To (usually) maintain normal bedtimes during the holidays and be annoyed that friend turned up for impromptu playdate at 7.45pm?

[plentyofpipecleaners]

DC are 7 & 5. Normal bedtime is 7.30pm. DS1 reads for anything up to 90 minutes after we have gone downstairs, ds2 tends to be asleep a lot earlier then that. Since the light nights, and especially since it has been so hot and sticky, they have been noisier after bedtime, with lots of toing and froing between the two rooms. However, we/I (h partly moved out now) tend to ignore this as long as not too rowdy - dc do not seem over-tired and the focus is on them during the day, so evenings are precious. We usually go camping (is booked this year, and the plan is to go ahead, despite separation ) and bedtimes go out the window then, but otherwise, unless there is a special reason, we stick to them and dc are fine with it, I think.

Tonight a friend, as planned, came round at 7.30 to drop off a pet I am looking after for them while they are away. They had brought their dc - the same ages as ours. They were shocked to find ours in bed and the mother, in particular, made several comments about how she expected ours to be up since it is the holidays. Tbh, even if they had been up, I would not have wanted them getting hyped up at that time in the evening, no way. Both parents were there, so AIBU to think that one could have stayed at home with the dc, or that they could at least have checked before bringing the dc round?

They spent a really awkward hour here, constantly 'shhing' their dc with pointed comments about ours being in bed etc, so that I ended up feeling embarrassed for my dc - like I have shown them up in front of their friends. They were still awake, of course, and when I went up afterwards, they were in one bed giggling about why their friends had come round 'at night'. I wonder why they just didn't come down, but they didn't.

As a side issue, am I the only parent who tries to maintain normality during the holidays - ds1, in particular, is noticeably 'older' this year then last, iyswim.

Actually, I am getting a vague recollection of this happening when I was a child and my mum coming in and whispering "do you want to get up to play?" I was reading and cosy so asked her to say I was asleep.

I loved my bed!

Yes it was PA, it implied that people who want adult time are not as caring about their family as you are. You prefer family time, good for you, but it doesnt make you a better parent.

Did I say it did make me a better parent? The world would be a boring place if everyone was the same. The OP asked if she was geing unreasonable which I answered. You seem to be taking it personally.

The concept of 'adult time' isn't a universal one though, in many European countries, children stay up til 10-12pm, eat very late with the family, fall asleep when out, this idea of children not being part of the evening would be very odd.

I used to cherish adult time when mine were very little and I did put them to bed pretty early. Now my husband works away, and I like their company. Once they are passed the age of about 8, they don't go to bed at 7pm anyway, you can't be putting them to bed at 7pm aged 10/11/12, can you?!

OP, you didn't do anything wrong, it's your household, your rules. I'm just gently suggesting that the sky may not fall in if you had handled it differently and gone with the sociable opportunity that presented itself. If you don't want to, and feel too exhausted, that's entirely reasonable. You have to live life the way you can cope with. I don't think they were being inconsiderate by rocking up at 7.30 though with the children in tow, this is not late evening and they probably just imagined it would be a quick in and out with the children around, if in pajamas. I do think they should have beat a hasty retreat though, once you had said the children wouldn't be coming down.

I agree OP, it's very rude. I actually put my pyjamas on when the kids go to bed, so if anyone did happen to drop round, they'd get the message pretty quickly I reckon! And I make no apologies for not offering a big friendly open house, where children stay up till midnight, and people drop in and drink wine any time. I'm a worn out middle aged working single parent, and when the kids go to bed I clock off from socialising for the day. I challenge anyone to walk a mile in my shoes and not feel the same!

Bogey face I agree.

OP YANBU.

I would have a very similar situation to the one you describe. It wouldn't be a chilled out scenario watching them play in blissful peace and harmony. It would be the exact opposite!

YANBU. DS1 (10) took himself to bed at 8:15, tonight.

Apart from when coming down with a nasty virus or on the last day of KS2 SATs, my 11 year old has never been in bed before 8 p.m.at the very earliest, so I can't really say what I would have done anyway.

I do think the other couple should have checked if it was ok to bring the kids with them first though, as that would have put the ball back in your court.

Never spoil the bedtime routine. I can't risk it.

7.30 during the summer is pretty early so I don't think it was unreasonable of your friend to turn up at that time. Having said that if I turned up at someone's house and their kids were in bed I'd make sure I didn't stay long. On balance though I do think perhaps you should loosen up a bit and let them play out a little later during their holidays,

I don't think you are unreasonable, although I live in a place where it's always dark by seven, so I don't have personal experience of this.
I would have been very annoyed in your shoes. It would have been reasonable for you to say something to your friend such as "well i won't invite you to stay for a cuppa tonight as we're all rather tired and planning an early night"

If people are concerned about kids missing the daylight - in the summer it gets light nice and early, and my kids are up to see it. Would it be OK for me to visit a friend at 6am? After all, it would be a shame for their kids to miss out on those lovely summer mornings! And if they don't like it, well, they should loosen up, it's summer.

They could have mentioned they were bringing them. You could have said not to come at that time. Its not really a big issue. I think its natural for people to assume others do the same as them though. You assumed they wouldn't bring kids as bedtime. They assumed kids would be up as holidays. Neither of you is wrong, just doing things differently. Not sure you can complain about friends comments:
she assumed they would be up as holidays - obviously, hence she brought hers
She shushed her kids and asked to be quiet as yours in bed - they were. Would you rather they didn't do anything and kids really noisy?

I think she should have left when she realised that a social visit clearly wasn't on the cards, especially as OP was doing her a favour looking after her pet.

When my older boys were little I worked and they went to holiday clubs so had to be in bed at their normal time. This is my first summer as a SAHM so ds3(8) is going to bed when we do. He doesn't need a huge amount of sleep but is still asleep now. If he still woke at six I would probably rethink it. It's what works for each family.

I think its cruel to put children to bed so early in summer holidays :(

YANBU. Your friends were rude. I used to love reading in bed before I went to sleep. Nothing wrong with that.

Well she wouldn't have needed to keep shushing them had they just left, rather than staying for AN HOUR.

I am in awe of all these children who magically need less sleep just because of the date on the calendar.

Yanbu at all that would annoy me. I do try to jeep to bedtime routine in the holidays as dd has ASD and needs routine.

YANBU, we pretty much stick to routine too (which incidentally is virtually identical to yours, same ages too). We don't worry about the odd late night - neighbour's housewarming saw them awake til around 11pm but they are early risers and no matter what will still be up at silly o'clock - even after said housewarming they were up at 7 and are then likely to get grumpy later in the day, so it's important to get them to sleep at a decent time.

I would be very if friends turned up in the evening, fair enough if they are more relaxed, if that works for their DCs then great, but it's common sense to check that sort of thing before turning up isn't it?

My 2 boys would always happily sleep till midday once they were about 5 so they would unr have 'slept it off' after a late night. DD not so much - she's up with the lark like me, so tended to take herself up to bed regardless of term time or not. Of course if you have to work and your children need to go to a holiday club or some such, it's more or less the same as going to school so I guess routines are still needed.

However I don't think your friend was unreasonable - she didn't know your routines and she didn't exactly demand you got your kids up to play with hers.

Cruel!?

But why did OP arrange for these people to come over at that time if she was putting the dcs to bed ?

I think it really depends as others say on whether the whole family can go onto "holiday" time. Ours are on this now, we all came back from the day out at 8:30pm then had dinner, played cards and went to bed around 10:30pm. First one has just got up, poor dh was out the door by 7am, but roles are reversed tomorrow and he gets the lie in. ;)