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AIBU?

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Original poster

Cash demands for wedding gift

76 replies

shebird · 25/07/2014 22:42

A relative I setting married in a few weeks and it has been made clear that they want cash as wedding gift. The expectation is in the region of £150-£200 and I'm a bit Shock
It is a big scale full on church wedding plus sit down reception. My guess is that the 'gifts' are paying for the wedding. Is it just me or does this seem horrible and grabby to expect cash. I mean if you cannot afford a wedding on this scale then you should have something smaller. You might as well ask ask guests to buy tickets at £100 each rather than RSVP or aibu

OP posts:
outtheothersidefinally · 26/07/2014 08:38

Ireland and Italy are two countries that I know where you give money for a wedding gift. Practical.

It's not viewed as grabby, greedy or in bad taste. There's nothing wrong with money. It's a lovely gesture here (Ireland) and you only have to give what you can manage. Irish weddings give you a good time in return, sharing what will be a lovely day.

combust22 · 26/07/2014 08:40

I have family in both Italy and Ireland and yes cash is given as gifts- but it's never asked for!!!

That's the rude part.

Indeed I have given cash as a gift myself to couples in the UK, but would never give it as a gift if it was requested. then I would give a small thoughtful present instead.

SevenZarkSeven · 26/07/2014 08:41

Agree with bambambini :)

MsVestibule · 26/07/2014 08:42

Are the B&G likely to bad mouth you if you don't give the 'required' amount?

I had no expectations of gifts or cash when I get married. We had a small country house wedding, about 70 miles from our house. We invited a family of four (one was a baby). Their meals cost £120 altogether, plus a free bar. We got £20 as a gift from them. However, they travelled 70 miles with a 2yo and a 6mo baby and paid for a hotel room, so if I was working out whether they'd 'covered their plate', they probably did. If they'd given nothing, I really wouldn't have been bothered.

Surely I'm more the norm than the exception in not worrying about how much people give? I'm English though, so don't know how much the Irish custom differs.

ceres · 26/07/2014 08:42

"Where did the 'expectation' come from...was it officially printed in the invites?!"

turquoise - it is a cultural norm.

for an irish wedding it is very unlikely that anything at all was mentioned about cash or gifts. I have never received an invitation to an irish wedding with either a gift list or a ghastly poem.

I always give cash if I attend the wedding and a bottle of champagne, photo frame or similar if I can't attend.

amount of cash €150 - €200 as a couple

bakingaddict · 26/07/2014 08:53

Go or don't go, give money or buy a gift if you are really want to stick to your guns but if you are going to the wedding at least have the good grace to respect the couples' wishes and if you have been told by other relatives that cash is the desired option then just do that, the amount isn't really important it's just been quoted to you as a suggestion by others

mommy2ash · 26/07/2014 10:02

it's not rude as it isn't asked for it is just the norm here.

RonaldMcDonald · 26/07/2014 10:06

I live in Ireland was married and have attended numerous wedding
I have never been asked for money
Often there is an optional Registry listing

jeanmiguelfangio · 26/07/2014 10:18

I dont like the cover your plate thing, Sil is getting married soon and as the ils are paying, its £75 per head not including drinks or canapes. And £50 for my 18m old. I cant afford to give them 200- we hardly have that spare a month after bills.
There should never be an expectation for a gift. Although I have no problem giving money at a wedding. Most couples I know have houses and things, and so money towards a honeymoon is fine. Sil is getting currency for the place she is going

KoalaDownUnder · 26/07/2014 10:20

if you are going to the wedding at least have the good grace to respect the couples' wishes and if you have been told by other relatives that cash is the desired option then just do that

This makes it sound as if it is somehow 'bad grace' not to give people cash if that's what they want most. It's not. That's not how gift-giving works.

grocklebox · 26/07/2014 10:22

It is the norm but you never actually ASK for it, and you never even hint at an amount. Whatever you want to give or can afford is fine.

flyingtrue · 26/07/2014 10:23

There's nothing wrong with preferring cash, I know someone who didn't say money or vouchers or have a list, they ended up needing to put some things in storage in a friends garage because they lived in the tiniest studio flat. Why people thought it was sensible to buy them things in that situation, I don't know. Especially larger things. Rather then have gifts that clutter up or can't be used, why not just give the money instead? My friend got a massive dining set from someone which was lovely but 6 years later she still can't move and use it. It must have cost over £50, lovely as it is it's been in storage all that time so it's useless and given their current situation it may well stay that way a long while. It just took up precious space, the £50 could have brought them a couple of weeks Tesco shop instead. The only good gift she could use was a lovely photo frame.

Covering your plate or a set amount of money is ridiculous though You give what you want and what you can afford. Sounds like your family either has an expectation or they are all competing with each other and to give the 'best' amount.

So YABU to think asking for money or vouchers or even having a gift list is grabby. YANBU to think 'covering your plate' or an expectation of 'minimum give' is grabby. You don't invite people to fund a wedding.

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/07/2014 10:27

I wouldn't go personally.

indigo18 · 26/07/2014 11:20

I ould decide how much I would have spent on a gift, say £50, and give that. They are hardly likely to follow you for the rest. I think giving money is sensible as many couples have all they need, or have room for.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 26/07/2014 11:29

Well in Irish culture, if cash gifts are the norm, fine, id give cash. But my cultural norm is to give £50. So thats what theyd get.

SuperConfused · 26/07/2014 12:02

It is a norm, you never mention gifts on invites, but typical is 100 euro a head or 150/200 euro a couple. I've given that even when out if work.

But my English family give nothing like that amount, and I hunk people know and are fine with that. I assume people we're explaining to you hat the expectation is as ya different: thy reason is most people love together and have all the typical gifts. But give what you'd usually spend I cash and nobody will complain, esp if you're travelling

SuperConfused · 26/07/2014 12:03

Live together! So have house stuff! Stupid typos

KoalaDownUnder · 26/07/2014 13:31

Rather then have gifts that clutter up or can't be used, why not just give the money instead?

Some people don't like giving money because then the recipient knows exactly how much you spent. If you're on a budget and are a savvy shopper, you can easily buy a nice gift on sale without breaking the bank. So you run the risk of embarrassing your guests by asking for cash only.

Laquitar · 26/07/2014 14:11

I have never been to an Irish wedding, all my Irish friends have been married before i met them.

Their bbqs, birtday, St Patricks Day, housewarming, and basically any party is always good ime. I always have fun.

I would pay to attend !! :P

NuggetofPurestGreen · 26/07/2014 14:12

Yes I would say that €150 - €200 is the norm here for a cash gift (euro though not sterling). HOWEVER I don't agree with the the norm of the expectation and I give €50 or €100 (depending if I am attending as a single or a couple).

flyingtrue · 26/07/2014 14:20

KoalaDownUnder So buy a gift anyway. It's a suggestion, what they would like, not a demand. Unless the party are complete zilas, which if they are more fool people for pandering to them them, then they'll probably be happy with just attendance or a card.

If you put cash or vouchers then you know 90% will be just that as opposed to saying nothing and getting 90% gifts that clutter up or are unwanted. Even the savvy's shopper can only procure a gift the B&G will certainly want if they've asked them, are extremely close or are buying something traditionally wedding like glass flutes or albums or frames. I'd hate to buy a gift that doesn't get used or is unwanted, I've given vouchers before which have expired and clothes that sat in wardrobes unused.

I got £10 from a friend on an extremely tight budget, it touched me much more then £50 from a very well off friend because I knew my friend and hadn't expected anything.

Joysmum · 26/07/2014 16:39

What a way to spend your wedding day, counting money in envelopes

Do you honestly believe that's what would happen?

On our wedding day, we enjoyed the wedding reception, and then we enjoyed time to ourselves.

We didn't open any cards or presents on the day.

None of our friends opened anything on the day either because the reception went on till late and then they left for their wedding nights whilst friends and relatives took the cards and presents back to the house to be opened at a later date.

outtheothersidefinally · 26/07/2014 16:48

It Italy someone goes around the reception with the groom's cravat (sp?) and each guests puts money in a box, and gets a piece of the cravat. They get a bigger piece for more money! Just a tradition.

In Ireland monetary wedding gifts are not seen as bad taste, offensive, rude or anything other than the norm. You could even just give an amount which would cover them treating themselves to a bottle of wine on their honeymoon.

AlleyCat11 · 26/07/2014 17:00

Joysmum, just read an Irish wedding forum... It happens!
But only in cases where the parents aren't paying...

Aeroflotgirl · 26/07/2014 17:18

Yanbu just give what you can afford!