AIBU in thinking there is pretty much no point dating when you are a single parent?

[Takethedamncheese]

Got a thread in relationships, ive met someone, logistically time is an issue, and at some point he will have to meet DD if we want to build some semblance of a relationship.

Ive been told its harmful to DD, i should date for a year at least before i even think of it etc...

It just seems so very hard and, frankly impossible.

I sort of feel like i should just dump the man already as im not going to be able to win here.

AIBU?
Do i just join a nunnery?

I do agree that people should wait before introducing children to New partners. my me that would be at least six months. everyone is different

Ive been on my own a long time, 9 years pretty much. DD has been introduced to one man in that time. There hasnt been a constant stream of men.

Ive been told he should just accept coffee dates.
not great, id like some sex as well!!

I dont get much free time, 24 hours every other week. 2 nights. Thats it.

I work, he works.

We can have a few hours on a monday, my day off and his day off, while DD is at school. and a few hours, same deal, every other friday.

He works saturdays, i work sundays. Its not much when you are trying to build a relationship. Plus its the school holidays, im off with DD, so basically have zero time.

Its just crap. and hard.

I dont know why its so bad for him to come over in the evening? its not any different from a friend coming over.

i dont know, just feels so pointless like i might as well not even bother.

Just don't listen to others and invite him round in the evenings. Who cares what everyone else thinks! You can make your own judgement on what's best for your daughter.
Lots of luck :)

I'd just bring him round. How old is your dd?

Admittedly when I was dating, my dd was only tiny so she didn't really care who she met!

I agree though, it's an absolute pain and seems impossible but I wouldn't give up on a relationship yet, for me, finding someone was 90% of the battle!!

shes 9.

She will be in bed ( if not asleep, because if she knows someone is coming round shes going to try to stay awake to listen)

im not talking about having him stay over and eat breakfast, have a day out and be all family family. but, i dont see why he cant pop over one evening or something.

I was a single mum for 11 years but was very lucky to have childcare support from my parents which meant I could have nights out regularly. I have remarried now but DD didn't meet DH until we were together for a year. That was the right thing for us, she is very secure with DH and I don't think that would have been the case if I'd jumped in sooner. I certainly dated other men before I met DH and if she'd been introduced to all of them I'm sure she would have ended up confused.

Can you adjust some of your working hours to fit with his schedule or would he be able to do the same? That is what I did to make sure DH and I had some weekend time together in the early days. DH also helped out with childcare costs sometimes, which you could ask your DP to do?

Hes not my DP, we are just dating and i dont want to palm DD off on someone else, shes my child and i want to be with her. I dont have childcare support really, unless its for work, its not something i could do regularly.

I cant ajust my working hours and neither can he.

Ive dated a lot, only one man has met dd, that was 2 years ago, so im not in the habit of trailing a ton of men through the house.....

Live your life how you want to and do the right thing by your DD.

MN'ers do not make all the rules. They don't know you.

Keep your DD's interests in mind, but you are capable of balancing them with your own interests.

Have you had good relationships in the past? Is your 'head on'? Then trust yourself and do what you think is OK.

My sister is a single parent (to two children aged 9 and 5) and left her partner, their father, a year ago.

She met a guy from OLD five months (also a single parent) and they are so, so, so happy.

My sister introduced him to her children (and vice versa) after 3 months together and her children adore him, especially her son. He's wonderful to the children and they have already formed a really good relationship.

Life is short, if you like him then just go with it.
You deserve some happiness.

No, i have had shit relationships, I have done a lot of learning, a lot of thinking about what I want, and what things are and are not important to me. Ive been on my own a long time, ive tried different things out, and my head is now so firmly on, which is why ive been on my own as im now very very picky. I dump at the drop of a hat and do not tolerate any, and i mean, any shit behavior.

Im really quite happy on my own, DD always comes first.

Its a really hard balance. I think ive met someone lovely, i cant know as i dont know him well yet, but you have to spend time to do so and thats where i have problems as i dont have free time.

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If she's in bed then I see no problem :)

Dd met my now DP before I did as he was a friend of my ex but like I said, she was tiny so had no idea!

If she asks then explain that he is just a friend and if/when your relationship progresses you can introduce him as you see fit.
There's no definite time limit, it's when you feel comfortable and certain enough about your relationship and think your child is ready for such a change.

Don't think that it HAS to be a year, a year is a long time to be in a relationship that you're struggling to schedule around life. Personally I went with 6 months (the second time-we were together when she was tiny then broke up for a year and got back together when she was 18 months) but I met dps son before that

I met my DP when I was with DD. If I put a long term time scale on them meeting we would have barely seen each other. I also had no child care I was either at work or with DD.

Its worked out really well for us.

Just invite him round - tuck dd up in bed and make sure she's asleep. If she does wake up and come down you'll just have to say he's a friend. No big deal - like you say you could have a friend over. The thing is not to make too much of a big deal over it all.

I met my dh when my dd was 7. We waited about 4 months before they met and we just went out to the cinema together and a Costa. They got on really well and we went from there. We are now married and have a toddler son - dd is thrilled with her little brother (she is now 11).

I think people in these forums are always overly cautious about introducing new partners and of course you should be careful but if you are pretty confident it's going somewhere then it's no more confusing for a child than bringing a new friend home. Just don't move them in too quickly etc all sensible stuff.

I dont even want to live with someone, thats not my goal. i couldnt think of anything worse than getting married.

I used to go with the whole ' 6 months ' thing, but then i read some studdies that say that you dont hold back introducing your children to new friends, so why on earth do it with partners. You just dont make a big deal of it, and dont go in gung ho.

Id rather she met him first, so if she did wake up, she wasnt bothered about him being there. I wouldnt hide friends coming over from her, so really i feel like i shouldnt hide him either, its making him out to be this massive big deal and creating a situation which isnt there.

How well do you know him? I mean in terms of did you meet online or is he an old friend? Do you know any of his family friends etc?

I ask that because my main concern would be safety, I can't really see the problem with him coming over while your dd is in bed so long as you're sure he's not going to turn out to be a mad axe murderer.

If you've only met him online/in a bar and don't know much about him yet then probably best to just keep making time for each other when you can.

Cross post. I think it's a bit different with friends/acquaintances and children can pick up on that.

We have mutual friends though we did meet online. Lots of his friends are friends with people i know, so we have similar social circles ( nice bit of FB stalking on my behalf!)

I know where he works, ive been to his house several times.

We have just over 2 weeks where i am childfree, we plan to spend a lot of time together then, if hes going to be weird, ill know at that point i think.

And, if hes ok, then maybe he can meet DD and come over in an evening, but thats not going to be for 3.5 ish weeks really...

OP, on your other thread you said that you had a "3 month thing who I did introduce to dd only to dump him a week later."

Generally, I'm of the camp that thinks six months is about the right time to be introducing children to new partners because I do think you need to be sure so that children don't potentially see a stream of guys come and go. Am not saying that's what you are doing/would do, per se.

Dating with kids is hard. Dating when your work schedules are so different is hard. Putting the two together can be such a logistical nightmare, so I do feel for you.

I'm single with no kids and I can't get dates, so I can understand wanting to make the most of it. My last date was in the police force and worked such shifts that it was a question of two weeks between dates. You can't get to know someone properly like that, so I ended it. Had there been kids involved too, it would have never even started.

It's not impossible but it does redraw the boundaries a lot.

I would say don't get them to meet them first because it's not the same as a friendship - if a friendship ends it tends to peter out or there's a specific reason you can explain to DC. A relationship is more intense and if it ends then you typically don't carry on seeing the person either because it's too hard to stay emotionally uninvolved or just because you don't want to see them any more which is difficult for DC to process and can be damaging especially if they have been introduced to multiple partners who have then disappeared.

If she's older, then there's probably less of an issue as she'll understand relationships break up and you can prime her not to start latching on as a dad figure kind of thing and keep contact between them very brief until it's fairly clear he's a permanent fixture in your life. But be careful - especially if her own dad isn't involved or is a bit flaky children and even younger teens can have a tendency to romanticise and think "Now I've got a real dad" and it can be a huge thing for them if it doesn't work out. Think about your break ups when you were a teenager vs adult - it's harder to deal with that kind of thing when you're emotionally less mature.

You need to look out not just for red flags, which are important, but also green flags - is he interested in hearing about your DC, is he supportive and understanding rather than irritated when you have issues with childcare or have to cancel something at the last minute due to childcare stuff, a bonus might be if he has his own DC and can understand, does he have a fairly similar attitude towards children (ie he doesn't have unrealistic expectations e.g. seen and not heard, he's going to interact with her on a day out rather than ignoring her, but equally he's not going to encourage her to do stuff you'd rather she didn't etc) - if she's older and/or you don't expect to get to moving in stage then his relationship with her will be completely different to how it would if he was going to undertake a stepdad role so you need to know he'd be right for whichever you want.

TL;DR version: Don't introduce too soon, but look out for signs in pre-introduction relationship that he's interested in DC, understand they come as a package with you, supportive and understanding of your role/position as a parent, talk about long term plans before introducing even if you're both not sure yet. Then keep intros neutral, short, explain to DC(s) that you're seeing how it goes - for younger ones introduce as "a friend".

Six months isn't that long in the scheme of things. I would wait. I didn't wait, and it turned out fine, but there was always an extra pressure to make the relationship work once DS became attached to (now) DH. And if your relationship isn't going to work without pressure, then it's not the right relationship. It's better to know earlier on that it's working because it works rather than it working out of a desire not to separate your child from their father figure.

Another "green flag" may be "if we get involved and then split up would he continue to see the children"

Evenings I did, I kept it to after DS was in bed. There probably isn't any harm in her seeing him for a few brief moments accidentally. He probably shouldn't be staying over unless you have overnight childcare, though. That is a hard part because you just want the normal part of a relationship where you can sleep with them and wake up together, but perhaps it will be more special for waiting 6 months? And in some ways it's just part of dating when you have children - the rules are different, and how accepting of that he is will tell you a lot.

I think this whole thing depends very much on your view and how your children are.

DD is very stable, she has a dad who she has a good relationship with, she isnt looking or even thinking any partner of mine is a replacment dad. The ex husbands wife isnt considered a ' step mum' she is his wife and called her first name. Shes there as his wife, not anything else. Any relationship i might undertake, i am not looking for a stepdad role. She has a dad, she doesnt need another.

I had a chat with DD about the whole thing this afternoon, how she felt and what she might want to do if i keep seeing him. She said if he was coming round in an evening she wanted to meet him first, i did explain that it didnt mean he was my boyfriend or would be round all the time and she said that was fine, i asked how she would feel if i decided not to see him again or something, and she said ' why does it even matter to me'

so, shes fine.

The onei dated for 3 months, introduced the dumped about a week later, was because he was rude to dd, he made inappropriate comments and then called her a name. Immediate dumping, obviously.

It is really hard. Like a pp, I don't want to palm DS off on others when I am not at work so I can meet a potential partner. All very well to see someone in the evenings, but having someone I don't know well in my home doesn't appeal, and I think there is a limit to how well you can get to know someone when you only see them in evenings for drinks and or dinner. My time out if work revolves around DS, and will do for the foreseeable. So I guess really I need to meet a single dad at the playground. Not exactly likely, is it?

Yanbu. I find the whole thing quite frustrating. I was a solid believer in the six months at least thing but then realised I have no childcare, no one I can ask to babysit, no money to pay someone to babysit so basically it's off to the nunnery for me too. I find it confusing as well. It would be okay for me to meet a new female friend for a coffee with dd with me but someone with a penis is a no no. I recently turned down meeting up with an old male friend because i felt like people would think I was a bad mum. Is this because she will automatically assume he is her new father? I don't know but it's a mind boggle.