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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Priest telling boys how to pee at school?

499 replies

Downamongtherednecks · 23/07/2014 21:10

Tween ds is at a private school, not UK. Most staff are female. There were incidents of the boys’ loos being left with pee around the lavatory bowl, so a male member of staff (priest) took the boys into the loos (in groups) to tell them that this was unacceptable and to suggest that they aim better and that they should perhaps practice more (!).

This was not discussed at all with parents.
AIBU to think this was not an acceptable thing for the school to do? It seems far too private and something surely better handled by parents. Priest has form for sexism so it is possible that may be one reason I instinctively don’t like it. DH (robustly boys’ private-school educated) says this was fine, it's a boy/male teacher thing, and he can’t see a problem with it. Happy to be told I am being biased against the sexist priest. No intention of taking it up with school btw, as dc are leaving anyway. AIBU?

OP posts:
ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 28/07/2014 18:18

A bedroom or a dorm, OP?

The teacher's point in this case being that no one knows which child or children made the mess so no one boy was being "called" on it.

But in a dorm where, say, semen-encrusted tissues were being piled up on the windowsill and not linked to any one bed, I think it would be fine for a teacher to point out the mess to a group of boys who sleep there.

Nomama · 28/07/2014 18:19

Not a fair comparison, the bed is a private space, in a room or a dorm.

The bed does not have to be used by anyone else and the cleaner can pass on the message to whoever is the named person for such talks. All residential schools have a someone - dorm mistress, matron, etc. It is a carefully managed 1-2-1 chat that takes into consideration all of the developmental angst a young boy will be experiencing.

The loo is used by more than one person. The one boy with the bad aim and no conscience cannot be identified and all boys suffer, having to stand in it.

Nomama · 28/07/2014 18:21

Ah! More hysteria.

Again we see that the error the priest in OP made was not having another adult with him. Posts such as ^^ are a perfect example of why safeguarding is essential for staff too.

Hakluyt · 28/07/2014 18:21

"So when your son is grown up and living with a long term partner and he misses the loo, who do you think should wipe i it up?"

Original poster
Downamongtherednecks · 28/07/2014 18:24

Icimol can you not remember the excruciating embarrassment of being that age? Where your dm putting tampons in the shopping made you walk away, where seeing someone kiss on the TV made you switch it over, and dm walking in on you in the bath was THE WORST THING EVER (yes, like we haven't see it all before and put a nappy on it too!) Maybe you weren't like that, but the vast, vast body of literature would suggest than many tweens/teens lack body confidence, are confused and hormonal, and are finding their way through a biological theme park of thrills and spills. Adding shame and public/private humiliation into this mix seems an odd way to go about teaching anyone, anything.

OP posts:
MrsCakesPremonition · 28/07/2014 18:24

OP - do you allow your DS to queue for the toilet (standing in the toilet, with a group of people) or is that also an invasion of his privacy as everyone else in the queue will know why he is there and what he is going to do?

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 28/07/2014 18:26

"Adding shame and public/private humiliation into this mix seems an odd way to go about teaching anyone, anything"

Do you feel that he was shamed? I can see how if a specific boy had been told to sort his toilet habits in front of other boys, then yes, but otherwise, I don't see this.

Or do you think there is one boy who does this and the others all know who it is, so that boy is "being shamed"?

Original poster
Downamongtherednecks · 28/07/2014 18:30

dingle I am SO sorry for reminding you of Fr Kit Cunningham. His multiple child rapes destroyed lives directly, and his betrayal of people like you and I who were in his circle will continue to have an impact. I obviously knew he was a bit too close to the parish manager but am so angry that I am sullied by having been "friends" with a monster.

OP posts:
Animation · 28/07/2014 18:32

Still agree with you OP.
Overstepping the mark to take kids in the toilet to show them the apparent mess they have made. If they need reminding talk to them in the class room respectfully. Why take them into the toilet. Feels disrespectful. We don't do that to adults or put cornflakes down the loo.

Think you have been given a hard tome OP because you say this guy is a priest - as if you're stereotyping priests or something.

Sirzy · 28/07/2014 18:34

The disrespectful thing is the children leaving wee on the floor.

Original poster
Downamongtherednecks · 28/07/2014 18:36

Before the amateur psychologists start, I should say that I have other priest friends (and one nun) so am perfectly able to see a cleric without crossing the road!

OP posts:
Animation · 28/07/2014 18:37

I don't agree that that you go and show kids them the mess they have made. Raise the issue with respect.

Original poster
Downamongtherednecks · 28/07/2014 18:39

animation thanks m'dear, come and join me on the bench, where I am filling in my MN bingo card (I've just been accused of having issues, so not many squares to go! Who knew having a cleaner is an admission of terrible, sexist parenting Wink ? In fact the only reason I put in the op that he was a priest was so I didn't get accused of drip feeding later.

OP posts:
dinglethedragon · 28/07/2014 18:40

you don't have to apologise to me rednecks - I was a teenager when I knew him and never much liked him due to the wandering hands issue. He was a good 20 yrs or so older than me - you know how teenagers think everyone over 21 is practically on their death bed so he was just an old perv as far as I was concerned. Rebuffing a very drunken grope at a party in the 70's was the final straw for me.

I did watch the shock waves reverberate among my catholic friends when he was finally exposed though, so I know how much of a very deep betrayal that was for many people. After 30 yrs out of the RCC it really has no emotional impact on me. It clearly has had an impact on you though - maybe find someone you can talk it through with? I'm not suggesting therapy (unless that appeals) but I do think you need to unpack some of the issues and NOT let his actions cloud your own life.

Icimoi · 28/07/2014 18:41

I have, one way and another, dealt with children in their early teens a lot, an in my experience boys at that age really aren't that mortified about the function of peeing. Indeed, it's not at all unknown for them to have contests to see how far up a wall they can make their pee go.

However, even if they are embarrassed, I still simply cannot see how it would bother them if they are in a group and none are being singled out; nor can I see why it is worse if said group is in the communal toilets rather than outside.

OP, did your child to sex ed at school? If so, how do you imagine he coped with that? Imagine having to see pictures of private parts, descriptions of sexual intercourse and contraception!

Animation · 28/07/2014 18:41

Downamong - I'm sure you do have priest friends. I think this thread may gone differently though if you'd not stated that the guy was a priest.

PhaedraIsMyName · 28/07/2014 18:42

The children have shown no respect to other users or the people who have to clear up behind them. There's no reason why they can't be shown the consequences of their lack of respect. Showing them is not disrespectful. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Icimoi · 28/07/2014 18:43

I don't agree that that you go and show kids them the mess they have made. Raise the issue with respect.

Oh, come off it. Why wouldn't you show them what they have done? Surely it's way more disrespectful to make the mess? They will learn much better by being made to focus on it rather than sitting in a classroom failing to listen to someone lecturing them about it.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 28/07/2014 18:44

When I was at secondary school one delightful student left a used sanitary towel in the hallway outside the theatre at the end of the day.

Next morning the headmistress actually produced it in a clear sandwich bag at assembly and gave the whole school a 10 minute lecture about how disappointed she was with whoever had so little respect for the cleaning staff to have done such a thing.

I can't see anything wrong with what your priest did to be honest!

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 28/07/2014 18:48

"Downamong - I'm sure you do have priest friends. I think this thread may gone differently though if you'd not stated that the guy was a priest."

I don't think so - if OP had said "male teacher" I think the response would have been the same.

Original poster
Downamongtherednecks · 28/07/2014 18:49

dingle How dreadful that he groped you as a teenager Shock but it shows that you had the sense to see through him even when you were that age. I didn't as a grown (allegedly intelligent) woman! Not sure I have a huge mistrust of all teachers/clerics, as clearly dc are now verging on secondary age and I haven't been particularly concerned by other actions up to know. But then again, I thought that safeguarding measures would have prevented this little loo-lecture from being deemed appropriate!

OP posts:
Animation · 28/07/2014 18:49

'Why wouldn't you show them what they have done?'

Because it's a shaming technique. What does a shaming technique achieve?

PhaedraIsMyName · 28/07/2014 18:53

It is not a shaming technique. It is showing them what the consequences of their selfish, dirty habits are far more effectively than lecturing in assembly. If they feel ashamed, as frankly they ought to, they have only themselves to blame.

TheFairyCaravan · 28/07/2014 18:54

Down if my DC had to be shown where to put their semen encrusted tissues by a teacher, or anyone for that matter, I would be incredibly embarrassed that I had not managed to bring them up better, tbh.

I would not have a problem with them being told off about it and if they came moaning to me, they'd get another telling off!