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Original poster

Husband going on holiday and leaving me alone with trouble teen

124 replies

Tanya34 · 24/07/2014 11:32

My husband is going on 3 rd holiday this year which I really don't mind . Problem is our teen daughter is in with wrong crowd drink drugs last time he was abroad she was put in hospital by one of her so called friends she was kicked unconscious and had her head stamped on was a awful time that I had to go through alone I begged husband not to go but he did anyways . Now he leaving again for a week and I'm dreading it every night is a drama drunken daughter kicks off has even hit me and smashed up my house this is not a one off it a regular thing I think he is sooooo selfish leaving me to deal with this alone again apperently he "really needs this holiday" I feel like burning his passport does anyone else think he is selfish or am I just jealous and overreacting?

OP posts:
TurboWithAKick · 24/07/2014 11:59

Which is the biggest problem for you... your dd issues or Dh issues?

Original poster
Tanya34 · 24/07/2014 12:00

My daughter I'm worried sick for her safety every time she leaves house knowing she is in with a bad crowd it's breaking my heart

OP posts:
rhubarbcrumbleplease · 24/07/2014 12:02

Could you book something for the 3 of you specifically excluding DH's mate? If DD was involved in the planning would she be more amenable to coming & participating?

Nancy66 · 24/07/2014 12:05

This is not normal in a healthy marriage. What do you think he gets up to on these holidays?

Your husband is living a single life within his marriage. You need to put your foot down or end things. Sorry it really doesn't sound that he cares very much about his family

Original poster
Tanya34 · 24/07/2014 12:06

I don't feel like he cares at all family means the world to me and he has diff views it seems

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Original poster
Tanya34 · 24/07/2014 12:07

Tried that she has no interest in spending any time with us at all I have tried everything

OP posts:
TurboWithAKick · 24/07/2014 12:08

Taking her away will get her away from them for a while
Does she come and go as she pleases? Have no job/structure to her day?

Original poster
Tanya34 · 24/07/2014 12:10

She has just left school so spends days with so calle friends getting up to no good then comes home and is either angry or upset nothing I can do or say helps I feel like I'm walking on eggshells wondering what I'm gonna be dealing with every time she comes home

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Theas18 · 24/07/2014 12:11

and to ask the usual MN question then....

Tanya what do you get out of this marriage? Is he dripping gold, George clooney in bed, what?

Heathcliff27 · 24/07/2014 12:11

Tbh I think the obvious issues in your marriage are maybe not helping your DD

Original poster
Tanya34 · 24/07/2014 12:13

I wish I get nothing at all I love him dearly we have been together 15 years think our marriage is dead but don't want to admit it or is it just because I'm going through a hard time with dd I don't know my head is all over

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 24/07/2014 12:13

First if all I'd ask wtf he is doing, why he thinks he "needs" a holiday any less than you.

What help,is he giving to you as a family. Unless it's a lot you might be better to cut your losses, he already has by ignoring you and your families needs.

His friend needs to butt out.

You need some help with your daughter, be that from gp, cahms, social services but someone needs to help, I'd try your go first and see where he refers you.

((Hugs))

LIZS · 24/07/2014 12:15

Focus on your dd. She can't leave school now without something in place for next year. Take her away , even if you just sit on a balcony or by a pool somewhere warm. Give yourself time to reflect on your marriage and work out what to do next . You could have his bags packed for his return and his "friend" can pick up the pieces.

Original poster
Tanya34 · 24/07/2014 12:16

Thanks I have had every professional availiable try to help but dd refuses any kind of help at all she seems to be on self destruct it's so scarey to watch your child going dwn the wrong path dh thinks I should just leave her to it ??? Yeah coz that will help??

OP posts:
Original poster
Tanya34 · 24/07/2014 12:18

My dd is my only focus she is my whole world

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Original poster
Tanya34 · 24/07/2014 12:24

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied to my question nice to know I'm not alone I really appriciate all your kind words :)

OP posts:
SirRaymondClench · 24/07/2014 12:28

Is your DH friend male or female?

Original poster
Tanya34 · 24/07/2014 12:29

Friend is male he was more interested in hanging with friend me and dd even had to eat out alone in strange country most evenings as he was in bar with his friend as I'm writing this I can see how pathetic I am allowing this to go on ??

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Original poster
Tanya34 · 24/07/2014 12:29

Male

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tiggerkid · 24/07/2014 12:38

Feel a bit better knowing I'm not alone in thinking this is all wrong his happiness seems to be priority all the time

His happiness definitely seems to be a bigger priority to him than yours! 3 foreign holidays in 1 year is a luxury for most people anyway. To take these holidays for himself alone knowing there is a difficult situation at home is not only unreasonable but, IMHO, sends a very clear message that he couldn't care less about anyone except number one. If there is a family budget involved in this as well, then it's even more unacceptable.

He really needs a holiday? It seems like a good time to tell him that you do too! This aside, separate holidays isn't really a solution for the future. I think you need a serious chat with him about your concerns regarding dealing with your DD as a family unit. And I'd say you are well within your right to say that 3 single holidays per year is just not on and you find it selfish and hurtful that he keeps ignoring your feelings and abandoning you while he goes off to have his fun. Try to tell him that you would like a plan that would consider and include all of you as a family, not just him as a single boy, who can do as he pleases.

I feel quite outraged just reading your original post! You definitely do have patience of a saint for not considering telling him where to go altogether!

Original poster
Tanya34 · 24/07/2014 12:40

I do feel like telling him where to go most days my patience is running low

OP posts:
NynaevesSister · 24/07/2014 12:40

Is there a country you would like to visit? A place you could go to that interests you? I would go on my own with DD (assume only child) for as long as possible. Leave her in the room/villa if that's what she wants. Don't let your holiday be dictated by her behaviour. Why did you spend your time sitting outside the door if your daughter's hotel room anyway at the age of 15? Did you worry she would run away?

I'd be tempted to go somewhere like India or Vietnam or anywhere that there are people with real problems. And a language barrier that she can't easily overcome. She sounds like she really hates herself right now and that she thinks you'd really hate her too if you 'knew' what she is really like.

Somehow you need to give her the chance to get away from the bad crowd.

And otherwise just your unconditional love. She will one day appreciate that someone loved her enough not to give up on her.

tiggerkid · 24/07/2014 13:00

I would go on my own with DD (assume only child) for as long as possible. Leave her in the room/villa if that's what she wants. Don't let your holiday be dictated by her behaviour

If I was going on my own, I personally would be inclined to leave DD with DH because otherwise he will be having his single boy fun again while the OP will be stuck dealing with DD. It's going to be extremely hard not to let the holiday be dictated by the child you left on her own in the room! If she is going to be on her own in the room, she may as well stay with DH, who sounds like he needs to learn some responsibility anyway! It seems to me OP needs a good break and some peace, so should probably either go alone with a book or with a friend just like DH.

If the family is in a position to afford 3 holidays and DH wants one alone, then the split should be as follows: 2 independent holidays - 1 for OP and 1 for DH (each party taking turns in looking after DD) and 1 joint holiday for the family. The alternative is to take DD every time, in which case she will be the one with 3 holidays and both OP and DH can still have some peaceful break at home.

NynaevesSister · 24/07/2014 13:50

I was responding to the OP's bigger concern, what is happening to her 16 year old daughter. I can't see her going off on hols leaving her behind to spend as much time drinking and taking drugs as she like, in the care of a man whose approach is to do nothing.

Original poster
Tanya34 · 24/07/2014 14:02

Me and dd have had time away she knows I love her all the world she just seems to hate me at min I will never turn my bk on her or give up trying to get through to her its just so hard and draining doing it alone I personally think she is screaming out for attention from dh

OP posts: