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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not attend family lunch due to distance?

87 replies

Hickorydickory12 · 27/07/2014 08:26

We have been invited by dh family to a birthday lunch next month. I feel it will be too much to do. We would have to travel there and back in one day (4-5 hr round trip) with a 1 yo, 5yo and 7yo. Then sit down for a lunch lasting around 2 hours.
It is dh uncle birthday (60) and his family will be there. I'm not sure if iabu, but to spend 2 1/2 hours in the car travelling with the dc and then sit down for a lunch (and keep a 1yo still and happy) then drive 2 1/2 hours home afterwards is going to be too much for us all.
Do you think iabu to politely decline. I think the uncle will understand, but I suspect mil will sulk as she just expects us to do these things and doesn't understand how exhausting it can be.
Any honest thoughts?

OP posts:

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain · 27/07/2014 11:03

What is a flash restaurant?

hamptoncourt · 27/07/2014 11:13

No I would not go. It sounds like it will be miserable for you. If Dh wants to go alone then great, if not, he can contact MIL and tell her it is inconvenient for you to make such a journey that weekend.

It sounds like you have your hands full, don't allow yourself to be bullied.

Good luck.

FryOneFatManic · 27/07/2014 11:17

Flash restaurant = posh restaurant. I got the impression it was a posh restaurant the family were going to so I thought these kind of place don't cater for kids very well (they don't round here anyway).

diddl · 27/07/2014 11:22

Your husband doesn't want to go so you have your answer there tbh.

Just say "no can do".

Why would not going make him look bad, & so what?

We all have different levels of what we would/wouldn't do for various people.

Preciousbane · 27/07/2014 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manchestermummy · 27/07/2014 11:30

I wouldn't even entertain it. Send apologies and don't go. Let your MIL sulky (do we have the same MIL?)

We were once bollocked by my FIL for not attending his DB's birthday party. We were completely unreasonable for not going. The reason? I had given birth to DD2 that morning. Not a good enough excuse apparently...

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 27/07/2014 11:45

I did used to accept these sort of invites when my 3 DC were very young. The day was really busy, especially so as when I got back home it got even busier sorting out hungry, tired DC. Now I look back I am pleased I made the effort . Two of my aunts died at 60 and 64 and I am glad I went to the family parties/dos. My DH's family 3 hours away and mine 2.

WilburIsSomePig · 27/07/2014 11:46

Well we had a similar situation a couple of years ago for my uncle's 70th. It was a 6 hour round trip, the children were hot and tired by the time we got there, DD was so fractious that I spent most of the time walking up and down outside with her while DH tried to keep DS entertained. It was awful, a waste of money for us in petrol and a waste for my uncle to pay for meals we didn't get the chance to enjoy.

brandis · 27/07/2014 11:52

In my personal experience, if there is an event that involves effort and I am not sure at the outset whether I want to go or not and begin weighing pros and cons - if do go, in retrospect I am always glad I did. Especially if it concerns family. OP, you say your relationship with your DS's relatives has not been brilliant - but every meeting represents a chance for them to improve.

I would go and find a way to manage the long trip and the young kids (it was always doable when my two were young, even when we didn't have a car). But then I don't have much family left so treasure those who are still there.

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain · 27/07/2014 11:52

Doh, of course that's what it means I actually googled it because I was thinking it was some sort of pop up restaurant.

brandis · 27/07/2014 11:53

*DH's relatives, not DS's of course.

Mordirig · 27/07/2014 12:05

I wouldn't go either tbh, sounds like hell.

Ilovenicesoap · 27/07/2014 12:13

Just decline as you have already committed to something else - send nice card wishing him well.
Sorted !

Holdthepage · 27/07/2014 12:27

Would you go if it was your uncle's 60th? If the answer is yes then you should go.

PhaedraIsMyName · 27/07/2014 12:40

Depends on the family dynamics and whether it was for a member of my family or partner's family. I probably wouldn't, especially if the relative was one of husband's family.

Original poster

Hickorydickory12 · 27/07/2014 12:54

I feel as though I should go. But then they've never come to see dc4 since he was born and they are retired.
The last time I saw this side of dh family was when their was another lunch and we did the 5 hour round trip with 3dc and me heavily pregnant.
I just feel as though it is now expected of us and with 4dc and both working, we try to make life easier. And this is one of those occasions where I feel the answer should be no.
I will do all the hard work (and dh) and pil will expect us to travel and have 3 happy kids on arrival!

OP posts:

mommy2ash · 27/07/2014 13:01

I would go. when it's family and especially a significant birthday I wouldnt even think about not going.

Of course the venue is going to be close to the persons whose event it was. they aren't going to cook a meal near you and schlep the rest of the family two hours in the other direction.

EthicalPickle · 27/07/2014 13:06

I would politely decline. You could offer to meet in the middle for lunch at another time.
It's too long in the car just for a meal.

zipzap · 27/07/2014 13:17

I'd just tell them that you can't make it as you already have plans for that day - you have to travel to pick up dd1 and you'd planned to do [something for the other kids] en route / while their big sis was away, that they would enjoy but she wouldn't as it's too babyish for her.

Wish the uncle a very happy birthday - will anyone have a smart phone with them that you could skype into the event to be there virtually for a few minutes?

And say that you're sorry, even if you didn't have to pick up dd1, it's just too far to drive for little ones, especially if they have to arrive and sit down to eat, there's no chance for running around etc. And that it's unfair on the kids and on the birthday uncle and other guests to expect them just to sit quietly after such a long drive in a formal restaurant.

Suggest that you meet up half way for an informal celebration with the uncle on another weekend day maybe - then at least you could aim for somewhere just an hour or so away from you, the kids wouldn't have to be in the car for so long, you wouldn't have to worry about other guests etc etc.

And if you invite them to your house and they decline on the basis of it being too far -then they can hardly complain if you decline on the same basis! Especially with kids - travelling with young kids is much worse than for adults travelling the same distance!

MaryWestmacott · 27/07/2014 13:31

Say no, send DH on his own if he wants to go, but "no, 3 hours each way with the 1 year old to go somewhere that's not child-friendly would be a disaster. He wouldn't sit still during the meal and will probably ruin it for everyone else. Having looked, it's not like there's a play area or a garden he can go to so we can stop him ruining it for everyone else. It's best we don't come and spoil an adult event." (repeat often the words 'ruin' and 'spoil' the event, reinforce the idea that the children won't just not like it, they will activiely spoil it for everyone else).

In order to 'head off' upset by MIL, get your DH to call his uncle and explain this, with an added invitation to come to your house for lunch one day for a separate birthday celebration. Then when DH tells his Mum, he can explain why you declined and get in first with "and of course we've invited Uncle to us for a second birthday lunch, we're just trying to find a date he can do." (if it doesn't happen because his uncle doesn't want to come to yours, that doesn't really matter, you've offered).

GnomeDePlume · 27/07/2014 13:41

In these circs I wouldnt be offering up too much in the way of explanation. A simple 'sorry but too long a trip for DCs' is quite sufficient.

IME offering up too much of a reason results in people offering up ever more complicated arrangements to make it possible.

60th birthday isnt that big a deal. Close family only (and for me close family doesnt include uncles).

Ilovenicesoap · 27/07/2014 14:04

Just say you are busy rather than its too much for the DC ,as this stops your MIL trying to guilt you into going.

Dittomark · 27/07/2014 14:27

Wild horses won't drag me there.

Cockadoodledooo · 27/07/2014 16:45

I wouldn't go unless I could travel up the night before. Arriving after a long car journey and expecting children to be well behaved/sit still/be sparkling company isn't fair on them imo. Travelling home after the lunch would be ok though.

CheerfulYank · 27/07/2014 16:53

I have a one year old myself and wouldn't be going. It's not the drive, it's keeping her entertained at the restaurant. I actually did a 5 hour round trip with her, my DS, and a friend. We went out to lunch (which was fine), played by the lake (which was also fine) and then went to dinner, which was NOT fine. She couldn't really run around and was screaming and annoying people and I had to keep taking her out...ugh. Wasn't fun. I'd send DH and the other DCs if I were you.

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