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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cash demands for wedding gift

76 replies

shebird · 25/07/2014 22:42

A relative I setting married in a few weeks and it has been made clear that they want cash as wedding gift. The expectation is in the region of £150-£200 and I'm a bit
It is a big scale full on church wedding plus sit down reception. My guess is that the 'gifts' are paying for the wedding. Is it just me or does this seem horrible and grabby to expect cash. I mean if you cannot afford a wedding on this scale then you should have something smaller. You might as well ask ask guests to buy tickets at £100 each rather than RSVP or aibu

OP posts:

Namechangearoonie123 · 25/07/2014 22:43

How is there an. 'Expectation'? They're not actually asking for a specific amount?

You just give what you want to.

Player67 · 25/07/2014 22:44

Where does the expectation come from?

Original poster

shebird · 25/07/2014 22:47

I have asked other family members what the normal amount is as I have never given cash before and this is what I have been told. The wedding is in Ireland so maybe that's how it is there.

OP posts:

FrankSaysNo · 25/07/2014 22:51

Never heard the expression 'cover your plate' ?

I would expect a meal to be at least £40 per adult head and 2/3rds of that for children.

This is why I decline invitations and send 2 egg cups from the John lewis gift list.

FannyFifer · 25/07/2014 22:55

If it's in Ireland then that's prob the expectation. Tis all about the money.

Saturdaycartoon · 25/07/2014 23:00

It's pretty normal in Ireland to give cash, it's also normal that amounts vary enormously. It's also normal to give a small thoughtful gift. The usual reaction would be a polite thank you card whatever the gift. Just do whatever you would have done if this 'expectation' didn't exist. It is extremely unlikely anyone would have a discussion about how much someone gave. I was at a wedding once ( not in Ireland) where the groom announced the running total of cash received to date in his speech. It was a low moment.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 25/07/2014 23:02

I think I recall some posts from Irish MNers saying that you do traditionally give a larger cash present there so this may be where the expectation comes from. Hopefully someone better informed than me on Irish weddings will post soon.

chocomochi · 25/07/2014 23:03

Depends on the culture. For example, in many Asian cultures, it's normal to give monetary gifts. Not necessarily to cover the cost of the good, but whatever guests could afford. Maybe it's the same in Ireland?!

BeanyIsPregnant · 25/07/2014 23:05

I think yabu as the 'expectation' of a large cash gift hasn't come from the couple? But from people who really have no more of an idea than you..

Give what you would have expected/ felt comfortable to spend on a gift and enjoy yourself, unless they send round a spreadsheet after no one else will know how much you gave, and the couple still have a 'present' from you?

Joysmum · 25/07/2014 23:05

I love the idea of giving cash. Most of my friends were living together anyway and not well off. I like the thought they could have some spare money, in fact I have on a number of times given in advance do it could go towards wedding costs.

I've never given as much as that though, might give £100 for family or close friends. I don't have any friends who'd have an expection of amounts. That's not very nice.

AlleyCat11 · 25/07/2014 23:16

Irish wedding. Time to get your wallet out. Cash is the preferred gift here. Parents traditionally pay for the Big Day, so the couple pocket the wonga in most cases. You don't have to do it on the grand scale expected. Or just give an actual gift if you want. I always do!

nocabbageinmyeye · 25/07/2014 23:27

I would say the tradition of parents paying for weddings in Ireland is long gone, weddings paid for by parents are definitely in the minority now I would think

But cash is most popular here, poems/gift lists are very very rare, cash just seems to be the norm. Having g said that the figures you gave are boom time figures when people lost the run of themselves €100 (is that about £80??) Is probably more the norm now ( less of
course is totally fine too, give whatever you can afford)

Pigriver · 26/07/2014 02:29

I recently got married and my DPs family are Irish. I was shocked at the amounts we were given by his family even distant relatives that weren't invited and whom I had never met.
We never asked for money (didn't state a preference either way - no poem sadly) and all but 3 guests gave us cash.
Personally unless specifically asked for cash I always prefer to buy a gift that I have chosen. Why are so many people worried about us getting 10 toasters? Just don't buy a toaster ...

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 26/07/2014 02:37

Jesus paying for the wedding is gone out with the ark. My parents are as broke as I am!!

To my recollection, it's 50€ as a single person, 75_100€ as a couple. That's the way it was put to me once!

KoalaDownUnder · 26/07/2014 03:29

Never heard the expression 'cover your plate' ?

Yes, but mostly from people with no clue.

You don't have to 'cover your plate' when someone invites you as a guest to their wedding. They're offering you hospitality; how much they choose to spend on feeding their guests is up to them!

It's a gift: give what you can afford and want to give.

Boleh · 26/07/2014 03:32

Yep, in Asia you give Ang Pao (sp?) - red packets with money in. Guests aim to cover what you are spending on them for the wedding but only within what they can afford.
My friends are horrified that I'm 'only' having 60-100 people for my wedding because of the cost. Extended family is a much bigger thing here, weddings often have 500+ guests and are in multiple locations on different days so all family can attend but for the bride and groom they are not a massive expense.
I honestly don't see why asking for money (unspecified amount) is any more grabby than asking for gifts off a list, which will presumebly have a minimum value?
We've asked that people don't get us anything and are already fielding the questions as to what we want.

ShanghaiDiva · 26/07/2014 03:43

same in china where you give a hong Bao to cover the cost of your meal, and more of you are a close friend of bride/groom. Apparently you put your name on back of envelope so they know how much you gave and can give same amount when you get married.

Seems sensible to me.

Alconleigh · 26/07/2014 07:22

The thing is though, covering the cost of your meal has presumably come from times when turning up to a wedding was inexpensive for the guests, as it was all about people you knew locally, so you basically put on something smart and went down the road. Fine. But the modern culture of weddings I live in involves trekking to some country house hotel miles away, incurring travel expense, possibly multiple nights in a hotel, vastly inflated drink prices if no free bar....and that's ignoring the horror of the 3 day hen do abroad etc. So I will actually already have spent far more on the bride and groom than they are spending on my fairly average meal....and then they ask for cash on top? Righto.......

SunnySon · 26/07/2014 07:53

Yes money is definitely the norm as a gift at Irish weddings but €100-150 for a couple would be more like it. So about £80-120.

TurquoiseDress · 26/07/2014 08:28

I'd say give whatever you can afford!

Where did the 'expectation' come from...was it officially printed in the invites?!

We got married recently and didn't have a gift list or write anything in the invites...guests mostly (and graciously) gave cash or cheques.

hackneylady · 26/07/2014 08:29

I'm Irish and have NEVER been asked for cash for a wedding gift. Granted, I've lived in the UK for more than a decade but have strong ties to Ireland and go to weddings there regularly. Sometimes, I've been asked to contribute to those online honeymoon accounts, but I'd be very and to be asked for cash.

Original poster

shebird · 26/07/2014 08:29

Apparently the bride and groom have made it known that cash is what they want and the bride in particular would be horrified at getting anything but cash. The money is going towards paying for the wedding and lavish reception. What a way to spend your wedding day, counting money in envelopes.

OP posts:

combust22 · 26/07/2014 08:31

I would never respond to a cash request. It's very rude.

I always give wrapped gifts despite requests.

A gift should never be an expectation anyway. A couple invite family and friends to share a happy ocassion, if the guests want to give a gift then that's lovely, but that is a bonus not an expectation.

Original poster

shebird · 26/07/2014 08:37

I agree Alconleigh weddings often involve the expense of traveling to the wedding and staying overnight in a hotel. So with that and the cash gift it's pretty expensive for guests.

OP posts:

Bambambini · 26/07/2014 08:37

Well if that's how it's generally done there and the accepted thing - what's your problem? You asked the other guests what is normal and they told you - you don't have to go along with it if you don't want to.

You sound quite mean about it. Different countries/ cultures have different ways with these things - who is to say one way is better than the other. Annoys me when folk think that what they do and what they expect is how it is done or should be done everywhere else.

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