To wonder why the hell I've taken an instant dislike to this man?

[JellyDiamond]

Please be gentle with me, this is my first post on AIBU!

I've been quite heavily involved in a sports team/group for the past year or so, and it's been one of the best things I've ever done. It's a great bunch of people, good mix of ages, men and women etc and I genuinely like every single one of them, or at least I did until recently. About three months ago a new man joined the team, late 30's/early 40's at a guess, perfectly affable chap and keen to muck in and help, but for whatever reason I just can't stand him!

It's not in my nature to be like this with people I hardly know, so I tried to push my feelings to one side and make an effort with him, but I just cant because every time I see him I keep getting the feeling that he's trouble. He's invaded my personal space by standing too close to me a few times which I don't like anyway, but to be honest I knew I disliked him within minutes of meeting him and that's really, really unlike me!

I know it's not possible like everyone you meet, but I feel a bit guilty about it because he's not done anything to make me dislike him and it's also starting to affect my enjoyment of the team. I just don't want to be around him, at all and I've even considered leaving because of it, which I don't want to do because I genuinely love it and the other people!

What's it all about?

Mmm, I am generally easy going to the point that my friends make fun of for liking everyone, but I have had that feeling quite a few times about people and mostly I am proved right.
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jellydiamond I know exactly where you are coming from!

I don't think there is much wrong or strange about feeling instinctively that you cant 'gel' with someone. Its probably evolutionary if we were to trace it back that far.

I am sure we all know of someone who we just hit it off with from the word go, and get on with them like a house on fire. Its just an amazing connection, chemistry, rapport. Equally the converse is true, there is someone who absolutely gives us the heeby-jeebies, irritates or just isn't our cup of tea. It is awful on one level "we are all human beings" etc, true enough, but unfortunately it is sometimes an emotion we cannot control, and a reaction to someone who is an irritation, like a tic.

I worked with someone like that, it was when I was working in a little village shop, volunteers, we all had day-jobs. Everything the bloke said was just soooo annoying, I think it was the stealth-boasting about his new car (eco friendly, this feature, that special paint colour who gives a shiny shit ), how he was the finance director (and??) at his company but also it was the way he said things all quietly and soft spoken as if "Im not boasting", but um oh yes you are, you are just pretending not to! I knew every time I walked in the shop he would just have to say something and I'd cringe!

Oh that was the other thing, if we needed to change rotas we used to email each other. Well, shiney-shit wasn't content with saying "sorry I cant help" it was always " Id like to help, but unfortunately Im away that week in The States" or "sorry I have to meet our Senior Vice President at The Ivy because we need to discuss next year's finance plan" . Didn't your teacher tell you how to stick to the point?

The difficulty is that by articulating what is annoying about the person, it make you look like you are the real prize bitch. I wonder if its a lack of their self-awareness when they say stuff or act in a way that we probably wouldn't do in a month of Sundays.

Just as well we have MN to rant on and not have to say it in RL

Trust your instinct.
Dh had a mate who I met once. I could tell he didn't like me and I suspect didn't like women much in general (misogynist, not gay). He didn't maintain eye contact, spoke over me, and generally made me feel unimportant and small.
He was married twice and we discovered both wives left him because of domestic violence.
I'm not saying I knew he'd do that, but my gut said he was not a good person.

Only once have I had that instant dislike for someone outwardly charming. I ignored my instincts.

Two months later I was sexuallt assaulted in the staff cottages by this man the day before I went on holiday. He later told everyone I'd thrown myself at him but swore everyone to secrecy. I didn't find out about his lies until I broke the silence and told a colleague. We were all very young (late teens, early twenties, though he was late 30s). Thankfully she believed me not him, because she knew I didn't like him. He then did the same with another woman. She also thought it was her fault.

None of this came to light until after he'd left. He absconded from work and then theft and fraud was uncovered.
I say trust your gut and stay away from him. Cordial but distant. His invading your space is a bad sign. He feels entitled to your attention.

I've bought The Gift of Fear for my Kindle-so far it's very interesting and I think he will go on to talk about saying NO and saying it so it's unambiguous and strong.

It reminded me of a guy I very briefly dated when I was 17. I must say the first time I met him I was scared of him. He was good looking on paper but did nothing for me. I ignored all of this and was persuaded to go out on a date with him. He was very "emotional blackmail" and sulky, wouldn't take no for an answer. Angry undercurrent. He kept giving me huge love bites which I hated. After our date I was persuaded (again) to go back to his. It ended up being that I didn't want to have sex with him and expressed this but ended up caving in and doing it anyway because I was scared and I guess I wasn't assertive enough. He talked me into it by emotional blackmail. He wasn't violent but there was an undercurrent. I obviously sensed that. But at that age I was a people pleaser (not any more-no way haha!!).

I feel very strongly that should I have a daughter they will never be in that situation and will have the confidence to say no. People who don't pick up on others discomfort or who don't respect NO are dangerous.

Trust your instincts! It doesn't mean that he may be a serial killer or anything, it can be as harmless as sensing he is a jerk under his friendly veneer.

I rarely react in a strong negative way to people but twice I've had this happen, once with a friend's bf and the other was with a guy at work. In both cases it turned out to be the same thing that instinctively repelled me - they both had a serious problem with women, as in disliking and having zero respect for women to an extreme. Fortunately I changed jobs, and my friend split up with the bf. Which was very lucky as he ended up getting charged with attempting to rape a woman he was on a date with.

I think that why a 'charming' person often doesn't get picked up on, is that we are socialized into being polite and kind. Most of us, even if we feel that niggle, overide it and give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes the messages we pick up are too strong, or maybe we're not as socially incorporated as other people. So the 'tells' being given off do get ignored, people do overlook the warnings, and a charming but not-so-nice-underneath person gets away with it, at least for a while.

I've taken an instant dislike to a couple of people. One is my future brother in law, unfortunately.

There's just something about him.