What would you expect your DH to do?

[notkatemiddleton]

Last night, I went out for a meal with some friends for a friends birthday

I drove back to our house as i am 30 weeks pregnant and wasn't drinking but everyone else was (the car was full). I drove because the taxi from our house to the restaurant and back again was £50 each way. So I thought seeing as I wasn't drinking, i would save everyone (including myself) some extra cash.

During the drive back from the restaurant , in the dark, in country lanes, with me driving, when I braked to go around a corner, a friend of my DH thumped the back of my seat, violently to mimic a head hitting the back of it. He was told off by my DH as in "Come on man...." but then did it again at some traffic lights later on in the journey. I got disorientated and almost went through a red light.

We got to our destination and I screamed at him to get out of the car. He said "Hit me then". I shouted "Get out of the fing car otherwise i fing will....get out of my sight".

I went straight to bed, sobbing my eyes out, woke up the next morning and the friend was gone. DH says that he spoke to him and that he was sorry and that he shouldn't have done it. But no apology to me??

Part of me expected my DH to be a bit more brutal with him, after all i was driving.

It wasn't the OP's friend though, it was her DH's friend so why should she deal with him.

Op i dont think yabu at all. I don't think you overreacted either!
Don't think you should give him a lift ever again either.

Yanbu op, usual mumsnet spiteful reactions.

What he did was idiotic and dangerous, he shouldn't drink if he can't handle his booze.

Next time don't offer to drive.

I would have thought someone else could have dealt with him so that the OP could get on with driving undistracted! It had nothing to do with 'hiding behind her husband', it's standard, in my experience, that if a drunk person is being a dick and disturbing the driver, the other passengers step in.

I've had people do that loud thump behind the headrest, and it's bloody horrible. Really gives you a start.

YANBU and the drunk fuckwit owes you an apology.

Are you not a good driver? Are you normally a nervous driver?
The guy was stupid to do what he did, but my reaction would have been to tell him to stop or I would stop the car & he could walk the rest if the way home.
If you are in the driver's seat, you are in charge, like the captain of a 'plane, not your husband or anyone else.
If you get disorientated by relatively small distractions on a route I assume you know, how are you going to do with small people in the car?

Lightas

Seriously?! OP knew this person well enough to have him in her car. In my book that means she is entitled to talk to him. Does the DH have a monopoly on addressing his friends??

There's no 'dealing' involved. All she has to do is, in a civil fashion, tell him that his behaviour was unacceptable, endangered the life of 5 other people and as a consequence she will not have him in her car any longer.

Is that so difficult?!

OP if the way in which you are conducting yourself on this thread (melodramatic, stroppy with those posters with whom you don't agree, and PA) bears any similarities to the way in which you behaved last night I think YABU.

You were annoyed by a drunk person who subsequently apologised via your DH. No harm done.

YANBU and I can't believe some of the responses here! In my book the swearing and raising your voice to him were completely justified by him a) acting like a twat in the first place and b) continuing to do so even when asked not to.

My DP would have demanded that his friend apologise to me, direct, in person. But then again I can't imagine any of my DP's friends (or mine) behaving like that.

I don't think 'he was drunk' is any kind of a defence for a grown-up, either.

People asking if the OP is always a nervous driver, that's ridiculous. Someone behaving like that would put ANYONE on the alert.

I would have shouted at a drunk man violently hitting my seat as well.

Sorry, but I am not the kind of person to ask nicely after the first time someone has done something to piss me off. I would have asked nicely the first time but if he ignored me I would have swore at him too.

You were scared and you did nothing wrong.

Some people on AIUB will try to paint you as hysterical and tell you it was wrong to swear (probably while using the word 'cunt' all over the board) but you did nothing wrong.

My husband would have told him to cut it out there and then, unless he was drunk and lacking awareness.

If I was driving the car and one of my DH's twattish friends, not my friend I add, did that I would expect DH to deal with him as it would be him that bought him along. He had already spent the whole evening goading the OP to drink when pregnant and driving, that does not sound like it was any friend of the OPs

He should have been thrown out of the car to walk home.

I also don't think you can talk civilly to a drunken lout.

Hey notkate - some people have been really dickish on here. I would have been raging and I'm not even pregnant. Driving a heavy car full of people along unlit roads at night, especially when they're being drunk and probably noisy, might not be rocket science but it does mean you have to concentrate. Nigel or whatever he's called has clearly got a drunk-immature-twat problem, and he must have known he was risking making you do something silly, and that you would get angry, when he hit your seat. That's probably why he was doing it! Because you were the sensible, sober, pregnant wife and he wants to get a telling off to show how cool and rebellious and downright HILARIOUS he is. Pfft. Well, he got what he wanted. I'd probably be emailing/texting him to say in clear terms why he was a dangerous prat and you won't be bothering to give him a lift again.

And yes, I would definitely have pulled over and asked what the fucking fuck he thought he was doing. He's a grown man FGS he knows how cars work.

I don't believe anyone here would not have got angry if someone was punching their seat and then threatened to hit them.

Some people just like being disagreeable while blaming the innocent party who happened to only swear at someone acting aggressively while you were driving him around.

Only on MN's.

Oh and NotKAteMIddleton, I'm not sure if you have children, but this is in no way comparable to what children do in cars. Children are better behaved.

For one your driving conditions were poor, dark, country lanes, car full of people and late.

My ds can chatter away to me in the back but if I say shh mummy is concentrating on driving, he gets that and shuts up.

A bit distracting having a crying baby or toddler but at least they don't square up to you, no way comparable to punching your seat to make you jump.

I think anyone who deliberately messes about in a moving car is an idiot. To do so on a dark country lane with a car full of people makes you a complete and utter arsehole.

I don't think I would have expected dh to do more than yours did, but the friend wouldn't be getting into a car of mine again.

Actually as op is 30 weeks pregnant, hitting the back of her chair was a damn stupid and potentially dangerous thing to do, what an utter twat. Pregnant or not it was stupid but a man hitting the back of a pregnant woman's chair is even more inexcusable. I'd have pulled over and told him to get out of my car the first time and probably would of found it hard to be restrained in the language I used. So I don't think you over reacted and I don't think you abu.

I think inviting a pregnant woman out for a fight is beyond shite.

You were doing him a favour and he behaved like an idiot.
When we are pregnant most of our previous risk perception shifts a bit and he threatened your safety as well as that of your husband and baby too.
He is very lucky you didn't lamp him.

I think inviting a pregnant woman out for a fight is beyond shite

And that's after punching the back of her chair a few times...

The man sounds like a dick and should've apologised. Maybe your DH could've said more in the car too.

However at 30 weeks pg I used to cry at the drop of a hat, so having someone behave like that would've pushed me over the edge too.

Next time, he can get a taxi, unless he gives you a proper apology.

YABU. Even if someone is acting like a twat it is entirely U to shout and swear at them. I think you are more in the wrong than he is.

Okay I've read the whole thread. My assessment is that your DH's friend was being a twat, you overreacted and your DH tied it all up entirely appropriately. You are well within your rights to not give this person a lift again but I think rather than dwelling on it you should just draw a line under it now and move on. People behaving badly in cars with nervous drivers are arseholes, I agree, but you need to keep reminding yourself that nothing actually happened as a result aside from you learning who you won't do favours for in the future.

If someone is acting dangerously in a car, it's worse to shout and swear at them?

If a drunken youth had pushed another across a road in a shopping trolley, causing OP to slam on her brakes, and she swore at them, would she be in the wrong then?

How about if this friend had jumped out at her in a dark, quiet alley at night shouting "run!"? Still unreasonable to shout and swear?

Shouting and swearing is unladylike.

Frightening a driver is merely a prank.