AIBU to refuse to do laundry for DS (16)

[Claybury]

Because he has no school until Sept and contributes nothing domestically. And because I think he needs to learn how to do it for himself. The closest he has got is bringing the whole basket downstairs, it is now sitting in the hall and we have reached stalemate !

That is quite funny about him popping it into the dryer 'by accident.'

Fair point about the holidays.

There must be something he wants you to do? There's your bargaining chip.

I think there's an argument for life skills, or chores for pocket money.

But some households here sound very draconian. Poor mites.

' Poor mites.'

My mite has been 6' huge and hairy since he was 16. I figured it was time he looked after himself and his poor little mum.
If he moves on to having a partner, he won't be a useless, idle lump that expects all to be done for him, or someone who is happy to become a denizen of a festering compost heap.

So, you had been expecting him to do it without actually having told him how?

What makes you think she hasn't shown him?

My ds is 20 and home from uni for summer and I do all his. I know he can do it and thats enough for me but I don't mind doing it with ours and he is pretty grateful and a,zed at how it all smells clean looks white and is actually dry when he puts it on which isn't always the case in his student house. I do all the cooking too mainly bit its enough for me to know he can I suppose I don't need to see it for myself 24/7

Is he doing anything at all to be useful noddy? Or is it enough for you to have him home and decoratively draped around the house?
DS doesn't cook, he's not very good at it and I love cooking. He'd happily live on pizza and spag bol and many many sandwiches.
It's more about not being taken for granted and people sharing a home doing their bit.

The madthings are all expected to pitch in, I wouldn't expect ds1 to do all his own laundry as we don't separate it into each persons but he will get a load out of laundry basket and put it in the machine, will hang it up to dry or put it in the dryer and fold and they are all expected to out their own washing away apart from the littlest who is three.

The elder two help cook, wash up, basically they all help out at an age appropriate level.

We don't have set chores but they are all expected to pitch in. My motto is we all make the Ness and we all help sort it out. It's a team effort but I want the madthings to grow up knowing how to run a household.

With four boys I will not raise them to be men that expect everything done for them.

Op you need him to just help out in general, what is he like with clearing table, washing up or running the Hoover round? Does he not do anything at all?!

And I don't do bargaining or payment for simply helping out with everyday stuff. Going above and beyond Yes or if they want to earn some money they can do extra but basic every day housework is something we all have to do.

Owl- it's pretty hard to teach someone something they have no desire to learn. He won't engage at all.
Downbythe- I agree. He won't help out communally, he's pretty independent ( doesn't need lifts etc) so I thought doing own clothes was a reasonable place to start.

Enough to have him home and decoratively draped around the house???? God he would laugh if he read that as I am.

We all do our bit and if I insisted he would but I don't see the point when I am doing it. If he needs particular stuff I wouldn't do it but just whats in the basket I chuck in.

Claybury, just stop doing his washing. Tell him you've stopped. Wait until he comes to you to ask how the machine works. This could take some weeks depending on how many pants he has and/or how fastidious he is. Do not cave in. If you need to remove dirty washing for hygiene purposes, put it in a bin bag in the back garden. When he asks you where x item is, point him to the bin bag.

Of course at 16 he should be pulling his weight around the house (and 5madthings' kids sound like they are going to be wonderful adults!). It's not domestic slavery, it's each helping to resolve the mess they contribute to and not being freeloaders.

I heartily applaud your efforts, OP. DS has shared houses for 3 years at university with other young people without even a basic ability to keep house or cook. It has been very tiresome for him at times.

There were 6 in ds student house and they were all lazy buggers even though they all could do it. I showed my ds the basics as he grew up as we went along but I never demanded set chores and he is fine more than capable and lasted all year cooking etc even though at home he did the minimum really. I don't think you have to be militant as long as they are fair. My son has a job and other work to do and so its no big deal.

Owl- it's pretty hard to teach someone something they have no desire to learn. He won't engage at all

Not really. I frogmarched DS1 to the washing machine and stood over him whilst he did it. Had he "not engaged", it would a long time before he saw his XBox again.

What makes you think she hasn't shown him?

TBH, the fact that he put it in the tumble drier was a bit of a give away.

I took that as him being a flouncy and grumpy oik, as did my son when I shared the thread with him. It's certainly the sort of thing my two would have done if they were being a PITA.

So, you haven't taught your son how to do laundry. I'm prepared to let that go if there are other things you have taught him. He is 16 years old. What have you taught him these past 16 years?

Because if you have taught him to do some other things to contribute to family life in any way that's fine. He doesn't have to do his own laundry if he is contributing in other ways to being part of your family. If you have taught him NOTHING, then that's a failure on your part. I think we have to teach our dc SOMETHING, doesn't have to be laundry or cooking but SOMETHING, ANYTHING! It's our duty as parents. FFS.

At 16 I my parents worked full time. I did all the housework, washing and most of cooking.

It wasn't all expected of me, I actually enjoy housework!

But I'd still have had chores otherwise, if he doesn't learn now he never will!

Doesn't have to be housework. Some dc are helpful in other ways, e.g. doing diy, gardening, babysitting younger ones, running errands for the parents, helping out with grandparents or vulnerable neighbours, etc. If so, be proud of them and don't nag them about doing their laundry.

If the dc reach teenage without being able to contribute in some way to their home/family that is a parenting failure.

I figured it was time he looked after himself

I figure it's my pleasure to look after mine till they're 18.

They do lovely thoughtful stuff for me all the time (3 hours of ironing in front of cricket this afternoon in return for lift to nets) but I honestly would not dream of forcing them to be domestically responsible while they live at home.

And especially not in the way it seems to be expected on MN. Why have them if you're going to moan like hell about the washing cooking and other drudgery they generate?

That's a serious question, though an aware I may have worded it snippily.

I have prepared mine very nicely for when they grow up and move out.

I wasn't forced to do chores as a teenager and I have yet to descend into desperate moral turpitude.

They do lovely thoughtful stuff for me all the time

Your dc sound lovely. I'm with you on the issue of chores.

Me too Everyone looks after themselves eventually My son can he does most of the time but I am quite happy with how things are

I do all the laundry for my family. It works better this way. It's much harder for my 16 year old and OH to do it because they are away at school and work all day.

But all my family contribute to the running of the home. My teenage kids are great cooks, but DS doesn't much like hoovering. He does take the bins out, cut the grass, weed, keep the garden tidy, decorate and do lots of DIY. He contributes and so do I by doing his laundry.

A long as everyone contributes.

My view is that my DC's have got years to do their own laundry, cleaning etc. DD has left home and appears to be managing fine and DS (21) lives at home, he can cook, clean his room and wash up after himself.

' I am quite happy with how things are'

That's exactly how it should be though, you have your own ways of working as a family and if most people are happy most of the time, and if everyone is open to a bit of discussion and negotiation when necessary that's great.