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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell a friend she is a sociopath and I don't have time for her and the drama she brings

34 replies

suziepra · 31/07/2014 11:13

Hi,

My friend is a sociopath and has been a lot of fun in the past but now we live in different cities so whenever we see each other it is for a couple of days and I just find it too much.

She does and says exactly what she wants to without any regard to anyone else. She said the other day that I looked really bad and had aged a lot recently. I ignored her text. Then she asked to come stay with me and I said only if you are well behaved. She now says I'm bulling her, made a comment that I was socially inept and no fun anymore.

She seriously doesn't even understand what she's doing is offensive. She started ripping apart my family and the minor tif I was having and staying how messed up my family is. My family are all in good relationships and hers her parents speperated recently and her dad has a long Thai woman now, her sister is pregnant with her cheating husbands kid, but I wouldn't dare call her family messed up to her face as I have compassion.

Should I just cut her out? Everything she is she doesn't see and just blames on me.

OP posts:

Original poster

suziepra · 31/07/2014 11:14

*A younger Thai woman

On mobile

OP posts:

backwardpossom · 31/07/2014 11:15

Do you need her in your life? I suspect the answer is no, so go ahead and cut her out. Life is too short to be made miserable by supposed friends.

Original poster

suziepra · 31/07/2014 11:25

I don't need her in my life, but I do love her, but seeing her for long periods rather than just the odd night makes our time together no fun. I dread her coming up for the weekend.

Last time she came up, I was broke and doing up my house but she begged to come and stay then when she got back home sent said my house and cooking had made her Ill. No thank you for all the effort I had gone to to put her up and I had to rearrange a lot of stuff.

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choochootrain1 · 31/07/2014 11:30

You don't really sound like you are friends tbh, you sound like your both drawing out a relationship which has had it's day. You could fall out - and end the relationship that way, or just accept that some things are for seasons of our lives and go seperate ways without bothering to do the big falling out (and still send Xmas cards)

SlicedAndDiced · 31/07/2014 11:32

It's pretty pointless to love a sociopath.

She doesn't love you back, your just a thing to pick up when she gets a bit bored.

You probably won't get much more out of e relationship op

AnotherGirlsParadise · 31/07/2014 11:34

My friend is a sociopath

She seriously doesn't even understand what she's doing is offensive.

If she actually IS a sociopath, then it's not a question of her understanding: in reality, she doesn't care if she's offensive. Everything centres around her, and that's not going to change.

What you have to work out is how much you're willing to put up with from this woman. If you're happy to let her treat you like shit because you value her 'friendship', then you'll have to suck it up. But really, I believe you have a great deal more self respect than this. Don't let her dictate to you anymore - set clear boundaries. If she wants to visit, she can find a hotel. If she wants feeding, she can eat out. Make it on YOUR terms.

AnotherGirlsParadise · 31/07/2014 11:36

It's pretty pointless to love a sociopath.

She doesn't love you back, your just a thing to pick up when she gets a bit bored.

Boom. Nail on the head.

Original poster

suziepra · 31/07/2014 12:20

I think she does love me back, when it suits her.

She's not a off the scale sociopath, but pretty high

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SlicedAndDiced · 31/07/2014 12:24

No op.

Sorry but I do completely understand sociopaths (diagnosed last year).

She may say the right things, even be kind at times, and you may feel she loves you....

But if she is in anyway shape or form a sociopath then she just cannot love you. You are just useful to her in some way from time to time.

And anything she does or says is just a game. If she did something nice for you it is because she got something out of it or it amused her.

I would take a real close look at why you think you love her.

Gruntfuttock · 31/07/2014 12:28

SlicedAndDiced Who was diagnosed last year? You?

Vitalstatistix · 31/07/2014 12:30

Is she a diagnosed sociopath or have you been reading online checklists?

If she actually IS a sociopath then lack of conscience and empathy is a real problem.

why do you love her?

SlicedAndDiced · 31/07/2014 12:31

Yes Grunt.

AnotherGirlsParadise · 31/07/2014 12:34

She may not be a full on sociopath, it could easily be a Cluster B personality disorder (borderline or narcissistic, maybe). Or she might just be a selfish dick - people have a tendency to pathologise behaviour or characteristics they don't like, in order to excuse that person somehow and make it okay.

HavanaSlife · 31/07/2014 12:39

Everything that sliced said, if she is a sociopath she doesnt love or care about you. She is incapable of those emotions , its all about what she gets out of the friendship

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 31/07/2014 12:40

She asked to come and stay, you said if she behaves herself, she said that is bullying.

She clearly doesn't respect any boundaries you set. As others have said, if she wants to visit you she can find a nearby hotel amd take you out for a meal. Or at least don't do a thing to prepare and expect her to make up her own bed and cook the meals and clean up after herself!

Or is it that you want to visit her and you like to stay at hers, and that comes with the expectation that you will return the favour?

Original poster

suziepra · 31/07/2014 12:46

Sorry yes its just me self diagnosing this disorder using quizes. Want to suggest she has CBT.

The other day I was unwell, due to food poisoning, and the first thing she said was 'I hope you don't make me ill. If you make me ill I won't be able to go to work and I don't get paid'

She showed no concern for me at all. That is pretty cut and dry sociopath right?

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AnotherGirlsParadise · 31/07/2014 12:49

There's nothing cut and dry about sociopathy, especially if you rely on internet quizzes. She needs a proper diagnosis, but unfortunately many sociopaths/personality disordered people lack the necessary self awareness to go and get treatment - they believe everyone else is the problem, not them.

Original poster

suziepra · 31/07/2014 12:50

Fish good god no I don't want to stay with her. She begged me to stay with her then cancelled twice, then on the day I went up to see her she left me waiting in my car after a three hour drive outside her place because she decided she wanted to go for a swim after work. Then when I stayed with her she was supper difficult, complained that I woke her up in the morning, said I was abnormal for the amount I sweated, demanded I put all my stuff exactly where she wanted it in her place. Despite her putting her stuff exactly where she wanted at my placed and ignored my request to use the draw I cleared for her and took over the dinning table.

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Original poster

suziepra · 31/07/2014 13:10

believe everyone else is the problem, not them.

I think that's the case here. Sorry yes I know its not cut and dry, but difficult to know if she's just very selfish or has a disorder. There is an issue somewhere.

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YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 31/07/2014 13:31

Well you can't diagnose her, am sure you realise that, really. You might be able to consider that you yourself get out of the relationship and that can tell you a lot about yourself and your own needs or even flaws or issues. (Don't get me wrong, i am not saying there is enough to go on here, just that you get a lot further with counselling whwn engaging with it yourself than getting someone else to do it. Surprisingly, either party getting counselling can improve the relationship as they change how they relate to people and make different choices. Sometimes that does mean the end of some relationships, as that can be seen as an improvement!

Does it make any difference whether she is a sociopath or not? She's using you, doesn't take your needs or desires into consideration and igmores your boundaries. I wouldn't describe this as a friendship.

grocklebox · 31/07/2014 13:35

If you don't like her, don't see her. But quit the armchair psychology, its pretty fucking offensive, not to mention you haven't actually got a clue.

Maybe she's not the only one with ishoos.

AMumInScotland · 31/07/2014 13:38

Does it matter if she is a sociopath?

She isn't treating you the way a friend would. You are entitled to decide on your boundaries for this relationship, whether that is not having her to stay, just seeing her for a drink, or not seeing her at all any more.

Whether or not her behaviour can be neatly wrapped up and labelled doesn't make any difference to that.

Original poster

suziepra · 31/07/2014 13:42

Thanks fishes, well I thought it mattered if she was or not but thinking about it it really doesn't. It would be a shame to say goodbye due to the fun times we've had but I can't continue on like this.

I know its armchair stuff, that's why I'm on here getting others advice.

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Original poster

suziepra · 31/07/2014 13:43

Should I try to get her to change is really my main question. Or accept she's like that nothing will change?

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YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 31/07/2014 13:51

I think you have to accept that you can't change her. All you can do is only agree with what you are happy with. Like with a lot of friendships, it doesn't work (for you) when you're under the same roof, so don't do that. Find another way to meet up by meeting half way or staying in B&Bs or a travelodge etc. Or just keep in touch online and make new friends.

If it would be the end of the friendship to say you don't want her to stay at your place then invest your energy finding new friends near where you live!

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