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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is this an affair!?

58 replies

Aberdeen3 · 27/07/2014 14:17

I love my husband. Not married long. The other day I met up with a guy from work on a night out (lots of work people there) and we just hit it off. Nothing happened, but I have since met him for a drink (didn't tell hubby). Again nothing happened but he has said he finds it hard to be good around me and if I "just say the word" he will cut all contact. I feel terrible. I'm an adult ffs, why am I behaving like a 15 year old!! I need you to tell me to grow up. I have a great hubby, lovely home. why has my head been turned so much that I can't stop checking my phone or can't even eat!! I won't be working with this guy as he has moved to another part of the company. But I miss him. What the hell is wrong with me!? Even if I was single I know this would never work out with this guy, its just he represents youth and freedom and no responsibility. I am a piece of shit. Feel free to say it.

OP posts:
MuttonCadet · 27/07/2014 14:22

Cut contact, no good can come of this.

For future reference, if you are doing something that you're uncomfortable telling your DH about - don't do it.

SomethingAboutNothing · 27/07/2014 14:24

What Mutton said.

DaphneMoon1 · 27/07/2014 15:14

I reckon you're bored by married life (do you feel like the passion is gone and replaced by friendship?) and this guy has turned your head.

Don't go there. You have too much to lose and it's not worth it. You can put the spark back into your relationship with your husband if you try. All relationships go through lulls like this but friendship and trust and being close becomes more important than sex and lust.

Joysmum · 27/07/2014 15:17

The easy way to tell how bad this is is to imagine that this OP was written by your DH about an ex of his.

How would you feel?

How would he feel if he read your opening post knowing you felt like this?

You're not respecting your husband or your marriage.

Original poster
Aberdeen3 · 27/07/2014 15:45

I would die if my dh wrote this. I know I'm being an idiot. And I know I don't ever want to lose what I have now. I have had my head turned. I have discovered someone fancies me and it has made me act like a complete fool. I'm scared and sad and also feel like I don't want the feelings this man makes me feel to go away either.

OP posts:
OnaPromise · 27/07/2014 15:53

He is a shit bag, he is trying to seduce a married woman.

Cut contact now, or you will absolutely live to regret it.

Original poster
Aberdeen3 · 27/07/2014 16:48

part of me is trying to tell myself I'm not doing anything wrong. But I know I am. Even meeting him innocently is not innocent. I'm tempting myself more and more. The guy is handling it much better, he or course has nothing to lose. I have no intention of doing anything. but I don't want to never speak to him again. Does this happen people?? Am I doing something really terrible or can I actually be friends with a guy I fancy?

OP posts:
OnaPromise · 27/07/2014 16:54

Not until you don't fancy him any more, you can't. Not while he is encouraging it you can't.

If you don't want to fuck up your marriage, you will have to prioritise it over this ''friendship''. Sorry, this is not want you want to hear.

yellowdinosauragain · 27/07/2014 16:56

Stop being so naiive. You're already having an affair with this man. Just because you haven't slept with him doesn't mean this isn't an affair. He is getting all your emotional energy that should be directed to your husband.

If you're serious about not wanting this to go anywhere then cut contact now. Delete his number, email and any messages from your phone and delete and block on facebook or any other way you have of getting in touch with him. Then focus all the energy you've been giving to this into your marriage.

If you don't you are saying that this affair means more than your husband. You can't have both. End it now, or be honest about the fact that you want this man and leave your husband before you cheat on him properly.

AnnDaloozier · 27/07/2014 16:57

he still has skid marks in his pants

yellowdinosauragain · 27/07/2014 16:59

And don't kid yourself this is friendship. That is bullshit. You want how good the sexual chemistry makes you feel. Not his conversation. You can't be friends because it's not his friendship you want.

You are not a bad person for having your head turned. You would be a bad person if you aren't honest with yourself about what is happening and put a stop to it right now.

Fairenuff · 27/07/2014 17:01

Why don't you cut all contact then, as he has already suggested?

ChoccaDoobie · 27/07/2014 17:02

You are not a piece of shit. You have bumped into someone and found there is a spark. You were wrong to pursue that and arrange a drink, that was dishonest. However, it is not an affair imho....yet. You fancy each other and would like to shag him, that is it. It isn't anything more than that, don't turn it into anything deeper in your head. No, you can't just be friends with someone you so clearly want to sleep with if you are not single.

Cut all contact imediately. .

AnnDaloozier · 27/07/2014 17:02

I remember my dad once saying " you dont stop falling in love with people because you are married, you just learn not to act upon it"

OnaPromise · 27/07/2014 17:03

If you don't cut contact it's because a bit of you wants to keep a chink of the door open to the full blown affair. You must be honest with yourself about this.

fairylightsintheloft · 27/07/2014 17:04

I think "already having an affair" is a bit harsh to be honest. OP you are flattered and responding to entirely normal reactions when there is an attraction between two people. You are not a "shit bag". However, if you are serious about your marriage then you DO need to cut contact with this guy. Don't try and fool yourself that you'll just be mates. I have no issue with mixed sex friendships / solo dinners and drinks with them etc but only if its clearly established as platonic - otherwise you will end up doing something you regret. Assuming you do cut contact I would personally also NOT tell your DH. There is simply no need for him to know about this total non-event and you will move past it quicker if it is not a "thing" between you.

yellowdinosauragain · 27/07/2014 17:04

I remember my dad once saying " you dont stop falling in love with people because you are married, you just learn not to act upon it"

^This

ChoccaDoobie · 27/07/2014 17:08

I agree Ann and Yellow. It is human to feel a spark of attraction between yourself and someone else. It's a totally different thing pursuing that. You will regret it if you do OP, I can say that almost without a doubt. You describe your marriage as happy, please don't throw that all way with some silly flirtation.

yellowdinosauragain · 27/07/2014 17:09

why has my head been turned so much that I can't stop checking my phone or can't even eat!!

The OP said this^

Which is why I said that the OP is already having an affair. She might not have shagged him but her head is so full of this man that she can't stop checking her phone and can't eat. She has met him for a drink and not told her dh. And (her words) 'would die if dh wrote this'. If this isn't an emotional affair, which imho can be just as damaging as shagging someone, then I don't know what is.

The OP isn't a shit. She is human and has felt chemistry with someone who is not her husband. There is nothing wrong in this... yet. What is wrong is not being honest about where this is going and not cutting contact.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/07/2014 17:36

OnaPromise
"He is a shit bag, he is trying to seduce a married woman."

Its not all one way, and lets remember the tag line from when this is the other way round "he isn't the one that vowed to love, honour etc." (paraphrased)

OnaPromise · 27/07/2014 17:41

Yes that's because I misread the OP. I have no idea what kind of person he is.

OnaPromise · 27/07/2014 17:46

Also was trying to put her off him, but the skid marks thing is better

Norklessnora · 27/07/2014 17:50

I have felt how you feel. Does this man think that you may possibly be open to an affair? You are not a shit. But don't ruin your marriage for something that ultimately would be a one night stand (and let's be honest, probably a shit one)

Original poster
Aberdeen3 · 27/07/2014 17:54

I think the guy is a nice guy, I do. He has not made any moves and has said that we just have a connection that he would never act on, and he feels that being my mate is a better answer than us never speaking again. so I do think it is me that is the one with the problem. I feel a thrill when I hear from him (which isn't all that often). He said if I want to cut all conatact he will. But I don't want that. not because I want sex with him, Its not even like that. Have u ever met someone (male or female!) that u just really hit it off with and you feel like you should've always been friends, that's how this feels. only I fancy him, as in I want to hold his hand or give him a kiss when he is being funny. Its not seedy, it really isn't.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 27/07/2014 17:55

Ann Your father was a wise man!

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