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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent my baby

77 replies

OlderMummy1 · 25/07/2014 23:54

I tried to find an appropriate 'baby' section on Mumsnet to post this in but couldn't. I know I'm BU. I know I'm the most awful person in the world for feeling like this.

I love my 2 year old DD completely and utterly. Every moment spent with her is a delight. Having my 5 month old DS has ruined my life and has been a terrible mistake. I had another child despite it being a hard road for us because I didn't want my DD to be alone in life when anything happened to us. But every day my DS has been here has detracted from my DDs life. I'm always messing with him, I never have much time for her. She has speech delay and needs more input from me, probably something else I'm managed to do wrong.

With my 'D'S it has been traumatic birth, intolerances, severe reflux, losing weight, poor feeding. Latest thing is he has absolutely no schedule as I can't get him into one no matter how hard I try. He never naps for more than 20 mins so is constantly tired. He sleeps a bit better at night but I never have more than a 3-4 hour stretch.

I have so many things I want to do with my DD. Her babyhood will soon be gone and she will have missed out on so much. I look at this screaming, miserable thing next to me and I hate him.

How can I fix this apart from give them to someone who actually deserves them?

OP posts:

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 25/07/2014 23:57

See your GP and tell them how you are feeling.

Do you think you may have PND?

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 25/07/2014 23:59

and
You might be expecting people to say this but do you think it's PND? Have you spoken to anyone about this IRL? If not PLEASE do, do not suffer in silence and don't beat yourself up either it's not your fault you feel this way

CaptainSinker · 25/07/2014 23:59

You sound tired and overwhelmed. You really need to talk to your GP or Health Visitor. You've lost sight of things, please try to get help for your sake, and your two babies.

BlinkAndMiss · 26/07/2014 00:00

Oh OP, you need some support. You don't hate your new baby, you sound like you might have PND which can be sorted out. Have you spoken to anyone about the way you feel? It's not surprising that you feel this way with very little sleep and two little ones needing so much attention.

Speech delay is not your fault, you haven't done anything wrong. There was a thread somewhere about this the other day and people posted some useful links regarding catching up and developmental stages. I'm on my phone so can't link but it was something about being 'written off academically'. The poster on there will have some insight into how you feel.

Do you see the HV or Dr?

Original poster

OlderMummy1 · 26/07/2014 00:01

I have no idea if I have PND. All I know is that if someone could have him, even for just a few weeks, I'd be happy

OP posts:

BlinkAndMiss · 26/07/2014 00:01

Cross posts - but this should reinforce that the way you feel is so, so common and you can get help to feel better.

Hugs to you OP, that must have been a hard post to write.

Original poster

OlderMummy1 · 26/07/2014 00:02

The other poster about speech delay was me

OP posts:

BlinkAndMiss · 26/07/2014 00:02

You'd be happy because you'd get a break, which is what you need. Do you have support at home from anyone?

TeaFor6 · 26/07/2014 00:04

Please, please don't suffer ths alone. See your GP, they should be able to refer you to someone who can help (and if they don't, keep pushing until someone does). You won't be the first mother to feel this way and you won't be the last, but with the right help you will be able to enjoy the lovely family you have.

Do you have a partner/family/close friend you could talk to?

BlinkAndMiss · 26/07/2014 00:04

Oh I didn't realise - I read the links as my DS has similar, they were useful for me. I think you need to see the Dr about PND, it might help you to,feel more positive, it must be hard to see the positive when you feel so overwhelmed with everything. Your post really helped me, I was very grateful :).

Lagoonablue · 26/07/2014 00:05

Get some help from someone. Go to GP. Ask a friend to look after him for a bit in the day.

Phone these www.familylives.org.uk. They have a help line 24 hours day.

Your kids need you. Your little boy needs his mum. Please ask someone to help you asap.

weatherall · 26/07/2014 00:05

You aren't getting enough sleep so no wonder you feel like this.

I had a similar experience with a difficult refluxy second DC. My solution was to pay for her go go to a childminder 2 days a week. It was expensive and didn't completely solve the problems but I don't think id have coped without a break.

Original poster

OlderMummy1 · 26/07/2014 00:06

My husband does what he can but he works long hours. My family are of the stoic variety, i.e, I should be glad I've got them, lots of people wish they could have children, you were depressed when you couldn't have children so why on earth are you still depressed etc.

OP posts:

Bluecarrot · 26/07/2014 00:09

Oh OP. So sorry to hear you have had such a hard time with your new baby. I also think you need to see a dr urgently. I did after the birth of my first dd because, like you, I put myself under immense pressure.
Dd2 is 6 months now and I'm so much more relaxed. If she wants carried, she goes in the sling, if she's crying and I should be making dinner, I know that beans on toast with cheese is perfectly acceptable for now.

Do you have anyone to take him for a little while? A partner, parents, in-laws or friends? Where are you? There may be sure start or similar in your area.

gamerchick · 26/07/2014 00:10

Yes it's time you saw your GP.. be totally honest.

To your baby you are the center of his world.

SaucyJack · 26/07/2014 00:10

You don't need to have PND to not enjoy parenting a miserable baby who won't sleep. It's bloody hard.

Hang in there tho. As he grows and develops a little personality of his own you'll soon find the good outweighs the bad. Hopefully anyway!!

Original poster

OlderMummy1 · 26/07/2014 00:12

I go to all the baby groups (some Surestart ones) with my DD. I traipse him along with me but usually spend more time messing with him than doing things with my DD. Life just feels completely shit. Every day is drudgery and the only thing to look forward to is him getting bigger although then my DD will be older as well and I will have missed all this precious time with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

OlderMummy1 · 26/07/2014 00:14

To be honest I'm scared of seeing my GP. I'll be labelled a shit mum and probably will only have to be in A&E for a general toddler accident and social services will be involved.

OP posts:

DoJo · 26/07/2014 00:15

Have you told your family exactly how you are feeling, or have you glossed over it or minimised how you feel? Because it would take a lot for them to be stoic if they realised that you are really struggling rather than taking a bit of time to adjust to having two - is it possible that they might step up if they realised just how you really feel?

Either way, I wholeheartedly agree with all the previously posters who have suggested that you seek some outside help. Do you have a local children's centre or somewhere that you could just turn up and speak to someone who might be able to at least refer you to more specialised support? Are you breastfeeding? Do you think that help with that might make your son more likely to settle? Breastfeeding groups are usually pretty supportive and I'm sure there would be someone who could lend you an ear, even if it wasn't strictly feeding related.

I really feel for you - it sounds as though you are really having a hard time and I hope you can find some support to help you through it.

Bluecarrot · 26/07/2014 00:16

Have you tried a sling at all? Dd2 gets put in hers when I need time with dd1, need to cook or do laundry etc.

Maybe focus on things you can do with both children. Eg reading books, singing action songs. Will your DS sit in a highchair and observe you and dd at the kitchen table?

Original poster

OlderMummy1 · 26/07/2014 00:17

Failed at breastfeeding with both of them. Both lost weight despite habinh a lot of milk. Spent months seeing anyone and everyone who could help me before giving up when their weight had dropped to the 0.5th percentile. I realise now that it was probably my diet as baby is lactose intolerant and on Neocate milk.

OP posts:

Thenapoleonofcrime · 26/07/2014 00:19

You won't be labelled a shit mum, quite the opposite, it is at the GPs or HV's that they investigate PND and treat it. I used to worry the same, I was seen by a dr about PND (although I didn't have it) and they were extremely nice and helpful.

You do need help though that's the best thing you can do for your dd.

scottishmummy · 26/07/2014 00:19

Print your op on thread,take to GP.get some support and help
This feels v difficult,its hard.help and support is available to you via GP
You may require community support,but it'll be specific for yiur recovery and parenting

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 26/07/2014 00:20

In the nicest possible way (I honestly don't mean this to sound arsey) if you don't want to see your doctor then what do you want to happen op?

Nothing will change unless you set it in motion. I've had depression, as have many others on here, and you need you take that first step towards getting better.

TenMinutesEarly · 26/07/2014 00:20

Go to your GP. They won't judge you they are there to help, you won't have any labels attached. If you have PND you are sick, in the same way that someone who has the flu is sick. This is a hard time for you but it will pass.

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