To ask DP to forgive me for DS's birth?

[CulturalBear]

Have posted a few times about moderately crap DS birth.

Nutshell - waters broke, on drip 40 hours later, needed forceps/episiotomy, later abandoned on recovery ward (with naked baby) by hospital staff and DP for 4-5hours. DS largely fine, I was largely fine.

A year and a bit on, and it still bothers me.

Someone IRL recently told me the usual 'all that matters' is that DS is fine and I need to let it go - and asked what I needed to do that.

It occurred to me around DS's first birthday that I need DP to forgive me. He has never given me any praise or credit around the birth or year since - never said well done or that he's proud of me, or that I'm a good mum or even thank you for the things I do - all normal things a dad might say to his partner.

He is basically Spock when it comes to feelings - he logics the shit out of them so they don't trouble him.

But I believe that him not saying these things implies he feels ashamed of me. I think that if I could get him to express forgiveness for screwing up or letting him/DS down, then I might be able to let go this over-riding sense of failure I've had since.

For the record, I 100% do not judge the way that anyone else gives birth - it's bloody hard work and requires a huge amount of effort however it happens - I just wish I, personally, had done better. I have never been given a reason for needing the interventions other than 'he was a bit stuck'.

Ideally DS would tell me he forgives me - but I'm not sure I could wait 18+ years!

Would I be unreasonable to ask DP to forgive me? If not, how do I go about it?

I may be interpreting his comment "sometimes shit happens" wrong, but I read it as, it's not your fault - sometimes shit does happen, you just have to go with it. It's nothing that you did or didn't do!

I know what you mean about people being threatened with forceps, but I honestly couldn't have done it without them. I remember the force of the doctor pulling, they braced and really yanked (sorry for tmi) there is no way I could have recreated that force at that point myself, let alone moved ds into the correct position for it to be effective.

It sounds like the hospital cocked up massively in the lack of care you were given - have you considered asking them for an apology? They were responsible for you and your baby, and they failed, and as such you are trying to take on the responsibly for that.

Please talk to someone, I know this is words on a screen, I wish I could hug you!

It isn't your fault that you needed intervention.

It also isn't your fault that you were left on your own like that. I do hope that you made a complaint to the hospital.

You did your best. I'm surprised that in a year, he's not told you he's proud etc of you. It's a shame that so many women have such horrendous experiences of labour, and having experienced such trauma like you did - it's going to take you some time to get over it.

The first thing that I'd do is stop watching OBEM and reading labour threads.

Can you look at some positives from having your baby boy? Think about holding him for the first time and feeding him, how sweet his little nipples were etc?

I would suggest counselling or speaking to other parents who have had intervention? I think that you also need to tell your DP that you feel that you let him down because you couldn't have a normal vaginal birth and let him know that even a year on. He should then give you all of the reassurance that I can't from a computer screen - and hopefully lots of cuddles too.

It wasn't your fault - it could have happened to any of us.

How could you have tried harder do you think if youbhad pushed that bit more it would have helped I had intervention with under 5lb babies it just the way it was as I said earlier the hospital staff left you to manage I can imagine that would leave any woman feeling scared and vulnerable. you did nothing wrong your body didnt let you down you were in labour for bloody days you do not need forgiveness. Just because we are equipped to have babies doesnt mean we can just plop them out.

Your post really resonates with me.

I have had all the same feelings of letting people down, 'failing' etc at the birth of my DD.

I have recently started counselling (NHS funded) for this. Turns out I have PTSD and it's only now that I realise these feelings and thoughts aren't normal.

Obviously you need to talk to your DH. Of course you don't need to be forgiven anything! But if also suggest an honest discussion with your GP. Mine was wonderful and I honestly don't regret it at all. I also don't think I could have faced another birth (hypothetically only at the moment) without the treatment I am having now.

Please take care of yourself. I hope you can find the help you need.

Oh love, please stop thinking that you "didn't try hard enough" .

Giving birth is bloody difficult sometimes. You allowed intervention when intervention was needed - that will have been the very best thing for your baby. You delivered a lovely, healthy, little boy and you (and your DH) should be very proud of that.

When bad things happen in childbirth, it is never because the mother didn't try hard enough.

Of course you have no need to apologise to DH for anything - but do you think you are hoping that by doing so, he will also apologise to you?

Do you think that actually you need an apology from him?

Adding to what everyone else has said:

I had a dreadful first birth. Really awful. My care was great but my birth was just shitty and I felt dreadful and guilty afterwards.

And now, 13 on years onwards, I have a different take on it. I didn't fail anything. OK, I asked for intervention when I was in pain and yes that is possibly why everything went pear-shaped but ultimately, you know, it just was awful. Birth quite often is. But on the other hand my glorious daughter shows absolutely no signs of the trauma of her birth. She is just as unscathed as her sister, born in a pool in my front room two years later.

Your DH doesn't need to forgive you for anything. and neither does your son.

You aren't the problem, your "D"H is.

From that, if anyone needs forgiving, it is you to him.

I get that he doesn't see the point in talking about it - but you are just as important as he is, and your needs and wishes matter just as much.

It has occurred to me I may have PND. But I don't have time to get to the doctors (working full-time - already missing lots of days because DS keeps getting nursery bugs) and I really don't think there's anything that can be done to help. I have a friend with actual PND who is on ADs - and that's not an option for me at all.

I feel responsible because of various things, including comments by HCPs, but added to that is every time DS is hot, or upset, the forceps mark on his face (that only really faded around 7 months) comes back. It's a big reminder that because of a failing on my part - my body, my mind, my genes, whatever - he was dragged out of me. In my mind, I didn't give birth - he was delivered.

Rationally, I know there's not much I could have done - but no-one can absolve me of the suspicion that maybe I could have. And I am incredibly grateful that he's fine (apart from the marks) - especially when so many other people have a really shit time.

First thing first.
maybe I wasn't trying hard enough [to deliver my baby]
No no and no! It here us little you can do in that one. You couldn't have tried harder. If your baby was stuck, he was. And if there is no reason about it in the notes, it's the hospital who hasn't done it's job properly. Everything is suppose to be recorded, esp essential stuff such as 'the baby was stick because...'

Then your DH was tired and needed to go to sleep so ... Your DH leaves you on your own with your ds still naked? He didn't try and propose to dress him himself or at least to give you the bag so you could dress him and get dressed too?
But somehow you want him to forgive you? For what? Not having had a natural birth that you couldn't avoid? That he was tired after the birth even though clearly you would have been even more tired? To have put him through an emotional roller coster and he struggled with?

I think you need to talk through what has happened but maybe this time with a counsellor. You seem to be feeling guilty that things didn't go to plan even though there was nothing you could have done 'better'.

((Hugs))
And that's what your DH should be doing too. Giving you a lot of hugs and a lot of support.

Xpost

After your last post, I'm even more convinced you need to see a counsellor. There is NOTHING wrong with you and you didn't fail because you had an assisted delivery.

What sort if things did the HCP say to you? some of them are just twats

This thread is very very sad, I really feel for you OP. Please ask for help, I appreciate you are sceptical about whether it would help but I think you need counselling to start seeing yourself in a more positive light. You did nothing wrong, no one can control their body or the birth of their child but I think you need someone to help you understand that and work through your feelings.

And btw, if so many months later, you are still feeling so crap about the birth, the you DID have a really crap birth.
Don't minimise what you have gone through and the effects it had on you.

DP isn't open to discussing anything where he feels criticised. He doesn't even apologise when he stands on my foot, for example, he says 'well you shouldn't get in the way'

I realise this makes him sound like a c-bomb but he does have positive features, honest. He's an excellent dad (now!) and we have a lot of fun together (when we get the chance). It may be that he's aware that he stuffed up and is ashamed of himself. I'll never know.

I've asked him about how he felt around the birth a number of times - the most I've ever got was 'I don't understand why it took them so long' to decide on intervention. I had been pushing for 45 minutes officially, another 40 unofficially prior. He is also annoyed that the induction was delayed so long. But that's as far as he'll discuss it.

You poor thing. You don’t need forgiveness from your DP, there is absolutely nothing to forgive for!

Your aftercare sounds awful too.

I had an EMCS after a 16 hour labour and only getting to 7cm dilated. My DS was back to back (though nobody told me that, I just thought I wasn’t coping with the pain and was pathetic!), the epidural I asked for didn’t work (sited wrong I think) and then DS started getting distressed.
There literally wasn’t anything I could have done differently. There was nothing you could have done either!
(Maybe I could have made DS move to a better position in the womb but nobody told me he was the wrong way round!!).

Is your DH like this about everything or just this issue? Does he muck in with childcare, does he take time off work to look after your sick child? How was he during paternity leave and before you went back to work? If you are shouldering all the responsibility of looking after your child and the home, then I would take a step back and think about how healthy your relationship is. I am just wodnering why he would put himself first before his newborn by disappearing to sleep rather than making sure someone came in and helped you, or god forbid he actually got the baby get dressed and warm himself. My father is spock too, but even he knows how to be compassionate and put others first from time-to-time.

My DH was absolutely useless during my first birth, I tore badly and also had a haemorrhage. DH couldnt cope at all and acted totally out of character. But he is not like that in other situations and I accept and forgive him that instead of being supportive he was actually a hindrance and made things worse.

I think you have potentially 2 problems here, you seem to think of yourself as some kind of failure for not having a textbook birth and possibly a problem with communications and expectations in your relationship?

I think you have lost perspective because the birth didn't go as planned. There is nothing to forgive . Your DS won't be bothered. I would rather my mother had a pleasant birth,but it is all in the past and doesn't matter to me!

Leave the past- the here and now is the important.

Oh, bless you. Please listen to what we are saying. You did give birth. In a really stressful and traumatic way. It's not your fault the hcps didn't record the details in your notes. They were obviously worried enough to use the forceps - as I said above, it is life threatening for to for baby to be stuck (for both you and baby). God, in no way have you failed. Having said that I do know how you feel in a way. Although I don't feel guilty for having c sections with my dc I did feel a little cross with myself as though my body let me down, as though I'm too weak. It didn't help that I was unable to breastfeed as wasn't producing enough milk and developed infections in my boobs. I felt like a complete failure. But part of that was hormones and tiredness and as time went on I realised that it's not my fault. My body did a wonderful thing. It made two amazing babies and delivered them safely and soundly and I have, and always will, do the best I can for them.

Many, many women need assistance with their births. And to be left alone for that amount of time with a naked baby, unable to reach anything is absolutely disgusting. You have done well not to be fuming with rage. I would be.

I want you to feel proud about the amazing thing your body has achieved and how well you coped having been left in such a shit situation after an already traumatic experience. I want you to look at your ds and think "I made you".

Please be kind to yourself.

As the mother of sons I can tell you they have never asked about their births and their eyes would glaze over if I tried to tell them!
Be kind to yourself.

The consultant in theatre said let's see how well you can push to see if we can just use ventouse, straight after I'd been given a spinal and had zero sensation. I guessed at a push (without feeling it, was very difficult to direct it). And he tutted and said 'well that's not going to be good enough, it'll have to be forceps'.

You were very unfortunate but it is gone now- you can't change it. Being a good mother is a lot more than physically giving birth.

Can I just say, I'm overwhelmed by your kindness everyone.

You're right - it wasn't my fault - but I can't shake the feeling that it was. I would love it if DP stepped up and told me something - anything - nice about what happened or the time since.

He's upped his game a lot - especially since I went back to work, and we are working together much better as a team now. Eg every evening, one of us will cook (usually him) while the other gets DS bathed and ready for bed. He now allows DS to co-sleep with us (I think he actually secretly likes it) if he is unsettled in the night, too.

But the first few months were shit - I think my anger towards him was ill-concealed by hormones and tiredness, and that created a hundred more problems.

I have very little confidence in my GP surgery - the (female) one I saw at my 8-week check was very dismissive of my feelings (physical and otherwise) and said it takes a year to get over childbirth. The really good one recently left to form a new practice too far away for me to reach - the rest are - or seem to be - non-permanent locums. I am considering switching but this one came recommended.