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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you expect your DH to do?

311 replies

notkatemiddleton · 28/07/2014 16:55

Last night, I went out for a meal with some friends for a friends birthday

I drove back to our house as i am 30 weeks pregnant and wasn't drinking but everyone else was (the car was full). I drove because the taxi from our house to the restaurant and back again was £50 each way. So I thought seeing as I wasn't drinking, i would save everyone (including myself) some extra cash.

During the drive back from the restaurant , in the dark, in country lanes, with me driving, when I braked to go around a corner, a friend of my DH thumped the back of my seat, violently to mimic a head hitting the back of it. He was told off by my DH as in "Come on man...." but then did it again at some traffic lights later on in the journey. I got disorientated and almost went through a red light.

We got to our destination and I screamed at him to get out of the car. He said "Hit me then". I shouted "Get out of the fing car otherwise i fing will....get out of my sight".

I went straight to bed, sobbing my eyes out, woke up the next morning and the friend was gone. DH says that he spoke to him and that he was sorry and that he shouldn't have done it. But no apology to me??

Part of me expected my DH to be a bit more brutal with him, after all i was driving.

OP posts:
MarmaladeShatkins · 28/07/2014 22:33

I've never felt iller than in my 9 months being upduffed.

I'd like to see anyone carry on as normal with SPD, chronic heartburn, vomiting for the first four months, inability to sleep, inability to walk more than 50m without your legs crying for mercy.

Anyone that says they did, without one moan, one over-reaction, one strangled sob in the supermarket as you realise you can't shift your 14 stone bulk from the cheese counter is a FUCKING LIAR.

ArgyMargy · 28/07/2014 22:37

My DH doesn't drink, so it would probably have been him driving. And there would have been no second chances - the offender would have been thrown out of the car. YANBU.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/07/2014 22:39

I'm not confident driving at night because my night vision isn't great. I would have to really concentrate on bendy country lanes with no lights on. I would REALLY have to concentrate if it was 1am. Add more concentration for the fact that all the passengers are rowdy and drunk. And now times everything by 3 because of being 30 weeks pregnant. (Have people forgotten what that's like?! You don't remember feeling exhausted if you stayed up past 11pm, or extra alert to the safety and well-being of your unborn child? Or less tolerant of twattishness? More emotional than usual?)

Considering all the above, I don't think the OP's behaviour was unreasonable. However my DH would probably have already shouted at his mate himself, probably while we were stationary as I would have stopped the car and bollocked him there and then, rather than wait till I got home.

To be honest, I wouldn't have been ferrying drunken people round at 1am at 30 weeks pregnant, I would have been tucked up in my bed asleep, so I think hats off to the OP for offering to do that in the first place. She probably won't ever offer again, and I don't blame her.

I mean, why, WHY, would anyone (even an annoying drunk) think it acceptable to scare the shit out of a pregnant woman by unexpectedly banging hard on the back of her seat (whether she was driving or not?). Fucking idiotic, thoughtless and childish behaviour, for which the friend SHOULD apologise.

This is NOT the same as handling the day to day distraction of toddlers in the back of a car - there's usually a build up to them throwing something, rather than it happening out of nowhere. Plus you are also in the mindset of having half an ear out for what they are doing or saying . Presumably a load of drunken ramblings would have been ignored by the OP who was probably just thinking of getting everyone home and going to bed.

backbystealth · 28/07/2014 22:44

My friends are a bunch degenerate pissheads who I often ferried around when up duffed.

I would have been FURIOUS and scared shitless if someone did this in the car - no matter what the intention or circumstance ie someone drunk thinking they are hilarious - it is fucking dangerous. I would have totally laid into him like you did OP.

I don't think it's fair to berate your dh or blame him in any way - though I know you have concurred on that one so really I'm just showing my support! YWNBU.

Cockadoodledooo · 28/07/2014 22:44

In answer to your initial question op I'd expect my dh to not be friends with someone who would exhibit such twattish behaviour!

I'd have called him on it (the friend, not dh), and honestly pregnant or not would have stopped the car after the first incidence. Probably with the use of the words "what the fuck do you think you're playing at?", and the assurance that if there was any reoccurrance he'd be walking.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/07/2014 22:46

NickiFury: yes, it IS bordering on misogynistic to tell a heavily pregnant woman to suck it up, I quite agree. In my family a bit of care and empathy is shown towards heavily pregnant women; you know, a bit of concern for their well being. Most women DO feel different at that stage of pregnant: knackered, not that mobile, needing a wee all the time, swollen ankles, emotional, heartburn. So while there is no need to wrap pregnant women up in cotton wool, there is still cause to recognise that they need a teeny bit extra consideration.

Original poster
notkatemiddleton · 28/07/2014 22:47

I was feeling incredibly hot and tired. Plus the couple we were with have 3 kids, god if anything had happened of been responsible for that.

I normally have some banter with him and my DH admits he takes it too far, DH met him when he was fresh out of a boys school and had zero social skills. Generally, I tend to just ignore him but he's not done this before. Not that I expect him to be sympathetic with me, but he has told me off for moaning about SPD and not walking as fast as everyone else (I'm a waddler)

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/07/2014 22:57

"he has told me off for moaning about SPD and not walking as fast as everyone else (I'm a waddler)"

Arsehole. I remember a friend being astonished that I got tired doing touristy things with her in my home city ALL DAY when she came to stay. I was 7 months pregnant and was knackered by my 2 yr old too. She couldn't believe that going up a couple of flights of stairs in the Tate meant that I had to have a sit down at the top. People don't realise....

WyrdByrd · 28/07/2014 22:58

fresh out of a boy's school and no social skills

Oh yes, I know the type and also lots of lovely blokes that went to all male schools, before anyone starts

You having a go at him may do more good than harm in the long run.

Littleen · 28/07/2014 23:02

I would have just stopped the car and refused to drive - I did once when driving drunk friends and they started taking pics with the flash on so I couldn't see anything in the dark!

I think you are BU and your DH did what was expected.

Original poster
notkatemiddleton · 28/07/2014 23:08

I'm glad there's someone else who was the same as me curlyhair. Hats off for doing this with a 2 year old and in London too. I think I'd have melted/passed out doing the commute I did 5 years ago.

I can still do everything, just a lot slower than normally.

I enjoy this guys company normally and have good banter with him. Unfortunately he took it too far this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
notkatemiddleton · 28/07/2014 23:13

PS. DH is an all boys, public school type chap too, again, before anyone starts. He cringes at this friend at times.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 29/07/2014 05:45

Agree with NickiFury and Marmaladeshatkins

Also, great name marmalade

Andro · 29/07/2014 09:34

What should have happened between:

but then did it again at some traffic lights later on in the journey. I got disorientated and almost went through a red light.

and

We got to our destination

was an instruction to get out of the car. An adult doing something so stupid would not have remained a passenger in my car, long enough to reach their destination.

OnlyLovers · 29/07/2014 10:22

Oh please just piss off with the 'banshee' comments (how sexist?) and the snide remarks about how she can't be a very confident driver.

Some right nasty arses on this thread.

Original poster
notkatemiddleton · 29/07/2014 11:24

Yeah I should have kicked him out. Would have been a short walk for him, but i would have made my point.

OP posts:
Original poster
notkatemiddleton · 29/07/2014 11:28

OnlyLovers- I agree, using a swear word twice does not equal a banshee. I am not sure how confident any driver would feel at 1am in the morning, in country lanes that they don't know very well, in horrendous heat and with 5 other drunken apes adults in the car. A certain level of cautiousness is healthy.

OP posts:
Numanoid · 29/07/2014 11:32

Wow, I haven't read everything but... Hmm

With the extra information, the guy is sounding more like he isn't a very nice person (making fun of someone for not drinking whilst pregnant is cruel). I can see why the OP was annoyed then, if he has form for being that way, and was doing it to purposefully be mean.

I probably wouldn't volunteer to drive down twisty country roads at night with a car full of drunken people. Had to do it a few times (with one sober passenger) and it's a challenge.

OnlyLovers · 29/07/2014 11:32

Also, is a man ever described as swearing 'like a banshee'? No. Utter sexism. God forbid a woman raise her voice or act unlike a laaaaaaydeee.

I'd have kicked him out. I was going to say kick him out next time, but if I were you it'd be a cold day in hell before I let him in my car again.

Sixweekstowait · 29/07/2014 12:08

So the bloke was public school as well? Do hope so, just love having all my prejudices confirmed!

Sixweekstowait · 29/07/2014 12:09

And his problem with women would be par for the course.....

BigChocFrenzy · 29/07/2014 12:17

Why is OP receiving all this criticism ?
Her swearing seems so insignificant compared to the very real risk of an accident which could affect all the occupants in the car, plus other road users and pedestrians:

An insurance company survey found
more than 100,000 accidents and 650,000 near misses a year are caused by drunk passengers DailyTel

Original poster
notkatemiddleton · 29/07/2014 12:27

BigChoc- Your stats are making me feel a little bit sick to be honest, confirms that i shouldn't have driven them in the first place. I feel so sorry for taxi drivers,for whom this is an occupational hazard most nights. However I guess they might feel more able to kick out dangerous passengers.

I am beginning to realise some Mnetters will twist or pick out any words they can to have a go. I doubt a majority of them would ever say any of this in real life.

Its very difficult to be honest as whilst this guy can be a prat when he's drunk, sometimes he's a good egg. I am beginning to tire of this though, my DH doesn't seem to get it and makes excuses for him (except on this occasion when he acknowledges he was a bit of a dick).

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 29/07/2014 12:31

I would shout at someone who did that. He obviously wasn't taking it seriously when you said stop so needed to be told firmly. He's a dick and should apologise. Don't let him in your car.

HopefulHamster · 29/07/2014 12:50

Very surprised at this thread. OP YANBU.

Someone violently hitting your headrest out of the blue is completely different to a kid kicking the back of your seat.

I consider myself a good, safe driver, but I'd still feel a tad nervous driving a bunch of drunk people back home in the middle of the night on dark windy roads - something like hitting the head rest would be a big jolt/noise that would make me automatically react in some way. It easily could've caused an accident. Swearing at him is nothing after he did it twice.

I don't necessarily think OP's husband should have done more, but the 'mate' should definitely apologise to the OP.