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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse to do laundry for DS (16)

120 replies

Claybury · 23/07/2014 15:14

Because he has no school until Sept and contributes nothing domestically. And because I think he needs to learn how to do it for himself. The closest he has got is bringing the whole basket downstairs, it is now sitting in the hall and we have reached stalemate !

OP posts:

AnnDaloozier · 27/07/2014 17:17

i wouldnt separate HIS things - not very familial, just ask him to do things that need doing for all of you

Mintyy · 27/07/2014 17:20

How about he just does some washing to help out with the general running of the household? Agreed, he will learn in time when he has to, but there's no reason whatsoever at the age of 16 why he shouldn't do some washing just as a plain contribution.

combust22 · 27/07/2014 17:24

mintyy- does it have to be washing though? I do agree that teenagers should contribute, but here are plenty other ways that they can help. I personally would prefer no help with laundry, and my teenagers give none.
But when I get back from the supermarket one will empty the car while the other makes me a cuppa.

I don't care if they never do laundry until they get their own place.

AnnDaloozier · 27/07/2014 17:24

Agree - list the daily jobs

divvy up
why is this so complicated?

Mintyy · 27/07/2014 17:26

But why not washing? Just because you "personally" don't want help with your laundry, why are you trying to persuade op that she doesn't want her son to do his? I just don't understand it.

Bogeyface · 27/07/2014 17:35

Kawliga yes I am sure they would manage to work it out but they dont need to if I tell them the basics of laundry and teach them how our particular machine works and let them learn by doing a load each a week.

I really dont see the issue! Please explain why me teaching them as opposed to them doing trial and error and possibly wrecking clothes in the process.

kawliga · 27/07/2014 17:38

Mintyy, for me it's the age, he is 16! I think it's wrong to suddenly turn around on a 16 year old like this, OP wrote 'now it is sitting in the hall and we have reached a stalemate'. It is unfair if you never taught him to do his laundry, then when he turns 16 suddenly decide 'wait, he is a grown up now, he should do his own laundry' and not in a nice way but in a confrontational way (stalemate). It is not his fault at this point that he is not doing his own laundry.

Approaching it nicely would be different: 'sorry that I never taught you to do your laundry, I should have taught you before, but I am going to teach you now' would be ok. And hear what he has to say. Maybe he does other things around the house and doesn't feel he should be doing laundry too?

Bogeyface · 27/07/2014 17:39

And thinking more "I could teach you but I wont, you will figure it out" is possibly the most passive aggressive parenting I have heard! Talk about setting them up to fail!

AnnDaloozier · 27/07/2014 17:39

the room for disaster with washing is a lot.

I tell mine to put sheets and towels on FOR THE FAMILY and he knows how to do a quick wash for the pair of jeans he can never do without.

kawliga · 27/07/2014 17:41

Bogey, it's great to teach your DC to do laundry! The more they learn from you the better! I just thought the OP's situation sounded like her and her 16 year old DS were not on the same page with this - sounds like it is an issue with them.

Dumping his clothes in the hallway does not sound like a happy mother-son lesson going on there. I'm taking his side (based on the info given).

Mintyy · 27/07/2014 17:41

Are you saying 16 is too young?

For heaven's sake.

kawliga · 27/07/2014 17:42

Oh my goodness minty, see my post earlier where I agree with a poster teaching her 6 year old (yes, that is six) to do laundry. My own 6 year old helps me with laundry.

noddyholder · 27/07/2014 17:42

I have found that they wash when required as above the piece of clothing they need or the sky will fall in Anything else just ask. I usually said with all household stuff It would really help me out if.... This worked most of the time. Or say get a b and c done then the day's yours

Mintyy · 27/07/2014 17:45

Oh my goodness I just cannot follow your logic at all, your posts are really doing my head in.

kawliga · 27/07/2014 17:49

Yes, this thread is starting to go round in a loop, sorry. Hazard of long threads. I was assuming you followed the whole thread but maybe you didn't. I could explain what I'm saying but that would be very boring for those who have followed the thread and OP disappeared a long time ago anyway.

perfectstorm · 27/07/2014 17:54

DH couldn't load a washing machine or boil an egg when we met. I had to teach him. It appalled me - by the time I was 13 I cooked dinner for the family, as I hated washing up and my mother hated cooking. Being able to care for your own needs is a life skill set and one we all need to learn.

Apart from anything else, do you want him to assume it's a woman's job to do all that stuff? Took me a long time to divest DH of that unconscious expectation. And laundry should be the tip of the iceberg - does he cook, load the dishwasher. Anything?

sugar21 · 27/07/2014 17:59

I used to do all the cooking and housework and laundry long before I was 16. My Mum didn't have the time (so she said) and she had books to mark after school and lessons to prepare for. I still managed to pass all my exams and go to Uni. I didn't have a Uni flat as it was only a few miles away and Mother wouldn't let me. So I still had to go home and do the chores. Got married at 21 straight out of Uni so I was well equipped to do everything.

missymayhemsmum · 27/07/2014 18:13

Ask him to write a list of life skills he thinks he needs before he leaves home, and agree which ones you (and maybe his df?) will enable him to learn this summer. Someone who can't cook, clean or do laundry isn't ready for driving lessons or independent festival going, imho.

justcallmethefixer · 27/07/2014 18:24

DS (14) does his own laundry as he is too lazy to put it in the basket and gets grumpy if I ask for it. Works for us as he is 'in control' of it and not complying to 'my rules'. Only down side is that I complain and make him change if he is going to be out in public with me in dirty clothes which he takes great offence too. My point is he would have easy access to clean clothes if they were put in the laundry basket so I will not be shown up in public for his laziness/lack of personal care

DownByTheRiverside · 27/07/2014 18:50

So perhaps now we know where so many of the partners that are complained about on MN originate from. The ones who sort of manage domestic stuff until another woman comes into their lives to take over again.
I knew they couldn't all be Martians, some had to be home-grown.

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