This isn't right is it?

[Cerealchanger]

So I've been with DP for 13 years and we have two children, DS(5) and DD(3)

DP is self employed and his hobby is also his job. I can't be too specific but it's something like being a golf instructor and still playing golf as a hobby. It involves working most weekends which is not ideal but I accept as it's his job. For the record though, the business is doing very well and we're not exactly on the breadline (which is relevant I think.)

So over the course of a year he spends four weekends with me and the kids. We go away for October and February half terms, so that is a total of 18 days spent as a family per year. He takes a day off during the week which he spends with DD while I'm at work.

I really struggle with this as I'm on my own with the kids for 48 weekends of the year. I work part time during the week but I just really don't see how you can sustain a relationship like this.

The main problem is that he will not take time off work just to spend it with us. But he takes off 9 weekends a year to do his hobby, including 2 and a half weeks out of the country every august. On his weekends away he goes straight from work so I don't see him from Friday morning to late on Sunday night. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to give up his hobby (which he does every day at work as well) to spend some time with us and to help me. He has kicked up the most almighty fuss about this and is refusing to give them up completely.

I think that if he can afford to take 9 weekends off to do his hobby then he can spend it with us. His friends all think I'm dreadful for asking this. For the record, if he had a Monday to Friday job, I'd have much less of a problem with this hobby.

So am I being unreasonable in asking him to give up his hobby and spend some time with his family? I'm so fed up with being on my own that I might as well be on my own for good and at least have the opportunity to meet someone who actually wants to spend some time with me.

He's leaving tomorrow for two and a half weeks and I'm off on holiday with the kids. Looks like I'll have to talk to him tonight.

Thanks for the well wishes, I really appreciate the time you're all taking to post and the sense that you're talking!

If it's cricket then it is a whole subculture, within which he will feel entirely in tune with everyone else. That doesn't help you, but would explain a lot.

Sounds awful, he must be just like his family who he thinks are selfish, after all he learned it somewhere.
He likes to be part of his hobby more than he wants to be part of a family. You are married to one selfish bastard. He's missing out on his children's lives and doesn't care.

Bloody hell, he needs to sort out his priorities.

Thought I'd update in case anyone was wondering!

DP came home from his two and a half weeks away doing his hobby, with no work or childcare to worry about. And the first thing he did was sit down and moan about how tired he was. Not a 'thanks for looking after the kids and using all your annual leave so I could play,' not even an acknowledgement that I'd done him a massive favour.

So I've told him it's over. I've started to pack up the house. I've told my family and I'm starting to tell my friends. It's very tough and I'm in that 'worse before it gets better' stage. But I know that it will get better both for me and the kids.

So thanks to everyone that took the time to read and post, you gave me the final kick up the arse I needed to actually do it!!!

wow well done on making the right decision.

Do you have somewhere to go or have you told him to leave?

He sounds very selfish!

What did he say/do when you told him that?

Given everything you have described here, it really sounds like the best thing you could do.

Well he wasn't happy and is totally and utterly blaming me and refusing to take responsibility for any of it. And has told everyone how it's all me and I'm screwing him for money. I am ignoring it all.

He won't move out and is insisting on 50/50 over the kids. He is being completely unrealistic as he'll never manage it but he'd rather bankrupt himself paying for childcare than admit it. We'll sell the house and just have a miserable couple of months in separate rooms until it's sorted.

I'd take him up on the 50/50 with the kids. Ask him which 26 weekends he wants them for.

Let him bitch all he likes; who cares what his friends and associates think? If they are like him, then their opinions are shit on the bottom of your shoes. Would also love to see how he manages to go away every weekend when he has the children...he is in for a hell of a rude awakening. You are so much better off without that tosser.

:( Does sound like it's the best solution for the long term though.

I know it sounds harsh op but this sounds like something he has been doing for a while.

You can't complain of it's something he has learnt is acceptable in your relationship.

It is not. It is selfish and not what you do when you are a family.

Put your foot down and tell him to sort himself the fuck out. If he really wants to say no and put his foot down I would refuse to do ANYTHING for him. A relationship is give and take and it sounds like yours is off balance with him just taking.

If you have to refuse to make any food for him, do not pick up any of his stuff, do not wash his clothes or make his lunch etc.

Give him hell

I don't blame you OP. And yes, I'd lay down ground rules straight away if he wants 50/50. I presume he'll be acing them next weekend so you can have a nice rest

Onwards and upwards xx

*taking them

did you post this on moneysavingexpert.com a while ago as this sounds SO familiar!

Consensus back then was your OH was shagging around. Of course this may not have been YOU...

Good on you OP.
It will be tough now but I see your life being so much better in the future. You might even have time to get your own hobby for the weekends he has the kids.
Hang tight.

You know he won't really want 50/50 it is to scare you and get you back in your box.

Simple answer is 'that will be absolutely fab, you will see them more than you do now, when do you want to start this weekend as you have been away for several?'

He is going to slide out of that quicker than you can blink.

Get legal advise. You may not have to sell. Find out what you are entitled to legally and financially. Get the ball rolling and if possible get him out asap.

I don't blame you either. Good luck.

He's not going to change.

I left a fabulous man (luckily for me though, pre kids) who was exactly like this. FWIW he's still one of my best friends.

But he was never going to stop working so ridiculously hard. I had everything - flash car, flash house, ££ no problem etc. But I was essentially on my own.

He now has another gf - and never sees her either.

I'm now poor - but very very happy with DH and 2 kids.

Honestly, imo, it depends whether you're happy to put up with this or not. Personally, it sounds to me like you're not.

I repeat He is not going to change

Question is, are you?

50:50 sounds great. His children will actually get to see him and have some time with him. You will get some time to develop hobbies of your own. He's a Prince who wants to spend time with his children, bless.

On a less sarky note... do get some advice. He isn't going to do 50:50 and if you are still going to be doing the massive lion's share, you could stay in the family home and not disrupt the children so much.

I doubt he'd be able to get 50/50 based on his previous form would he? Worth seeking legal advice.

You've made the right decision OP

His 50:50 threat is showing his true colours, can't see him following through on it for the benefit of the children.

It wasn't me on moneysavingexpert but I'm going to look it up!