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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cash demands for wedding gift

76 replies

shebird · 25/07/2014 22:42

A relative I setting married in a few weeks and it has been made clear that they want cash as wedding gift. The expectation is in the region of £150-£200 and I'm a bit
It is a big scale full on church wedding plus sit down reception. My guess is that the 'gifts' are paying for the wedding. Is it just me or does this seem horrible and grabby to expect cash. I mean if you cannot afford a wedding on this scale then you should have something smaller. You might as well ask ask guests to buy tickets at £100 each rather than RSVP or aibu

OP posts:

MintyChops · 26/07/2014 17:32

Asking for big wads of cash as a wedding present is absolutely NOT the norm here in Ireland.......

NuggetofPurestGreen · 26/07/2014 21:45

Oh certainly not the norm for the couple to ask for cash or a specific amount Minty but there is an expectation from other guests/people that €150-€200 is the norm.

MrsMoon76 · 26/07/2014 22:03

AlleyCat11 - I had an Irish wedding that we paid for ourselves and we did not spend the night opening cards actually.

OP - We had a mix of Irish and English guests and yes the Irish were more "giving" but its the norm here. Our English guests gave less (or nothing) but they travelled over, paid for accommodation etc. It was more important to have the people there than gifts if you get me. BTW we did get some gifts rather than cash which were very appreciated too.

Inkspellme · 26/07/2014 22:06

I'm in Ireland and yes cash gifts are the norm in the last 20 years or so I would say. This is due to the fact that the vast majority of couples getting married now have already been living together for a while - a huge cultural change from previous generations.

what is not normal and is considered very rude is to ask for a specific amount. If asked the usual answer would be something like "cash would be great and much appreciated" no amount specified. I haven't yet seen any couple compare or complain about the amounts received.

The recession in Ireland has hit a lot of people and most people realise that most people are not in a position to fork out a couple of hundred quid on a present as well as an outfit and drink and maybe significant travel or accomodation expenses as well.

Give what you feel is comfortable for you or what you would have spent on a gift and think no more about it.

sarahquilt · 26/07/2014 22:42

That's how it's done in Ireland. Anything less than 100e is frowned upon.

Inkspellme · 26/07/2014 22:47

never had anyone "frown upon" less than â?¬100 and I'm in Ireland and been to quite a few weddings in the last few years. Would consider them ignorant people if I were to see this....

twinjocks · 26/07/2014 22:57

sarahquilt "frowned upon" - well in that case DH and I must have peed off every couple at every Irish wedding we've ever been to, 'cos we have never given more than €50-€80, and if there's a gift registry, we'll get a gift to that value too. They're all still talking to us!

Picturesinthefirelight · 26/07/2014 23:02

There is no way I could ever give that amount. For a friend/more dustant relative I would buy a gift up to the value of around £30. For a close relative it would be up to about £50, maybe a bit more for a sibling.

I have never given cash & would not.

DramaAlpaca · 26/07/2014 23:03

Yes, cash gifts are the norm in Ireland.

DH is Irish, I am English & we got married (many years ago) in England, with a good mix of Irish & English guests.

I committed a bit of faux pas as far as MIL was concerned in having a gift list. We had items varying from a very modest £10 up to around £100, but we didn't ask for cash at all. Unbeknown to me, gift lists were not the done thing in Ireland, at least not at that time. You don't have a list, and while some guests will give you a gift, most will give you cash. I was at the generous cash amounts DH's relatives gave us because I wasn't expecting it, and very grateful of course.

The contrast was interesting between the English guests and the Irish guests. English guests either chose a gift from the list or gave us cash, but smaller amounts than the Irish guests.

In your situation OP, I'd just give what you can afford - don't be pressured into giving more. Around €50 would be absolutely fine, I'm sure, especially as you've had to pay for travel costs etc.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 26/07/2014 23:07

Yeah fuck em if they frown upon less than €100. I don't care if I offend anyone that shallow!

MostWicked · 26/07/2014 23:27

Sod that!
I am not paying for someone else's wedding when I get no say in the food that is served! LOL

Seriously, just send a card and a gift token or cash, but ONLY what you think is appropriate and what you can afford. £10, £20 - if anyone if offended they are greedy and rude.

Teddybeau1988 · 26/07/2014 23:30

It's an Irish thing. At our wedding there was a mahoosivly big difference between my English family and friends gifts and his Irish sides.

Sapat · 27/07/2014 00:13

Got married in feb after 18 years together. We said no gifts, just come and enjoy yourselves. As far as I was concerned we were throwing a fabulous party for a very special occasion and we wanted all our friends and family to share the day with us, not subsidise it. Close family gave money, though not everyone. Some friends were very generous, many came empty handed, a few gave token gifts like a picture frame or a bottle of bubbly. My cousin, in her low 20s gave us £20 and said go to the pub and have one on me. DH uncles and cousins took us to our word and gave us nothing, including the couple who got married in Ireland. Their own wedding was in Dublin, we were warned beforehand that there would be large gifts but not to feel obliged. Since we paid to fly our family of 4 over and stay in the fancy hotel they were using we did not give anything bar a token present like a picture frame or something. I personally find it distasteful when people expect and demand money or gifts. Wedding list ok when couple is young, less so when in 30s or later.
The best I have seen was a friend who set up an account at an art dealer. You put in what you wanted and the couple went to choose a painting. I thought that was nice because they got what they wanted and we all contributed to something special in their home, that I can admire every time I visit them.

CuttingOutTheCrap · 27/07/2014 08:27

I live in Ireland and the sums you mention were not the expectation at any wedding I've ever been to! (Nor is cash the norm) Fwiw, the cover your plate rule is commonly followed here, but its fine to give more or less depending on what you can afford/what you want to give, or just to buy a small gift

NuggetofPurestGreen · 27/07/2014 08:42

Really, cutting that's interesting as I would have said cash is the norm as are the sums mentioned! Where are you from if you don't mind me asking?

NuggetofPurestGreen · 27/07/2014 08:43

Caveat: not that the bride and groom would expect that much just that's how much people give.

PomeralLights · 27/07/2014 09:02

I don't understand all these huffy people thinking it's rude to ask for cash, if it's what you want.

My mum and I have very different tastes so when I'm buying her a Christmas present, I tend to agonise over it, or ask her for very specific direction - silly me, all this time I should have been getting her what I deemed 'appropriate' with no care for what she wanted or would appreciate.

Geeesh. People ask for cash, you give cash. Simples. And if you've asked others what they're giving then that's not an 'expectation' just, y'know, what someone else is doing. If you had an amount in mind anyway why did you ask?! Are you just annoyed that they've made you feel less generous with your present?

Bambambini · 27/07/2014 09:21

I'd rather give something the couple actually wanted and would use so cash requests/vouchers/gift list is all good by me and much easier. We would probably spend 50 - 100 for a gift to a not so close family member/friend so I wouldn't want it wasted on something they might not like or use.

As for those who think cash is tacky - that's just because it isn't/wasn't done like that where you are from and seems quite arrogant.

Bambambini · 27/07/2014 09:24

I think in a poll I read a while back - the Irish and Scottish tended to give the most at weddings and for presents in general.

Droflove · 27/07/2014 09:24

Thats the normal amount in Ireland. Most of my English guests gave much much less. Didn't mind in the slightest. Give whatever you want. And give a gift instead of money if you want too.

Chunderella · 27/07/2014 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cerealqueen · 27/07/2014 09:37

I agree with posters who have mentioned the rising cost of attending the wedding so the expectation of an amount is grabby and would make many people feel uncomfortable.

We are very stretched at the moment so I bargain hunt everything. For my brother's wedding last year I bought the shoes (new) and bag (secondhand) off ebay. I already had a dress I had worn before. My sister however, told me in great detail how much she had spent on her dress (£450 after a discount - she works in fashion industry) and tried to make made me feel shit for buying secondhand.

Weddings can be done more simply - you don't have to spend a fortune and put the expectation on your guests to pay for the wedding you want, whether this is hen weekends or overnight stays in country hotels, thinking that for you the wedding cash is paying for it anyway.

This incessant needs for fancy weddings which people can't afford and then the grabbiness over the presents makes me and .

Purpleroxy · 27/07/2014 10:09

I like giving cash but £150-200 is off the scale of what I would ever give anyone. I would decline the invitation. But say you are away or some excuse like that.

GalaxyInMyPants · 27/07/2014 10:22

I went to an Irish wedding of a colleague once. I had no idea about the culture of giving money and had taken a present. Saw the brides mum at the reception and asked where to leave the present. She guided me in the direction of the table and also said "and the wishing well is right there".

I nearly asked her what the fuck a wishing well was.

Anyway I didnt leave any money in it as I only had enough money for a few drinks. I probably committed a huge faux pas didnt I?

Bambambini · 27/07/2014 10:41

Purpleroxy- "I like giving cash but £150-200 is off the scale of what I would ever give anyone. I would decline the invitation. But say you are away or some excuse like that."

Well more fool you for not going because of that. Most people don't care about what gifts or money they get. My only expectation was that people came and had a good time. Any gifts were appreciated but not expected or looked down on. A guest should only give what they can or they feel comfortable with.

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