Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder where the joy is in forcing someone to marry you?

204 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 31/07/2014 22:26

This is probably going to sound awful and I'm so sorry if I offend!

A lot of my friends at the moment are getting engaged which I do think is lovely, but the vast majority have been trying to twist their DPs arm about it for at least a year+, a lot have been given ultimatums etc which I personally wouldn't be able to bear, I can see why if the woman wants to wait until married to have children etc and totally understand marriage is important to many people but personally I just think having to practically force someone to ask you would put a very bad taste in my mouth. But each and every time one of these guys propose to my friends, I genuinely am absolutely pleased for them, have even shed a tear of happiness knowing how much said friend has been waiting and worrying.
What I don't think the guys have been bargaining for is how fast said friends would start planning weddings and organising things. I get the impression these guys thought maybe the ring was buying them another couple of years but in so many cases I've seen friends enter wedding competitions, enquiring via Facebook about certain venues etc within days of getting the longed for proposal!
Why is it so often the women driving these things, does it not take the joy out of it?

AIBU for feeling this way? Do I sound jealous? I honestly don't think that's it at all, it just sometimes feels like watching a car crash about to happen!

OP posts:
whatever5 · 01/08/2014 20:39

I know many people who have got married to their partner of 20+ years. It's often because they want to be their partner's next of kin. This can seem more important as you get older, I think.

combust22 · 01/08/2014 20:49

" It's often because they want to be their partner's next of kin. This can seem more important as you get older, I think."

but there is no legal definition of "next of kin" in the UK.
Generally it is taken to your closest adult, one that needs to be informed in an emergency for instance, but that can easily be the person you cohabit with.

Chunderella · 01/08/2014 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArsenicFaceCream · 01/08/2014 20:51

Don't see how that works scottish. The benefit is to be warmly embraced to the lovely matronly bosom of the MN smug marrieds surely?

Ragwort · 01/08/2014 20:52

Fish I am sure another mumsnetter can answer more eloquently but there are legal advantages to being married - ie: you are your DH/DW's next of kin in case of emergency, inheritance is a lot more straightforward. parental rights and other boring but practical issues. Of course you can have all that arranged legally but it is much simpler to get married. And no, marriage does not mean an expensive day out and a big white dress.

Remember there is no legal status in being a 'common law wife'.

Chunderella · 01/08/2014 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

combust22 · 01/08/2014 20:55

"ie: you are your DH/DW's next of kin in case of emergency," but you are anyway even if you are not married- there is no legal definition of "next of kin"

I don't care about the legal "status" of wife.

scottishmummy · 01/08/2014 21:00

Can nominate a nok inform gp get it recorded on notes no need to be married

Ragwort · 01/08/2014 21:07

Perhaps your DH/DP might care about the 'legal status' of being married Combust ?

I am an old married (25 years Grin) woman and I frequently see other posters not worrying about the 'legal status' of marriage, just hope none of you are left abruptly, or your DP dies, or takes your children away ............... A friend of mine, also in her 50s, has recently had a very messy break up, she has no rights whatsoever and finding yourself homeless and jobless, living in a bed sit, is not much fun.

combust22 · 01/08/2014 21:12

I have had a marrige end and found myself homeless and in a bed sit.
I have lots of rights in my current relationship. I own the largest portion of our home. I am hardly without rights.

whatever5 · 01/08/2014 21:14

I agree that there is no legal definition of "next of kin" in the UK. However, sometimes couples who live together aren't always recognised as being next of kin which could be a problem if you were unconscious in hospital for example. If you are married there is no debate over who is next of kin.

scottishmummy · 01/08/2014 21:19

No,that's not necessarily so.hospital would make inquiries corroborate who is whom
And you can nominate nok,tell gp

combust22 · 01/08/2014 21:22

You can nominate anyone your next of kin- you don't have to be married. Even if you are married it could still be a brother, parent or a friend.

Sounds a trivial reason to marry.

whatever5 · 01/08/2014 21:31

No,that's not necessarily so.hospital would make inquiries corroborate who is whom
And you can nominate nok,tell gp

It is not necessarily so but it is a fact that cohabiting couples aren't always recognised as next of kin in an emergency. And even if you tell your GP, I doubt that this information would be passed on immediately if you had an accident in the middle of the night for example.

scottishmummy · 01/08/2014 21:33

Again,no.hospital would make inquiries irrespective of time of admission
And if gp informed it'd been recorded on notes

combust22 · 01/08/2014 21:33

If you had an accident in the middle of the night- the staff would look for your ID and telephone your home number presumably.

scottishmummy · 01/08/2014 21:34

Yes.they'd seek out your home address,and significant adult

whatever5 · 01/08/2014 21:34

Again,no.hospital would make inquiries irrespective of time of admission

What enquiries would they make Scottishmummy?

whatever5 · 01/08/2014 21:38

Yes.they'dk out your home address,and significant adult

The fact that you were living with someone wouldn't make them the next of kin though.

scottishmummy · 01/08/2014 21:42

Name
Age
Dob
Any medication
Employment
Pre-existing medical history
Is there a Partner or wife
Children
Adult to give a social history,and other details relevant and be contact for hospital
Any children
Is adult a carer for adult/child

whatever5 · 01/08/2014 21:51

A partner is not necessarily the next of kin though so that wouldn't really help.

combust22 · 01/08/2014 21:55

It's hardly a reason to get married though. I am sure if any of the numbers they contacted that I had in my phone would get a message to my partner within minutes. We are not relying on a local bobby bicycling round to get a message to our husbands by banging on the door uder gaslighht.
We have moved on a bit since the 195os.

IckleBird · 01/08/2014 21:59

Im a bit late to thread but this reminds of someone I heard about..early 30's only got married to his dp as thats what she wanted and it was basically a day out + stag do to prague where by he pretty much had intent to cheat on her with a teasing stripper as well he did chest onbother occasions.it got back to his dw and they split up six momths into marriage.

whatever5 · 01/08/2014 22:00

I'm not talking about whether or not you would be told about the accident though Combust55. I'm talking about whether you be given information about your partner’s condition, would his family argue about who was your partners next of kin etc.

combust22 · 01/08/2014 22:06

Still think it's bizarre reason to get married- for some event that is unlikely to happen.

Unlike a divorce for instance which happens to nearly half of married couples now in the UK. That is something you can take your chances on.