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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel traumatised by giving birth, even though it was pretty textbook?

103 replies

Bean89 · 23/07/2014 23:31

I had my first baby 12 days ago and I absolutely adore her (obviously), but I can't stop thinking about giving birth to her. I was only in established labour for about 4 hours and did it with gas & air and pethidine. I did tear quite badly and needed stitches, but I didn't notice myself tearing and the stitches were a doddle because I was off my tits on g&a.
So why do I feel so traumatised by it? I know that there are people out there who would kill to have had a birth like mine but it was just so...visceral and painful and frightening. I screamed from start to finish and completely lost control of myself, which again, I know is pretty normal.
I mentioned to my community midwife how upset by it I was feeling and was told not to be silly. Is it unreasonable to expect to be taken seriously even though by common standards it was an 'easy' birth? Is it normal to feel like this?

OP posts:
RumbleMum · 24/07/2014 09:54

YANBU. It is traumatic and I felt like I was in shock after my first, having had a similar experience. The midwife who dismissed your feelings was bang out of order - please do talk to your health visitor when your care transfers over and don't feel guilty about your feelings.

If it helps, I was terrified of doing it again so did a hypnobirthing course for my second - it's very good for normalising the whole thing and gives you some really useful tools for coping (even if it is a bit hippy in parts for my taste). Birth number two was so much calmer and I never felt that out of control terror I did first time round.

Be kind to yourself ....

SweetSummerSweetPea · 24/07/2014 10:07

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/what_is_trauma.htm

SweetSummerSweetPea · 24/07/2014 10:11

same here op, so called straight forward birth, 6 hours, one tiny tear, no problems! pethadine and gas and air.

Its taken me 5 years to get over it. I had an elc the next time and it was amazing compared to the labour.

look into elc for next time round, some of us mentally and emotionally are not compatible with vaginal birth!

the head MW who met me to run through other options before my ELC....said I have wonderful birthing hips.

Great, but I am a person, who is attached to those hips!

Look at the Birth trauma website....allow yourself to feel traumatised...your nct group feel one way but many others like me felt trauma after so called easy births...its natural people will react differently, some ladies are physically put through the mill and brush it off.

we are all different.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 24/07/2014 10:23

I joined a parent-baby class and heard so many horrendous stories of far more complicated and traumatic delivery stories than what I had been through. It does seem that traumatic is normal for childbirth, but they don't tell you that in the "breathe through the pushing" bullshit classes

Yep....bullshit, and making women feel its a wonderful thing we all need to experience and we are missing out if we dont,

go and put your hand in a blender..that is what your missing out on, put it in a blender for an un specified time and when you think the pain will go, make the blender go even faster.

I am hoping to encourage my girls to have sections. but our stupid culture will of course be making them feel like they have missed out on something and I suspect only when they are self catherstiing due to bladder tear they will believe me that birth is horrific.

Op, please call PALS - patients advisory liaison service about that MW and tell them what happened. its not on, really horrid.

stagsden · 24/07/2014 10:27

YA definately NBU however you midwife is very bloody unreasonable and deserves a complaint against her!

I agree with many others that fast labours can be far more traumatic. I was told i was just about 6cm, given pethadine and midwife tottered off for a break, less than 2 minutes after shed left the room i was at pushing stage. I felt totally out if control, i wasnt ready for it, the pethadine was making the loss of control feeling worse. I wanted it to stop but of course it cant. The feeling of him moving down was horrible (that bit still makes me shudder now). It was petrifying and very traumatic. Couple this with the fact that ny baby got in serious distress and the room flooded with 2consulants and 4midwives - it was horrific!

I had counselling for mine, i can look back on it without total terror now (if gp wont refer to counselling, then look at private (cost varies a lot according to where you live), but you should only need 2-3sessions to feel a lot better about it). However i do plan on epidural this time round and am still very scared of the pushing stage.

Oh and your next labour probably wont be as fast if you dont have pethidine (its a side effect of pethidine to cause rapid dilation). So try not to worry about that happening again.

Also whatever you do, do not look at your own stitches - what an awful midwife to even suggest it! Its her job and if she doesnt want to do her job she needs to change career.

Bean89 · 24/07/2014 10:47

Honestly, the way the midwife spoke to me it was like EVERYONE OBVIOUSLY checks their own stitches after birth. I was made to feel a bit stupid for not doing it- I'm glad to know it's not standard procedure!
The subsequent midwives and even the breastfeeding support worker who came to see me all said 'I bet I can guess who you're talking about' when I mentioned she'd been a bit off/not offered help with breastfeeding. Just goes to show.
Thanks for the link, I think I'm going to continue to try and talk it out with my partner and if it doesn't improve I'll mention it to the HV. I know it's not been long since I had her so it's all very raw.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 24/07/2014 11:05

Talking about it helps a lot either with your partner, mum or friends but also with professionals if you think it would help.

Some of the descriptions are totally ringing true. I remember feeling like I'd been hit by a truck and physically post birth I was pretty good shape. It's really really tough and you should report that midwife.

SharkBearGator · 24/07/2014 11:08

My DD is 7 months old and I still can't forget it. The birth was pretty much straight forward except that she was back to back, but I wasn't told until an hour after I had delivered as the midwife thought it would be better if I didn't know.

I remember sitting in the pool and being in such crippling, non stop pain and how it was nothing like I remember my first birth being. I felt so out of control, and I think that if I'd been told about DDs presentation I might have been able to get my head around why the pain was so much worse.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 24/07/2014 11:11

The proffs of course are trained to help you can call BT and say what happens when had a bad experience.

SharkBearGator

Mine was back to back also it took me 5 years to find out....

Honeslty ladies ! do think about ELC! recovery is not a walk in the park but you know what to expect....and the delivery is wonderful, elc is a wonderful way to have a baby!

Picklepest · 24/07/2014 11:11

I had an emc. After induction. The whole hospital experience terrified me. I cannot describe my fear it is just simply the most scared I have ever felt. Primal.

Anyway, took me months to get over it. Bit PTSD like I guess. But it does recede and it does get better. You may even fancy another! We have. There's 18mths between them. And this time I planned csec and was in full control. It was easier as I had experience. It will be ok. Promise.

lightahead · 24/07/2014 11:16

I had a fairly textbook first birth but genuinely thought lwas going to die, I am a nurse and could not believe the human body could experience such pain and not die, 18yrs later l still think about it. For me recognising that lots of people have real psychological trauma after easy births helped

Gen35 · 24/07/2014 11:47

Birth is just crap, you get a wonderful baby at the end of you're lucky but it's just a horrible process. I had sweaty nightmares after dc1's birth for 6 months and my husband had to tell me to stop telling everyone my birth story in detail and sounding so bitter when my dc was nearly 2...reading all these stories, I'm definitely getting an epidural with dc2 if there's time, if I'd attempted dc1 without one there wouldn't be a second.

Brices · 24/07/2014 11:55

I had the textbook home waterbirth, four hours, no stitches / tears and yet I couldn't sleep for weeks afterwards constantly re-playing video of it all in my mind. Terrible experience hated it.
Next child had epidural no trauma no pain, great experience.
Childbirth IMO overrated

SweetSummerSweetPea · 24/07/2014 12:43

Who gets Birth Trauma?

<strong>Birth trauma is in the eye of the beholder</strong>’
Cheryl Beck (Nursing Research January/February 2004 Vol 53, No.1)

It is clear that some women experience events during childbirth (as well as in pregnancy or immediately after birth) that would traumatise any normal person.
For other women, it is not always the sensational or dramatic events that trigger childbirth trauma but other factors such as loss of control, loss of dignity, the hostile or difficult attitudes of the people around them, feelings of not being heard or the absence of informed consent to medical procedures.

Research into the area is limited and, to date, it has largely focused on the importance of the type of delivery. It is clear however, that there are risk factors for Post Natal PTSD which include a very complicated mix of objective (e.g. the type of delivery) and subjective (e.g. feelings of loss of control) factors. They include:

Lengthy labour or short and very painful labour
Induction
Poor pain relief
Feelings of loss of control
High levels of medical intervention
Traumatic or emergency deliveries, e.g. emergency caesarean section
Impersonal treatment or problems with the staff attitudes
Not being listened to
Lack of information or explanation
Lack of privacy and dignity
Fear for baby's safety
Stillbirth
Birth of a damaged baby (a disability resulting from birth trauma)
Baby’s stay in SCBU/NICU
Poor postnatal care
Previous trauma (for example, in childhood, with a previous birth or domestic violence)

In addition, many women who do not have PTSD, suffer from some of the symptoms of PTSD after undergoing difficult birth experiences and this can cause them genuine and long-lasting distress. These women are also in need of support.

Finally, men who witness their partner’s traumatic childbirth experience may also feel traumatised as a result. Please see our ‘partners’ section

SweetSummerSweetPea · 24/07/2014 12:45

For me recognising that lots of people have real psychological trauma after easy births helped

This is why I am very vocal on here and in RL about my feelings after my birth.

I am fed up of lies about birth and the assumption as well, you have to have had physical trauma to feel like you had a bad time...

Nanny0gg · 24/07/2014 12:48

Honestly, the way the midwife spoke to me it was like EVERYONE OBVIOUSLY checks their own stitches after birth. I was made to feel a bit stupid for not doing it- I'm glad to know it's not standard procedure!

No it bloomin' isn't! I have never checked stitches for any procedure, however minor!

You certainly drew the short straw in the midwife stakes!

pointythings · 24/07/2014 12:54

You had an utterly shit midwife. I'd be writing a formal letter to Patient Advice and Liaison Service about her, detailing exactly what she said and how it made you feel. She's fallen well short of professional standards and needs her wrist slapping.

Keep talking about it with people who care, a fast birth like that can be really tough.

Sapat · 24/07/2014 13:02

I have given birth 3 times, none were text book (DC 1 was forceps, DC2 had shoulder dystocia and DC3 had a violent birth which resulted in him being floppy and grey and needing resuscitation). Each time I was in labour I honestly wondered why on earth I had put myself in that position again, because it was agony, and never again. I did not scream for the first two but the 3rd, blimey, I yelled til I was hoarse. It is normal to be horrified, but I think PP is right, you need to talk to someone about it, even get counselling. See how you feel by your 6 week check and discuss with GP.

redexpat · 24/07/2014 13:03

I read on another forum on here that you can request a copy of your notes, which might help you better understand what went on, and you can also request to talk them through with a MW. It might help to hear their version of events.

The way you describe your labour sounds quite frightening so I'm not surprised that you are still feeling this way. Thanks

redexpat · 24/07/2014 13:05

And yes I think you should complain in writing about the midwife. If you dont, she'll make someone else feel as awful. And as others have said, checking stitches is HER bloody job!!

plentyofshoes · 24/07/2014 13:24

I had a c section for my first. With my second I got to 5cm pretty fast before I went for my section.
I never knew pain like it, I did not cope well with it even with the drugs. My section went tits up and I was quite poorly after, but I would take that over the pain I felt will in labour.
Give yourself time but ask for more suppport if you need it.

MrsJossNaylor · 24/07/2014 14:23

YANBU. I did hypnobirthing, yoga, all that jazz, but nothing prepared me for the utter hell that was giving birth to DS.
I honestly thought I was going to die. It was 24 hours of sheer agony that no hippy breathing techniques could help with. Ended up coming out of the birthing pool and having him wrenched out with forceps.

I'm still utterly traumatised and he's almost two. Sadly, he will be an only child as a result.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 24/07/2014 14:57

All those thinking wil be only child please think of ELC....you have every right to think of it and ask and discuss it if you want another child.

Its a different set of risks and criteria but it was certainly a different set of risks that I could handle....known risks....than the sheer brutality and un knowingness of birth...

Dovetale · 24/07/2014 15:30

YANBU. Does your hospital offer a birth afterthoughts service, kind of like a debriefing where they go through your notes with you?

I had a "normal" birth but was so traumatised that I didn't want to hold my baby when she was born. I found the afterthoughts meeting very comforting. Having someone validate my feelings and apologise for the errors in my care helped me to come to terms with my experience.

monkeymamma · 24/07/2014 15:49

My labour dc1 was similar to yours op - three hours est labour, lots of stitches (2nd borderline 3rd degree tearing with a complicated spaghetti junction effect!), no time for breathing baby out etc. I felt terribly guilty for weeks after for losing control (which I now realise is fine!) and kept being told how lucky I was to have such a quick uncomplicated labour. I was lucky, and am lucky to have my beautiful boy, but fast labours can be quite traumatic and it took five days for my milk to come in (making bfeeding v painful!) which can be a reaction to trauma. It just takes a while for you to process, I think. Two and a bit years on and it doesn't upset me at all, in fact I'm doing it all again in a few months :-)
Fwiw your midwife sounds like a prize tit and horrible woman to boot. It's fine and normal to feel a whole range of different feelings in the days and weeks following labour. I never looked at my stitches btw and I'm totally fine as isy fanjo :-)
Please do get some bfeeding support, call la leche or breast feeding network and find out where your nearest group meets. I had a tough start to bfeeding but absolutely loved it once we both got to grips with it, and my local drop in group was fantastic (also met one of my best friends there!).
And congratulations on your baby girl!