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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend walked out of restaurant without paying

456 replies

GermanHouseCat · 31/07/2014 20:13

NC for this. Long time MNetter, been on the site for years. Promise!

I went out last night with a friend and his brother and girlfriend. The friend lives abroad and is back for a few days so it was a nice chance to see him.

They had already eaten when I arrived (an independent gastro bar with table service) and then together we had a round of drinks before planning to move on to another bar.

We asked for the bill, which included the total of the food/drinks they had before I arrived and then the one round of drinks we had together.

When it arrived, friend said "let's just walk out, shall we?" Before I could even fathom what he meant, his DB and GF had agreed and they stood up and walked out.

I was completely Shock Shock and had to make a split second decision about what to do. The bill was large and I couldn't afford to pay it all - nor felt morally at the time that I should - I put the money on the table for my drink and left feeling mortified.

I am usually very assertive but I was just so shocked I didn't know how to handle it. I'm ashamed to admit it but I didn't call them up on it (they were all so cool about doing it) so en route to the next bar I feigned illness and came home.

It can't be a money thing, DF and his GF both have very good jobs, the brother is working.

AIBU to be absolutely mortified at being part of this? I feel that they have implicated me in this and any repercussions. Should I have paid the lot? Should I call the bar and give them DF's details?

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 01/08/2014 21:47

Welcome to the thread, Modern. nice to know you think that victims of crime are sanctimonious.

You are slightly too late to take part in any bun fight, as it was successfully defused by reason and refusal to engage. And has moved on considerably.

I do so hope this is not a disappointment to you.

MadameDefarge · 02/08/2014 08:57

I don't think Matilda will be back, at least not under that name.

Roussette · 02/08/2014 09:07

And that's why NCing (unless totally necessary) gets on my tits ! She was not a happy bunny.

MadameDefarge · 02/08/2014 09:19

A PBP. Oh well.

ShadowFall · 02/08/2014 10:14

PBP?

sillystring · 02/08/2014 10:44

It means "Previously Banned Poster".

MadameDeFarge, seeing it from the point of the vendor has made very interesting reading, thanks for your input. No wonder you feel very aggreived, you've been done out of a lot of money by nasty, selfish individuals.

Restaurants should just ask for a credit card behind the bar these days or else operate like a Nandos and get the money upfront.

TheBogQueen · 02/08/2014 11:03

Friend once did this at a curry restaurant - he and a pal were very drunk .they decidedto leg it with out paying but halfway down the street he realised he had left his coat with wallet in pocket - so he had to go back and face furious waiter Grin

SqueakySqueak · 02/08/2014 11:15

sillystring Here in the US, at least the bars I go to, you have to pay per drink like a vending machine. That's why you tip your bar tender, so that when you get another drink they get to you first and let you "cut" in line when you're standing at the bar again.

The only time this does happen is at sit down restaurants. But bars and dives, it's pay as you go.

Original poster
GermanHouseCat · 02/08/2014 12:54

OP here.

It's escalated a bit. Friend has found out that I've been telling our mutual friends and is furious (although surely that means he knows what he did is very wrong). He said I'm being petty in making it out to be a "big deal" when it "was just a laugh". His gf has deleted me on Facebook (oh no, what a big loss Hmm ).

What I am really surprised about is how many of our mutual friends are sitting on the fence. Nobody has said they agree with what he did, but they are almost trying to ignore it so they can still remain friends with him. Possibly burying their heads in the sand thinking that because they weren't there it can't be as bad as I am suggesting.

OP posts:
Original poster
GermanHouseCat · 02/08/2014 12:55

Cynically I think some friends will be prepared to overlook a lot in order to crash at their flat when they visit the expensive city friend lives in and run the risk of him stealing from them. Hmm

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 02/08/2014 13:04

Oh well, if you lose any friends because they think theft is just a laugh, you've not lost anything really, have you? You don't want people like that in your life.

Tanith · 02/08/2014 13:13

Better to be thought petty than to behave despicably.

Besides, the opinion of a thief isn't one that would worry me at all.

MadameDefarge · 02/08/2014 13:16

Its not only that he did a runner. He implicated you in it. He left you to to pick up the pieces. And then has the gall to say his criminal activity was just a laugh, even t hough it could threaten your job.

Shown his true colours.

Others do tend to sit on the fence in these situations. For your own sanity I think you have to not try and get people to agree with you. They will or they won't, you can't change that.

You could tell him that he is damn lucky you are not calling the police, but if he continues to behave like a shit you might rethink your position on that one.

Roussette · 02/08/2014 13:16

Aren't people odd? Fence sitters are pretty annoying because they could tell him firmly he was out of order but still possibly have a friendship as they weren't the ones on the night out. How can they think it wasn't as bad as you were suggesting when it was so black and white - they did a runner owing £100.
Hope it's not too upsetting for you German.

ReputableBiscuit · 02/08/2014 13:17

Likely they know he did wrong but don't want to get involved, OP.

btw, some petrol stations (coughTOTALcough) deduct stolen fuel from the cashier's wages if they haven't written down the reg plate (which they won't have had time to do if there's a queue to serve).

KnackeredMuchly · 02/08/2014 13:21

Sometimes I'm a fence sitter because although I would never be friends with a dine-and-dash-er, I don't like hearing things 3rd hand.

I would probably write to them and say "Is that true?". If they replied and said yes, then that would be enough but if they bluffed it off - well your fight with him does not need to be my fight. Don't make it into a "sides" issue, let him lose his friends on his own.

wowfudge · 02/08/2014 13:22

What?! Furious that you've exposed him as a nasty little thief rather than the all round nice guy his friends previously thought he was? Hypocritical tosser. Delete him from your FB.

MadameDefarge · 02/08/2014 13:23

No good deed goes unpunished, eh?

Its funny how people think they have a good moral compass, but if it is going to upset a friendship group, that goes out the window.

You are the better person. By a country mile.

Because it is really hard to stick to your guns when everyone is trying to mimimise to save themselves any upset.

I really do applaud you. I see from many many other threads that a bit of petty thievery is not only condoned, but seen as funny.

Then others where they suspect someone of benefit fraud and become hard line righteous defenders of the truth.

It goes to show that morality can really be a movable feast.

But you can console yourself that while you might have lost some er, friends, you have kept your integrity, and most importantly, looked after yourself; he won't be paying your rent if you lost your job and career due to this. Pretty damn sure of that. You have safeguarded that.

MadameDefarge · 02/08/2014 13:25

And as for the fence sitters, they might not take sides now, but they sure as hell know what he is like now - not just the theft, but also as a bully.

That won't have gone unnoticed, and he will never be able to get back peoples previous view of him. That has gone forever.

MadameDefarge · 02/08/2014 13:26

And really, a good riposte to close down any discussion with him would be along the lines of 'If you don't want people to think you are a cunt, don't behave like one'. End of conversation.

EverythingCounts · 02/08/2014 13:29

Agree totally with Madame's posts above. And as you say OP, if it really was 'just a laugh' why would he be furious at you telling people? He knows his bad character has been exposed.

Icimoi · 02/08/2014 13:33

Well, if it was "just a laugh", it won't be any problem for him to pay the restaurant, will it? After all, if he was going to have his laugh and keep the money, some might think that a tad inconsistent, mightn't they?

wowfudge · 02/08/2014 13:34

Response to your friend OP - try telling the waitress whose wages were docked and who now cannot afford her rent that 'it was just a laugh'. Hilarious.

Gruntfuttock · 02/08/2014 13:40

That's a good idea wowfudge.

dylanthedragon · 02/08/2014 14:00

I wonder if the people who lose there jobs because restaurants go out of business every day would find it a laugh as well.

It's nothing but theft. There's no excuse for it. Would he take something from a shop without paying? Would he life a purse from an open handbag? It is no different.