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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I live on some backwards planet, or was my friend BU?

85 replies

CallMeExhausted · 24/07/2014 14:51

Quick background, so this makes sense... I was idly chatting with a friend yesterday and we were talking about what we had done during the day...

She (pretty much normal for her) hadn't done much of anything. Her DCs had been in and out of the house, alternating between playing in the garden and stuck to one screen or another. She has a very laissez faire attitude with regard to her DCs in the summer and she is happy with it. If it works for her, what business is it of mine?

My DD (8) is disabled and medically complex, so requires a lot of my focus - throughout the year, we save up so that I can employ her school nurse for 8 hours a week to allow DD some continuity and myself a bit of time to attend to household responsibilities. While she was out with her nurse yesterday, and DS (16) was off with friends, I took the opportunity to clean the house, do some laundry and make a packed lunch for DH as he works the afternoon shift.

Well, this friend had some strong opinions about this. She seems to think I should use my money to hire a cleaner and spend the time with my DD instead of "wasting a fortune" on her nurse so I can "pawn her off" (mind you, it is 4 hours a day, 2 days a week). She went on about how DS should be expected to mind his sister and not "fart about" with his mates and of course DH should be making his own work meals.

She went on to suggest I am being abused by DH as he is using me as "staff".

I have mulled this over (while making DH's packed lunch and getting DD ready for her nurse's arrival this morning) and I have come to the conclusion that my friend clearly has no clue, and that if I am not bothered by my routine, it is hardly something she needs to get her knickers in a knot over.

Have I lost the plot?

More importantly, how can I tactfully suggest she wind her nose in?

OP posts:

Groovee · 24/07/2014 14:54

I think you are doing what is best for your child. Unfortunately your friend sees this as pawning off as she doesn't live your life. There are 168 hours in a week, you still have your daughter 160 hours of that week.

Got to laugh at you being called staff.

Just laugh next time she says it.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 24/07/2014 14:56

"it is important for DD to have continuity and this arrangement works best for the whole family" you mouthy cow

KoalaDownUnder · 24/07/2014 14:57

None of her business!

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen · 24/07/2014 14:58

You are entitled to a break from caring, the nurse is doing it for you. You are a parent and a carer

How you spend your breaking from caring is up to you. Your friends opinion is not relevant to your situation as she has two NT children.

If you also want a break from cleaning you could get a cleaner.

Your ds is her brother and your child, and does not have to fake on the duty of carer because she says so.

I'm afraid your friend might be close but is totally clueless IMO.

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen · 24/07/2014 14:58

*take

WallyBantersJunkBox · 24/07/2014 14:59

Does she really need tact?

She doesn't really use it, does she?

Yama · 24/07/2014 15:00

Why on earth do you allow a supposed friend to talk to you like this?

No need for tact - I doubt she has heard of it.

Yama · 24/07/2014 15:01

X post with Wally.

Kimaroo · 24/07/2014 15:01

Hmm, I can see her point about the packed lunch!
Maybe there are other things where she thinks you are having a tough time always doing the chores. Not sure about the 'pawning her off' comment. It's up to you what you feel is best for you and your family regarding your dd. It it was me though, I would be using the 8 hours for 'me' time. There are two adults and a teenager to share the grunt work more equally.

Coumarin · 24/07/2014 15:16

I think your DH could make his own packed lunch as it sounds like you've got your hands full. Other than that it's none of her business and the arrangements for your dd sounds great.

Original poster

CallMeExhausted · 24/07/2014 15:22

Thank you for the reassurance - I kind of felt that way, but as DD has occupied so much of my time since her birth, I wondered if I might have a skewed outlook.

The way I see it, I don't hate cleaning. I like to have a clean(ish) home, and knowing I did it myself feels good. Years ago, in another place personally and long before DCs I was practically a hoarder, and lived in what could be best described as a hovel. Now, I can open my door and invite someone in if they arrive unannounced, and the worst you might see is a glass on the table, a few toys or some of my DDd's equipment scattered about, or some dishes in the sink.

DD's care is quite specialised can be overwhelming at times. I will admit that I look forward to my breaks.

Friend is definitely clueless. She was at my house one day while I was preparing DD's night medication. She ran out of the room in tears because she couldn't handle seeing "all those syringes". Bear in mind, DD was still playing happily in the lounge. A little dramatic, IMO.

OP posts:

Igggi · 24/07/2014 15:25

Hell would freeze over before I'd make dh a packed lunch, but other than this yanbu.
Do you use any of the time to get a break for yourself too?

starfishmummy · 24/07/2014 15:27

Oh dear. I have a disabled ds and he is going off to holiday club (a few hours every day) this week and next, so I must be really bad

tiggerkid · 24/07/2014 15:33

Continuity for your DD aside, everybody who has carer's responsibility needs a bit of space and break at some point. These 4 hours per day 2 days a week provide you with much needed physical and emotional space. Even if you use it for some chores in the house! If I was a friend, I'd be more inclined to say that you should use at least some of that time for yourself (relax, shop, watch TV, whatever it may be)! If you hire a cleaner, you will not get this space and I doubt that you will save that much money on it anyway.

I may be wrong here but it sounds like the friend needs to mind her own business.

YankNCock · 24/07/2014 15:33

I'm with you OP, your friend clearly has no clue. I think having a bit of respite from caring responsibilities for you and continuity for your DD sound like the best possible use of your money.

ZenGardener · 24/07/2014 15:35

I agree why treat her with tact when she doesn't afford you the same privilege? She sounds rude.

TheReluctantCountess · 24/07/2014 15:38

Your friend clearly doesn't have a clue. It sounds like you are doing a bloody good job.

puntasticusername · 24/07/2014 15:42

Dear oh dear

From your last remark about her running out of the room in tears at the sight of the medication, I would say she's a bit emotionally over invested in the fact that you have a child who needs such special care, and she can't imagine how she would cope if she were in your shoes. So, by extension, she can't imagine how YOU manage to cope in your shoes, and she's trying - in some bizarre way - to help you, but in ways you don't actually need.

I'd be polite but firm, in the way previous posters have suggested - "Thankyou for thinking of us, but we find that the way we do things works just fine, so there's really no need for you to worry".

And I'm intensely laid back about the packed lunch issue.

Purplepoodle · 24/07/2014 15:50

I would be doing exactly the same as you with a bit less cleaning and some lovely me time when you get some alone time.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 24/07/2014 15:52

On the rare occasions that someone starts going on about something in a way that is a bit tactless or I am going to disagree with, I mentally disengage and just say vague things like 'well, we all do things differently' or 'yes, that's one way of looking at it'.

However, having reread the comments, I also wonder if she is being a bit defensive on your behalf- more or less saying why don't you do what you want (which to her may be to spend time with dd rather than cleaning) and make the others help a bit more, rather than you do all the packed lunches/excuse older child/end up cleaning the house on your day off. I am not sure she meant this nastily, she may have been in your corner and it came out rather strongly.

Crinkle77 · 24/07/2014 15:53

Tell your 'friend' to do one. She sounds pathetic if she can't handle looking at a few needles. It's like she had to make it all about her.

Toomanyhouseguests · 24/07/2014 15:57

It sounds like your friend doesn't really understand the ins and outs of your situation as well as she thinks she does. It sounds to me like you know whats best for your own family. None of it sounds unreasonable to me as long as you are all satisfied.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 24/07/2014 15:58

OMG, OMG - you made your DH a lunch when he has the full use of his arms and legs..... I think you should spend hours in MN self analysis debating whether you are being emotionally abused. FFS - why is every simple household thing taken in total isolation from day to day life subject to some sort of feminist claptrap on MN.

You could try "not that its any of your business but I enjoy the break from caring for DD2 for 8 hours a week, the other 160 are fairly full on"

Ignore the rest or simply say "they do their share"- she's not worth entering into a conversation to justfy what your DD1 and DH do or don't do.

Owllady · 24/07/2014 16:03

Is it really that difficult for her to grasp that you need a break fgs
Yanbu at all

Pangaea · 24/07/2014 16:13

Good luck trying to get a 16 year old working as a babysitter for free.

She's on another planet OP.

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