To resent my baby

[OlderMummy1]

I tried to find an appropriate 'baby' section on Mumsnet to post this in but couldn't. I know I'm BU. I know I'm the most awful person in the world for feeling like this.

I love my 2 year old DD completely and utterly. Every moment spent with her is a delight. Having my 5 month old DS has ruined my life and has been a terrible mistake. I had another child despite it being a hard road for us because I didn't want my DD to be alone in life when anything happened to us. But every day my DS has been here has detracted from my DDs life. I'm always messing with him, I never have much time for her. She has speech delay and needs more input from me, probably something else I'm managed to do wrong.

With my 'D'S it has been traumatic birth, intolerances, severe reflux, losing weight, poor feeding. Latest thing is he has absolutely no schedule as I can't get him into one no matter how hard I try. He never naps for more than 20 mins so is constantly tired. He sleeps a bit better at night but I never have more than a 3-4 hour stretch.

I have so many things I want to do with my DD. Her babyhood will soon be gone and she will have missed out on so much. I look at this screaming, miserable thing next to me and I hate him.

How can I fix this apart from give them to someone who actually deserves them?

You said you are scared of being labelled a shit mum, but I think you are looking at this from the wrong angle. A shit mum wouldn't care about her kids and you very clearly do care a lot. Two kids, especially so close together is bound to be very hard. I think being proactive about getting help and support is brave! It shows you are actively seeking to get in control of the situation and work through things to make it better.

Have you friends or family that you could talk to about how you feel?

I feel for you - this was my worst nightmare having dc2 as dd1 was just 2.3 when he was born.

The first few months were terribly draining and difficult; he is 9 mo now and things are easier, he wasn't a difficult baby he just had a few health problems that when sorted made life easier

I will tell you about my day today, ds and DD was playing out the garden making up silly games together. It's been a lovely day in which I didn't want to end. The both of them had so much fun together.

If you would have said to me 5 years ago that I would be sat out my garden watching my 2 children play nice together I would have laughed in your face.

I urge you to book a GP appointment, it may be PND or it could be just a normal over tired mum juggling 2 children and other things.

You are not a bad mum, if you was you wouldn't be posting.

Just a little suggestion but could you manage 1-1 with your DD once a fortnight leaving DP/H with the baby.

DD had terrible colic and reflux and we really suffered. I had 2 after her and can appreciate how difficult it was with her compared to "normal" babies. Here are my survival tips: don't worry about routine, just strap that baby in a sling with a dummy in his mouth so that he falls asleep and give him respite from the reflux by being more upright (don't forget to kiss his head) and you from the crying. The more you move around the more he should settle. When not in the sling shove him in a pushchair (or with pillow under head in a pram to elevate it) and get a buggy board and go on walks with your daughter. Fresh air and exercise is good for everyone, and you can chat with DD and pick flowers while baby snoozes. Get a baby bath seat and give both children a nice long bath, letting DD help you. If you feel comfortable with the idea, try co-sleeping or co-napping (though be careful if you do get put on medication), I find it helps "difficult" babies relax into sleep.

At weekends put baby and husband in the spare room/next to sofa bed in lounge with hubby and tell him he is on duty. You need to sleep undisturbed a full night occasionally to feel human. You might not be depressed but you will if you get too exhausted.

You need to get checked out for PND. Take happy pills if you need to, both your babies need you. Good luck!

Can you get any help at all e.g. pay for a babysitter 1 or 2 mornings a week to get you a break? If you have no family help it can be overwhelming. I'm in the same boat myself, no family help and am due DC2 in the Autumn. My plan is to hire some postpartum support for the first 6+ weeks until the new baby is more settled and then will probably get a babysitter one morning a week so I can take DS out on his own just for 1-on-1 time.

Would something like this be an option for you? A lot of mothers feel guilt for getting help but most that I know with 2 under 2 / 3 do get some help, usually from family. In my circle, for those without family night nurses and nannies and babysitters are the norm. So don't feel like you have to be superwoman and do it all. Sometimes even a little bit of help can make a huge difference, especially if your DH works long hours.

I agree entirely with Maryz.

OP, when I had my DS (2 years after DD) and the dust had settled (so 4 or 5 months, where you are now) I was astonished to find that I felt a tremendous guilt at the impact our decision to have DC2 was having on DD. Obviously she now had to share our time with her brother, there were many occasions when I had to be doing essential baby care and couldn't play with her, or when I know I wasn't at my best because I was insanely tired. She played up a bit, totally understandable, there was a big change in her little life. Some of her development regressed - this is normal I know but I felt responsible.

They are now 4.6 and 2.6 and they have the loveliest relationship, which is developing every day. Sure, they bicker and sometimes have trouble sharing etc. but I also see them playing together so happily and it's wonderful. I make sure DD gets her own space, that DS isn't permitted to trash everything she builds/ colours etc. but for the most part they enjoy each other's company and they adore each other.

The period in which DS's arrival had what I felt to be a negative impact on DD was relatively short compared to what I hope will be a loving relationship during the years to come.

I was the first in our NCT group to have a second DC but lots followed shortly after and it was hugely reassuring to find that all the other parents had these guilt feelings too at first.

This is long, I'm sorry, but I wanted to reassure you that your feelings are normal. Having a second child when your first is very little still is hard on everyone.

It would be worth talking to your GP or health visitor nonetheless, to rule out PND or to access some support during this tricky period.

I wish you all the best and hope things get easier soon.

Op you are me 7 years ago. Lactose intollerant second baby, resented DC2 massively for taking me away from DC1, resented DC2 for screaming what felt like 24/7.

It took me 18 months before I decided to brave seeing my GP. 18 months wasted because I was worried I'd be labelled a crap mum, had a fear SS would become involved because I didnt love my second child. I cried for an hour on my lovely GP. She set up some counselling for me (I had other stuff going on too), gave me a prescription for antidepressant (which I never used in the end) and phoned me once a week just for a chat.

If I could relive that time then I would go to my GP much sooner, I regret the 18 months I didnt bond with my baby, the 18 months DC1 didnt have the real me around.

My DC are 9 and nearly 8 now and have grown up to be amazing children biased maybe! and very much BOTH loved by me.

If you want to pm me then my inbox is always open.

Xxxx

One of the best bits of advice I ever got was- when you become a mum you will always feel guilty about something you should/should not be doing, that's because you care. Once you acknowledge that alittle bit of guilt and worry comes with the territory, it's abit easier to deal with. Then it's time to step back and analyse the situation, not easy on very little sleep I know, and decide what you can change and what is unalterable and you have to learn to live with. I had 3 dds, 4.0, 2.0 and a newborn who had reflux and was not the best sleeper. I found the best way to deal with the essential baby are bits was to involve older dds as much as poss, so shake the bottle for baby, choosing an outfit, helping wash babies face etc. Of course alot of jobs take longer this way, but to them it was a lovely new game and they felt very grown up. Feeding time was always storytime, so either a book or me making up a ridiculous story about what baby dd does when they're not looking! Lol. Yes it will be tricky to juggle for awhile, but non essential housework can wait while you get on with enjoying your children as much as possible. And if you don't start to feel better, please by all means see your gp, pnd is incredibly common and absolutely NOT a sign you have failed in some way xx

Please seek help, OP: you're not a shit mum and you haven't failed at anything. You just need a bit of help.

I didn't want to read and run as I've been there too although I'm not sure what further advice I can give. I do urge you to speak to your GP/HV and you will certainly not be labelled as a shit mum. I was lucky and got lads of support from my HV and GP and I also started ADs which helped to lift the fog of stress and anxiety.

My first two are 2 years apart and the first 12 months were really hard but it does get better as others have said.

Do you have something called home start in your area? It's a service that provides help for people struggling with under 5s and I think they come in and offer practical/emotional support.

Please do seek help. I know it can be difficult for other people to understand especially when you've been so desperate for kids but your family's support in this would be beneficial.

home start

Op I posted on your other thread,all my boys have had a speech delay and they were born 3 years apart. Your ds does not and will not detract from your dd's life....having a new baby is hard your anxiety about your dd is making it seem like everything is your ds fault
Your daughter sounds like a lovely little girl and your son is very young and has a few issues which will resolve themselves as he gets older.
I am also an older mum who would not let my first ds out of my sight, when he also had a speech delay, I tied my self in knots and cried all the time, but I've been down that road 3 times now and I can tell you that my 2 eldest speak fluently and my youngest,who starts school in September is well on his way to fluent speech
If you need help and support then you need to ask for it...I could not have helped my children on my own,we needed professional support .
I say this in the nicest possible way go and see you Gp get some help ,you need to stop feeling guity and blaming your ds .My mantra is don't sweat the small stuff and honestly a speech delay does resolve it's self with help and support.

Agree with pp you are definitely not a shit mum. Sounds like it could be pnd. Maybe having a chat with the gp would help you. Xxx

As well as all the other advice I would say, stop going to every toddler group going. That sounds exhausting. Make sure you have some times at home too. Do you know any people you can invite round for some adult chat?

I hope you took on board all the other advice on the speech delay thread you started and have stopped obsessing about it. We all thought your daughter sounds fine.

You really need to see your GP. They won't judge you or talk about social services but you are clearly anxious and depressed. It is very hard work looking after a young child and a baby, especially if the baby has problems. Reflux and sleeping will all get better with time but you need to get some help now. Even counselling can help.

Could have written some of your post myself. I have a 2.5 yr old DD and a 6 mo old DS. Only difference is you have it harder than me because my DS doesn't have reflux.

I have not enjoyed the past 2 months and I too feel like a shit mum. In rational times I knew the GP would not judge me but would be keen to help. At the moment it's hard. You feel like the whole world is judging you and that your children would be better off without you.

I have a bossy friend who has forced me to make a GP appointment. It's next week. I'm still afraid they'll think I'm an idiot/ a terrible mum/ it will affect my job (HCP).

You can do it too. Seek help. Most GPs really want to help their patients and they don't want t to take people's children away if they can help it.

PM me if you like.

Something had to change op. If you can't bring yourself to see your gp try and talk to one of the ladies at sure start. Most of the ladies at sure start are mums and have been where you are. It was the most amazing moment for me breaking down at my local sure start and finally getting some support, even just one of the ladies taking the baby so I could play with my toddler was a huge thing for me.

Sure start crèches will take babies to let you have some time with dd. honestly I find the fight year completely crap with a baby. I get so stressed, overwhelmed, beyond tired.

No one will think your crap, anyone who's been a mum with a difficult second baby with have complete empathy. We all need help.

OP, I'm sorry things are very tough for you right now. Would you be able to pay a private CBT therapist? Or a counsellor who specialises in parenting problems etc.

Having a toddler and a newborn is tough going!!!!!! Lack of sleep hormones etc really don't help.

It will get better when ds gets a bit older but there will always be some tension wrt how to divide yourself and your time between your two dc. Ime there is always an element of guilt as both need their mum so much when they are still small.

Speak to your Hv if you have a good one or if your sure start centre is good and you feel comfortable there, speak to one of their people, they are thee to help and are very experienced and also have often good resources.

Do you have some good friends who can support you?

Could you ask someone else to look after your dd whilst you nest in with ds (skin to skin) lots of cuddles to establish some physical bonding? I have even heard that it's possible to re lactate at this stage if this was something you were interested in......

Big hug and all the best x

Oh and Nct do postnatal parenting courses.
www.nct.org.uk/courses/postnatal/early-days

Also

www.nct.org.uk/courses/postnatal/nct-parent-sessions

Even just speaking to a Nct bf counsellor or peer supporter might help as they really are there to support all manners of feeding. Even if feeding is not an issue they are very good at listening and may help you work out your emotions.

Btw, often when ttc is difficult and a family gas to deal with us fertility, having your baby is not always the golden bullet.

If your baby is lactose intolerant then it is nothing to do with your diet or anything you have done by the way - lactose is present in all milks (it is milk sugar) and is made by the body regardless of anything you eat.

Its not about whether you love him or not. You havent bonded with him yet, and thats more common than many people will admit, because its so taboo.
People can love their cat or their boyfriend. If youre not bonding with your baby then theres usually a reason for it. Trauma, lack of support, depression or a hormonal issue. Your brain is trying to find a way to make things easier, and at the moment unfortunately, its trying to scapegoat the baby.

I think you sound like a wonderful mum. You care very much for your children, you have a lovely relationship with your daughter, and your relationship with your son WILL develop and grow. As others have said, go to the doctors. Regardless of if you have PND or not, you sound exhausted, and tiredness will always have an effect on your mood.
Neither of my sons were good at napping, but they got there in the end (both about 6 or 7 months). When DS2 got there I REALLY enjoyed the special time I had with DS1.

It does sound like you could have pnd to me (I am currently battling with it). Please speak to gp/health visitor, they won't think you are a shit mum, not in the slightest, mine have been amazing and recognize how tough it is when you don't have family support

Could you afford some childcare for your baby? My dd does 2 mornings a week at nursery now and it has really helped start turning things around. I use the time to swim/sleep/housework/read a book, or sometimes I take ds out of preschool and we do a special trip somewhere together