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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I live on some backwards planet, or was my friend BU?

85 replies

CallMeExhausted · 24/07/2014 14:51

Quick background, so this makes sense... I was idly chatting with a friend yesterday and we were talking about what we had done during the day...

She (pretty much normal for her) hadn't done much of anything. Her DCs had been in and out of the house, alternating between playing in the garden and stuck to one screen or another. She has a very laissez faire attitude with regard to her DCs in the summer and she is happy with it. If it works for her, what business is it of mine?

My DD (8) is disabled and medically complex, so requires a lot of my focus - throughout the year, we save up so that I can employ her school nurse for 8 hours a week to allow DD some continuity and myself a bit of time to attend to household responsibilities. While she was out with her nurse yesterday, and DS (16) was off with friends, I took the opportunity to clean the house, do some laundry and make a packed lunch for DH as he works the afternoon shift.

Well, this friend had some strong opinions about this. She seems to think I should use my money to hire a cleaner and spend the time with my DD instead of "wasting a fortune" on her nurse so I can "pawn her off" (mind you, it is 4 hours a day, 2 days a week). She went on about how DS should be expected to mind his sister and not "fart about" with his mates and of course DH should be making his own work meals.

She went on to suggest I am being abused by DH as he is using me as "staff".

I have mulled this over (while making DH's packed lunch and getting DD ready for her nurse's arrival this morning) and I have come to the conclusion that my friend clearly has no clue, and that if I am not bothered by my routine, it is hardly something she needs to get her knickers in a knot over.

Have I lost the plot?

More importantly, how can I tactfully suggest she wind her nose in?

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 24/07/2014 16:14

I'm skint. Living off nothing, caring for my DS 24:7 and it's hard work. I just about scrounge the money together for his old TA, who is amazing, to take him out swimming for 2 hours a week. I don't want a break from DS, I don't particularly Like sharing DS, I can't really afford it, but he loves this woman more than his iPad, and I want her in his life still as she has some sort of magic effect on him, making him calm and happy.

Other people need respite because they find caring hard work (which it is) and need a break to enable them to be On top mental form for caring for their children.

No one chose to be parent carers, we chose to be parents. How we choose to deal with life and make it the best for our children is no one else's business, it's so personal.

I quite enjoy knowing that I've kept my house as it is all by myself, and I'd quite enjoy feeding my husband if I had one, but I'm a bit strange like that.

Do what you want as long as you and DD are both happy and healthy

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 24/07/2014 16:18

Thanks Well done you for making sure you get a carer's break. Totally up to you how you spend it. Agree cleaning can be very therapeutic/satisfying, and it's lovely to then look round the gleaming (almost never for me!) house and think aaaah! And presumably with DD's care you don't often get much chance to 'care' for DH either, so why not make him lunch if that's what you want to do? None of her business, and don't let the "palming off" comment get to you. She has No Bloody Idea. Particularly of how utterly relentless caring is. My DS2 is ADS and not severe even ("moderate to severe"), but it is the never-ending remorselessness I find hardest. Do whatever you want/need to do with your time.

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon · 24/07/2014 16:33

How dare she judge and lecture you when all she does is sit on her arse all day achieving feck all. You need the break and it's up to you how you spend it. Running a clean, functional home is important if it allows you to be functional, happy and feel on top of things. We all need time to recharge our batteries, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

daisychicken · 24/07/2014 16:35

Huh? She has no idea what it's like for you with a child with special needs so I don't see how she can comment on that (or anything else tbh!). If you enjoy cleaning then you do it!

Re making your DH lunch - I make my DH his lunch! When the schools are open, I make 3 packed lunches a day - it's as easy to make 3 as it is to make 2. In the holidays I sometimes make 4 packed lunches and I sometimes make 1, DH is happy to make his own but a) he gets more variety when I make it Wink and b) he works long hours and I'm a sahm, why wouldn't i do something that would make his life a little easier and takes me what? 5 minutes?

Original poster
CallMeExhausted · 24/07/2014 22:39

Re: DH and lunch, I don't mind making it at all. It is my friend who seems to think I should mind.

My DS got home this afternoon and immediately took the dog for a walk, took the rubbish out to the bin and started doing his laundry. I had the misfortune of being a "built in babysitter" when my father and his 3rd wife had a baby. I was 16 years old at the time, and expected to care for my infant sister without pay (and at the cost of my social life and education - on more than one occasion, I had to take a day off school to care for my sister as my SM wasn't feeling well - even though my father worked from home). I swore to myself I would not do that to my DS. He does watch his sister, but has right of refusal, and we pay him as we would any sitter.

My life, while it is hardly one I would have chosen, could be a whole lot worse.

I'm not sure - perhaps my friend can't see herself being able to manage my life, so I shouldn't be able to, either... Hmm

OP posts:
QuipFree · 24/07/2014 22:45

I thought you were going to say she was pushing for you to have more than 8 hours of free time, or that you should be putting your feet up and messing around online during your "me" time.

Caring f/t for a disabled child is tough. I think if you could afford more than 8 hours of breaktime, you should have it.

Your friend has no clue.

QuipFree · 24/07/2014 22:47

And of course you're going to get the essential stuff done during that time. When you are with DD, that is what you are doing.

I'm sure your DH does plenty for you. In a supportive relationship, you do stuff like make lunch for the other person. And they do other things for you to make your life easier.

lornemalvo · 24/07/2014 22:52

Yanbu. Your friend is rude. Why wouldn't someone make their partner (of either sex) a lunch? Why shouldn't you get time to do the things you need to do to organise yourself? Even if you would be better with just a cleaner (which I don't think you would be) she would still have absolutely no business to be saying so.

oohdaddypig · 24/07/2014 22:56

YANBU - your friend was beyond rude. I am surprised you didn't explode!

YABU not to use the 8 hours to have some "me" time for yourself instead of cleaning Grin

AlpacaPicnic · 24/07/2014 23:14

It sounds like you are doing the best for your dd, if she enjoys spending time with the nurse then that's a lovely thing to do for her. She may need a change from you, just as much as you need and deserve a break from being her career all the time.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/07/2014 07:28

Your friend was rude. If this was poorly expressed concern for your welfare then it was pretty ham-fisted. I think you need to reassure her that you are happy and your family's arrangements are not up for debate.

saintlyjimjams · 25/07/2014 07:42

She sounds a fucking idiot :gavel: (mother of severely disabled & 2 NT children)

Was interested in your hovel comments - that's where I am now, but with time split between caring & working have no time to sort - would live it.

BobbyGentry · 25/07/2014 08:02

Your friend clearly has no clue, Op.

Original poster
CallMeExhausted · 25/07/2014 15:15

And today, we are back to "normal"... up early to try to get things done before DD's morning routine starts.

I will still get a break today, I hope. I am going to try to get the shopping done before DH leaves for work.

She popped by yesterday about 30 minutes before DD got home (while I was cleaning the bathrooms) and started to go on again about what I was doing wrong.

Not proud, but I will admit I sort of lost my patience. I told her that it works for me, but if she was so adamant that I was doing it all "wrong", she had a couple of options... she could hire and pay for a cleaner for me, she could clean the place herself, or she could respect that my life is not one she either wants or could handle, and keep her unsolicited opinions to herself.

I could hear my DH laughing from the bedroom Grin

OP posts:
Ponkernonsir · 25/07/2014 16:04

Bloody hell YANBU. I abhor violence, really I do, but some people deserve a swift sharp slap. Your cod friend is one of them.

As for pawning, I think she means palming. Whatever, but I tell you this, if I could pawn my kids I bloody would. One of them shat in a stately home this morning. In the Long Gallery to be precise. If I could have raised cash for him today, I would have.

Also, I don't work, my kids don't have complex medical needs, but I'm sending them to holiday club. Why? Cos they do my head in after a bit.
Please don't give this person's comments a moments thought. Direct her to me where I shall give her the kick up the arse she so richly deserves.

Deverethemuzzler · 25/07/2014 16:53

Don't bother being tactful.
Tell her to keep her fucking opinions to herself.
You can always smile as you say it.

It sounds as if you have come up with an excellent plan that works for you.
Have you applied for direct payments? You shouldn't have to foot the bill for respite/care all by yourself IMO.

puntasticusername · 25/07/2014 16:59

Oh nice one OP! I wish I'd been a fly on that wall! Awesome Grin

Slight snigger at the poo in the Long Gallery, sorry Ponker Wink

puntasticusername · 25/07/2014 16:59

How did she react btw?

maddening · 25/07/2014 17:03

Ideally you could afford a cleaner and the nurse so you could just spend some time being you whether that's watching a film and vegging out, seeing friends in an adult setting with no responsibilities or doing a hobby or excercise whatever.

But such is life and this option works for you - whilst it's not a rest at least it's a chance to get stuff done and maybe give you some head space!

saintlyjimjams · 25/07/2014 17:03

Well done OP. hope she wound her neck in!

maddening · 25/07/2014 17:04

Ps good on you for getting her told!

ecuse · 25/07/2014 17:21

Good for you! How did she react?

Groovee · 25/07/2014 17:25

Good for you OP!

StealthPolarBear · 25/07/2014 17:30

" One of them shat in a stately home this morning. In the Long Gallery to be precise. "
The last stately home we visited bored me and dh to tears. If we could have, we'd have paid good money to see that rather than another tapestry of a long dead person :o

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 25/07/2014 20:40

Well done! Yes I'd love to know her reaction - was she all speechless open-mouthed goldfish?

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