 02/08/2014 15:28

YABU

Mostly because my DP has asked me to marry him god knows how many times and I've said no god knows how many times.

Turns out as soon as a woman doesn't want to get married they can't bloody stop asking.

HappyAgainOneDay · 02/08/2014 15:30

combust22

Perhaps that is possible but some still have what I and others would call 'standards'. OK, those of us who think like that could be considered as old fashioned but sometimes there are still raised eyebrows.

I know someone who was engaged for 13 years .....

FraidyCat · 02/08/2014 15:30

He doesn't have a house! We live in mine.

Sorry, "you" meant someone getting married, not you in particular. And I said "might" because obviously someone has to have a house to lose half of, for this to apply, and that's obviously not always the case.

whatever5 · 02/08/2014 15:33

*combust22 -yes obviously it is possible to have children without getting married but I personally wouldn't choose (unless I got pregnant by accident) to have children with someone who wasn't willing to commit to marriage. I also knew that DH would never choose to have children before marriage, so for me marriage was something that had to happen before children.

FraidyCat · 02/08/2014 15:33

We live in mine

Though in your case it sound like he would benefit from marrying you...

combust22 · 02/08/2014 15:37

"Perhaps that is possible but some still have what I and others would call 'standards'. OK, those of us who think like that could be considered as old fashioned but sometimes there are still raised eyebrows."

How rude. So someone who chooses to have children without being married has "low standards".

It's just as well we have people like you happy to maintain our standards in society otherwise we would all be having sex with dogs.

NomdePlumage · 02/08/2014 15:42

I know a couple getting married soon who aren't in love with each other at all.

They are getting married because she wants the security and he doesn't want to lose his DD.

very sad

combust22 · 02/08/2014 15:43

mon- people marry for all sorts of reasons- being in love may be one of them, but not always.

StrawberryMouse · 02/08/2014 15:57

I think that's quite sensible actually Nom.

NomdePlumage · 02/08/2014 15:59

I know -I suppose because I'm pretty anti-marriage myself I like to think that people doing it are passionate about each other in some way-

but you're right it's more of a legal/practical thing anyway,

NomdePlumage · 02/08/2014 16:00

"I think that's quite sensible actually Nom"

Even if they are going to find love outside the marriage?

noddyholder · 02/08/2014 16:17

Why don't women want to have their own assets before they get married?I personally wouldn't marry as I see no need been together over 20 years and if we split nothing would change for either of us.

noddyholder · 02/08/2014 16:18

pmsl @ standards.

riverboat1 · 02/08/2014 16:59

I think it depends on both parties' reasons for wanting/not wanting to get married.

Particularly whether the person who doesn't want to actually doesn't want to commit to a long term relationship.

But I know plenty if men who don't really want to get married, but are still committed to their relationship andtheir linlong term future with their girlfriend. I think they think the concept of marriage is outdated/irrelevant in terms of the legal and social aspect, plus they don't want the whole white wedding shebang.

I think if this is the case and the woman really DOES want to marry because it means something to HER, it is reasonable for the man to compromise and get married for her sake. Its like its meaningless to him but he could do it to make her happy. It doesn't change much for him, but symbolically it is important for her.

If the guy really doesn't want to get married because he doesn't want to commit to the relationship or to compromise his assets, he'd be a fool to let himself be forced into it.

combust22 · 02/08/2014 17:12

River you paint a picture of men not wanting to marry.

What if it is a woman who feels that way?

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