AIBU in thinking there is pretty much no point dating when you are a single parent?

[Takethedamncheese]

Got a thread in relationships, ive met someone, logistically time is an issue, and at some point he will have to meet DD if we want to build some semblance of a relationship.

Ive been told its harmful to DD, i should date for a year at least before i even think of it etc...

It just seems so very hard and, frankly impossible.

I sort of feel like i should just dump the man already as im not going to be able to win here.

AIBU?
Do i just join a nunnery?

Its really hard and a bit of a mine field.

I think you have to go with your gut, thats all you can do.

The whole six months thing is only going to work if you have some kind of regular childcare, or the finances to pay for it, and are willing to do it.

I hate childcare, Its always a last resort for me, i want to spend time with DD. So i plan my time around when i have her and when i dont.
Which is probably why ive been on my own for so long as it is nigh on impossible to meet someone and get something off the ground.

sienna, i think people do assume that, but its nuts. I have male and female friends. DD meets my friends, it makes no difference to her if they have a cock or not. She knows who her father is, she doesnt assume every man she meets is her new dad.

I think, if you are sensible, they can meet quite quickly, so long as contact is kept to a minimum, and you arent trying to get them to be the daddy, then whats the issue. How is having a man over for a bbq any different to having a man over for a bbq who you happen to be having sex with? its not really, is it.

I think the danger is if you are forcing a relationship, trying to make it something too quickly, or having a stream of men in and out of your childrens lives. None of which i am nor ever have done.

A strange symmetry with our usernames takethedamncheese!

I too am a single mother and felt exactly the same, though DC only 22 months so a lot younger. I did meet someone at a wedding in January and he is my boyfriend now and he did end up meeting DC pretty early on, but she is so young, I figured it would be ok. Plus he lived with mutual friends (the wedding couple) he has known for years so I know he's a decent guy.

The only way I was able to get to know him well enough to figure out that I was interested though was to invite him round for dinner after we'd been on a few dates. We had also hung out the whole day/night at the wedding so I definitely felt like I knew him a bit.

However when I dabbled in OLD before xmas and met someone through that, we ended up on 6 weekly dates which were all lovely but I still was no further to feeling like I wanted to invite him into my space. I just didn't feel like I knew him well enough, even after 6 weeks.

So I totally sympathise and totally agree that it's really hard if you don't have babysitters on tap, which I don't. You should trust your instincts re inviting someone round, not follow a set of rules that don't really exist.

Having said that, next time when DC is older, I know I'd have to wait before any intros were made. In some ways it's easier dating when they are still tiny (while also being hard!).

I met my dp when my 3 dds from previous marriage were 6, 3 and 18 months, I wasn't looking for a relationship as felt I had enough on my plate! Lol. So we started as friends for a few months but both kinda new where it was going to go. We started dating but waited til relationship was definitely serious/long term, so about a year before he finally met munchkins. Due to him living some distance away we were only able to see each other sat nite and Sunday eow, so talked alot on the phone and messaged each other constantly. The way he was so understanding of my situation, never pressured me about it and the long, getting to know each other talks, were one of the reasons I fell in love with him. When I decided to was right to meet my dds we started with just picnics in the park etc, before he came to my house as felt better to meet on neutral territory the first few times. I think in a way if you can find that a man who is just the right fit for you and your dcs too, then you will know that from the way they handle the initial difficulties, if you or he feel like giving up, then maybe it's not the right person or time for you. Happy ending here- nearly 3 years from when we met we are moving in together and expecting our own little one in December. I have never been happier and he and my girls love each other to bits.

Tbh i think its only an issue if theres a constant stream of men in and out or the children know they are in your bed a lot. - i babysat a six yr old once who told me "mommy has lots of strangers in her bed" - i was horrified and thats where problems come from.

If you introduce as mummys friend, then i dont see what how thats any different to any other friend. Plus it is healthy for children to know that whether you are male or female you can have friends that are male and female.

And i say that as someone who is very judgy.

My DS met my now DH fairly early on in the relationship, when my DH came round for a coffee one afternoon. It was all very casual and we were careful not to be touchy-feely in front of DS. As the relationship progressed (dinners and coffees in the evening when DS was asleep, as I had no childcare), DH slowly made more regular appearances.

When it eventually got to the point that DH stayed over, he would get up early and pretend to have just come through the back door to have breakfast with us, so DS never knew he was staying overnight.

I have a stepdad. My mum left (escaped from) my father when I was 7. Remarried when I was 10. I was introduced to him four months after they met but I was told he was a friend of hers only- so I'd see him but not more than her other friends, so occasionally at a cafe or the park, but not that often. I was only told about their relationship months later, until I was a teen and actually asked them, I'd assumed they had been friends and then gone into the relationship.

DP met DD about 2 weeks after I met him, she was only just 1 though. We were careful not to touch at first and to act like friends. Time wise I don't think it would have worked any other way as I wouldn't have been able to have DD looked after regularly.

You know your children, if they don't get too easily attached or unsettled i personally wouldn't see any problem having a new DP over in the evening then them seeing each other briefly in the morning/having occasional days together like you would with a friend. It also shows the DP the reality without them getting too invested then panicking!

If your DC are sensitive you'd have to wait until you were more sensitive in the relationship though I think.

Secure in the relationship*

Just read your other posts (was being lazy and scan reading before )

Don't listen to what other people say, the majority of them are probably not single parents and are being idealistic.

Even if it doesn't work, it's not a regular thing. If you've been single 9 years it could well be good for DS to eventually have a male around more at your home. I think the positives of that far outweigh the negatives of it not working and DS not seeing a man he's briefly met again.

I just don't think there can be hard and fast rules on these things. It depends on the individuals involved, and tons of other stuff too.

I met DP's DSS after 3 months together. We progressed to overnights quite quickly. 5 years later he doesn't seem at all traumatised by it. He was introduced to his mum's new DP (now DH) after a similar period of time. Everything is fine in our setup, we are all sensible and no one is trying to take over a father/mother role, we're not perfect but we all do our best for DSS.

I would say that if you think your DD will be OK, then just go for it. You sound sensible and thoughtful. Explain to her who this man is in whatever way you judge best, and then as they start to interact monitor her a bit in terms of whether she veers towards being uncomfortable around/jealous of/over-attached to the new man and deal appropriately.

I think a child's happiness is linked to their parents' happiness in some ways. Life is too short to sacrifice a chance at an extra piece of happiness for you because of arbritrary rules and 'what its'. Just take things slow and be careful, but don't close off this possibility with a lovely man for no real reason.

Thanks, thats what im thinking, spoken to him tonight and hes organizing a night out so i can meet all his close friends.

I think this shows that hes taking things seriously and intends to stick around for a while.

Im just going to go with what feels right for us and DD and just see what happens.