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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not attend family lunch due to distance?

87 replies

Hickorydickory12 · 27/07/2014 08:26

We have been invited by dh family to a birthday lunch next month. I feel it will be too much to do. We would have to travel there and back in one day (4-5 hr round trip) with a 1 yo, 5yo and 7yo. Then sit down for a lunch lasting around 2 hours.
It is dh uncle birthday (60) and his family will be there. I'm not sure if iabu, but to spend 2 1/2 hours in the car travelling with the dc and then sit down for a lunch (and keep a 1yo still and happy) then drive 2 1/2 hours home afterwards is going to be too much for us all.
Do you think iabu to politely decline. I think the uncle will understand, but I suspect mil will sulk as she just expects us to do these things and doesn't understand how exhausting it can be.
Any honest thoughts?

OP posts:
QueenAnneofAustriaSpain · 27/07/2014 08:31

I know it is a 'family' lunch so you may not feel able to do this, but is there anyone who could have your 1 year old for the day - your parents if they are about abd able.

On occasion DH had taken older DC and I have stayed at home.

It may well defeat the purpose though, so I think it would be ok to decline if you feel it will be too much. I would say DC3 doesn't travel well (he doesn't). I am sure they will be fine.

BattlestarSpectacular · 27/07/2014 08:33

Depends on your and your family dynamics really. We went on 4 hour round trip yesterday with 4 dc 8, 6, 4 and 4 m to uncle's 70th and stayed for about 3.5 hours.

We made the effort because we wanted to see the family as we don't meet up often. If you see yours regularly, or you don't want to see them, don't go. Just be careful not to avoid things because of the effort involved, eventually everything can seem an effort.

sonlypuppyfat · 27/07/2014 08:33

It depends how much you enjoy there company. If it was my family I'd struggle to walk down the street to spend time with them.

Buttercup27 · 27/07/2014 08:36

It depends. Will your 1 yr old sleep in the car? Is there a play area at the restaurant where they can let off steam when you arrive before you sit down for lunch. If yes then I don't see a problem
If no it could be a real hassle.

Original poster
Hickorydickory12 · 27/07/2014 08:37

We don't have anyone to have dc3. It may be me, I just can't face 5 hours round trip and then a sit down lunch entertaining the children when they'll have been sat on the car.
We also need to be back home for 6 ish to fetch dd1 from camp, so we can't hang around too long after lunch either.
What shall I say to mil about not being able to go. I think she expects too much of us and whereas previously we just do it, the older (and more tired!) I get, I'm learning how to say no more if it doesn't suit !

OP posts:
FrankSaysNo · 27/07/2014 08:39

I would send your DH by himself and stay at home. A little white lie such as motion sickness in the heat ....

HicDraconis · 27/07/2014 08:39

I think YABU. If it were your own uncle having a significant birthday at a similar distance would you attend?

I'd be very sad if my sons wouldn't come to a family dinner because their wives didn't want to go.

Original poster
Hickorydickory12 · 27/07/2014 08:41

It is a flash restaurant. Not particularly child friendly (as in children will need to sit down etc), def no play area.
Family are nice. Although tolerable relationship with mil and fil. And will feel a little aggrieved, as mil will want to play happy families and make out how wonderful everything is, when they show no interest in me at all.

We will travel in morning. Baby normally sleeps after lunch but will prob fall asleep in car on way.

OP posts:
SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 27/07/2014 08:41

I think your DH should go; but if you don't fancy it, stay at home.

sonlypuppyfat · 27/07/2014 08:41

What shall you say to MIL? Is she the boss of you? Who on earth expects anyone to drive miles and miles in the summer heat just for a meal come on get real.

Ronmione · 27/07/2014 08:42

I think Yabu, what does your dh want to do. If it's a case of travelling could your dh not go alone and dc's stay with you.

Original poster
Hickorydickory12 · 27/07/2014 08:44

I feel it's too much for us all at the moment. We have 4dc and we both work. I feel exhausted.
I prob Abu, but I just don't feel like going to a family lunch far away.

OP posts:
insancerre · 27/07/2014 08:44

Can dh not go on his own?

Original poster
Hickorydickory12 · 27/07/2014 08:45

Dh could go alone but I doubt he'd want too. That is an option though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hickorydickory12 · 27/07/2014 08:47

Mil will want the dc to go. I think she is already disappointed that dc1 can't go. If I'm honest I hate the idea of playing happy families for her when pil are often so rude.
God I sound like a bitch!

OP posts:
DuckandCat · 27/07/2014 08:48

Don't go OP. DH can still go and give the 7yo the option of gong or staying home .

MagratsHair · 27/07/2014 08:49

It doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs to me.

Phone the uncle & apologise & explain why you can't make it, buy a card & gift to send in the post.

Your DH tells mil that you are not going/only he is going as its not in the best interests of your children & that everyone will have a much better time without tired, heat crazed, hyper children there.

museumum · 27/07/2014 08:49

Even with one child we couldn't really do this the way you describe. We would have to go the night before or very early in the morning then have a play or sightsee after the journey and before the lunch. Depending on the timing of the lunch, ds would maybe be needing his nap already by the time the food came.

petalunicorn · 27/07/2014 08:49

If you're going to say no, you're going to say no. Just be aware that plenty of other people would go in these circumstances and that will affect how your DH family feels about it.

Did you move away? If so, rightly or wrongly I think there is more emphasis on the people that moved away to maintain the relationship. Do you see them much usually? Both affect how unreasonable you would be to stay away.

Personally I would think about how to make it work, yes long trips are horrible with a 1 year old. In these circumstances I would get up super early and go somewhere in the local area where they can run, we have National Trust membership and that works but we have also just looked on google maps to find decent looking parks, commons etc and gone there, then go onto the lunch, then it seems like a day out rather than lots of sitting round being good. I also wouldn't feel obliged to stay for long after the lunch.

JenniferJo · 27/07/2014 08:50

I would go in your place but you seem to have decided not to before posting.

Does your DH want to go?

museumum · 27/07/2014 08:50

Is there a train? We could do by train and it would be fun. It's just car journeys that are hellish for my nearly 1yr old.

Pinkje · 27/07/2014 08:52

Have you already said you would go? I guess your MIL will be annoyed at that if it is fancy restaurant and she now has to say there are 5 less people coming. A 5 hour car journey is expensive though, could you say you just can't afford it. (Is she paying for your lunch?).

ExcuseTypos · 27/07/2014 08:53

Does any of the dc want to go? If the 5 or 7 year old want to, I'd let DH take them and you stay at home with the baby.

If he doesn't want to go with one of the dc then just all stay at home.

ENormaSnob · 27/07/2014 08:54

I wouldnt go tbh.

londonrach · 27/07/2014 08:54

Tbh I'd stay overnight the night before. We just had a family get together. It happens far less than we like due to distance but making the effect is worth it. Only you know if you want to go. The travelling is a red herring. If you want to go and see them you make the effect.