Husband going on holiday and leaving me alone with trouble teen

[Tanya34]

My husband is going on 3 rd holiday this year which I really don't mind . Problem is our teen daughter is in with wrong crowd drink drugs last time he was abroad she was put in hospital by one of her so called friends she was kicked unconscious and had her head stamped on was a awful time that I had to go through alone I begged husband not to go but he did anyways . Now he leaving again for a week and I'm dreading it every night is a drama drunken daughter kicks off has even hit me and smashed up my house this is not a one off it a regular thing I think he is sooooo selfish leaving me to deal with this alone again apperently he "really needs this holiday" I feel like burning his passport does anyone else think he is selfish or am I just jealous and overreacting?

Can you book a cottage in the Outer Hebrides or Orkney or somewhere for you and DD so she can get some space from her 'friends'? Might do you both some good and give DH a jolt when he gets home to an empty house.

www.shetlandvisitor.com/

or France where she might meet people who give her a different perspective on life?

Could you both volunteer on an archaeological dig? A diving holiday? Safari? Obviously don't know your budget.

My instinct is to spirit your DD away and give yourself time to think. Not as a solution for your DD or you but as a way of finding space to find solutions. Good luck OP.

Have you spoken to your daughter about just the two of you going away?

I love the idea of packing thick jumpers & speedos!

But then he'll just spend money on clothes/

So better that he just knows that he needs to do his own packing?

I think Hampton Court has it spot on here.

Sometimes when we are in a situation, we are blind to what's in front of us. The more I read of this thread the more certain things are screaming out at me.

Your 'husband' goes away without you with his 'friend'. Multiple times. Even when you go away as a family his 'friend' comes too. Wtf!
Then they go for drinks while you stay with your daughter -gets better and better.

I am wondering if your daughter has found something out that you don't want to see, and cannot deal with it. Hence the behaviour.
Your home life is so dysfunctional and has been for a while that I feel you've lost sight of whats 'normal' and acceptable.

I would have kicked that useless tosspot out ages ago, but you are packing his bloody suitcases. Holy moly! He's got it made and he's laughing at you.

You need to ask yourself as his wife, what his friend has that makes him crave his company instead of yours. I think you probably know the answer to that question already.

Then pack the disrespectful assh*les case/binbags and sort out your daughter. You are already a single parent by the sounds of it.

You might find out that once he's gone and your daughter sees you getting a backbone taking control ,then she might work with you.
I have three teenagers/young adults and don't recognise any of this behaviour displayed. But I am of the tough love parenting and wouldn't accept any of this malarkey.
Set boundaries for both of them and demand respect. Demand truth and honesty. Stand for nothing less.

I wish you luck.

Did I kill this thread?!

Hope you are ok OP

I think you did but you are right Beautifullymixed

Is this the first year that he has gone on holiday with his 'friend'? Because it seems very odd that this has happened at the same time your Dd has started kicking off.

OP change the locks, change your mobile number, seek legal advice and book a holiday with your dd the day before he arrives back. Use that time to think what you want from your life.

Ms Venus. This is what I would do.

I'm so sure that this 'd'h would be utterly shocked to see his wife taking control of her life.

As said earlier, I would have kicked him out with the rubbish into touch a long time ago and the weird friend too.

It strikes me that your daughter has either seen something between her dad and his friend or the friend has made inappropriate comments / behaviour towards dd, she doesn't feel she can tak to you and she's just trying to stop either the image she saw or the pain/embarrassment she feels. Get them away and then talk to her, you say she hates you, maybe she feels you're not looking out for her. Sorry to be blunt but too many coincidences on her going off rails and dhs friend being around.

Good luck

Hi, thank you to everyone who made a comment your all so kind and have been very helpful :) xx

Helpful in what way, Tanya? So, what are you going to do, and what are you going to say to your husband?

Hopefully OP you've been doing some thinking.
And are making steps towards a life that you and your daughter deserve.

Be happy.

If your DD is trying to get her father's attention, then you need to demonstrate that the approval of a selfish man who prioritises his needs over his family, ain't worth the wait. It sounds like you have a dysfunctional marriage which may or may not have contributed to your DD's current behaviour.

Your H is a selfish arsewipe and yes that does not make him a nice person. He's checked out of your relationship and parenting and you packing his bags for his solo jollies just sounds so depressing. All this talk of 'next time' you'll do this and that is just that, talk because you know there will be a next time, so why wait. I understand that your DD's behaviour takes precedent but what if her behaviour is linked to your dysfunctional marriage, you can't carry on doing the same and expecting different results.

Has this friend always been around, or is the friendship relatively new? I agree with the posters who think your DD is acting up because she is aware something is badly wrong - either that her father is gay, or that her father simply doesn't give a toss about her. I think ending the marriage is the best option for both of you because there is no magic button to make this selfish man change his behaviour.

Your marriage is long dead and despite it's damaging effects on the rest of the family, neither of you have the guts to remove the decomposing corpse. Harsh words but the denial on display here is staggering.

Agree with you ise about the denial.

Tried to go easy with my words,but I'm actually flabbergasted at the doormatty behaviour displayed here.

A wife 'trying' not to mind. wtf?!
A husband jetting off because he needs a holiday?!
Her packing his bloody bag.
His repeated holidays with his 'mate'.
Her calling him on 'holiday' to complain about the dd. I'd have been far too busy packing his bags.
General lack of respect shown by anyone.
Daughter smashing up the house.....my kids wouldn't dare do this. Not in a million years-smash up the home with all the hard earned things in it. They'd be out the door in a flash-and they know it.
Daughter hitting the mum see above, and add a boot up their backside too.

And finally the last post with xx's in it.

You would have thought that having it all in black and white in front of you would fire you up to act. Sort it out. Demand respect. Take control.

One can only hope that's what you're doing right now OP.

Doormatty behaviour ??? That's nice of you beautifully mixed thought people on here we're here to offer advice not insults . I hope that you feel better getting your harsh words off your chest !! I'm no doormat just stuck confused and emotionally drained and your comment has made me feel sooooo much better thanks!!

Tanya no intention at all to upset you or make you feel horrible. I'm so sorry if my post upset you.

I had tried to offer advice earlier up in the thread, but got a little heated I guess at what seems an injustice to you.

You seem caring and kind,and a good mother,and it seemed that that was being taken advantage of.

In a big way.

When you are in the middle of a situation, often you cannot see the wood for the trees, I know this.
I tried to help you.

I hope that you are okay and life is a little better and easier for you.

I wish you well.

weird set up.

Tanya, posters who have said that their children would never smash up their house or hit them has obviously no idea what you are going through. I would have thought that you would at least be treated with some respect nonetheless. I know exactly what you are going through and it is hell on earth.

As for the diagnosis of your DH and friend being gay and that your DD saw something untoward - you literally could not make it up.

I feel for you, you are under tremendous pressure. It is extremely unreasonable for your DH to go on a holiday and leave you alone with your DD. Can you talk to him calmly and make him see sense? He could be just as terrified as you and afraid to talk about it. Is there any way your DD could go and stay with her grandmother? Let her grandmother see what she is really like. You sound like to have done everything you can. I also understand that social services can make the situation significantly worse.

I would encourage you to take your DD on holiday with you and your DH. If she wants to stay in the hotel all day let her. Take yourself off for a walk and a nice meal. Try your absolute best to detach from her. Worrying about it is only going to make you sick. Although her behaviour is very risky you are not going to be able to change the outcome. Just try and stay calm for your own sanity. There is a chance that this is a phase that she will come out of in time. Lots of children do and go on to be perfectly stable.

Please go and talk to your doctor again about yourself and your DD. Maybe your DD would talk to the doctor on her own and perhaps get some counselling. You should also ask to see a counsellor to help you develop strategies on how to cope with your DD. I did and it made a difference.

There are some great threads on the teenage board. You will hear from mums who know exactly what you are going through. You are certainly not alone. Look after yourself.

Pat45, I agree that the OP should focus on her DD but her marriage is dead, her words. The OP has probably tried every combination of words and actions to demonstrate that her and their daughter need attention and support but that hasnt changed anything because her H has checked out of her marriage and parenting. The OP's surrendered wife routine and her H's self absorption can't possibly be helping her DD. Therefore investing any more time and energy on this selfish man and unfulfilling relationship is at best time wasted and at worst, time invested in a relationship which has damaged her DD.

Pat I was the poster who said my children would not smash up the house -and I stand by it.

I do feel that the OP has been treated with respect and given excellent advice.

Do you know her personally, because you are implying that you know best and we are wrong.
I do believe that the dh is hiding something and obviously this is my opinion. Why is it wrong to suggest this to the OP?
Unless you know her, how do you know that this is untrue?
What if it was to help her, or even someone else going through this.

I apologized above for upsetting the OP by using doormatty to describe her stance, maybe I should have used surrendered wife as Ise suggested.

The OP seems to have taken none of the advice on board, but only showed emotion, fire and spirit at me.

I have encouraged her to take control and demand respect from all around her. I hope she takes that energy and anger at me and utilises it with sorting out her marriage.

I do know that it's hard and extremely painful, and I wish the OP well.

How are you coping OP? Is your husband away now? Have you given any more thought to spending time with your daughter away from home and her friends?