Do I live on some backwards planet, or was my friend BU?

[CallMeExhausted]

Quick background, so this makes sense... I was idly chatting with a friend yesterday and we were talking about what we had done during the day...

She (pretty much normal for her) hadn't done much of anything. Her DCs had been in and out of the house, alternating between playing in the garden and stuck to one screen or another. She has a very laissez faire attitude with regard to her DCs in the summer and she is happy with it. If it works for her, what business is it of mine?

My DD (8) is disabled and medically complex, so requires a lot of my focus - throughout the year, we save up so that I can employ her school nurse for 8 hours a week to allow DD some continuity and myself a bit of time to attend to household responsibilities. While she was out with her nurse yesterday, and DS (16) was off with friends, I took the opportunity to clean the house, do some laundry and make a packed lunch for DH as he works the afternoon shift.

Well, this friend had some strong opinions about this. She seems to think I should use my money to hire a cleaner and spend the time with my DD instead of "wasting a fortune" on her nurse so I can "pawn her off" (mind you, it is 4 hours a day, 2 days a week). She went on about how DS should be expected to mind his sister and not "fart about" with his mates and of course DH should be making his own work meals.

She went on to suggest I am being abused by DH as he is using me as "staff".

I have mulled this over (while making DH's packed lunch and getting DD ready for her nurse's arrival this morning) and I have come to the conclusion that my friend clearly has no clue, and that if I am not bothered by my routine, it is hardly something she needs to get her knickers in a knot over.

Have I lost the plot?

More importantly, how can I tactfully suggest she wind her nose in?

Saintly I suggested direct payments (before I knew the op was not in the UK) because she already has someone she can trust/knows well to be with her DD.
Not for a cleaner.
To use towards paying her existing carer, not to find a new one.

I know more than I want to know about Direct Payments. I don't like them much. They don't cover the cost of anywhere near the hourly rate I need to pay for DS. I stick to short breaks hours. But they can work for people who already have reliable carers.

Direct payments would be lovely. There was recently an election here, and the party in power are saying the wait lists for respite payments are to be eliminated in the next 2 years at most.

I am not holding my breath

I don't think you have lost the plot; I think your friend might have, though.

She really said that you were pawning your child off?

Are you planning on keeping this person in your life?

Oh, and sorry for all the novel length posts. Trying to answer everything at once seems to have backfired.

happytalk she actually said "pawning". I had to chuckle, because if I had indeed pawned her off, I'd at least have cash in hand

My circle of "real life" friends is unfortunately small, that is probably why we are even still friends. I am definitely distancing myself, though. She can be a bit of a thoughtless twit.

Your friend is the one who has lost the plot IMHO. She is toxic OP. Sounds like you're doing a great job.

I love the way her mind works it's ok for her children to come and go as they please or watch TV neither of which seem to have much involvement from her.

But you using some to give you some much needed me time (whatever you do with it is your choice) and your DD some time doing something's with someone else.

Well done for standing up to her, keep doing it.

to you and your beautiful DD, and your poor DS too with his trip cancelled. I'm assuming that your friend knew about that too - breathtaking lack of empathy.

Your house actually has to be "too clean" given your DDs immune deficiency, so she's got it wrong there too. But I can see that you wouldn't want to give up what little RL support/companionship you do have.

Sounds really tough. Disgraceful that everyone is just on a waiting list for respite

The respite wait list is a mind numbing frustration for so many families. We make do, but in all honesty DH and I have played the "if it actually happens, how will we finally use the funds?" game.

We think we might use the money to purchase a small used car for runabout when DD is not coming with is so we can save wear on our DD's van - it has to last as long as possible (not the respite money, our household funds that have, up until now, been allocated for respite).

As for the friend, I think if she stays in my life as more than a casual friend (which is likely, as my circle of people IRL is very limited) I either need to pointedly ignore silly comments or set down some very firm boundaries.

But that can wait for tomorrow - today I have found a wheelchair accessible blueberry farm, so the family is going to go blueberry picking

Hope you enjoyed the blueberry picking, sounds a really lovely outing.

Don't feel bad about keeping what RL support you have ticking over, even if she'd a bit unempathetic, she is still a friend. Totally understand you not wanting to loose that given thin on the ground, wish that wasn't the case for you