To wonder why some people find life such a breeze?

[superstarheartbreaker]

I dont know what is wrong with me but I have a great education but made a lot of early bloke mistakes and am struggling to establish my failing teaching career whilst bringing up dd alone. I cant getva mortgage.
Other people I know seem to have it all and find life much less of a struggle.
Im sorry for the moaning as I am genuinely greatful for the many lovely things that I have but I thibk I was far too nice in my youth and it went against me.

I think a lot of people feel like that tbh. But the catch is that someone else might be thinking the same about you!

I used to be terrible for comparing myself to other people but for the past few years I've made a huge effort not to and my outlook on life has improved a lot, even though my actual life hasn't changed much.

I'd suggest having a bit of a wallow in it for an hour then getting up tomorrow and trying to forget about everyone else, it's the only way to maintain your sanity. Good luck.

Comparing yourself with other people is the ultimate futile exercise. Nobody has a perfect life, for most people life is easier at times and harder at times and it runs in peaks and troughs. Just because you look at someone with a great job and a lovely husband, doesn't mean they aren't struggling in other ways - maybe they are having difficulty conceiving a much-wanted child (and look at your child with envy), maybe one of them has a parent who is very ill, maybe for now life is great but in 5 years they lose their job and have no savings or some other shit happens.

All you can do is take control now of the things that are in your power to change, and be grateful for the good things. Don't waste time comparing your life with others. Things change, everybody has their own troubles. Maybe not getting a mortgage is the right thing for you - maybe it will save you financial hardship and stress in a few years when the interest rate skyrockets.

You see your life from the inside and others from the outside.

It's fine to be upset or angry or regretful about any aspect of your own life but YABU to assume anyone is or isn't breezing through.

Just remember most people only air the best bits of their lives in public. They may be in a less than perfect relationship, or struggling with mortgage repayments? Just because it looks rosy for then it might not be.

To the outside world my life may seem a breeze but in reality couldnt be further from the truth. Miserable home existence. Hardly spoken to dh for 6 months and breaking my back sleeping on a sofa every night.

I feel the same way as the OP.

It's not jealousy of people's perceived perfect lives as such but the recognition that my own life would have been so much better had I not made a load of stupid mistakes and crap decisions or even had had better support as a youth!

I look at some young people and am in awe of how 'switched on' and focused they are. I just ricocheted - and probably still do - my way through my teens and 20s.

See from the outside in I'd think the same about you.

You have a job I've always dreamed of and a child I'll never be able to have. I'd think you had it all and maybe feel envious that you'd achieved so much and wonder why life had been so kind to you and not me.

Except I wouldn't think any of that because I know everything isn't how it seems for the majority of people. We can never know what struggles people are dealing with. It's a real 'grass is greener' scenario.

I agree that it is easy to think 'the grass is greener' - to most people I am sure I give the appearance of living a charmed life - comfortable home, pleasant part time job, no obvious financial worries, no obvious relationship problems - but I made two massive wrong decisions in my life which have had a huge effect on my life - but I can't turn the clock back, I have to live with those decisions and just make the most of what I have .

Some people (and I am sure you are not one of them) love to go round with a huge chip on their shoulder rather than just taking control and getting on with life - there will always be people richer/thinner/happier than you think you are - but also probably many, many more who do not have your advantages in life.

The thing about looking back at the past and thinking 'if only I'd done this or been like that' is that you then create the rest of the story in your head and of course the story takes you to exactly where you wish you were now.

Except it almost certainly would not really have worked out like that anyway.

Comparing yourself to others never leads anywhere good either because you put your focus on what they have that you don't. Instead try to focus your attention on being genuinely grateful for what you do have and improving what you can.

I know it is difficult. Feeling the way you do is exhausting and destructive because you can't change the past or what others have.

It is incredibly difficult, and I certainly know that in my case I struggled hugely with this in my late teens and early twenties - when I was at university, really.

I had a very unhappy time then as essentially I had no "home": my mother had died towards the end of my time in year 11, and my dad had spent the two years I was doing my A levels with another woman, and they had moved in together full time when I went away (family home sold) and I wasn't welcome.

The result of this was I spent the long university holidays alone and lonely in an empty house working rubbish jobs while (it seemed) my friends went home to adoring parents, excited siblings and close school friends. The contrast between their life and mine seemed so wide and of course I was still partly grieving.

I can sympathise as to be honest a lot of my friends DO have jolly nice lives, really! I'm glad for them because they are my friends of course :) and I have a really nice life as well, I know. Just the same, I'd like to meet somebody and have children with him, and this isn't easy and I wish I'd known when I was younger it would get harder the older I get!

The sad thing is inabran is that there might be just as many people envious of your single life - having a partner and children is not always right for everyone .

I am jealous of people who have no money worries and good-looking people as they seem confident.

I'm an optimist. So I tend to bob along coping and thinking positive, even if I am up shit creek. I also tend to recover fast from setbacks and don't look back very often. Nor do I worry about comparing me and mine to others.
So you might not find my life a breeze at all, it depends on your mindset. There are other people whose lives are so much tougher.

I can see where you're coming from op. I recently saw a friend of mine, and her eh. He's fantastic with her, really supportive of everything she does, and does his share with the dc. Just a loving guy, who appreciates his dw.

As you can tell, I have a twat for a h, who spends his weekends putting a stupid ball around the green. My df is in hospital, and it took him 2 weeks to bother his arse to visit him. I've worked really hard before I met dh, and he's ruined everything good in my life, and he's made it miserable for me. I see my friends and their dhs, and I'm really that their dh is supportive and home doing stuff.

I think lots of people think other people have 'perfect and easy' lives
One of my friends confided a few years ago how lucky I was and I agreed yes I am married to a lovely man, live in a big house and have two lovely children however we struggled to have dcs and had five miscarriages and all sorts of treatments to conceive, my dad has been really ill, my husband works very long hours and my dc don't see him much in the week and I haven't sleep all night in over six years so am always tired. She felt much better and within a year she met her DH and has two gorgeous little ones and her dream job. I am thrilled for her as I know she has had some really tough times but am sure other people are envious of her 'perfect life'

Maybe rag but they do have the option to leave their partner, while finding someone you care about isn't always easy :)

I know what you mean, and to some extent how you feel.

I recently found out that a lovely woman I know lives with a cruel, vile man who makes her life hell.

They are the typical "have it all" family on the surface, amazing house, flashy-ish cars. She is bubbly, really attractive, great figure, lovely personality, two gorgeous children.

You just never know.

The same with another family I know - a different set of problems altogether but, everything rosy beyond belief to the outside world and unimaginable problems to those in the know.

On the surface I would appear to have the perfect life. Great job, amazing DS, nice house and fabulous holidays. I'm always positive, organised and don't let set backs get me down.

That's 90% of the time - however I don't speak to my parents who live 20 doors away because they have taken my brothers side and will defend him constantly despite the fact that he abused me when I was younger and also his own daughter. I have had counselling for the abuse, but I still have problems getting my head around my parents attitudes. Therefore I have no family support at all. However, on a brighter note, I have some amazing friends who help me out and we are always there for each other.

I count my blessings for what I have got, rather than what I think I should have because other people have it.

When I had depression, I struggled hugely with comparisons.then one day I had this lightening bolt realisation that everyone has flaw, everyone has positives, and everyone has bad times. It was a hugely simple breakthrough for me - but I'd gone through my teens and early twenties firmly believing that I was horrible and everyone else was perfect.

I make a real effort now to make things better for myself. I'm buying a sodding bike next week, because I want to try a hobby, and I have people I can go trail riding with.. If only I ask!

I think with most things, it can all get better in small steps. I appreciate my strong points and the good in my life now in a way that I couldn't before.

I understand, I feel like I messed up my teens and 20s with dating the wrong men, now I'm 37 nearly 38 I've had MH problems and as a result never had a long term relationship.

I really envy people with husbands and children.
Yet they say they envy me for being single!
But I'm worried it's getting too late for me to have a baby.
At least you have a child, OP.

I understand how it feels to think you are failing at your career too - I messed up my nursing career due to the MH illness.
I think the best thing is to get some careers advice.

I do have a mortgage which I'm happy about and a garden I can sit out in and enjoy. I also have a lovely family & friends & a cute pet cat. So it's not all bad.

I want to give my perspective here, but I'm aware it will sound stealth-boasty or smug but here goes...

I think my life is easy. My children were conceived easily and I had textbook pregnancies and births. They're intelligent, healthy and nice kids. My husband is great, we have a nice (modest) house in a good area, no real/health money worries. We both have professional careers and while I very much coasted at school/uni, I found it easy to pass exams and got by with doing the bare minimum. In work, despite not having professional qualifications I have always been promoted beyond what my qualifcation level should permit (but I do have a quick mind and work hard now ).

Now for the downside. I have an unshakeable feeling that I haven't paid my dues. That somehow this is all hanging by a thread and I haven't suffered enough or worked hard enough for what I've got. I over compensate and try to help others meaning I often take too much on. One of my children was seriously ill recently and I truly thought it was my comeuppance - that we'd lose him. He fully recovered so I'm still waiitng for my "punishment". My husband's job was almost made redundant but he got a last minute reprieve. I'm not religious, but there's not a day goes by when I'm not thankful for everything. I'm so aware that much has been down to luck - lucky to have a certain level of natural intelligence, lucky to have met a good man at the right time, lucky to have been born with an optimistic nature (despite my morbid thoughts detailed above!).

The only thing I can put down to actual planning is stretching ourselves financially at a young age (22) to buy our first house while many of our friends went travelling but even that has some element of luck as we were able to use the equity from a booming market along with my substantial bonus to secure our dream house 2 years later. We'd never be able to buy our house now. Having said that at age 21/22 I was doing a 30 mile commute each day via bus and working 10-12 hours a day in an entry level graduate job and had been living in a grotty flat prior to buying a house, so I suppose there was some graft involved there...

So yeah, I do feel to an extent I've breezed through life, but I am struck with thoughts that it will all be snatched away as I haven't earned much of it - almost like a house of cards waiting to collapse when the wind blows a certain way.

I think its how you approach life. Are you a glass half full or a glass half empty sort of person?

If you are a glass half empty, you look at the negatives in a situation, and you wont' always follow up/take opportunities.

If you're half glass full, taking the next steps is more instinctive. You are also more likely to take chances, because you feel there is more of a chance of a positive outcome than a negative one.

You can, to an extent, retrain yourself here. Whenever you see the negatives of the situation, deliberately find an equal number of positives about it.

EG
You're alone, don't have a partner - You can make decisions yourself, and don't need to take others into consideration.

You're in a really crappy job - it's worth the risk of changing jobs, it's unlikely that any subsequent job will be as bad.

You are stuck renting and can't buy - you aren't tied to the house, and have the freedom to take up opportunities that require a physical move.

ETC.

After awhile it becomes easier to see the positives in the situation.

You need to take stock really. I am not 'well educated' in those terms, I have a part time low paid job (that I don't give a crap about and financially if I could afford to quit today I would take a hacksaw to my evil cow of a boss) but I have a fabulous DH and 4 wonderful children and I am happy because they are with me.

What's important in your life? What are your priorities? and how much of the things you are feeling like this about are actually just about how people perceive you?

The difficult times in life (relationship breakdown, bereavement, career issues, health issues) also bring great personal growth and greater wisdom once you struggle through them. So painful as it is I don't think I would wish for things to be perfect all the time.

I know a lot of people who work in the City, earn loads of money, have massive houses etc. Many of them are lonely, their relationships are falling apart because they work so many hours, they don't see much of their kids etc. I don't think their wealth and high status necessarily brings them any more happiness.

If you get a mortgage and your perfect job, and a lovely new bloke; what then? it still won't be the answer to the conundrum of life - what is my purpose, what am I supposed to be DOING with my life? How can I make sure I life my life using my talents and doing what I am called to do on this earth? What IS it that I should be doing with myself?

I want a big detached house with a garden and a new car; but I know that even if they fell into my lap they wouldn't really answer the big questions. I could have those things if I went back to work full time in my current job. However I have decided to retrain in a field I really feel called to, and forgo the garden detached house and new car, because ultimately I think doing something meaningful will be more important to me than material things.