To feel traumatised by giving birth, even though it was pretty textbook?

[Bean89]

I had my first baby 12 days ago and I absolutely adore her (obviously), but I can't stop thinking about giving birth to her. I was only in established labour for about 4 hours and did it with gas & air and pethidine. I did tear quite badly and needed stitches, but I didn't notice myself tearing and the stitches were a doddle because I was off my tits on g&a.
So why do I feel so traumatised by it? I know that there are people out there who would kill to have had a birth like mine but it was just so...visceral and painful and frightening. I screamed from start to finish and completely lost control of myself, which again, I know is pretty normal.
I mentioned to my community midwife how upset by it I was feeling and was told not to be silly. Is it unreasonable to expect to be taken seriously even though by common standards it was an 'easy' birth? Is it normal to feel like this?

Another one to suggest a debriefing session. Don't wait to see how u get on - ask for it now (as it may take a couple of weeks to set up). I had one and it changed nothing about what happened on the day but everything about how I felt and thought about it. Just little things like knowing exactly how long x took (not just fast or slow iykwim) really helped give me back a feeling of control. It took me 15 months to admit this was info I needed and I wish I had done it 15 months earlier.

Look after yourself.

Another one who totally relates to your experience. I had a technically ok birth with no pain relief - it was abroad and I think they just didn't agree with it - I had some homeopathic remedies! I just felt totally in shock afterwards - I remember crying on the phone to my SIL the next day sobbing - why didn't you tell me! I totally felt like id been run over by a truck - and was really pissed off that after a couple of days I was expected to act as if nothing had happened and just get on with things.
My DH was great and basically counselled me for many months afterwards as I just wanted to talk about it and check details with him about what had happened, when and how. I remember reading about a tribal culture where after birth the mother had to stay in bed and be waited on hand and foot by her family who did all cleaning and cooking and told her how fab she was - for 1 month. That seems about right to me.
The only really positive thing that came out of the experience - apart from my gorgeous dd of course, was that I just thought -wow! You did that all by yourself and it did make me feel very strong. Also I'm much more able to cope with other types of pain - everything else pales in comparison...

YANBU, I absolutely agree. Mine was only 5 hours, baby shot out in a couple of pushes, no pain relief whatsoever - sound great, right? Or in other words, induced on a drip with back to back baby, epidural that didn't work but nurses didn't believe me. If someone comes recommending some birth book or the other and telling me how I should have just used music and stress balls, sooo helpful, I might just shove those stress balls somewhere..

OP my second birth was 5 hours long and scared the absolute shit out of me. The intensity frightened me big time, the pain sucked but the intensity and being out of control was worse.

Technically I was only in 'established labour' for an hour but thats bullshit, I was in full on labour for 5 hours and not a minute less.

Ive always said, give me a nice 10 hour birth and that'll do me fine. My first was 13 hours long.

I haven't read all replies so I'm sorry if this has been said.
I would ignore her remarks, then phone up and ask to talk to the midwife that delivered your baby. Chances are she will have forgotten her unhelpful offhand remark. Leave a message so that they can get your notes beforehand. Explain you were off your head on g&a and need to talk about it. Worked great for me. Hth.

It might not be of comfort to you OP but you've really made me feel 'normal' that I'm not alone in this.

I had a 16 minute delivery with DS3 and it seems to others like the perfect birth because it was so quick but to me It was terrifying and I think a lot of my PND was brought on by it.

I was in hospital already (thank god) and they put in the pessary for induction, then contractions started getting really strong after only 20 minutes so they took it out and everything stopped.

Then declared that although technically they shouldn't stop an induction, the labour ward was at bursting point and I'd have to wait for another day.

So I settled in, went about the day as normal (gossiping to the other ladies whist sitting in my wheelchair) and went to bed as normal.

Then suddenly about midnight my waters broke, I called a nurse who shrugged it off and said to keep and eye out for anything.

By the time she'd got back to the nurses station and I'd rung the bell to get her back I was 9cm and they ran all the way with my bed out the ward and DS crowned in the lift and was born as we got into the first room.

I felt nothing until about 5 mins after my waters went then all I felt was horrific pain.

This happened with DS2's birth too, they wouldn't believe me and laughed when I told them it was a concern when I was pregnant with DS3.

I have flashbacks and it really terrifies me.

Congratulations OP

All I can say is that giving birth simply is a really traumatising experience! It helped me a lot to talk about it, mostly with all the other mums from my antenatal class. None of us had a bloody magical birth. Makes me want to punch people in the face, really!

The only good thing is that the memory will fade amazingly quickly, otherwise I would never have agreed to having a second one!

I had PTS after DD2 was born, at home in the pool with only G&A as planned. On paper it was the perfect birth (mainly because my birth notes were a pack of lies), in practice the MWs treated me like a slab of meat. It took me 18 months to go and ask for help and I must have replayed the birth and the few days afterwards over and over in my head a million times.

The BTA are fantastic, they have online support or you can phone and ask for recommendations of someone local. My GP and counsellor took it very seriously and didn't send me packing or tell me to toughen up or any of that stuff.

A debriefing session sounds helpful, however I'm fairly sure the lady who delivered my baby is now on maternity leave! I vaguely remember discussing it when I was being stitched up, but I was absolutely off my face on gas & air.
I've been reading through my postnatal record today to try and make some sense of it. I think not being able to remember a lot of it is what's making it more difficult to deal with.

Childbirth can be traumatic for reasons you never imagined.

I had an emergency section under GA and baby had to be resuscitated - both of us got ill with an infection during labour and he went to SCBU for ten days.

However, what particularly traumatised me at the time was (a) not seeing him for several hours after the birth and (b) when he was given to me, he wasn't wearing the clothes I'd brought with me for him, the nurses had dressed him from the SCBU wardrobe.

It took me a year to stop having panic attacks and anxiety. I developed PND and OCD. Counselling helped massively.

It sounds like your labour and birth were v traumatic, esp with tearing :(

See how you are coping over the weeks and, in the meantime, I hope you speak to a more sensitive professional

Just to say, OP, I had a locum midwife visit me at home and she was a fucking cow.

Basically, she told me off for having dog hair on my sofa and said my baby would get ill as a result. That comment triggered my OCD - I obsessed about my baby dying because my house wasn't clean enough.

I could mention her nasty comments about the fact I was finding bf hellish and all comments she made implying that I was making a fuss due to my anxieties but, suffice to say, when the bitch finally left, I felt ten times worse than I did before.

These people should think carefully about how their comments affect their patients.

I completely sympathise OP. I too had a text book birth. Coped with gas and air. Tiny little tear etc. I still found the whole being scared ( at first) and out of control hard to deal with after. I also couldn't remember all of it. Day 5-14 after birth was the hardest and I did think it was traumatic and would think over it again and again. What helped me was sitting with my DH and talking it through over and over again for a few weeks. I know he was worried but the talking about it helped as did his views on things. My NCT group were very good. All of us reacted differently and in the first few months we talked about how we felt a lot! Congratulations on your baby and I hope you feel better soon. That midwife was an idiot though!

That midwife sounds like she enjoys making women feel inadequate, women who are at their most vulnerable. If you felt up to to it, you could complain about her.

It sounds like you've had a very traumatic time. What helped me was talking and talking about it, and actually talking about it with a therapist later. Sometimes our brains don't realise that the trauma is over so we are in a heightened state of fear until we can process it.

Good luck and congratulations on your lovely baby, it all gets easier

YANBU op. I had a birth which sounds similar in some ways to yours - really gave me the rage when other mothers said to me 'oh lucky you' because it was short! Yes I'm glad not to have had that pain for 24 hours, of course I am, but it really wasn't easy and I wrote and talked about it compulsively for quite a long time afterwards. I had a nice neighbour who said that she'd found her first 12-hour birth much easier than her second 4 hour birth. I had a midwife come and talk me through my notes but tbh I only found it slightly helpful as the notes were someone else's external view of what i was experiencing . I think it's common to think or say that someone is 'doing really well' because they've shut up screaming or stopped asking awkward questions, but I think it's quite common for labouring women to go quiet for some periods when they're in intense pain, and I certainly couldn't organise a coherent sentence at the time. Surviving is doing really well, to me.

Most definitely YANBU!! I felt traumatised by the birth of DS1, only I didn't realise/acknowledge it at the time. I just thought this must be how it is, pull yourself together. I was physically and emotionally traumatised by it - it was a relatively long labour 24hrs, various complications incl it being discovered fairly late on he was deflexed OP (basically back to back with head extended rather than chin to chest - about the worst position!), blood loss etc. Ended up having him in theatre with forceps (my community midwife later read my notes and commented that she was amazed it hadn't ended in a C section. I suffered from terrible piles afterwards and was very sore with that and stitches for episiotomy.

It was only after I'd had DC2 that I realised how traumatised I'd been, because by comparison it was a breeze and I just felt ok afterwards. Sore of course and tired, but not traumatised. It was a much more straightforward and quicker labour, which helps of course. Plus it wasn't my first time, so I knew what to expect etc.

It just made me realise how hard it had been first time and how I should have sought help and support at the time to enable me to come to terms with what had happened. I know that when the "baby blues" kicked in on day 5 after DC1, all I kept dwelling on as I sobbed into my pillow was the birth itself and how I felt I'd let my baby down.

Now I know that you can request a debrief with the hospital/birth centre, and someone will take you through your notes and talk about what happened and hopefully help you to fill in any blanks or better understand why certain things happened/were done. I'd definitely recommend this based on how you are feeling. It is entirely normal to feel how you are, as I've discovered from talking to lots of mums since, but it isn't something you have to just accept and live with.

I am certain in hindsight that I suffered from PND to some extent after DC1, and would attribute it to the birth and my reaction to it. Please don't suffer and isolate yourself, approach your midwife or the hospital and see if you can go back and talk it all through.

I do hope you start to feel better soon.

A debriefing session sounds helpful, however I'm fairly sure the lady who delivered my baby is now on maternity leave

I had a de brief years after the event. I was amazed at how detailed the notes where! I wondered where they actually had time to help me!

They were run through with me by totally different mw,very detailed but no mention of of the epidural I asked for

I have a copy of my birthing notes. It helped me after my third child was born. I had a horrible time when the cord was found to be around his neck and the room suddenly became full of people and machinery. I just needed to see what the official version of events was.DH was more traumatised by what he saw,than I had any idea of what was occurring! I had no complaint about my treatment.

I think you have cause to complain about your midwife,though. How horrible.

I have a copy of my birthing notes. It helped me after my third child was born. I had a horrible time when the cord was found to be around his neck and the room suddenly became full of people and machinery. I just needed to see what the official version of events was.DH was more traumatised by what he saw,than I had any idea of what was occurring! I had no complaint about my treatment.

I think you have cause to complain about your midwife,though. How horrible.

I can totally understand the shock of giving birth- I was stunned by how difficult it was to let go. Ten months on I still think of it regularly. My DH also was very traumatised I think- perhaps even more than I was and he kept repeating the story to anyone and everyone and to me. I was shocked by the impact it had on him. YANBU.

One thing I wish I had realised and some of my friends who like me had an EMCS or other who had forceps delivery was how ill it all makes you. At a couple of weeks post delivery your tears are still healing and it may be months before you feel physically recovered. Yet everyone expects you to resume normal service and care for a baby. There is no other occasion you would be expected just to be up and recovered so soon after these injuries. It wasn't until months later I looked at pictures an realised how sick I had been. So be kind to yourself, don't feel you should instantly get over this. Keep talking to people her or in RL. It is early days, but you will get over this.

I had realised and some of my friends who like me had an EMCS or other who had forceps delivery was how ill it all makes you

same here, and mine was text book, huge clumps like liver coming out of me, for days on end, back hurt so much had to walk hunched, couldnt shower for ten days because of burning sting...cried when wanted to go to loo....

( ELC recovery was far better than all that!)

Just to clarify- by you will get over this I did not mean you should not get a debrief or counselling- I just meant you are not alone and you can get through this.

I have a copy of my birthing notes. It helped me after my third child was born. I had a horrible time when the cord was found to be around his neck and the room suddenly became full of people and machinery. I just needed to see what the official version of events was.DH was more traumatised by what he saw,than I had any idea of what was occurring! I had no complaint about my treatment.

I think you have cause to complain about your midwife,though. How horrible.

Please complain about that midwife, she has caused you a lot of upset when she could have helped you. And she is able to talk to other people like that as wel
I had dd 20 years ago and i remember feeling traumatised afterwards,does get better though.

At the time I remember people used to say that something special happens to a womens brain to help her forget the pain of childbirth, that must bea myth though.

Well, MN is a funny old place. I had a thread on here a couple of weeks ago where I asked if my DH was BU to have compared his totally routine dental pain to childbirth and was told I was being ridiculous and that dental pain could EASILY be worse than childbirth and lots of people came out of the woodwork to say they would happily go through childbirth 10 times over rather than have toothache etc etc.

And now here we have a thread where suddenly half of MN have had awful labours and the consensus is that labour can be horrible and traumatizing... that's a turn up for the books!

Glad you are getting sympathy and kindness on this thread anyway, OP. I feel for you as I was in a similar state of mind after my DS's birth. There is something visceral and horrible about childbirth pain. It really does make you feel close to death when it's bad. My labour was very long and failed to progress and at one point when DS got stuck, the pain was just horrendous. I had a bitchy midwife too who tried to dismiss the pain I was in.

I think a lot of the trauma of childbirth comes from the lies that go on and minimization of women's experiences in society, not least by other women. The natural birth movement encourages women to think they can breathe through the pain and transcend it and birth will be a glorious experience when if you look at history, anesthesia was actually developed for women in labour. Childbirth was so bad it was traditionally considered a punishment from God, FFS! Yet now we are taught to think of it as 'natural' and 'empowering'. All I can say is that if men were giving birth, epidurals and ELCS would be the norm... women do like to make other women feel bad about their choices and experiences.

everyone goes on about how magical it was
I have NEVER in my life met anyone who warbled on in this fashion. Thank fuck. It's a means to an end except you get a lovely baby rather than a giant turd as a reward.