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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why the hell I've taken an instant dislike to this man?

83 replies

JellyDiamond · 31/07/2014 13:18

Please be gentle with me, this is my first post on AIBU!

I've been quite heavily involved in a sports team/group for the past year or so, and it's been one of the best things I've ever done. It's a great bunch of people, good mix of ages, men and women etc and I genuinely like every single one of them, or at least I did until recently. About three months ago a new man joined the team, late 30's/early 40's at a guess, perfectly affable chap and keen to muck in and help, but for whatever reason I just can't stand him!

It's not in my nature to be like this with people I hardly know, so I tried to push my feelings to one side and make an effort with him, but I just cant because every time I see him I keep getting the feeling that he's trouble. He's invaded my personal space by standing too close to me a few times which I don't like anyway, but to be honest I knew I disliked him within minutes of meeting him and that's really, really unlike me!

I know it's not possible like everyone you meet, but I feel a bit guilty about it because he's not done anything to make me dislike him and it's also starting to affect my enjoyment of the team. I just don't want to be around him, at all and I've even considered leaving because of it, which I don't want to do because I genuinely love it and the other people!

What's it all about?

OP posts:
KnackeredMuchly · 31/07/2014 15:37

I love threads like these. It's only strongly happened to me once, with a boyfriend of a distant relative. Like you OP I found him outwardly smiling and pleasant, but he got my skin up a bit. I asked my DH to hold my 4mo baby for a few mins and this man offered and took him. My whole body tensed and although I was stood right there and he was happy and chatting to me and making the baby smile I couldn't bare it and took my son back quickly.

I was talking to my sister about him and she mentioned her DH also got a creepy vibe from him. I was so glad when he split up with my distant relative as she had children.

KnackeredMuchly · 31/07/2014 15:39

I should say anyone was welcome to hold my baby, that was not the reason why I was tense!

NewtRipley · 31/07/2014 15:44

I've had lesser gut feelings about tradespeople, who have then proved to be shysters. Always trust them

Original poster
JellyDiamond · 31/07/2014 16:18

Im finding it a huge relief to see that other people have experienced the same thing. I truly expected to be ripped apart for saying I disliked someone for no reason, now all I can do is sit back, wait and watch to see if my instincts are proved to be right....

Watch this space...

OP posts:
Muddlewitch · 31/07/2014 16:35

To add a flip side to this, I felt that way about someone I met a couple of years ago, really disliked him for no particular reason for about 6 months. Even the mention of him would put me in a rage.

Then got to know him a bit better and somewhere between then and now appear to have fallen massively for him quite like him now.

Both sets of feelings have shocked me!

WorraLiberty · 31/07/2014 16:54

Is it just me who feels sorry for this guy then?

He's joined the team and you've taken an instant dislike to him for no valid reason - fair enough you can't really help that.

now all I can do is sit back, wait and watch to see if my instincts are proved to be right....

No actually that's not 'all' you can do. Why not make a special effort to be more tolerant/welcoming, since he's supposed to be part of the team?

GatoradeMeBitch · 31/07/2014 17:13

Why feel sorry for him? It's not like we are discussing this in front of him! And the OP has stated herself that she intends to continue being polite to him.

GatoradeMeBitch · 31/07/2014 17:18

Also, the Op says he gives her the creeps, and she has given examples. I don't think it's helpful to tell her to ignore her instincts and spend more time with him. It's predictable though, because this is what women are told all the time. It can't be him, it must be her. It's up to her to set her instincts aside and make an effort with him. Why?! Anyway, it sounds like everyone else there likes him. I'm sure he'll survive without her friendship.

WorraLiberty · 31/07/2014 17:23

I didn't tell her to ignore her instincts or spend more time with him and nor did I say 'it can't be him, it must be her' Hmm

I'm pointing out that 'watching and waiting' is not the only thing she can do.

This is a team member, I don't care what gender this person is, I just think the OP should try something other than watching and waiting...

lettertoherms · 31/07/2014 17:24

Trust your instincts.

And no, I don't feel bad for him at all. What's the worse that happens by the OP being polite but keeping her distant? She's not going around to the rest of the group and telling them he's a creep. No one is being harmed, and in the chance her instincts are correct, OP is keeping herself safe.

lettertoherms · 31/07/2014 17:25

*her distance, of course

TattyDevine · 31/07/2014 17:30

Its a strange thing. I too generally get along with everyone, even people other people find annoying.

Many years ago at work I felt a wall come up with a colleague who just felt oily and yucky, and he didn't display any characteristics that reminded me of anyone, though he did have some slightly annoying characteristics and would ask me to frank mail for him that was obviously personal and that annoyed me, and I wouldn't do it, though that wasn't the thing that put my back up originally, it was something however that I wasn't supposed to do as someone who knew the code to the franking machine.

He never "did" anything to anyone, and he didn't last long, but there was just something about him. Probably a perfectly nice guy (albeit who didn't mind stealing postage though I think lots of people do that from time to time and it means nothing much about their character - its usually more convenience than trying to save however many pence it is for a stamp) but I just felt my skin crawl and my teeth itch when he was in the vicinity even if I hadn't heard his voice.

Strange!

Salmotrutta · 31/07/2014 17:33

I've taken instant dislikes to people before but it's usually based on me finding them thoroughly irritating despite everyone else finding them charming and polite etc.

But I'm a right intolerant old beggar.

Original poster
JellyDiamond · 31/07/2014 17:35

WorraLiberty the team is very welcoming to newbies, it's one of the things I like best about them. New people are joining all of the time and I don't have an issue with any of them it's not a cliquey thing at all, if that's what you are trying to get at?

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 31/07/2014 17:35

Yes, I have encountered people who I can't abide who haven't actually "done" anything.

I just don't like them.

MyPrettyToes · 31/07/2014 17:39

Jelly YANBU. I have had this on a number of occasions from mild to extreme and the times I have ignored my instincts I have regretted it. Don't ignore, your instincts are there for a reason.

I can think of three times I didn't ignore it and I was proved right.

  1. An acquaintance was desperate to set me up with the buddy of a man who she wanted to date. He told her he would only date her if I would go out with his friend. I had met this man on a couple of occasions and I hated him. He was a beautiful man aesthetically but he made me want to run away every time I met him. I kept saying no to going out with him. Turns out this man they wanted to set me up with had done a stint in prison for rape. I don't know whether or not she knew this but I stopped speaking to her not long after as she did not like that I fraternised with white people. Yes, She did not believe that white and black people could be friends. She was mixed race. Funnily enough I didn't like her when I first met her, I thought her head was way up her backside.
  1. Got a call a few weeks back, number I didn't recognise. I didn't answer as I got that feeling. Caller left a message and it was a lady I hardly knew who wanted to chat. Last time I saw/spoke to her was two years ago. Mutual friend later tells me she is canvassing people with money to finance her new venture. She is known for this. She doesn't understand boundaries and is a bit of stalker. I have blocked her on all fronts.
  1. The best friend of a relative. I occasionally bump into him at family functions and I have met his lovely wife and children. From the off I was uneasy about him, I hate the way he looks at me, and he spends far more time trying to engage me in conversation than is necessary. This feeling of unease in his company has never gone away and I decided to tell my husband. He has very understanding and said he noticed that this man was too focused on me at functions. DH agreed never to invite this man to our house. Out of the blue (last year) this man called me and offered me tuition in a sport that I have a special interest in. The offer included a stay at his house on a weekend I subsequently found out his wife was was away. Funny thing is my husband and three members of his family are experts at this sport and if anyone will tutor me it will be one of them. This man knows this. He still tries to get in contact but I don't respond. It is a difficult one as he hasn't done anything bad/obvious and I don't think he is dangerous. However, I do think if I were alone with him he would try it on.
WorraLiberty · 31/07/2014 17:40

No I'm not trying to get at it being cliquey.

now all I can do is sit back, wait and watch to see if my instincts are proved to be right....

I just find that ^^ a bit I don't know...final? Closed minded?

I read it almost as though you're going to sit back and fold your arms, rather than try to get along with him.

Apologies if I've misinterpreted it though.

VanitasVanitatum · 31/07/2014 17:40

This has happened to me a couple of times and there has been absolutely nothing wrong with the person, I just didn't like them. Please don't jump to conclusions about this guy.

Staywithme · 31/07/2014 17:41

I have those feelings towards a neighbour from the first day I met him. There's just something off about him. I don't get on with this neighbour or his wife as they're generally horrible people, but it's something deeper than that. He's just creepy and I now know a couple of other people feel the same about him. I would trust your feelings as I've found mine are usually right.

MrsCosmopilite · 31/07/2014 17:41

I've had this with people - not very often.
I remember many years ago when I used to commute from London. There was a guy who got my train some evenings (at a certain time), and he used to creep me out. I never spoke to him, but one time I sat near him. The only thing I can tell you about him is that he had sandy coloured hair and that his eyes seemed cold and dead. I used to feel physically sick if I had to sit anywhere near him and in the end switched to getting a different time train.

Original poster
JellyDiamond · 31/07/2014 17:48

Wow MyPrettyToes that's really interesting.

WorraLiberty I doubt this man knows I dislike him, I'm always polite and civil to him at all time but at the same time I can't shake the feeling that there is something not right.

OP posts:
MrsBoldon · 31/07/2014 18:32

I'm going to go against the grain.

I work in MH and hear about 'instinct' all the time and it's often really, really wrong. I see so many people who have an 'Instinct' about something and it's actually related to anxiety or paranoia or something else. I'm not saying this is happening with the OP but it's far more likely that it's that he reminds you of someone whether you realise it or not - it's called transference.

EVERYONE has an example of when their 'instinct' was right. I do - was seriously assaulted by a service user last year and had a bad feeling on the way there. But I knew enough about cognitive bias to know that I'd had 'bad feelings' on numerous occasions but when it was all fine, I'd forgotten it.

Thousands of people think 'ooh, I've got a feeling I'll win the lottery this week' or 'if I get on this plane it will crash'. We only hear about the one's who were right!.

And I worked with serious offenders for a few years, including child abusers. None of them gave anyone an 'instinct' which wasn't directly related to an action or something they'd said. Otherwise, they wouldn't have been able to offend, because everyone would have 'known' and given them a wide berth.

Risk assess on facts - actions, words, etc but don't base it on ' a feeling' because it's often unreliable.

KnackeredMuchly · 31/07/2014 18:56

Hmm, I think 'feeling' something out of the blue might happen is different to getting a feeling after meeting somwone.

I agree it is not wise to act on it, but I would not ignore it. I can think of many bad people I have met in my life and I had no instinct.

flyingtrue · 31/07/2014 19:09

Agreeing with MrsBoldon. It could be that you've picked up on something you don't like about him as a person without realising OP or it could really be anything. Some peoples facial symmetry makes them unconsciously more trustworthy or untrustworthy. It doesn't mean that they are, it's just how you perceive them even if you don't know why.

Usually I find it's the 'charmers' you have to watch out for, their charm hides a multitude of sins.

matildasquareded · 31/07/2014 20:19

I agree that it may or may not mean anything.

However, it highlights the fact that you don't owe anyone your friendship or regard.

You owe him bare civility, sure. Collegiality. (Not if he keeps up with the space invading, though.)

But you certainly don't owe him your friendship, time, care. You certainly aren't obligated to spend extra time/effort on him because of your instinctive dislike, for pete's sake!

You're allowed to just not care for certain people, without having to justify that.