This isn't right is it?

[Cerealchanger]

So I've been with DP for 13 years and we have two children, DS(5) and DD(3)

DP is self employed and his hobby is also his job. I can't be too specific but it's something like being a golf instructor and still playing golf as a hobby. It involves working most weekends which is not ideal but I accept as it's his job. For the record though, the business is doing very well and we're not exactly on the breadline (which is relevant I think.)

So over the course of a year he spends four weekends with me and the kids. We go away for October and February half terms, so that is a total of 18 days spent as a family per year. He takes a day off during the week which he spends with DD while I'm at work.

I really struggle with this as I'm on my own with the kids for 48 weekends of the year. I work part time during the week but I just really don't see how you can sustain a relationship like this.

The main problem is that he will not take time off work just to spend it with us. But he takes off 9 weekends a year to do his hobby, including 2 and a half weeks out of the country every august. On his weekends away he goes straight from work so I don't see him from Friday morning to late on Sunday night. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to give up his hobby (which he does every day at work as well) to spend some time with us and to help me. He has kicked up the most almighty fuss about this and is refusing to give them up completely.

I think that if he can afford to take 9 weekends off to do his hobby then he can spend it with us. His friends all think I'm dreadful for asking this. For the record, if he had a Monday to Friday job, I'd have much less of a problem with this hobby.

So am I being unreasonable in asking him to give up his hobby and spend some time with his family? I'm so fed up with being on my own that I might as well be on my own for good and at least have the opportunity to meet someone who actually wants to spend some time with me.

Can you all go with him occasionally? I travel loads for work, sometimes I fit it around half term and we all go together, I work half days and we have the rest of the time together. Work pays for transport and accommodation (within reason).

My dad was a bit like this (although he had a normal job) he always prioritised his sport.
He even does it a bit now at 70.
I always now feel bad for my DM as they rarely did stuff together without having to rush back.
Your dh can get back into this when the kids are older and want to do things themselves.
How would he like you leaving him with the kids for weekends.... Certainly if you split he woukdnt see them.

I'm afraid to say that together you have both allowed this situation to come about and it will have to be changed together as well. He has clearly asked for too much but you have let it happen, even if you have said that you're unhappy with the situation.

When something like personal time becomes a routine not a treat, the person whose time it is then feels like they are giving something up / having something taken away if it changes.

He now sees it as the exception not the rule.

Problem is, in your mind you think he should be GAINING by spending more time with you and the kids. In his mind he is not gaining, he is losing something. That's the crux of it.

If he doesn't see time as a family as something to be cherished above other things in his life, particularly given his current balance, you're on a different wavelength and yes sadly I agree you'd probably be better off alone.

It's going to be hard to change the way he sees things and frankly I think you are going to have to be hard in the way you go about it. It sounds like he is married to his job / hobby. I'm sorry you're having to go through this and that he is missing out on the joys that a loving family relationship can bring.

Your (not so D)H sounds like a completely selfish prick to me!

I'm assuming there is a very good reason why he can't do his hobby during the week rather than on a weekend.

Quite frankly I would think you were being completely and utterly reasonable if you absolutely insisted on 1 weekend a month being family time, and NO LESS!

He doesn't deserve you or your children.

Life is long, what's the point of a family if you never have the benefit of it?

^^ he sees it as the rule not the exception!! Sorry

Get yourself a lover,you will have great fun and sure he isn't there to notice.

What about evenings? Do you see him then?

My DP used to work away a lot of the time - more than 50% of the year. Even when he was home he worked long hours and realistically weekends were for shopping, cooking, DIY, catching up and I wouldn't say there was much "family time". It wasn't ideal but it was ok.

You have a happy, successful, ambitious partner, you love each other, you have kids, he sees the kids, you have a home and money. I don't think he is selfish but if it isn't what you want then fair enough. You need to be happy too.There is no "gold standard" or tick boxes in relationships,

In the end it is your relationship. You have to make it work for both of you.

He is not enjoying family life. So those fought for extra weekends will likely bring you no joy.

There are wives who survive like this - partners of very high earning providers - and they manage to carve out a happy life for themselves and their children. But it would not suit me; nor most people.

I don't really have a feel for quite how well placed you are financially - how easy it will be for you to move on. But if I were you I would do so. Whatever the financial consequences. Though your actual circumstances might dictate how soon. And do it before you become accustomed to feeling that you and the children don't rate as anything that could/should be enjoyed; you deserve more than to be 'endured' . I wish you well.

I guess the main point is that you are not currently happy with the situation and you feel miserable faced with a future in which this continues to be the norm.

It doesn't really matter if it used to work for both of you, the point is that for your happiness you need a break and he needs to spend more time with you (and your family.)

I think you just have to tell him how unhappy you are and ask what he can do to help?

If he isn't willing to cooperate, as in willing not begrudgingly giving you a few more weekends, and you don't want to divorce his selfish arse, how about each weekend he is away you also go away with the DCs to somewhere of your choice?

I know it doesn't fix the problem of him lacking interest and respect for you. But, if you don't have to cook for yourself and DCs, no housework etc over the weekend then you and DCs could be having a good time rather than waiting for his highness to grace you with his presence for 5 minutes.

Have you tried marriage counselling to see if you can work out an amicable way to have family life where you all get what you need?

I wish you all the best.

HayDay - I would look at it differently. Life is short and it would be a tragedy if he has never got know know his children and the happiness a family can bring.

Why is spending time with his wife and family such a revolting thing?! I'm concerned that he's not putting your feelings on a par with his. It's normal to spend time with your family. Why does he think he doesn't need to or want to?

He sounds selfish and self important. And unless he's willing to be a partner with you and can bring himself to enjoy nurturing his relationship with you, then nothing will change.

From what you've said it sounds like he's been able to have his cake and eat it for many years, and he's decided it's his right to not be part of the family but have a completely separate set of rules for him to be the special king of his world. Sorry about the emotive language, he's not coming over well I'm afraid and I'm angry on your behalf!

I do wonder whether councelling may give a platform to discuss this?

And lastly, what his friends think is irrelevant, are they in the relationship? Do they know or have they considered how little he gives to you or your relationship? Would they live like you? I suspect not.

And it really doesn't matter what they think. Don't try and engage with that as you'll end up feeling like you're convincing an army of people or some weird united front - it's you and him in this relationship. And you and him are all that's important in this situation.

It's the only enjoyable thing in his life

I would tell him to fuck off then, and then he can play golf or whatever it is that is so important 24/7.

Selfish toad!

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate some neutral viewpoints from people that don't know us, it's really helpful

I would be so full of resentment if I were you.

I don't know how you've put up with this for 8 years.

The fact that he put up such a fight when all you have done is ask him to be less unreasonable in dividing up his time, speak volumes, and would make me want to tell him where to shove it!

And then leave him.

Wow I can't believe you put up with this shit. I also bet you any money that friends have not said YABU to ask him to give it up. Maybe his single, young friends, but not anyone with any kind of parental responsibility.

He is massively taking the piss. When you have a family you have to make huge compromises. That's just how it is. I hope you can work it out with him. Otherwise, I suppose he'll be in a situation where he's having to give up his hobby EOW and a day during the week.... Xx

Do you get 9 weekends a year to so what you enjoy while he looks after the kids?
Do you get one?
There's your answer.
Yanbu!

It depends if his hobby impacts upon his job.

I will give you an example. I have friends who are boxers and they also teach, and a large percentage of the custom they get to their gym comes from the reputation they develop and maintain through their own participation,

It's obivously not boxing from what you have written but if his hobby gives him a reputation that does impact on the level of business he gets, then it's not quite as clear cut,

However he is not spending enough time with you or his kids, and it's the attitude that is horrible.

this isn't right is it?
No, it's not.

I understand what you mean RJ and I think that might have been the case in the early days of the business. Now though he has the reputation as being a good instructor so doesn't really need to do the competition side. He's also a member of the governing body so he maintains a public presence in that way. He mainly just wants to do it!

He can do it when the kids have grown up. Right now they should be his priority. Having kids means making sacrifices, that should apply as much to dads as it does to mums.

Well that's a bit different cereal!

It might still be good to keep his hand in competing but not to the detriment of his family and his relationship with his kids and you.

This arrangement seems grossly unfair. If you are all living together, how has he given himself permission to just leave all the family stuff to you alone?

Does he think he is very important? More important than the rest of the family? Do you think he cares about the quality of your life? Or just his own?

Do you ever get time alone as a couple? Do you talk? Are you close? Sorry for all the questions, I am trying to figure out how this situation has come about, how and why he has ducked out of family life and left you to it.

If he is serious about his hobby being the only good thing in his life, and he doesn't see this as a problem and doesn't want to change the situation, does he understand that you are deeply hurt and insulted by this attitude?

I struggle to see what he is offering you as a partner. If there is a glimmer that he does care that you are unhappy with the situation, perhaps he would agree to go to couples counselling. If he thinks things are fine as they are and doesn't want to change anything and is not willing to go to counselling, then perhaps you need to rethink your situation.

I'm so fed up with being on my own that I might as well be on my own for good and at least have the opportunity to meet someone who actually wants to spend some time with me. Yes, I agree. Does he know you think this? Because I would certainly tell him how you are feeling. Also, if you were on your own, wouldn't he be spending rather more weekends with the DCs once he wasn't living in the same house. I wonder what sort of a picture the DCs are building up of what a family life looks like, what an adult relationship looks like. Is he intelligent enough interested enough to think about and discuss what is being modelled to his children, for their future adulthood?