is this an affair!?

[Aberdeen3]

I love my husband. Not married long. The other day I met up with a guy from work on a night out (lots of work people there) and we just hit it off. Nothing happened, but I have since met him for a drink (didn't tell hubby). Again nothing happened but he has said he finds it hard to be good around me and if I "just say the word" he will cut all contact. I feel terrible. I'm an adult ffs, why am I behaving like a 15 year old!! I need you to tell me to grow up. I have a great hubby, lovely home. why has my head been turned so much that I can't stop checking my phone or can't even eat!! I won't be working with this guy as he has moved to another part of the company. But I miss him. What the hell is wrong with me!? Even if I was single I know this would never work out with this guy, its just he represents youth and freedom and no responsibility. I am a piece of shit. Feel free to say it.

[kittykatsforever]

Is it an affair yet.... No
Is it likely to if you continue contact with him, I'd bet amost 100% yes!
I've sat through a friends journey almost identical to this even the TTC part which was ultimately what made her unhappy and looking for an ego boost but in the end her husband found out and they split, it later transpired the work friend had been seeing a few girls at the same time ( you'd never in a million years have guessed had you read the stuff he'd written and he used to text her 100's if times a day, you'd never thought he'd find time but he did and it almost caused her marriage. She was lucky, she managed to save her relationship but it's rare to get a second chance!!
A month after they reunited after they agreed to investigate the TTC issues she found she was pregnant, it can take a long time TTC and takes it toll On Everyone but don't let this cause your whole life to unravel! It's not unusual for it to take 18 months on people with no issues

[MissingDietCoke]

this could have been written by me a few years ago. I had an amazing connection with a colleague that could so easily have gone further. I cut all contact, it was the only way I could save myself and my marriage. my relationship with my husband went from strength to strength when I concentrated on it and it was the best thing I could have done, I'd advise you to do the same, hard as it may be. all the best.

[EarthWindFire]

It is stressful for you whilst TTC, but it is also stressful for your DH. How would you feel if he was doing what you are?

If its not seedy, then invite DH along, show him your texts and you can all be friends, right?

This about sums it up for me.

[blondebird69]

OP - you are not being a shit bag! It is easy to settle into a routine with married life and at some point the passion you felt at the beginning settles into comfortable and friendship as well as love and marriage.
You met someone who makes you feel good about yourself and makes you feel alive and attractive again - that's not to say your DH cannot make you feel like that again.
The fact that you have met him for a coffee and not told your DH is not good because it is secretive and although innocent if it was innocent wouldn't you have told him ?
I think you need to cut contact and work on your marriage and get the spark back. Plan a date night together.
I have been married 12 years and love my DH to bits. I work with someone I find really attractive (much younger) and we laugh and flirt but it is harmless and I would never do anything about it, meet him etc because I love my DH and would never jepodise my marriage.
Someone in one of the previous posts said imagine how you would feel if it were the other way round and your DH writing the post.
Good luck hope it works out x

[SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker]

I think you've got some really good advice and I second Shirley Glass as a great resource.

Nobody says that you can't have male friends, just that once you have taken steps towards an affair it is very hard to safely go back to being friends again. That if you are doing something you don't want your husband to find out about, there is a good chance that you are on the wrong track.

[musicalendorphins2]

Would you want your husband to be posting this about a woman?
Do you want an open marriage?

[kiwimumof2boys]

A friend of mine was in the same position as you about five years ago - secret texts, etc - then she finally caved in and slept with him.
She lost everything - other man saw her as a one night stand and immediately avoided all contact with her, her lovely husband left her, and she left her job because it was so awful working with said man. It took her a couple of years to get back on her feet again.

Let that be a warning to you !!!

[FizzyMummy]

My blood ran cold when I read your post because I was you.... a few years ago...and let my story be a warning to you.

I hasn't been married long but had been trying to conceive for years. I was depressed and suicidal because of it (although not an excuse for what I did).

My first love got in touch with me through Facebook. I fancied him like mad when I was 14 but we never got together. We started out much like you, 'innocent' meet ups etc. He left his wife and we started a full blown affair. I used to 'work late' or 'overnight' a couple of times a week and stay at his. The sex was absolutely amazing. I did things with him that were so dirty it makes me blush to think about it. I loved him because he was an escape from my life that had become mundane and sad because of fertility problems (my husband's).

I didn't use contraception and was sleeping with my affair man and my husband. Heck, I would have slept with a whole rugby team at that dark time in my life if it meant getting pregnant.

And guess what....I got pregnant!! It changed things completely for me. I never saw affair man again and devoted myself entirely to my husband. The guilt was enormous and I can never ever forgive myself. I realised that I loved my husband completely.

I have no idea who is the father of my beautiful DD although she has the look of the affair man. My husband knows nothing and my DD is his world. We now have another child conceived naturally with my husband. I have nearly told him the truth a few times but couldn't do that to my children. We are now a little happy family and no one knows my secret. I shall have to live with it forever.

Please don't do it.

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

Shirley Glass 'Not Just Friends'.

This book shows very clearly how this kind of emotional affair can happen and she gives a few pointers for how to stop it going any further.

[maddening]

Imo it sounds like this man is playing you to seduce you - yes there's a spark but all the " just say the word and we'll cut contact" is creating drama which can be quite exciting and alluring.

[LuluJakey1]

Oops sorry - missed the last page- you are listening to the advice.

Now just do it! We all get flattered but you know what you are risking and what is right. Detach, detach, detach!

[LuluJakey1]

You are not listening to the advice.

Being happily married does not mean you never feel attracted to or develop feelings for someone. Being grown up means you stop it happening. So insist on no communication. Detach yourself. Put your energy into your husband and marriage.

Grow up and stop making something big out of a flirtation.

[LiveLife1]

As for "Is this an affair" my answer would be NO.

Since when has any friendship been classed as an affair? All relationships have the potential to lead on to other things... Does that mean we all have to mistrust and protect ourselves from everyone we might "fancy"??? Just incase we might not be able to contol ourselves. Seems a bit of a sad way to exist to me!

[LiveLife1]

Aberdeen3

You only live once... That is one life only and you wont get the chance to re-live missed opportunities to feel good about yourself. All you have with this friend of yours is a close and honest friendship that allows you some time for YOU. You don't have to feel guilty about that or having something your DH does not know much about.

I'm sure there are plenty of people on here who will prophesise a great catastrophe about your friendship with this bloke, telling you how selfish and dishonest you are. But you must take your own judgement into account, I bet your friend counting on you being able to make decisions on your own. You are an adult after all; you deserve to be able to do whatever is right for you.

[areyoumymother]

I also think you need to cut all contact. It's a shame when you feel as if you could have been good friends. But marriage is forsaking all others and this is a situation where that definitely applies, given your feelings. I know from personal experience that infertility is awful and does leave you feeling sexually empty...the idea of killing that pain with an exciting crush would be terribly tempting. But I can't help feeling that your DP is probably finding it tough going too. In his shoes, I'd feel very insecure and angry if you were pursuing a friendship with this underlying dynamic. Surely he needs you to stand by him, putting that energy and availability into the marriage? But you already know this. I won't deny the situation sucks...but hopefully you'll learn from this and not let it go so far again. Then it shouldn't hurt so badly another time. Good luck with your hopes for a baby. I got pregnant when the doctors told me there was no hope whatever...don't give up.x

[ShakesBootyFlabWobbles]

Sorry to hear you are struggling to conceive, that is stressful. Share with your husband how low this is making you feel and discuss what you could do together to help you while you feel down.

You are not a fool, you recognised something was wrong, asked for advice and say you are going to take action to put things right. Sounds pretty sensible to me.

We all screw up now and again, put this down to experience and go and have a great holiday.

[ChoccaDoobie]

Well put scaevola.

[scaevola]

The "connection" that "you wold never act on" is a terribly common start to an affair.

Would you be happy to tell your DH about your contact with this man?

Yes? Then tell him, keep him in the picture, sometimes all go out together.

No? You've crossed more barriers than you think already.

[ChoccaDoobie]

Good plan Aberdeen3. I didn't mean to make you feel seedy, what I was getting at was that you are attracted to this man in a way that is not platonic (wanting to hold hands and kiss him) he has acknowledged this chemistry already by suggesting maybe there should be no contact.

Obviously you like him too and find him good company but if there is this much of a physical attraction it is not a good plan to carry on meeting him. One of my best friends was in a very similar situation, she was totally infatuated with this guy, he kept engineering ways for them to meet and she was very flattered by him. I remember talking about it to her one whole summer and telling her to offload on me but NOT to act on her feelings. Time passed, she never made a move, she probably barely remembers him now. Like you she had been having a tough time in her personal life and had been seeking some excitement and a way of making her feel better about herself.

Well done for being strong and sensible. I think you know you have made the right decision.

[Aberdeen3]

Ok I am going away with my husband soon for a nice long holiday. I will grow up and put all my energy into my family. I think some of this is also down to the fact I am struggling to conceive and feeling a bit worthless, not an excuse just the more I think about it the more I don't even know what I see in this guy, hes lovely, but then so is the shop keeper in Tesco, wouldn't go sneaking off to meet him. Ah its like a weight has been lifted, thank you everyone, just sometimes need to hear what u don't want to believe

[yellowdinosauragain]

You aren't a fool. You would be if you don't cut contact...

[Viviennemary]

You aren't having an affair as nothing happened and you've only met him twice. But stop now before it does develop into something as you've said you're attracted to him. Better to cut off contact completely IMHO.

[magpiegin]

If you want to be friends with him them invite him out with you and your husband. If you can't tell your husband then it is seedy. I have a feeling this isn't going to end well.

[Aberdeen3]

I needed to hear some of this, its so true, I don't know him very well. Maybe he does have a thing for ladies a few years older, hell maybe its even a bet I don't know anymore. But I do know I feel a complete fool

[phantomnamechanger]

You have already been less than honest with your DH and yes IMO this is already an emotional affair. I would be devastated if my DH behaved like this. You are flirting and allowing yourself to enjoy being flirted with & flattered. You are excited and thinking about this man when at home with your DH. Stop it now if you value your marriage.

How well do you even know this man - maybe he has a thing about getting it on with every woman at work? Maybe you're not that special to him but just the next one on his list? Maybe he likes the thrill of pulling the forbidden fruit?