To feel traumatised by giving birth, even though it was pretty textbook?

[Bean89]

I had my first baby 12 days ago and I absolutely adore her (obviously), but I can't stop thinking about giving birth to her. I was only in established labour for about 4 hours and did it with gas & air and pethidine. I did tear quite badly and needed stitches, but I didn't notice myself tearing and the stitches were a doddle because I was off my tits on g&a.
So why do I feel so traumatised by it? I know that there are people out there who would kill to have had a birth like mine but it was just so...visceral and painful and frightening. I screamed from start to finish and completely lost control of myself, which again, I know is pretty normal.
I mentioned to my community midwife how upset by it I was feeling and was told not to be silly. Is it unreasonable to expect to be taken seriously even though by common standards it was an 'easy' birth? Is it normal to feel like this?

Oh no! I think your midwife sounds very odd and you have been unlucky with her. I have never checked stitches myself (far too distressing).

All that moving about you had to do between rooms was less than ideal too. It does not actually sound like a textbook birth to me!

And no woman has ever, ever described a birth as magical to me!!

We might end up laughing about our birth stories, but its just gallows humour!

YANBU in the slightest. Giving birth the first time was the most traumatic experience of my life, although mine was pretty much 'text book' apart from being drip-induced with no pain control except gas and air and the baby being back to back can you tell I'm not bitter? Second degree tear and all that. Looking back, I realised I had pretty 'text book' symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder after the birth - flashbacks, obsessive thoughts, numbness, panic attacks - but 'luckily' I was so shell-shocked by the birth I kind of just muddled through for about three months, not mentioning it to anyone, until I started feeling better.

I remember reading something afterwards: hearing birth described as 'surviving a car crash' and that's exactly how I felt - as if I'd just got out alive. To this day, I don't understand how my body could conjure up so much pain.

If it makes you feel better, I had my second son in a pool in a maternity unit, no induction, again just gas and air and whilst it was fucking painful, I could somehow cope with it 1000% times better than I did the first birth. We checked out of the hospital 6 hours after the birth and I was literally springing around, making tea, doing all those things that I thought I'd be doing the first time (when in fact I was staggering around like a zombie).

Sorry, didn't mean to go on. That first birth was five years ago and as you can probably tell from the above, I'm possibly still not over it?
What you are feeling is entirely normal.
Congratulations on your baby.!

I sympathise hugely.

Have had 2 quick births. One was just over 3 hours. And the second was just over an hour (baby is nearly 3 weeks old). Both I felt hugely out if control.

First one, I didn't really know what was happening at first as the contractions were very irregular. Midwife wasn't very supportive and didn't guide me properly in the pushing stage (I only know this with hindsight following my second birth) Tore badly 3rd degree. Lost lots of blood so felt terrible afterwards.

Second one contractions started and never really stopped. Incredible pain. The moment I arrived at the hospital I needed to push and i was blessed with an angel of a midwife who managed to somehow calm me down enough so I didn't 'push' him out, he just came out himself shortly afterwards giving me only a 1st degree tear and some grazes. It was incredibly painful though, more than my first, and I still remember it painfully clearly.

After both of my births I have to say the worst thing about having fast labours and births is for me they start out of nowhere with little warning. Also all the birth prep/classes/books are irrelevant as the typical descriptions for the build up of labour and contractions are completely irrelevant. And finally there is little time to get pain releif and to be honest pain releif didn't even cross my mind as my mind was so out of control.

My first was a very quick emergency forceps birth after induction with no time for an epidural. It was awful, painful, medicalised and bewildering and I had flashbacks for years and I think it led to PND in my case.

With my 2nd I demanded an epidural as soon as I got to the hospital and kept on until I got it. I had a slower, but lovely delivery with the lights dimmed, music playing and everyone, including me, calm and friendly.

It can be better than the experience you had. An epidural isn't for everyone, but it does put you back in control of what's happening around you.

Another negative to having fast labours and births is that I get this overwhelming urge to shout at first time pregnant women that there is no point in attending birth classes or reading any books as for me they were completely 100% irrelevant.

[Bitter] about my unused stress balls, lavender oil and tens machine

I would have loved an epidural but wouldn't have got it, even if it had managed to cross my mind. I don't think they would be able to give an epidural when you arrive at the hospital fully dilated are they?

Giving birth is horrific tearing is horrific the whole thing hurts and you did it less than a fortnight ago give yourself time to heal physically and emotionally, congrats on your baby though

I think fear and how it's handled by attending staff is a big factor. I agree with others that your experience is probably not as textbook as you think.

The biggest problem during my fast labour (was induced) was that the midwife hae made the assumption and duly informed me inductions take a while.
So an hour later when I was begging my partner to fetch her back because the pain was overwhelming she refused to even examine me because i wasn't due an exam for another half hour.

Except I'd gone from 3 cm to 10 in about 20 minutes. It was only when I was pushing him out she graced me with presence long enough to agree that maybe this wasn't going to take a while after all.

If someone had just taken the time to properly check and explain nothing was wrong it was just progressing fast I probably would have coped better. It's the fear that made the difference with this birth (it was my second).

For births 3 and 4 I had home births after vowing never to set foot in a hospital again. They were both amazing experiences with a brilliant community midwife who never left my side and totally devoid of fear.

To be fair to hospital midwife she might have been run off her feet with 6 patients, I'll never know but it highlighted the importance of one to one care during birth. This was 13 years ago and the situation seems worse now than then.

Dd2 was an induction I hated the urgency to push felt like my insides were falling out it really was horrible I was even scared of those after contractions you get the midwife should have been more supportive it is ok to be honest about it even to the magical birthers

YANBU.

Dd2's birth was horrendous. It is taking me months to get over it.

On paper Dd1's birth sounds more traumatic - 3rd degree tear + PPH, but it was a walk in the park compared to Dd2's.

Your midwife sounds like an arse, I would have a word with the midwifery team because 1)She should check your stitches properly 2) She absolutely should not dismiss your concerns as silly.

Even after my comparatively easy and happy births I've felt the need to 'debrief' in the weeks afterwards, and the experience has come back to me before sleep or in quiet times - not in such a terrible way, but because of my need to process it. It's apparently almost universal. For people who for any number of reasons don't have the support to do this, it does seem to be much more of an issue down the track, it always seems to be part of the reason why you get so many people with years-old horror stories still regularly sharing them on the childbirth forums, not just to warn/frighten newbies but because that's their way or trying to still process it (sometimes with a shot of PTSD).

Have you had a chance to fully talk through your experience with anyone? A mw will be understanding and certainly won't try to minimise your experience just because it may not have been a textbook terrible one. Your memories may well fade soon as you get busy with your baby, but if not don't hesitate to get more help!

I didn't look 'down there' for 4 weeks! I didn't wash 'down there' for 2 weeks as I didn't want to feel the stitches, I just sprayed it from afar with the shower. When I did look you could barely see the scar. I will heal much better than you expect.

Does your hospital do a 'talk about' service? This is where a trained midwife will talk about your birth with you and refer you on if necessary. I found this service excellent and the midwives very caring.

YANBU traumatic is exactly the word I used too. I genuinely thought I was going to die, and leave my husband and child/children without a wife/mother. I didn't have PPD but did have anxiety...and no wonder. It's PTSD surely?! Now about to joke about it, but took about a year.

I joined a parent-baby class and heard so many horrendous stories of far more complicated and traumatic delivery stories than what I had been through. It does seem that traumatic is normal for childbirth, but they don't tell you that in the "breathe through the pushing" bullshit classes.

Whatever you do, DO NOT LOOK AT YOUR STITCHES, or in fact ANYWHERE DOWN THERE until your baby's at least a year old.

How's the breastfeeding going now?

YANBU

Medical professionals and women who have had long arduous labours would probably class my very fast induction with no instruments etc as "good"/"textbook"/"ideal" (except for baby needing CPR at birth). And I was lucky enough to get an epidural very quickly!

It was awful, fucking awful. The labour pain made me think "this must be what it feels like to die in a car crash". I was calm and in good spirits, open minded before I went in but the pain took my breath away.

I'm doing it all again in 12 weeks and shitting myself a bit - I hope to either (1) get to hospital as soon as I have pains and try and get an epidural immediately (there will be no waiting at home to "see how it goes") and (2) have an ELCS for a non-scary reason eg breech baby or if they offer induction I will be requesting one

The trauma does settle and you forget what it was like. The birth of my soon now feels like a dream nightmare that I can not remember all the details about. DH however can remember it in explicit detail... He is adamant that if men had babies all men would have ELCS. And he wants me to have one this time too, if he could choose!

Your midwife was bang out of order OP. Was she one that hadn't had children, out of curiousity? They tend to be a bit worse on the sympathy, I find.

Some women find the whole thing "empowering", "magical" etc and that's lovely for them, I'm pleased they feel that way but it was the worst day of my life!!

At least I know what to expect this time - I am looking forward to AFTERWARDS ie getting home and introducing DS to his new sibling!

Look after yourself and have lots of lovely cake. We know what you mean even if your mum friends don't.

When I was at the hospital for an appointment in this pregnancy I happened to be seen by the midwife who arranged my epidural with lightning speed and collared the anaesthetist just before he went into a c-section.

She thought initially she must have delivered my baby because I remembered her! When I told her why I remembered her she was surprised, she said most women only remember the anaesthetist (who I would kiss the feet of if I met him again, admittedly). I told her I would be grateful to her for the rest of my life for recognising straight away that my pain was so intense from the get-go and getting me that epidural within 20 minutes.

I love that woman

Congratulations on your baby!

I don't think YABU at all, giving birth is terrifying. Mine was fairly straightforward, I was induced and from pessary in to baby out was 13 hours. I had no slow labour build up I was straight to contractions within 3 hours of being started off. I had an episiotomy and had a third degree tear and I only had pethedine when contractions started and gas and air during pushing which they took off me as I barely used it. I had to have a spinal block in order to be repaired but straight after my DS was born I was thinking 'oh that's not so bad'!!! Then in the weeks that followed that turned to 'ohmygod that was awful!!' It took over a year before I could talk about my birth without crying mainly as DS had to go scbu later in the day. I feel better about it now and would definitely do it again!

Oh and DS is 2.3 years and I've not looked or felt 'down there' yet to see how it is!!

Congratulations again enjoy this lovely time and ignore people and their 'magical' births!!

Congratulations OP :)

It's all been said already, wise words upthread. I've had 4 DCs, each experience was different. Each one was a back to back labor, each was traumatic.

I just wanted to say that my DH was traumatised by DD4s birth. She is his first baby. He was a wonderful birth partner - but broke down at the end and cried and cried. It was touch and go for baby at one point and he says he thought he was going to loose one or both of us. I was so worried about him!

He had nightmares for 2 weeks. He says never again, and he means it!

I think all the 'prep and planning' we have now during labor can mean we forget that once birth is under way 90% of it is out of our hands really. You can feel very out of control. And it bloody hurts!

Congratulations

I had birth trauma which I ignored for 13 years and it manifested itself in anxiety. I had cbt counselling and feel so much better I wish I don't it years ago.

It might fade but if it doesn't talk to your gp about being referred for counselling. I got mine through health insurance through work if you have anything similar ?

Your mw sounds like mine, told me I wouldn't have time for pnd when I had very good reason to be concerned as most of the women in my family had had severe pnd. Bloody useless

I had a 'lovely' birth with my ds. To be honest I think I just blacked out for most it because of the pain.

Yanbu. I'm dreading doing It again

Congrats on the squishy new baby Xxx

I hated my fast, "natural" (was induced with drip but only on g&a) birth. My first birth (also a drip induction) I had an epidural and felt significantly more positive about the whole thing afterwards.
Don't look at your stitches until you can feel things are back to normal.
It sounds like your midwife has become desensitised to her patients feelings. Don't take her reaction as a sign that those feelings are legitimate.

Perfectly natural to feel like that. I did too. I had dc1 by emergency casarean section under a general anaesthetic. I always thought it was because something was seriously wrong.

Needless to say, I want keen on going natural for dc2 and ended up sobbing in the vbac midwives office. She did a debrief and said I was beig closely monitored and they didn't have some blood works back in order to give me a local anaesthetic.

It is scary, especially if you haven't had much experience of being in hospital. Push for a debrief if you need one.

You Mumsnetters are alright y'know
I had a long chat with my OH about how I was feeling last night and I think part of the problem is that due to the pain relief I did have, my memory of it all is pretty fuzzy. All I remember clearly is totally losing control and being in agony, but my OH says that once I'd had the pain relief I regained control and did really well. I think if I could remember this I'd feel a bit better about the whole thing.
I'm terrified that if I have another baby my labour will be even quicker and I won't have time for an epidural. The only reason I didn't with this one was because it was going to take too long to get it.
I just think the whole thing has been awful, pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding (which has improved, except now I have mastitis! Thank you to the lady who asked about that), dealing with the aftermath of the birth etc. My daughter is wonderful and makes it all worth it, but I hate that my memory of her coming into the world makes me feel so dirty and horrible.
And I definitely won't be looking at my stitches any time soon- I'm still bleeding for goodness sake, who wants to see that?!

Bean-I remember my cousin describing the feeling as 'really weird, like toothpaste being squeezed out of a tube' she was very disturbed by it too.

OP you are not being silly at all. I know exactly how you feel as I have been going through similar and I gave birth 15 days ago. I was induced and had a very quick labour, established labour was 35 mins and I had completely lost control when it came to that. My memory is also fuzzy as I sort of zoned out but all I can remember is begging for an epidural/cesarean/general anaesthetic to ease the pain. At one point I was wanting to die so the pain would be over.
It does get better. The past couple of days especially I haven't thought about it that much and it's a lot easier to talk about.
I hope it gets better for you too

YANBU OP!

I had what would be described as a very 'normal' delivery, gas and air, 12 hours labour. However I had complications afterwards as my placenta wouldn't deliver and I haemorrhaged.

I found labour horrifically painful, my contractions were intense and there was barely a gap inbetween. I hated the pressure of the baby coming down and my God, crowning! Awful! Afterwards I told everyone it was horrendous and I was never doing it again. I hated it and just wanted it to be over.

I felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I'm 38 weeks pregnant with DC.2 and I'm terrified.