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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why the hell I've taken an instant dislike to this man?

83 replies

JellyDiamond · 31/07/2014 13:18

Please be gentle with me, this is my first post on AIBU!

I've been quite heavily involved in a sports team/group for the past year or so, and it's been one of the best things I've ever done. It's a great bunch of people, good mix of ages, men and women etc and I genuinely like every single one of them, or at least I did until recently. About three months ago a new man joined the team, late 30's/early 40's at a guess, perfectly affable chap and keen to muck in and help, but for whatever reason I just can't stand him!

It's not in my nature to be like this with people I hardly know, so I tried to push my feelings to one side and make an effort with him, but I just cant because every time I see him I keep getting the feeling that he's trouble. He's invaded my personal space by standing too close to me a few times which I don't like anyway, but to be honest I knew I disliked him within minutes of meeting him and that's really, really unlike me!

I know it's not possible like everyone you meet, but I feel a bit guilty about it because he's not done anything to make me dislike him and it's also starting to affect my enjoyment of the team. I just don't want to be around him, at all and I've even considered leaving because of it, which I don't want to do because I genuinely love it and the other people!

What's it all about?

OP posts:
VodkaJelly · 31/07/2014 13:30

Instinct is there for a reason, listen to it. Fight or flight took millions of years to evolve, listen to it.

He might not have done anything yet... but doesnt mean he wont.

Total projection but my friend hated a man on sight at work, he was charming and friendly, turns out he was a sociapath and she saw right through him, just by instinct. (I was totally fooled by him, but didnt get hurt or used, others did)

But of course you could have him pegged wrong and he is a totally nice guy but our instincts are rarely wrong, we just fail to listen to them.

Be friendly to him but always keep him at arms length, something about him has made your internal alarm go off.

FreudiansSlipper · 31/07/2014 13:33

Does he remind you of someone?

Do you feel he is disingenuous ? You have no reason to feel guilty always good to listen to that inner voice

Itsjustmeagain · 31/07/2014 13:36

I think sometimes our instincts tell us things that we just dont understand! (of course instinct can be very wrong- but it wont change how you feel!).

I use taxis a lot and one driver who has never done anything to me at all I just cant stand getting in a taxi with him - I just dont feel safe I have no idea why he is unremarkable apart from the fact that everytime I see him my heart skips a beat and my stomach churns and I just want to run away! He just sits there happily chatting the same as any other taxi driver so I have NO idea what all thats about. I have ended up changing the company I use to one thats slower - just because of this Confused.

DamnIWishIWasYourLover · 31/07/2014 13:40

I used to feel the same way about a friend's boyfriend. I just found him repulsive, if I'm honest. He was always nice enough to me but there was just something I didn't like.

My friend and him have split now; he cheated on her and did lots of other unpleasant things, so looks like my instinct about him being an arsehole was spot on!

CoffeeTea103 · 31/07/2014 13:43

Sometimes we just have this sixth sense about people. I would listen to it but just try to be as normal as possible around him.

Original poster
JellyDiamond · 31/07/2014 13:45

He doesn't remind me of anyone, no. To be honest this has never happened before, I've always given people the benefit of the doubt until they've said or done something to make me dislike them. This man I disliked literally within minutes, even his voice goes through me.

OP posts:
LayMeDown · 31/07/2014 13:47

Yep I'd be wary. I had this with one of DHs friends. Very charming guy. Friendly, funny, really smooth. I hated him, used to make my skin crawl. He seemed soulless to me if that makes sense?
He's up in court soon for assault. Kicked some guy in the face. Not a surprise to me.
Keep your distance.

CalamityKate1 · 31/07/2014 13:49

It's probably a chemistry thing. Apparently we're very attracted to the pheromones of men with whom we'd make the healthiest offspring.

There's probably nothing wrong with him other than if you mated you'd produce sickly offspring :)

Original poster
JellyDiamond · 31/07/2014 13:51

Yes, soulless is a good word for it actually. Occasionally I catch glimpses of this mans face and see a sneer/glare like expression, but I wonder if maybe I'm imagining it because I just don't like him?.

It's very strange.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 31/07/2014 13:51

I don't think it is necessarily a sign of some instinct- you can just dislike some people's faces or voices. It's not rational. I like most children and find most look nice and sweet to me, but every now and again, I meet a child and think 'thank god I didn't get that one'. They just don't look 'right' to me. Some people are quite repulsive to you and that's just the way it is.

It is very few though, which is why it is surprising when it happens.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 31/07/2014 13:53

Calamity I agree smell also plays a part in this, some men smell terrible to me (I never notice women's smell in that way). I have a friend's husband like this and I often wonder how she gets past it (quite funny, she is probably wondering the same about my husband!)

Original poster
JellyDiamond · 31/07/2014 13:55

The thought of mating with this man makes me feel physically ill, I'd rather eat my own shit quite frankly!

OP posts:
ShitStickSugar · 31/07/2014 13:55

I get this too. Frequently. In fact more often then not! Im a grumpy cow!

Chanelnumero19 · 31/07/2014 13:57

you're probably picking up on micro expressions

susiedaisy · 31/07/2014 14:01

Maybe you were unhappily married to him in a past life Wink

wyrdyBird · 31/07/2014 14:06

I think Chanel is right. You're probably picking up a lot more information than you're consciously aware of. You've seen a sneer, he stands too closely and invades your personal space (that's important) - and that's what you are aware of.

I would just allow yourself to not like him and keep your distance.

NewtRipley · 31/07/2014 14:08

This is reminding me of a really visceral dislike I developed for a workmate. I was proved right as he later sexually harassed me a tried to set me up to look incompetent.

At the time it disturbed me a lot because it was soooo strong and unusual

NewtRipley · 31/07/2014 14:09

Jelly. Yes. I was repulsed by him too. And other people found him really charming. He wasn't bad looking either

DeWee · 31/07/2014 14:11

Is it just that he gets in yor personal space and you don't like that though?

I had that with someone, he's the sort of chap who comes up behind you and puts his arms round you trapping your arms.
I'm not a touchy feely person, would rarely hug close friends and tend to be firends with like minded people really.
I could feel myself freeze if I saw him.

Fast forward about a year, and I would now reagrd him (and his wife!)as a very good friend. He's like that with everyone, which once I realised did relax me to some extent. I know if he's around I'm liable to find myself hugged/patted on the back/occasionally tickled if I try and reach up for something etc. No one else I know does that!
He just is a very nice man, but what my granny would have called "overfamiliar" very quickly. I take ages to warm to anyone, and found it threatening at first.

Original poster
JellyDiamond · 31/07/2014 14:22

No, I disliked him within minutes of meeting him. What happened was he just randomly turned up at training one night and I was asked to look after him by the coach, which I was perfectly happy to do as I'd done it before with newbies and had no problems. But after spending about ten minutes in his company just chatting to him I knew I disliked him, he was polite and pleasant but I just didn't like him. I remember hoping that he wouldn't come back, but he did and when he walked through the door I got a shudder down my spine. It really freaked me out.

The invading personal space thing happened a while later at a social we all attended, I was sat with a group of girls and we were sharing a pitcher of cocktail, he wandered in snuck up behind me, looked over my shoulder and said "ooooh what are you drinking". I nearly had a heart attack.

I appreciate this must all sound really stupid though.

OP posts:
BookABooSue · 31/07/2014 14:24

I don't think you need to know why you've taken a dislike to him. You just need to listen to it. Keep your distance but don't focus all your attention on him as it's that focus that's detracting from your enjoyment of your hobby.

tbh I had this with one of DP's relatives. Everyone liked him and I just . . . didn't. I couldn't put my finger on it. A few years later, he acted very badly to DP (it created a massive rift in the family)and I must admit I suddenly went from feeling I'd been unfair to him (although I'd always been polite to him over the years) to feeling vindicated! It has made me more likely to listen to my instincts now.

Original poster
JellyDiamond · 31/07/2014 14:36

Yes BookABooSue, I think your right. I'll just keep my distance and keep an eye on him, nothing I can say or do now as he's not actually done anything.

OP posts:
wyrdyBird · 31/07/2014 15:01

It doesn't sound stupid at all. I think you should trust your instincts, and so does the security expert who wrote this book

I don't like the sound of him either, I'd have words to say to anyone who crept up on me like that!

Original poster
JellyDiamond · 31/07/2014 15:14

Yeah, obviously I'm not going to say he's a danger to women or anything like that because I don't really have any grounds for that. But I can't imagine he'd have snuck up on one of the other blokes and said, "what are you drinking?!" in a slightly deranged voice.

It was just an odd and slightly creepy thing to do and almost certainly intensified my dislike him.

OP posts:
PickleMyster · 31/07/2014 15:32

Agree with others who say about instinct/gut feeling. I had 'feelings' about all sort from a shop assistant convincing me to buy shoes for DS that are ill fitting and two months later they are hurting him, to being introduced to someone and then finding out he is being prosecuted for a heinous crime.

I've currently got a feeling about something, tbh it's ridiculous but I can' t help the way I feel.

Trust your instincts - they are there for a reason.

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