is this an affair!?

[Aberdeen3]

I love my husband. Not married long. The other day I met up with a guy from work on a night out (lots of work people there) and we just hit it off. Nothing happened, but I have since met him for a drink (didn't tell hubby). Again nothing happened but he has said he finds it hard to be good around me and if I "just say the word" he will cut all contact. I feel terrible. I'm an adult ffs, why am I behaving like a 15 year old!! I need you to tell me to grow up. I have a great hubby, lovely home. why has my head been turned so much that I can't stop checking my phone or can't even eat!! I won't be working with this guy as he has moved to another part of the company. But I miss him. What the hell is wrong with me!? Even if I was single I know this would never work out with this guy, its just he represents youth and freedom and no responsibility. I am a piece of shit. Feel free to say it.

[Aberdeen3]

But I love my husband and this goes against everything I want to be

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

If its not seedy, then invite DH along, show him your texts and you can all be friends, right?

[ShakesBootyFlabWobbles]

As everyone says, there is nothing wrong with finding people attractive just because you are married. It is what you do after that (or don't do) that matters.
The thing is, you don't suddenly go from desk to bed with an affair (yes I know there will be a minority who'll say 'I did' but I don't mean you ).
There are usually several classic behaviours you go through before you get to the sex which you are doing: the secret meeting up for a drink without telling your husband (lying by omission), secret communicating on the phone/computer that you wouldn't want your husband to see; you've told each other about your feelings about each other; you both know it is 'wrong'. You're past about four or five of the seven steps to an affair (Relate's list).
This is only going in one direction. Stop the secret behaviour now, put it down to a life experience and that next time it happens (and it will), you will know to slam the brakes on much earlier and keep things at the friendly but not secret from your husband level it needs to be. Miss him. Grieve what may have been. Then be happy that you've dodged a bullet and focus your love on your husband.
If you can't, then you need to let your husband go so he is free to find someone who wants to be only with him.
Very best of luck.

[yellowdinosauragain]

Really Aberdeen stop being so naive. He hasn't got anything to risk by being friends. You have. Be honest to yourself. You can't be friends with this man while you have these feelings for him. If you do you are having an emotional affair. Be honest, how would you feel about your dh having this connection with someone else? You're being totally disingenuous saying it would be the same if he was a woman, it wouldn't because the sexual chemistry wouldn't be there.

Really, stop kidding yourself.

And this comes from someone who has many many male friends and whose dh has female friends. You can be friends with someone of the opposite sex. Close friends even. Not when they're making your heart race with a simple text or putting you off your food with infatuation you can't.

[Fairenuff]

He said if I want to cut all conatact he will. But I don't want that

Why not? This would obviously solve your 'dilemma'.

Such a simple solution and yet you don't want it?

I think this is one of those threads where you just want to drone on about him and drag others into your sad little fantasy. You're not looking for advice OP, just an audience. Yawn.

[yellowdinosauragain]

Cross posted with shakesbooty who speaks a lot of sense. Listen to her.

[Aberdeen3]

Thank you everyone. I know, I know. I just wanted to hear it from someone. I love my husband, I don't want to hurt him and I need to stop this before there is something I really do have to tell him. I am so grateful to those of you who have had similar experiences. I really feel terrible that I am so easily misled. The guy in question is not worth giving up all this for, and he is so young that it's not like he is my soulmate, just a weird attraction. I am the one with the responsibility, the ring, the husband. I need to stop it all and not him. I just feel a sadness, not that Im not gonna get some cheap thrill, but because this guy could've been a friend had I not been such an idiot

[AnnDaloozier]

yeah he is getting a cheap thrill out of leading a 'Milf" on

[phantomnamechanger]

You have already been less than honest with your DH and yes IMO this is already an emotional affair. I would be devastated if my DH behaved like this. You are flirting and allowing yourself to enjoy being flirted with & flattered. You are excited and thinking about this man when at home with your DH. Stop it now if you value your marriage.

How well do you even know this man - maybe he has a thing about getting it on with every woman at work? Maybe you're not that special to him but just the next one on his list? Maybe he likes the thrill of pulling the forbidden fruit?

[Aberdeen3]

I needed to hear some of this, its so true, I don't know him very well. Maybe he does have a thing for ladies a few years older, hell maybe its even a bet I don't know anymore. But I do know I feel a complete fool

[magpiegin]

If you want to be friends with him them invite him out with you and your husband. If you can't tell your husband then it is seedy. I have a feeling this isn't going to end well.

[Viviennemary]

You aren't having an affair as nothing happened and you've only met him twice. But stop now before it does develop into something as you've said you're attracted to him. Better to cut off contact completely IMHO.

[yellowdinosauragain]

You aren't a fool. You would be if you don't cut contact...

[Aberdeen3]

Ok I am going away with my husband soon for a nice long holiday. I will grow up and put all my energy into my family. I think some of this is also down to the fact I am struggling to conceive and feeling a bit worthless, not an excuse just the more I think about it the more I don't even know what I see in this guy, hes lovely, but then so is the shop keeper in Tesco, wouldn't go sneaking off to meet him. Ah its like a weight has been lifted, thank you everyone, just sometimes need to hear what u don't want to believe

[ChoccaDoobie]

Good plan Aberdeen3. I didn't mean to make you feel seedy, what I was getting at was that you are attracted to this man in a way that is not platonic (wanting to hold hands and kiss him) he has acknowledged this chemistry already by suggesting maybe there should be no contact.

Obviously you like him too and find him good company but if there is this much of a physical attraction it is not a good plan to carry on meeting him. One of my best friends was in a very similar situation, she was totally infatuated with this guy, he kept engineering ways for them to meet and she was very flattered by him. I remember talking about it to her one whole summer and telling her to offload on me but NOT to act on her feelings. Time passed, she never made a move, she probably barely remembers him now. Like you she had been having a tough time in her personal life and had been seeking some excitement and a way of making her feel better about herself.

Well done for being strong and sensible. I think you know you have made the right decision.

[scaevola]

The "connection" that "you wold never act on" is a terribly common start to an affair.

Would you be happy to tell your DH about your contact with this man?

Yes? Then tell him, keep him in the picture, sometimes all go out together.

No? You've crossed more barriers than you think already.

[ChoccaDoobie]

Well put scaevola.

[ShakesBootyFlabWobbles]

Sorry to hear you are struggling to conceive, that is stressful. Share with your husband how low this is making you feel and discuss what you could do together to help you while you feel down.

You are not a fool, you recognised something was wrong, asked for advice and say you are going to take action to put things right. Sounds pretty sensible to me.

We all screw up now and again, put this down to experience and go and have a great holiday.

[areyoumymother]

I also think you need to cut all contact. It's a shame when you feel as if you could have been good friends. But marriage is forsaking all others and this is a situation where that definitely applies, given your feelings. I know from personal experience that infertility is awful and does leave you feeling sexually empty...the idea of killing that pain with an exciting crush would be terribly tempting. But I can't help feeling that your DP is probably finding it tough going too. In his shoes, I'd feel very insecure and angry if you were pursuing a friendship with this underlying dynamic. Surely he needs you to stand by him, putting that energy and availability into the marriage? But you already know this. I won't deny the situation sucks...but hopefully you'll learn from this and not let it go so far again. Then it shouldn't hurt so badly another time. Good luck with your hopes for a baby. I got pregnant when the doctors told me there was no hope whatever...don't give up.x

[LiveLife1]

Aberdeen3

You only live once... That is one life only and you wont get the chance to re-live missed opportunities to feel good about yourself. All you have with this friend of yours is a close and honest friendship that allows you some time for YOU. You don't have to feel guilty about that or having something your DH does not know much about.

I'm sure there are plenty of people on here who will prophesise a great catastrophe about your friendship with this bloke, telling you how selfish and dishonest you are. But you must take your own judgement into account, I bet your friend counting on you being able to make decisions on your own. You are an adult after all; you deserve to be able to do whatever is right for you.

[LiveLife1]

As for "Is this an affair" my answer would be NO.

Since when has any friendship been classed as an affair? All relationships have the potential to lead on to other things... Does that mean we all have to mistrust and protect ourselves from everyone we might "fancy"??? Just incase we might not be able to contol ourselves. Seems a bit of a sad way to exist to me!

[LuluJakey1]

You are not listening to the advice.

Being happily married does not mean you never feel attracted to or develop feelings for someone. Being grown up means you stop it happening. So insist on no communication. Detach yourself. Put your energy into your husband and marriage.

Grow up and stop making something big out of a flirtation.

[LuluJakey1]

Oops sorry - missed the last page- you are listening to the advice.

Now just do it! We all get flattered but you know what you are risking and what is right. Detach, detach, detach!

[maddening]

Imo it sounds like this man is playing you to seduce you - yes there's a spark but all the " just say the word and we'll cut contact" is creating drama which can be quite exciting and alluring.

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

Shirley Glass 'Not Just Friends'.

This book shows very clearly how this kind of emotional affair can happen and she gives a few pointers for how to stop it going any further.