To wonder why the hell I've taken an instant dislike to this man?

[JellyDiamond]

Please be gentle with me, this is my first post on AIBU!

I've been quite heavily involved in a sports team/group for the past year or so, and it's been one of the best things I've ever done. It's a great bunch of people, good mix of ages, men and women etc and I genuinely like every single one of them, or at least I did until recently. About three months ago a new man joined the team, late 30's/early 40's at a guess, perfectly affable chap and keen to muck in and help, but for whatever reason I just can't stand him!

It's not in my nature to be like this with people I hardly know, so I tried to push my feelings to one side and make an effort with him, but I just cant because every time I see him I keep getting the feeling that he's trouble. He's invaded my personal space by standing too close to me a few times which I don't like anyway, but to be honest I knew I disliked him within minutes of meeting him and that's really, really unlike me!

I know it's not possible like everyone you meet, but I feel a bit guilty about it because he's not done anything to make me dislike him and it's also starting to affect my enjoyment of the team. I just don't want to be around him, at all and I've even considered leaving because of it, which I don't want to do because I genuinely love it and the other people!

What's it all about?

You fancy him,don't you.

Oh, stop it you.

PiperRose Christ no! I feel a bit queasy at the thought.

I have just had this exact same thing at work. Totally tipped my world upside down. Any tips on how to get back on track? In my case man in question has "resigned". I knew from start he was trouble. As my friend would say "he gives me the willies"

Oh I'm new here. Thought I was replying to Newtripleys post. I had same issue as they did with sexual harassment.

JellyDiamond you NEEEED to read "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell. Especially the OJ Simpson trial bit.
Your "instincts" or super slicing as I think Gladwell calls it, are probably not wrong.

MrsBoldon, that's an interesting post. However the research by Gladwell, Gottman et al seems to demonstrate that the more you're exposed to something the less likely you are to quickly notice/judge on it. A kind of snow blindness.

Dh used to have a friend they were into gaming and I never liked him much but we got friendly went out with him and his wife who was lovely. anyway they seperated he had an affair
. But when he moved into the flat he used to phone the house when he knew dh was working he would say oh im in the bath or just out of the bath

im so dim it took me weeks to realisehe was being sleazy I had to get dh to tell him not to phone they stopped hangingabout after that.

if you takeca dislike to somebody its for a reason usually.

Sabp

Hi. Sadly I can't help. The man in question stayed in post for a while longer (although I heard through the grapevine he left not that long after), whilst I left on Maternoty leave and did not go back. It's tough. It obsessed me for a while and I doubted myself.

It's sometimes so busy on MN that by the time you've written your post, someone else's has got in before you, so put the person's name at the top.

I was going to suggest Gladwell's book as well. Intriguing.

I've just read a couple of reviews of Gladwells book on Amazon.

I was about to recommend The Gift Of Fear by Gavin de Becker - a fascinating and very useful guide to why listening to your instincts is important.

Many years ago, I had a similar instant dislike to a new work colleague. It was very strong, and happened as soon as he first walked into the room. I told myself I was being ridiculous, so I was extra nice to him. Stupidly, I was so nice to him that I even went out with him a few times (not sure how I could be so stupid as to have been weasled into that) despite having had dreams that he attacked me. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he raped me and then stalked me for a long time afterwards.

Not saying anything bad will happen to you, obviously, but j do think you should listen to your instincts, and that the advice Worra has given you is Very Bad Indeed.

I was going to recommend The Gift of Fear. I think these kinds of feelings are important. And I don't think that you should try to push yourself to get over them, just be polite and civil towards him of course. There's no rule which says you have to be over friendly to everyone.

OP, I agree with the YANBUs. Remain polite to this person, do not allow them any further closeness. That is probably your best bet.

I have experienced this. I was working in a small team and this one bloke joined. He was full of charm and charisma and everyone loved him, aside from me. I had that sort of bad shuddery sensation that you describe.

I soon found if I disagreed with him in a meeting he would try to catch me afterwards. He would try to take one of my hands and say that he totally agreed except I'd made a little mistake on one point. He'd also tell me how clever and pretty I was [WTF, I'm not thick but that's about it. Anyone describing me as pretty needs an eye exam stat].

The final straw was when I was sitting round the corner from him and he didn't know I was there. He described me to a mate in terms of absolute contempt, I'm actually too ashamed to put what he said. I stood up and walked round and said "That's very interesting, Davie". He tried to say something and then said nothing, I walked away. As I did I heard "Never knew the bitch was there"....

My answerphone was flooded with "I am soooo ashamed of myself, Shockingly please call me back, I really have loads of respect for you, I was just having a terrible day...." Yeah right, my initial response was correct. I was polite to him afterwards, careful of not being alone with him, and trusted him about as much as, well, I did not trust him at all. He left after a while.

Feelings sometimes occur for a reason.

I agree with MrsBoldon actually. Sounds like anxiety if he's done nothing.

Instincts are very rarely initially correct. But they can become self fulfilling prophecies.

I got anxiety attacks when I first met my husband and he has been nothing but kind, gentle, and respectful of my no's. They eventually went away, and we've been together very happily for 8 years.

My friend at the time didn't like DH for whatever reason. Said he was trying to push him out, and then ended up being a jerk to us, pushed himself out and claimed he was right all along. So how you feel about a person will reflect how you treat them, and people often have a habit of living up to the expectations you set down for them, good or bad. (obviously this excludes criminal activity/intent)

In any case, contrary to popular opinion, it is ok to dislike someone. You don't have to like everyone you come across. It's good to be polite and cordial, but you don't have to give everyone a chance if you don't want to. There's plenty of people I don't like and I just don't hang around them.

Great stories. I have heard it said that people tell you what they are like without even opening their mouth. I think you are correct to keep someone at arm's length if they make you uncomfortable. It could be as simple as - two people who just don't "match" (the pheromones/chemistry point made earlier was interesting). Or it could be something more sinister.

I try to trust my instinct now, having ignored it in my teens/twenties at my peril.

A family friend has three kids and their neighbours son (he was about three or four) used to play with her kids. I never liked this boy. I found it impossible to like him. My first instinct was he was evil. Obviously I felt bad about that. I mentioned it to my mum and she felt the same. Later I heard that he was now banned from coming round as he'd punched our friends daughter in the face (three year old girl). His parents had to take him out of nursery as he was doing the same there.

I worry by what people mean by 'instinct'.

I'm not saying this is the case for the OP, but I think people are too quick to judge another merely upon 'instinct', this may mean they have an odd face, or are unfriendly etc.

None of this is based upon reason at all. It's all too easy to try to justify an opinion by saying it was 'instinct', rather than trying to explain properly.

Hopefully juries do not use this 'instinct' when passing judgement.

Shockinglybadteacher

Really similar for me: everyone else charmed, me repulsed, him then saying something revolting about me and later questionign my work.

It was avery strong feeling about him from the off.

I have terrible instincts. I quite often take a dislike of people and I am always wrong. Literally - always. On the odd occasion where I instantly really like someone I am frequently wrong too. So I'm not convinced by the "trust your instincts" pov on something as spurious as an initial meeting.

Newt that was it entirely.

I almost never take a strong dislike to people. I like people. This was one of the few exceptions in my life, and I think it was justified.

I've occasionally disliked people I've met and later got to know them and liked them, but this bloke was different. It wasn't normal dislike "Person X can be really annoying!" or something. It was like a visceral thing, hairs on the back of the neck. If I had to put it in words "I do not trust this person at all and he is not safe".

There's something in him that you subconsciously feel is in you. It's a part of you you don't like. That's why you hate him.

Definitely read The Gift of Fear by Gavin Becker, it's well-researched, interesting and an extremely quick and easy read - i think I read it in about 4 days because it's so well-written that you just keep going. He explains how what we call "gut instinct" is simply your sub-conscious brain making the connections quicker than your conscious brain can - so your instincts look as though they're based on nothing, but they are actually based on a whole range of things which you just haven't consciously noticed yet.

But you have noticed something haven't you? He's a fucking space invader. There's actually no excuse for that. Unless a man is on the autistic spectrum or has some other condition that affects his social skills, then actually, he is perfectly aware of how much space human beings need to give each other to be comfortable in the same space as each other. And indeed, most men who have something like Aspergers and have been diagnosed, are even more careful than the average man, not to cross boundaries because they are consciously thinking about them as they have to work a bit harder on being aware of them than the average.

Don't feel you have to make allowances. You don't. Also, you have a very very very good reason for not liking him - he invades your space, he has no respect for your physical boundaries and that is an absolutely good reason enough to decide you don't care for him. Next time you're with him, observe whether he invades other people's space as well and if so, if it's just that of the women.

Trust your instincts. They are there for a purpose, and go way back in the gene pool, long before we tried to defeat them with reasoned, civilised, analytical logic.

If someone makes your skin crawl, or the hackles rise on the back of your neck, then your instincts are telling you something, and you should keep a polite distance (instead of running away as fast as you can in the opposite direction, which is what our distant ancestors would have done)!

When I was 14 I was at the bus stop with my mum and we were chatting and a man walked past and looked at us for a second as he did. I turned to my mum and said "I hate that man, there is something about him that made me feel sick". Something I would never usually say or feel about anybody, but honestly I felt a pit in my stomach and my blood ran cold and I got goosebumps.

My mum said to me "do you know who that is?" and I said no I had never seen him before. My mum when we got home went on to tell me she knew him, he married a distant relative and had beaten her so badly she was on hospital for weeks and done countless other horrific things to her.

Trust your instincts.

I think that there's a difference between an 'instinctive feeling' when not in a situation (e.g. I'm going to win the lottery, I just know it) and having an adverse reaction to a person you see. Aside from MH considerations (which I would say are a completely different ballgame), most people learn and react to a huge number of 'tells' and other verbal and non-verbal signals.

People who do sales, and some serious gamblers/card players, actually study how body language gives off thousands of tiny messages all the time, and how to read them. Also, sometimes people use language in a certain way (eg. the smarmy guy who is always so polite about 'the ladies' but you just don't want him near you).

You've given a few definite examples, and I suspect that there are others that you just haven't consciously picked up, but are niggling away in the background.

It may be called instinct, or good observation, but you don't have to like this guy.