Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

This isn't right is it?

110 replies

Cerealchanger · 30/07/2014 16:06

So I've been with DP for 13 years and we have two children, DS(5) and DD(3)

DP is self employed and his hobby is also his job. I can't be too specific but it's something like being a golf instructor and still playing golf as a hobby. It involves working most weekends which is not ideal but I accept as it's his job. For the record though, the business is doing very well and we're not exactly on the breadline (which is relevant I think.)

So over the course of a year he spends four weekends with me and the kids. We go away for October and February half terms, so that is a total of 18 days spent as a family per year. He takes a day off during the week which he spends with DD while I'm at work.

I really struggle with this as I'm on my own with the kids for 48 weekends of the year. I work part time during the week but I just really don't see how you can sustain a relationship like this.

The main problem is that he will not take time off work just to spend it with us. But he takes off 9 weekends a year to do his hobby, including 2 and a half weeks out of the country every august. On his weekends away he goes straight from work so I don't see him from Friday morning to late on Sunday night. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to give up his hobby (which he does every day at work as well) to spend some time with us and to help me. He has kicked up the most almighty fuss about this and is refusing to give them up completely.

I think that if he can afford to take 9 weekends off to do his hobby then he can spend it with us. His friends all think I'm dreadful for asking this. For the record, if he had a Monday to Friday job, I'd have much less of a problem with this hobby.

So am I being unreasonable in asking him to give up his hobby and spend some time with his family? I'm so fed up with being on my own that I might as well be on my own for good and at least have the opportunity to meet someone who actually wants to spend some time with me.

OP posts:

Icimoi · 30/07/2014 20:05

I'm a bit puzzled that he says it's the only enjoyable thing in his life. Quite apart from the fact that if he took the trouble to spend time with his family he might just find himself enjoying that, there's the fact that his hobby is also his work. Many of us would pay good money to be in that situation. Is he really saying that, despite that, he still doesn't enjoy his work? Why not?

weatherall · 30/07/2014 20:16

Being a single parent is better than living a half life like that.

He doesn't love you.

He doesn't love his children.

He doesn't deserve any of you.

paxtecum · 30/07/2014 21:16

Did he want to have children or did he have them because you wanted them?

Does he do much with the DCs in the evenings or mornings?

Original poster

Cerealchanger · 30/07/2014 21:30

He normally gets home ten minutes before bedtime or after they're asleep if I'm here. I work so a couple of nights a week he will do the school run to bedtime bit on his own.

He agreed to have kids (obviously) but does occasionally state that he didn't really want them when we're arguing and that I forced him into it. This particular argument gets very short shrift from me I'm afraid

OP posts:

Bifauxnen · 30/07/2014 21:57

The time to state you don't want kids is before they're born. Once they're here, too late, get on with shouldering your responsibility.
Glad this argument gets short shrift, why let him away with the rest of his cheek?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/07/2014 22:09

DH 'convinced' me to have DD. The thought of saying that in any negative way, even in anger, is horrifying. What a cunt.

meringue33 · 30/07/2014 22:21

Sounds to me like he wants you to end it. He isn't man enough.

ChasedByBees · 30/07/2014 22:28

It doesn't sound like a marriage, that's for sure.

backwardpossom · 30/07/2014 22:34

He agreed to have kids (obviously) but does occasionally state that he didn't really want them when we're arguing and that I forced him into it.

Sorry OP, but that would be a straw that breaks the camel's back for me. What a tosser. Ugh.

route1 · 30/07/2014 22:45

I'm so fed up with being on my own that I might as well be on my own for good and at least have the opportunity to meet someone who actually wants to spend some time with me

Exactly.

Pico2 · 30/07/2014 22:57

Reading your posts makes me think "there are plenty of great guys out there". He doesn't seem to want any of you, so you might well find you are better off single and able to move on.

Most guys I know adore their children. I have known a few who didn't want the children they had. Their marriages didn't last.

Squidstirfry · 30/07/2014 22:58

Unforgivable, that he wld argue he didn't want kids.
He does not give a fck if u and his dc are hanging around or not he has made it very clearthat he only cares about himself. Fot your own self respect and esteem please LTB

pickles184 · 30/07/2014 23:02

He's not a skydiver by any chance?
Sounds like a familiar pattern to what can happen in the sport.

He is behaving like an arse, the minute the words 'it's my only source of enjoyment' passed his lips it must have been clear that there was nothing left in this partnership for you and your children

You and they deserve to feel important, loved and fun to be around, not treated like kill joy nuisances to be 'tolerated now and then'

If he won't at least attempt counselling to resolve this then I am afraid I would be calling time on this marriage in your shoes.

ouryve · 30/07/2014 23:02

Asking him to give up a hobby that he is so wrapped up in that it defines him would be a little unreasonable.

Asking him to make more of a compromise and spend more time with you all is perfectly reasonable.

And yes, the thought does cross my mind that it might be the actual hobby that's keeping him away from the family home.

ouryve · 30/07/2014 23:14

Having read on, he's a selfish cowardly git. If you want to read him the riot act, then do. It's not like oyu have anything to lose.

McFox · 30/07/2014 23:27

He just sounds like a horrible selfish prick OP, sorry.

He's been quite blunt about the fact that you and your DC aren't as important as his hobby, i.e. you just don't matter in the grand scheme of his life. I couldn't tolerate being treated like that and I certainly couldn't stomach my children being on the receiving end of such behaviour. This must surely be damaging for them too?

In your shoes I'd be walking away - you and your DC deserve respect, love and attention and it sounds as if he has no intention of fulfilling these basic needs.

AdoraBell · 31/07/2014 05:52

Having read your updates I also think you should walk away. Get some legal advice first as you may be able to stay in your home and have him move out. He won't like that but it will be less upheaval for you and DCs and frankly, though shit if he doesn't like it.

He can move in with one of those friends who 'all' think you are being unreasonable.

Thumbwitch · 31/07/2014 05:58

He sounds like a bastard, actually. What do you get out of this relationship? ANything apart from financial support? :(

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/07/2014 06:24

It doesn't sound like he's contributing much relationship wise to either you or the children. YANBU.

Misfitless · 31/07/2014 07:07

*He agreed to have kids (obviously) but does occasionally state that he didn't really want them when we're arguing and that I forced him into it.

I'm so fed up with being on my own that I might as well be on my own for good and at least have the opportunity to meet someone who actually wants to spend some time with me

I agree with backwardpossum, route and just about everyone else who has posted.

He has nothing to lose by staying with you cereal. He has absolutely everything taken care of by being with you, apart from the inconvenience of having to do the school run to bedtime two nights a week.

Don't waste your life on him!

Personally I would rather be single.

Out of interest, how is his relationship with his family? And how do they treat you and the DCs?

Original poster

Cerealchanger · 31/07/2014 07:18

Misfitless, he has an ok relationship with his family although he does complain how selfish they are! I don't have a relationship with his family at all. We're civil when we see each other every couple of months but his mum is totally disinterested in the kids and so I can't really stand to be around her.

I know you're all right. You're all telling me what I'm thinking, it's very hard seeing it all written down in black and white though!

OP posts:

DizzyKipper · 31/07/2014 07:24

This "as he so kindly put it, it's the only enjoyable thing in his life" followed by this "he agreed to have kids (obviously) but does occasionally state that he didn't really want them when we're arguing and that I forced him into it" would make me feel that I had no choice but to ask some very hard questions of myself. Mainly, did I still love him? Did I want to be there? Was this relationship worth trying to salvage or would it be better to cut it off completely? I would also be very concerned about how his attitude may be impacting the kids. Only you can answer whether you want to and think this relationship is worth salvaging, but sadly even if you do it can't be done without the effort of both of you. It's time to start asking whether he wants to too. OP.

Misfitless · 31/07/2014 07:44

Cereal, ikwym, when I've sought advice on here, having tens of people all saying the same thing isn't easy to read.

backwardpossom · 31/07/2014 08:38

I think it's very easy for us here on the other side of a screen to say LTB, but we all know that it's not that easy. I personally couldn't live with him, particularly after he's blamed you for forcing him into having children as I said above, but only you can decide if there is anything in the relationship worth fighting for. Do you still love him? Is it worth going to relate or something? What about taking yourself and the kids off for a bit so you're just not around to be his personal slave for a while and he hopefully realises what he's missing out on? Only you can decide if the relationship is worth it. Good luck OP, I wish you well

Topaz25 · 31/07/2014 08:57

Obviously this is an awful situation for you but it must be upsetting for the children too, as they grow up they will pick up on the tension and the fact that their father doesn't want to spend time with them. What if they heard him saying he didn't want them? They deserve better and so do you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread