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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not attend family lunch due to distance?

87 replies

Hickorydickory12 · 27/07/2014 08:26

We have been invited by dh family to a birthday lunch next month. I feel it will be too much to do. We would have to travel there and back in one day (4-5 hr round trip) with a 1 yo, 5yo and 7yo. Then sit down for a lunch lasting around 2 hours.
It is dh uncle birthday (60) and his family will be there. I'm not sure if iabu, but to spend 2 1/2 hours in the car travelling with the dc and then sit down for a lunch (and keep a 1yo still and happy) then drive 2 1/2 hours home afterwards is going to be too much for us all.
Do you think iabu to politely decline. I think the uncle will understand, but I suspect mil will sulk as she just expects us to do these things and doesn't understand how exhausting it can be.
Any honest thoughts?

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 27/07/2014 08:55

They haven't really thought it through. BIL and SIL once did a version of this to us - a family meal in a completely child-unfriendly pub we had to do a three hour round trip to with two kids and a baby (actually probably longer than that as there was a bit of traffic, plus it was a bit hard to find).

We got there and there was no high chair, no baby changing facilities, and no garden for the kids to let off steam in - we ended up taking it in turns to cross the road and use a play park opposite, which meant between us we missed a lot of the meal anyway.

We had thought because it was a restaurant type pub they would at least have a high chair somewhere, or BIL and SIL would have told us if there wasn't so we could bring something. Also I ended up changing DC4 on the floor of the ladies' toilets, which were not the cleanest - I am quite intrepid but I hate that kind of thing, if I haven't had warning and I have been led to believe a modicum of planning has gone into the outing by the lead organisers. They have two (older) kids, by the way - they just didn't give any thought at all to our needs on this occasion.

And we were fucking dive bombed by wasps the whole time and DC2 got badly stung.

And they wonder why I avoid family outings ...

Mixedupmind · 27/07/2014 08:55

Does your husband want to go or is he not fussed wither way?
If it were me I would head off early that morning, find a park / play area for the kids for an hour or so before the lunch.
Although saying that, if they've been rude and horrible to you anyway I wouldn't go through all the effort and if my husband wanted to go he could, and take the kids with him if any of them wanted to :)

amyhamster · 27/07/2014 08:57

Stay over at MILs

ilovesooty · 27/07/2014 08:57

Well you've obviously already decided you don't feel like going and it's too much effort. How do your husband and the older children view it?

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/07/2014 09:01

Erm, 2.5 hours there, 2 hours meal, then 2.5 hours back for a meal...nah thanks. And I don't have 4 kids.

And in August in potentially the hottest summer in years. I'll pass.

If they are more keen to see you - how about having the meal halfway between them and you?

Original poster

Hickorydickory12 · 27/07/2014 09:02

Lunch will be paid for by uncle which is kind.
Dh doesn't want to go, but doesn't want to look bad.

Family have never met dc4 (he is 20 months). We have done similar lunches before travelling to them when I was 7 months pregnant. Pil live elsewhere about an hour away from us.

I feel as though we've set a precedent, but I've reAched a point where it's too much now with a large family. None of dh have ever come to see us in one day (hence why they've never met dc4) but I understand because it's too far!

OP posts:

Iownathreeinchferrari · 27/07/2014 09:04

I wouldn't do it. If I could sleep over one might then I would

Mammuzza · 27/07/2014 09:06

No I would not go. It would be uncomfortable and extremely tedious for the kids, trapped in a car for hours, with just a break of "trapped in a resturant" in between. And by extension not a lot of fun for you and your DH.

If people want kids there, then the event has to be set up taking into account factors that render it more child/family friendly. Otherwise, unsurpisingly, it may decided that there is too much pain, very little gain, and it gets skipped.

I'd leave your DH to explain the obvious, that 6-7 hours of being in a car/resutrant is too much discomfort and tedium for the kids. If the other adults don't place any importance on that, in contrast with placing major importance on their own disappointment that the children won't be, then they are expressing their priorities. Fair enough. But they shouldn't then get upset if the message of "us first, you and your tinies last considerstion" is heard and understood.

Parental priorities are, and should be, on the kids' needs before adult wants. And regardless of any fall out, that is where the line in the sand has to be. So, no, I don't think it is mean or selfish of you two to give this a miss.

Iownathreeinchferrari · 27/07/2014 09:07

If they had been really keen to meet up, they would have found some where mid location. If they had been prepared to travel an hour each way, meaning you would only need to travel an hour and a half each way, it would have been more doable

Iownathreeinchferrari · 27/07/2014 09:08

Just say its too far to travel in one day but if they would like to meet at a mid point sometime, that would be great

MagratsHair · 27/07/2014 09:11

Good post Mammuzza

ilovesooty · 27/07/2014 09:11

So your husband doesn't want to go either. Perhaps he needs to explain the difficulties involved to his mother. If they were so keen to see the children they could at the very least have thought about a venue which would have accommodated them.

Mintyy · 27/07/2014 09:14

No, I think it is absolutely fine for you to say "Thank you very much for the invitation. We wish we could be there but unfortunately the distance just makes it impossible for us. Hope you all have a lovely day."

There's nothing more to say, don't worry about it.

MsVenus · 27/07/2014 09:22

Can you travel the day before & stay in a hotel? We have a family wedding a 2 hours drive away next month and I booked a travel lodge for 29. Have a look at a premier lodge or similar. I do think its nice for the younger generation to socialise with the older generation.

Jinglebells99 · 27/07/2014 09:23

I would suggest that your dh goes to his parents and goes with them to the lunch and you stay behind with the children and pick up dd1.

Original poster

Hickorydickory12 · 27/07/2014 09:29

Unfortunately, we can't go the day before due to other commitments.

OP posts:

magpiegin · 27/07/2014 09:30

Personally I would go and stay in a travelodge or similar the night before but if you and your husband don't want to go, then don't. Tell mil the truth, it's a long journey with the young children. Tell her that if the family want to meet the youngest then you are free to do something on xyz date later in the summer?

SevenZarkSeven · 27/07/2014 09:34

Well none of you want to go so don't go! As it's dh family he can phone uncle say sorry can't make it and field anything from oil also.

SevenZarkSeven · 27/07/2014 09:34

Pil not oil

petalunicorn · 27/07/2014 09:41

ok so your dh doesn't want to go. That's fine, don't go. Sometimes extended families get too big to manage and a branch is cut off and I think that is what you are doing here.

neverputasockinatoaster · 27/07/2014 09:45

We often travel for two hours to meet up with family BUT we go to the house, there are other children there that my kids adore and children running around being children is very much a part of what makes the day brilliant.
In your case OP I wouldn't be inclined to go. Or I'd do what a pp said and go the night before so my children could run off steam before the meal.
We recently had a meal for my Mil's 80th birthday. They chose a relatively child friendly venue and I had a bag of stuff for DD and DS to do. We had also been out during the day so DCs had lots to tell uncles and aunt. It was a lovely meal. However it his taken us a few years to get to this point. DS has an ASD and it has taken a few years for this to be accepted. He made conversation for a while and then retreated into his book.

CruCru · 27/07/2014 09:57

Nope, you're not going. But you need to say so now.

ZenNudist · 27/07/2014 10:06

I would go in your circs. Providing it's not a frequent occurrence. 60 is a big deal. He's been kind enough to spring for a flash lunch. When you get to 60 wouldn't you like your family to make an effort?

We only ever do this kind of family get together every few years. I remember making a huge effort to go to my aunts 60th birthday. She died of cancer shortly after. I'm glad I was at that event. It marked me out as one of the family. Showed I cared.

Conversely on the same morbid theme. We have dh's uncle & aunt 6 hour trip away in Devon. She is long term ill. We didn't go and see them, despite them asking, for 2 years after I went back to work I just didn't have the time in my life to schlep down there with young dc. Then dh's uncle died and we hadn't even known he was sick. He left us a significant inheritance. I feel forever awful that we didn't see him again. He might not realised we cared about him.

If I were you I'd make sure your dh went and preferably took the 2 available older dc. Send sincere apologies for you and baby but you didn't want to ruin the meal with a grizzly tot!

muffliato · 27/07/2014 10:25

I would not go. The family is obviously not very close considering they have not not met you 20 month old.

FryOneFatManic · 27/07/2014 10:58

So it might be a 60th birthday, but I would be sending my apologies in these circumstances.

PIL who haven't made the effort to come and have seen the youngest
5ish hours in the car round trip, not good for small children
Flash restaurant and small dcs,
And needing to be back to collect oldest DC from camp on the same day.

And in August, so making a car journey even worse with the heat.

Nope, wouldn't happen here, I'd be sending apologies, along with a nice card and gift.

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