To resent my baby

[OlderMummy1]

I tried to find an appropriate 'baby' section on Mumsnet to post this in but couldn't. I know I'm BU. I know I'm the most awful person in the world for feeling like this.

I love my 2 year old DD completely and utterly. Every moment spent with her is a delight. Having my 5 month old DS has ruined my life and has been a terrible mistake. I had another child despite it being a hard road for us because I didn't want my DD to be alone in life when anything happened to us. But every day my DS has been here has detracted from my DDs life. I'm always messing with him, I never have much time for her. She has speech delay and needs more input from me, probably something else I'm managed to do wrong.

With my 'D'S it has been traumatic birth, intolerances, severe reflux, losing weight, poor feeding. Latest thing is he has absolutely no schedule as I can't get him into one no matter how hard I try. He never naps for more than 20 mins so is constantly tired. He sleeps a bit better at night but I never have more than a 3-4 hour stretch.

I have so many things I want to do with my DD. Her babyhood will soon be gone and she will have missed out on so much. I look at this screaming, miserable thing next to me and I hate him.

How can I fix this apart from give them to someone who actually deserves them?

My ds had additional needs & speech delay and was two when my dd came along. Initially I wasn't thrilled, felt similarly to you but in the long term it was for the best. My dd has reallt spurred him on, he felt a bit left behind by her progress and really made an effort to catch up. The healthy rivalry really made a difference to him.

Please see your GP.

I have 3dc very close in age (13 month and 22 month gaps) and the older two have had delayed speech. My littlest doesn't, and that is a crucial point as he has had less very focused attention and more tv than the others, purely because he was the youngest of 3 and I has less time, but was also more relaxed. The speech delay is not your fault. I used to blame myself and think it was because I'd had another baby too soon, but dc3 has shown me that it wasn't anything I had done or was doing. Dc1 is absolutely flying now - he's just finished reception with a glowing report and is exceeding expectations in literacy and maths. Don't think that what your dd is doing or not doing at age 2 will define her forever.

I had pnd after dc2 - she was very poorly as a baby and once she'd got better and the adrenaline that had seen me through the illness wore off, I fell into a bit of a pit. Talking about it helped immeasurably - please seek help.

And to add - my dc are 5, 4 and 2 now and adore one another. It has been hard having them so close, but it is really paying off now - they have a fabulously close relationship. I juggle things carefully so I get a good chunk of alone time with each if them.

OP, as a HCP please go see the GP or HV, it's what they're there for, it's part of their job to help, incase you do have pnd. Even if you don't, you're struggling and you need support. You're not a shit mum, because you've realised something is wrong, you just need to do something about it, access the help available. No-one is going to make you feel shit or phone SS, why would they? It's perfectly ok to ask for help.

As for the lactose intolerance, I have a DS who is dairy intolerant and was on Neocate as a baby. It's bloody hard work having a baby with reflux and poor feeding. I totally sympathise. Lactose is in breast milk naturally so there's not much you could have done about that! Until you know of course so don't beat yourself up.

Give yourself a break, get some support, let people help you.

Ah god, you poor thing. I have only one child and I remember the first few days and weeks as horrific. Seriously, if someone had offered to take him away, I would have handed him over.

I was diagnosed with PND and my dh ended up doing most of the night feeds as I was just bloody exhausted after an emergency section and an illness during the birth. Birth was traumatic and baby spent ten days in SCBU.

When I got home, he would not sleep for more than 40 minutes at a time and would then be up for hours. It was horrendous. I just wanted to push him out of the window at one time.

Finally, after about three months, he started to sleep through and I got a bit of my sanity and life back.

Would recommend speaking to your HV or community midwife. They are very used to dealing with new mothers who are struggling and it is nothing to feel ashamed of.

See your doctor as soon as you can, be completely honest about your feelings - nobody can help if you don't tell.

I had pnd following my first baby, he had reflux (both my boys did) and it's exhausting, I know exactly how you feel.

Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed, you are not the only one who has ever felt this way - it can change, you just need to take that first step and tell someone (the hardest step).

I echo what everyone else says - please get help. But I'm also going to strike a slightly different note, while making it clear that I am in no way condemning you. The contrast in the way you speak about your dd and your ds is very striking. I had mine 2.4y apart and worried very much in pregnancy and in the first few weeks of dc2's life about the impact it would have on dc1. But it didn't develop into this. The danger is that, while your feelings may pass as dc2 grows, they may not, and these early months may always colour your attitude to him, which would be terrible for both your children. I was also struck by you saying that you effectively had ds as a sibling for your dd rather than for his own sake. So while I see that you are having a very tough time, and have nothing but sympathy for that, I would be concerned about the potential for this to become something deeper and would urge you to confide in your GP and perhaps ask for a referral for counselling.

I really feel for you. I had 18 months between my two and my second had reflux and cried for nearly six months solid. Would never be put down anywhere, slept dreadfully etc etc. I resented the lack of time I had with my toddler, she switched allegiance to my husband because she knew she couldn't get enough attention from me and killed me that she cried for him at night not me. I felt little bond with my youngest, and felt we'd made a terrible mistake having them so close.

Now he is 8 months and an angel. Once weaning started and he started sitting up unaided (about 7 months) the reflux disappeared and he is so happy. Smiles all the time, content to be left alone, sleeps through and loves being with his sister. The first six months seem like they were a dream. (And my eldest is back to liking me again!)

As others have said, you must go and see a GP now. But I promise it will get easier. The first year is so difficult even with an easy baby. With a difficult second baby it's just pure hell. But try to remember you've had a child, who just happens to be a baby temporarily. You've got all the fun things to look forward to - they're not babies forever. (And contrary to what some people think, not everyone enjoys the baby stage - lots of people hate it and just get through it)

God PLEASE go to the doctors. People will only want to help you I promise.

what kind of practical solutions might work for now? do you have a family member who can take ds for an hour or so while you do an activity with dd? or can you afford a nursery or childminder for a few hours for him?
in a couple of months things will be much easier. you sound knackered and stressed. i was like this. i remember thinking i had ruined ds' life.no. i had just changed it. now he is roaring with laughter playing with his younger brother. life is not perfect. there are advantages to siblings as well as the odd 'hard work' part of dividing your attention
act like you adore the baby and it will come in time
but look for help for now, even if just a few hours off

Thank you everyone for your replies. Last night was a very bad night and I was so tired. My DH gave me a lie in and then took DS swimming so I had 2 hours with my DD. We had a lovely time doing some crafts. DH then had DS for the bulk of the day after I told him I was not coping. I was able to have a good nap when my DD napped and woke up feeling much better. We then all went to a local Fayre for a few hours and DS just kicked happily in his pram the whole time.

He had been getting better but has suddenly got very cranky this last week. My DH thinks it's the heat affecting him so I'm hoping it's just that, although he has never been a great sleeper.

I had some nice cuddles with DS tonight before putting him to bed.

The other thing I am finding stressful is that I had been swaddling him (with a safe arm swaddle) and rocking him to sleep downstairs before carrying him up to bed asleep. The HV told me off for this so I've been putting him down awake and unswaddled. He has been screaming the place down every sleep time. I feel awful leaving him crying so pop back every few minutes to stroke his face, pat him and put his dummy in. He's not really getting any better and i dread sleep times. The HV said that he needs to learn to get himself to sleep else he'll never be any better at sleeping and will always need me to rock him to sleep which I can see her point.

Everything seems so hard and like I am just muddling through without a clue of what I am doing :-( I often think, I used to be a high flying, successful woman...how have I been reduced to this??

He won't always need you to rock him to sleep - if swaddling and rocking works for you now, then keep doing it until it stops working for you.

It's not always going to be like this - they learn to sleep eventually - normalcy will return.

Get to the doctors and off load on here or with friends. Many of us have been through this. The very early years can be isolating and relentless and exhausting but it will get better.

He's only 5 months old, if you want to rock him to sleep then do so. My DS was cuddled to sleep for months, he got there eventually. Do what works for you.

Your health is as important as your baby's - if putting him down awake is not helping you it wont be good for him.

OP - the rules by which we achieve success in the (for want of a better phrase) 'outside world' are nothing like the situations we negotiate with young children. There often aren't logically progressing, instant fixes. Pretty much all of us find ourselves muddling through to a degree. And sometimes things are at their toughest when we go from one child (on whom we can focus most of our attention) to multiple children.

Please ignore your HV (who has no right, incidentally, to 'tell you off' as if you were a naughty schoolgirl). He is far too young (IMO and E) to be learning to get himself off. Look up the 'fourth trimester' theory. Your ds is not long out of that. Seeking proximity to one's caregiver, particularly in sleep and when dropping off, is an extremely effective evolutionary survival strategy. I fed my two to sleep until they were at least two - can't remember exactly now - and they learned to drop off by themselves in their own good time. For a while I sat by their beds, then they no longer needed that. I will admit I was a fully paid-up advocate of the attachment school of doing things, so I was quite able to shut out all the voices warning me about rods for backs and similar. What matters now, as a pp said, is that rocking and swaddling works for him and for you - and not doing it leaves you stressed, so it makes perfect sense to do it.

i really would ignore any advice which ends up making life harder. just go with what works for you. or get the hv to move in if she wants things done her way

I could have written your post about a year ago. I had DD...wow, what a beautiful baby and words can't express how much I love her! I had another baby for her really..a friend. BUT my DS was an awful sleeper....three hours at most at night and no naps at all. He was cranky and just not content. It really put an awful strain on our family.

But now.....my DD and DS are best friends. He sleeps throughout the night and he is brilliant and I love him. The play so well together and they are MAD about each other. It really is worth just hanging in there Older. Just hang on!!

Oh yes...I too feel every day I am muddling...I used to manage two hundred people and here I am struggling with three little children. It is TOUGH. They don't call it the hardest job in the world for nothing.

Could you compromise by swaddling and getting him sleepy but putting him down before he goes into a deep sleep? Mine would usually cry 5/10 mins at the sheer annoyance of being out down semi awake but they got better after a couple if weeks

Is your little one still suffering with reflux etc? I found my DS never settled properly until his medical issues including reflux were properly treated which took over a year (he is two). The resulting sleep deprivation almost drove me out of my mind and I remember feeling resentful at times. That on top of caring for a toddler must be so tough. Do get support from your Dr for you and DS. Oh, and ignore the HV on the swaddling! I hope everything improves for you soon

ignore the bloody health visitor.

baby needs sleep and comfort. you are his mum. do what works.

actually just write that somewhere to pass to her should she visit again

Are you going to speak to your GP/HV, OP? I have every sympathy for you as you are clearly struggling. However, the different way you speak of your DD and DS I find quite shocking. Sorry if that offends but I definitely think you should seek help urgently. Just talking it through will feel as though a weight has lifted.